Way back around 2016 or so (maybe earlier), I bought the dvd of a Russian film called "Hard To Be A God", which was released in 2013. I don't recall how I heard of it. It might've been an Amazon recommendation, as I'd already purchased a movie called "Marketa Lazarova" which had a similar medieval setting. "God" was also said to be Tarkovskian in style. I know my friend Jon and I talked about it. He is a big fan of Russian art cinema and we both love Tarkovsky, so maybe it was he who recommended the film. In any event, I bought the dvd at least five years ago, and set out to watch it one night around that time. It's a three hour film, so I wanted to be in the mood, and I geared myself up. But in the course of that first viewing, after only five minutes in, I said to myself : "Y'know, maybe tonight's not the right night". The way the movie started was off-putting, and I thought "if this is how it's gonna be, I don't know if I can do three hours".
That was five years ago, at least, and the dvd has been sitting on my shelf ever since. I've seen all the five star reviews over at Amazon, and was aware that some critics hailed it a masterpiece. But I just remembered the way it started, in the muck and mud of a rain-soaked 13th century village. Furthermore, it's supposed to take place on another planet, one that is "just like Earth only smaller". The screenplay is adapted from a science fiction book, but the movie shows no indication of that genre.
Well, anyhow, a couple weeks ago, I saw the dvd staring me in the face for the umpteenth time, and I said to myself, "Y'know, I paid about twenty bucks for that flick. I should at least try to give it a go, if only to get my money's worth". And so I popped it in - five years after the first try - and once again pressed play.
If there's one thing I've learned in my 60 years on Earth, it that you've gotta trust your intuition, because it's your basic instinct, your sixth sense that protects you from things like grizzly bear attacks, crooked investment deals and ghosts in haunted houses (not to mention The Boogeyman under your bed when you were a kid). When you were a kid, you knew The Boogeyman was under your bed, or in your closet, even though you never saw him. How did you know that? It was your intuition. And as a four year old, you knew to trust it because your brain wasn't all clouded up with adult stuff like doubt and reason. So yeah, your intuition is your baseline compass in all things good and bad. How does this apply to tonight's screening of "Hard To Be A God"?
Easy. I should've trusted my own intuition back in 2016 when I tried but failed to watch the movie the first time. Instead - and simply because I just had to get my money's worth (not a good reason) - I sat through the entire three hours this evening. All I can say is that, if you wanna be mired down in the slop for 177 minutes, this is the movie for you. The setting could be compared to a giant outhouse in the Dark Ages. There is no plot or story, but a regional Lord does ride around visiting his people, slaves and villagers mostly, but he also encounters rival barons and other warrior chieftains and monks.
But the deal is, that every line of dialogue is either a non-sequitur or a close approximation. Imagine being in the midst of a filthy village where you can't tell the mud from the (guess what), with people everywhere, many of them half-wits wearing idiot grins, and then the director of the film decides to take random lines from any given person in the scene and just string 'em all together. Meanwhile, the camera is continually moving and you can't tell who is saying what, and even if you could, none of it makes any sense. Meanwhile, characters are blowing loogies, body fluids flow freely, butchery occurs at random, and you still can't understand a damn thing that's going on. If this is like Tarkovsky, then please don't tell him cause he'll turn over in his grave.
Now, it must be said that a tremendous amount of effort went into the making of this movie. Just to create the setting of a medieval horror show - and make it look real - is a huge credit to the production designers. I mean, this is One Ugly Movie, but it looks like it takes place in it's own world, be that on another planet or on Earth or whatever the Russian novelist intended. So in that respect - in the art direction, the sets, the costumes, and the mud! (the mud crew should've been nominated for an Oscar) - the picture deserves accolades.
But in all other respects? Shirley, you jest. And no, I won't stop calling you Shirley. Listen, because this is important. Aside from it's look, which is impressive, "Hard To Be A God" is one of the worst motion pictures ever made. Don't believe me? Then do what I did and sit through it, all three hours.
During that interminable time, I found myself playing guitar (I always hold my guitar while watching films, and if the movie is riveting, I don't play, and vice versa). I found myself staring at the screen, looking at more muck and mire, and more close ups of grinning characters covered in filth (and the constantly twisting camera), I found myself time-checking a lot. At first I tried to keep it to what I thought would be every fifteen minutes or so, because when a movie sucks, you can get though it quickly in six to eight 15 minute chunks. But before long I was looking at the counter on the dvd player every six minutes, then every four........
I mean, I went for an hour and a freaking half in this mode, and then I realized I was only halfway home.
As Jeremy Irons said in "Reversal of Fortune"........."You have no idea".
So yeah. That's all I have to say about "Hard To Be A God". Sometimes it's better to just eat the twenty bucks. Watch it if you want - and you will indeed be impressed by it's look and it's world - but if you do decide to watch, prepare to be drowned in a world of s**t, which is what the movie is basically about, both literally and figuratively.
Or do yourself a favor and watch "Blaise Pascal" instead. ////
See you in the morning. Tons of love. Trump is toast, hooray!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
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