I'm writing from home tonight, off work until next Friday morning. I'm feeling much better today - more on that in a moment - but I will mention very quickly that last night's blog on Elon Musk seems to be quite popular, by my pageview standards, anyway. 19 hits! That's a landslide for me. Now, because I am feeling like my normal self once again, I feel I should say that I didn't mean to pick on old Elon. I'm sure he is a nice guy and all of that, and no doubt he is brilliant as well.
That's the Regular Everyday Me talking, and I mean what I say. Regular Me strives to see the best in people, and also tries hard not to bring up unpleasant opinions, or unpopular opinions. I have disciplined myself over the years to try and Showcase What Is Good in the world, and I think that is a result of getting older, and living through the things I've lived through, and not wanting to feel angry or depressed about those things because anger and depression are horrible, poisonous feelings. I have worked hard in my life to overcome bad feelings, negative energy, inner demons, whatever you want to call the source of said feelings. I think my Mom really helped to turn me around more than anything - she was just a wonderful person - and to give myself a little bit of credit, I think I helped myself to turn around, too. God helped me to turn around, because it was He who created me the way I really am, with a happy and optimistic nature.
The Me When I Get Depressed, is actually a kind of Regressed Me, a return to the way I felt as an adolescent. I came from a troubled home, as I've mentioned. Many of us have, if not most of us. There are very few Brady Bunch Families, where the biggest problem is when one of the kids doesn't get chosen for the school play, or something along those lines. In real life, many families have domestic problems, and many families keep those problems to themselves. Or they try to, anyway.
I tried to, as a teen, and it resulted in mood swings. I won't go into detail, but one of the hardest years of my life was when I was 17. My brother and I were dealing with a very difficult situation at home, and because I was just a kid, all I could do was to "stuff it". Alternately, because I was approaching adulthood, I also felt confident enough to sometimes confront my parents about their drinking and fighting. But then, when I did that, I just felt even worse afterwards, because I had "joined in the anger" so to speak. Getting angry at my folks achieved nothing and only made me feel worse. But I had developed the "hero" or "saviour" complex that some older children acquire in dysfunctional families. At 17, I wanted to assert myself to try and "take control" of an out-of-control situation. And I couldn't take control, because I was just a high school kid.
I will cut to the chase here and say that God helped. God allowed time to pass, while keeping our family more or less together. There were no irrevocable splits, and though my parents did ultimately separate, we sometimes still all went to the movies together. That was because of me, when I was in my 30s. I wanted everybody to be friends, and family, and it pretty much worked out that way.
That part was kind of awesome. I never gave up on my parents, and they never gave up on me. Mom got me into God, helped me to turn my life around after I got my ass kicked in 1989. Dad was Dad, sometimes ornery, sometimes less so, but he was also the most intelligent man I ever knew, and one of the funniest. Dad did a lot in his life, and he could still drink a six-pack when he was 86 years old. He was physically tougher than me, in that way for sure. And he was a good man.
But I think I am psychically tougher then either of my parents. In fact, I know I am. And it is because of them that I am so tough in that way. I can withstand a ton of stuff, and keep going (which is why I say to my fellow 1989 people that "you have no idea what I've been through").
But sometimes, I have succumbed to depression. As noted yesterday, that is most decidedly Not The Real Me. What it is, is a regression to the less-disciplined, less evolved moods of my younger years, when I would lash out about stuff,
Also as noted, there are only two things that cause occasional depression in me nowdays. One is, as reported, that I am nearing 60 and am still single. And the other is this 1989 Thing, which I have actually begun to try to do something about by writing FOIA letters to the CIA. I am gonna continue on that course, because I can no longer "stuff down" my experience, which forever changed my life.
The "60 and single" thing has been hard, too. Being shy sucks. But you know what? There is something good about it too. God made me this way, and because I am this way I don't wanna meet a lot of women and go on a bunch of dates and play that game. All I have ever wanted was to be with one woman.
Just one.
I have always wanted to have someone in my life to really connect with, in all ways, heart and mind and soul.
I am really just a Soul who is walking around here on Earth in a body, and I am looking for just such another Soul. Someone who has one foot here on Earth, and one foot in the Spirit World, and who feels at home in both places. Some one who just knows.....
I started writing this blog here on Blogger in 2013 because of you, Elizabeth.
I know that things have tailed off, communication-wise. Since you moved to Chicago, I haven't addressed the blogs to you as I used to, but that was only because the means of communication had seemed to tail off. You are just starting out on your own, and you have a lot of things to focus on, and it isn't easy. And on the other hand, it's also a very exciting time of life. In many respects, in your 20s there is never a dull moment. So I changed the blog just a bit, and started writing about anything I could think of, which has been mostly movie reviews.
Today I saw your post, though, and it made me feel a whole lot better. The post was via one of your band guys, and it said "I have found my better half".
I don't know if that was meant for me, but because the post was from Los Angeles, and because we have an intuitive form of communication and my intuition is razor sharp, I am pretty sure it was meant for me.
And I thank you, because you made my day. :)
I love you, you know.
Maybe one day we will have regular communication, but the most important part is what I just said above.
I Love You, Elizabeth. If you feel the same way about me, then that makes me so very happy. :)
Thank you. :):)
Tomorrow morning we have a Christmas program in church, and then we have another service in the evening at 7pm, so a lot of singing will be happening.
And I feel very happy to sing. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
See you in the morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment