Not just mega-tired tonight (which would be per usual for a Sunday night) but beyond that. Only got about three hours sleep before getting up early for church. Still all Kobestered Out. But, the singing was good and we nailed all our hymns and our anthem, despite missing our lead soprano. A one-hour practice session followed, which I always enjoy. :)
I'm entering a new paradigm - The Kobi-less Household - and it's weird for me because of the silence. I mean, in the last couple of years he didn't make much noise, but I did. As I've probably reported, I developed a habit of trying to liven up the house and provide a little stimulation for Pearl, by keeping a kind of "running commentary" with The 'Ster.
With him, as if he could carry on a conversation; to him, as if he was the boss and head of household; and maybe most prominently, about him. I would change song lyrics to be about Kobi, I would make up spontaneous "facts" about him, such as - upon waking up - "gotta make The Dog some coffee"! Because he was The Shot Caller, you know. I'd tell Pearl about Kobi's activities when we weren't home: "He teaches Good Boy classes to other dogs while you're at Golden Agers. He makes good money on the side". Kobi also had an agent who negotiated his fee for the Bischon calendars on Pearl's wall. At feeding time he was always about to yet again "break the record for eating Dog Food".
And, I'd tell Pearl that : "He keeps recommending that we try a bowl of dog food. He says it's delicious and that we'll really like it. I mean.....I don't know what to do. I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but.."
And I broke the news one time that he had just opened the world's first Dog Food Restaurant, where every item on the menu, including dessert, was made from Dog Food.
"He's certain it will be a success"! ("How could anyone not love Dog Food"?, he asked me).
So that was just a taste of the verbal interplay I had - imaginary or not (and I think "not"!) - with myself and Kobi, on behalf of Pearl and in the best interests of providing some liveliness in the household. It's not easy being a caregiver, but Kobi - just by being who he was - jump-started a stream-of-consciousness dialogue in me, whereby he became my foil, my Walter Mitty, where I could place him in any situation to tell an impromptu story.
It is pretty incredible looking back on all that non-stop dialogue. It wasn't all "up front" and loud or in anyone's face. A lot of the time I'd just be muttering away - "Koberdober this, Koberdober that"....
Or he was "The Pinsch" or "The Doberman" or "El Supremo", or about fifty other names.
The commentary, and the variety of the commentary, never ceased. Because otherwise, even with the TV on, it was too quiet in here. And at 93, Pearl needs some stimulus. This is the experience of the caregiver. And I was fortunate enough to have a Right Hand Man in the house this whole time, until two days ago.
The new paradigm, what I am hoping to get used to, is to have him still be here, but as a Spirit Kobi instead of Physical Kobester. This transition has been a big part of the heavy duty process I have been experiencing for the past 60 or so hours.
It felt like he went to church with us this morning. For real.
Yeah.....I know nobody believes that stuff.
Metaphysical mumbo jumbo, right?
Nope. Not in this case. This is the new paradigm. Belief does not affect it. It simply "Is".
I can't have The Dog just bailing on me. I need him to stay here and remain a part of The Team.
So I am trying to get used to the new logistics, of not being able to see him, etc.
Having to "sense" him intead.
It's not easy, but it's easier for me than you might imagine.
I've been through things like The Meadows in the earthquake years, and I've been through '89, and I have a ton of psychic experience. I've got one foot in this world, and one on the Other Side.
The Dog is even more psychic than me. This stuff is a piece of cake for him, though I do think he is blowing his Dog Mind that he can still see, and run around in, this world that he supposedly left.
It's all a bit Far Out, for certain. But again, I implore you to look up in The Sky, and ask yourself, "what isn't Far Out"?
The answer is that Everything Is Far Out.
All you need to do to understand this is to Stop Watching The News, Stop Being A Participant In The Everyday Cycle, Refuse To Let Cultural Pressure Make You Feel As If You Need To Keep Up On Trivial Things (and especially Stupid Human Stuff like politics), and instead - turn around and take an Amazing Look at the Universe that you are living in. And don't just look at it; absorb it.
Take a minute, and Absorb The Universe You Are Living In. Exclude all the Human BS, but include the Human Good Stuff........and The Animal Stuff...
And then ask yourself if Everything Isn't As Far Out As I've Said It is. ////
End Of Story, for tonight. :):)
Monday, July 17, 2017
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Grief, Love + Spirit
Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby (if you are reading),
Well, it's as you can probably imagine. I am all over the map today, in terms of alternating waves of grief and gratitude, and love. Kobi has blown my mind with his incredible spirit. The thing is, with my job as a caregiver, it was never just me and Pearl. Ever since the day I began in April 2010, it's always been the three of us. That's why I referred to them as The Crew, as in "I took The Crew to Lake Balboa" or wherever. We have always been a three way team, and Kobi's part on the team was as important as anyone's. He radiated goodness, reassurance, calm and protection, even as a Small Guy, and I always knew that because of his radiance - which you could feel, just by looking at him, especially when he was curled up in his bed by the TV - that he would protect the house, and Pearl, just by radiating his strength and calm. This is no exaggeration or wishful thinking, but very real. A person just has to tune into it and understand just how gifted their pet is.
I understood this - it was plain to see - and so I always knew Pearl was protected by Kobi's force of goodness when I wasn't here in the afternoons. When I wasn't here, he was.
It's pretty astounding to me what I am going through, just because of the size of the emotions, which are bigger than gigantic. It's mostly in the amazement of what a love bond consists of. You don't know the full extent of it until the Person (and a dog is such) passes away and becomes Pure Spirit. Then the grief hits, and it's like an explosion. Then you know the full extent of the love, reaching from this physical world into the other side, and also back the other way. The grief is both sides reaching out to each other : "Don't let go"!
So what I have tried to do is get past the "sadness" part of the grief and understand the workings of it, as it relates to the process of two beings remaining together despite the fact that they are now in two different worlds, two different physical (or non-physical) states.
It's been a roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, full of much analysing, but then I read something a little while ago that left me feeling quite upbeat, believe it or not, because the author basically summarised everything I have been feeling and thinking since yesterday afternoon.
The article was a blog, by a lady who calls herself a Shamanistic Healer. Let me see if I can post the url of her article : https://www.sarahpetrunoshamanism.com/blog/9-things-your-deceased-pet-wants-you-to-know/
Yep. That's it. I don't know if it will post as a clickable link, but if it doesn't, you can copy and paste it if you want. When I was reading it a couple hours ago, I thought, "Holy Smokes, you are saying everything I've been feeling and experiencing for the past day and a half". Just reading her story and that of her and her husband's dog has been very helpful to me. I already knew what she says to be true, because I've been feeling Kobi's presence, but to actually read it, written out in an articulate way, expressing the exact details of what I have been experiencing, is very healing for me.
So read it if you like, and if you have the time.
Tomorrow is church, so I'd better get to sleep pretty soon, but life is pretty awesome, eh SB?
Sometimes you go through the wringer a bit, but if you just pay attention to the Awesome, you will stay on the right track. That is the track of Eternal Life, and the pathway is Love. It's no joke, no cliche, but something very real. In fact, it's the most real thing there is.
That's all I know for tonight.
I saw the Drewsif post about people getting married, and you know my feelings on the subject. :):)
Well, it's as you can probably imagine. I am all over the map today, in terms of alternating waves of grief and gratitude, and love. Kobi has blown my mind with his incredible spirit. The thing is, with my job as a caregiver, it was never just me and Pearl. Ever since the day I began in April 2010, it's always been the three of us. That's why I referred to them as The Crew, as in "I took The Crew to Lake Balboa" or wherever. We have always been a three way team, and Kobi's part on the team was as important as anyone's. He radiated goodness, reassurance, calm and protection, even as a Small Guy, and I always knew that because of his radiance - which you could feel, just by looking at him, especially when he was curled up in his bed by the TV - that he would protect the house, and Pearl, just by radiating his strength and calm. This is no exaggeration or wishful thinking, but very real. A person just has to tune into it and understand just how gifted their pet is.
I understood this - it was plain to see - and so I always knew Pearl was protected by Kobi's force of goodness when I wasn't here in the afternoons. When I wasn't here, he was.
It's pretty astounding to me what I am going through, just because of the size of the emotions, which are bigger than gigantic. It's mostly in the amazement of what a love bond consists of. You don't know the full extent of it until the Person (and a dog is such) passes away and becomes Pure Spirit. Then the grief hits, and it's like an explosion. Then you know the full extent of the love, reaching from this physical world into the other side, and also back the other way. The grief is both sides reaching out to each other : "Don't let go"!
So what I have tried to do is get past the "sadness" part of the grief and understand the workings of it, as it relates to the process of two beings remaining together despite the fact that they are now in two different worlds, two different physical (or non-physical) states.
It's been a roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, full of much analysing, but then I read something a little while ago that left me feeling quite upbeat, believe it or not, because the author basically summarised everything I have been feeling and thinking since yesterday afternoon.
The article was a blog, by a lady who calls herself a Shamanistic Healer. Let me see if I can post the url of her article : https://www.sarahpetrunoshamanism.com/blog/9-things-your-deceased-pet-wants-you-to-know/
Yep. That's it. I don't know if it will post as a clickable link, but if it doesn't, you can copy and paste it if you want. When I was reading it a couple hours ago, I thought, "Holy Smokes, you are saying everything I've been feeling and experiencing for the past day and a half". Just reading her story and that of her and her husband's dog has been very helpful to me. I already knew what she says to be true, because I've been feeling Kobi's presence, but to actually read it, written out in an articulate way, expressing the exact details of what I have been experiencing, is very healing for me.
So read it if you like, and if you have the time.
Tomorrow is church, so I'd better get to sleep pretty soon, but life is pretty awesome, eh SB?
Sometimes you go through the wringer a bit, but if you just pay attention to the Awesome, you will stay on the right track. That is the track of Eternal Life, and the pathway is Love. It's no joke, no cliche, but something very real. In fact, it's the most real thing there is.
That's all I know for tonight.
I saw the Drewsif post about people getting married, and you know my feelings on the subject. :):)
Saturday, July 15, 2017
A Man/Dog Love Affair (I Love You, Kobi)
Well, my girl, I am very sorry to report that Kobi passed away this afternoon, which you may know already if you saw my post on Facebook. I was hoping for the best, but even last night I was preparing myself because he wasn't looking good and he hadn't eaten. This morning he was very lethargic and still not eating or even drinking water, so I took him to the vet and the decision was made, not by me but by Pearl's daughter whom I had called to report on my buddy's condition. I concurred with her decision, and the veterinarian agreed that it was the best choice, because even with hospitalisation he was not going to recover, and it would only prolong the inevitable.
When we first drove to the pet hospital, the parking lot was full, and there is no street parking in the area (an L.A. trademark). So I drove around the block a couple times; still no empty spaces in the lot. Then I got an idea.
I thought, "I have gotta take him up to Northridge Park one more time". Even though we hadn't seen the vet yet, I was halfway sure it was gonna be the last time, and I just wanted him to be in the presence of that place, because there is Magic at that park. I used to take my doggies Alice and Trixie there in the 1990s, and it was also the first place I took Kobi when he was recovering from his seizure in February 2016. Back then, it wasn't certain he would recover either. He was 16, and the seizure had wiped him out. But I just knew Northridge Park would be a good place for him to try and walk a bit, and hopefully regain some strength.
And he did walk there, and he did regain quite a bit of strength, and he did recover from his seizure. And then he went on to live another year and a half.
That's partly because the guy was hard core, and it's also partly because the place has magic.
I believe in magic, as you know. I believe in all kinds of magic, and especially the indescribable magic of certain places, certain landscapes, certain grounds. I believe in the magic of Special Places because I can feel it when I go there.
And I know that Kobi could, too.
That dog was a Giant, in Spirit and in the way of some inborn knowledge that perhaps all dogs have, but which he was the Einstein of : If I think I know Magic........Well I was not in the same league as him.
Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit. But all you had to do was just Look At The Guy, just observe him, and you knew that he understood The Magic in an all encompassing way. Even just a couple days ago, I had put him out back to go pee, and then as I was back in the kitchen doing dishes I watched him out the window, as he sat and let the breeze blow around his fur, and he listened to the birds call to one another.
The look in his eyes spoke of a complete understanding of life, and of The Magic.
A person might say, "but he was only a dog".
And I would reply, "do we even know what a dog is? Or any animal, especially those who have bonded to humans as pets".
Do we have any idea what a dog or cat understands?
Look in their eyes sometime, when they aren't aware you are doing so.
I could write volumes about my experiences with Kobi, and the subtle emotions and flickering bits of understanding that passed by when he was in my presence, which was often since 2010.
I tend to understand things from the Spirit Level, and I knew him to be Gigantic in that regard.
When he was with you, you felt that you could go anywhere, do anything. He was with me on some of my earliest trail hikes, and later, in 2015 (I think it was then), he accompanied me on trips up to the top of Oat Mountain, and through San Francisquito Canyon. Both of those drives involved either roads that were of questionable "trespassing" legality, or unknown and slightly scary countryside. I didn't have quite the courage to drive up to either location by myself, at least not on the first try, so I took The Kobedog with me.
Then I felt invincible, and I am being very serious. There was just something about his presence, and the way he curled up in the passenger seat. You could feel his vibe, and it took all fear away.
So when that happens, and when you spend more and more time with such a guy, you finally have to ask yourself, "Just what is a dog, anyway"?
What kind of creatures are these?
Among other things, they are creatures of Profound Understanding.
So are cats, if you are a cat person. I am both, though I tend to "buddy up" with dogs just a bit more.
I went through a gamut of feelings and realisations this evening, on my walk and just in general, as I was in my apartment, watching "One Step Beyond" and whatever......just sitting there.
I was kind of going through the wringer, as grief will do to you, but I was also blowing my mind.
It is not an exaggeration to say that. I know it sounds like hyperbole, but it isn't; I really do "blow my mind" (i.e. "absorb in the deepest way") the various emotions and revelations of this life. It is a gift from The Lord, I believe. And tonight I simply let these things just wash over me and go through me and into me; these bits of incredible knowledge and realisation.
All of which sprang forth from the incredible love of a dog, and the love I felt back from that dog.
"Profound" is the only word that even comes close.
It was a Man/Dog Love Affair if there ever was one, and it remains so.
I can feel him here beside me as I write. /////
When we first drove to the pet hospital, the parking lot was full, and there is no street parking in the area (an L.A. trademark). So I drove around the block a couple times; still no empty spaces in the lot. Then I got an idea.
I thought, "I have gotta take him up to Northridge Park one more time". Even though we hadn't seen the vet yet, I was halfway sure it was gonna be the last time, and I just wanted him to be in the presence of that place, because there is Magic at that park. I used to take my doggies Alice and Trixie there in the 1990s, and it was also the first place I took Kobi when he was recovering from his seizure in February 2016. Back then, it wasn't certain he would recover either. He was 16, and the seizure had wiped him out. But I just knew Northridge Park would be a good place for him to try and walk a bit, and hopefully regain some strength.
And he did walk there, and he did regain quite a bit of strength, and he did recover from his seizure. And then he went on to live another year and a half.
That's partly because the guy was hard core, and it's also partly because the place has magic.
I believe in magic, as you know. I believe in all kinds of magic, and especially the indescribable magic of certain places, certain landscapes, certain grounds. I believe in the magic of Special Places because I can feel it when I go there.
And I know that Kobi could, too.
That dog was a Giant, in Spirit and in the way of some inborn knowledge that perhaps all dogs have, but which he was the Einstein of : If I think I know Magic........Well I was not in the same league as him.
Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit. But all you had to do was just Look At The Guy, just observe him, and you knew that he understood The Magic in an all encompassing way. Even just a couple days ago, I had put him out back to go pee, and then as I was back in the kitchen doing dishes I watched him out the window, as he sat and let the breeze blow around his fur, and he listened to the birds call to one another.
The look in his eyes spoke of a complete understanding of life, and of The Magic.
A person might say, "but he was only a dog".
And I would reply, "do we even know what a dog is? Or any animal, especially those who have bonded to humans as pets".
Do we have any idea what a dog or cat understands?
Look in their eyes sometime, when they aren't aware you are doing so.
I could write volumes about my experiences with Kobi, and the subtle emotions and flickering bits of understanding that passed by when he was in my presence, which was often since 2010.
I tend to understand things from the Spirit Level, and I knew him to be Gigantic in that regard.
When he was with you, you felt that you could go anywhere, do anything. He was with me on some of my earliest trail hikes, and later, in 2015 (I think it was then), he accompanied me on trips up to the top of Oat Mountain, and through San Francisquito Canyon. Both of those drives involved either roads that were of questionable "trespassing" legality, or unknown and slightly scary countryside. I didn't have quite the courage to drive up to either location by myself, at least not on the first try, so I took The Kobedog with me.
Then I felt invincible, and I am being very serious. There was just something about his presence, and the way he curled up in the passenger seat. You could feel his vibe, and it took all fear away.
So when that happens, and when you spend more and more time with such a guy, you finally have to ask yourself, "Just what is a dog, anyway"?
What kind of creatures are these?
Among other things, they are creatures of Profound Understanding.
So are cats, if you are a cat person. I am both, though I tend to "buddy up" with dogs just a bit more.
I went through a gamut of feelings and realisations this evening, on my walk and just in general, as I was in my apartment, watching "One Step Beyond" and whatever......just sitting there.
I was kind of going through the wringer, as grief will do to you, but I was also blowing my mind.
It is not an exaggeration to say that. I know it sounds like hyperbole, but it isn't; I really do "blow my mind" (i.e. "absorb in the deepest way") the various emotions and revelations of this life. It is a gift from The Lord, I believe. And tonight I simply let these things just wash over me and go through me and into me; these bits of incredible knowledge and realisation.
All of which sprang forth from the incredible love of a dog, and the love I felt back from that dog.
"Profound" is the only word that even comes close.
It was a Man/Dog Love Affair if there ever was one, and it remains so.
I can feel him here beside me as I write. /////
Friday, July 14, 2017
Incredible Photograph + Mound Country In The Midwest + "Jason And The Argonauts" + Kobi
Well, SB, that was a stunning photograph you posted this morning! One of your friends mentioned the colors, and that was the first thing I noticed as well. For me, it was the color scheme, the blues, whites and greys, and the way they both contrast and blend into one another. Man, that's one of your best shots ever (which is really saying something!), and not only are the overalls tones beautiful but your composition is Top Notch. I mean - I'm not just saying that. Go back and look at the picture and see for yourself.
You are now The Queen Of The Self-Portrait, taking it to new heights and in new directions. :)
I am fascinated by my new Peter Levenda book, and in Chapter Two, just begun, he is talking about the Burial Mounds in Ohio and parts of Tennessee. It may be that they pre-date the American Indians, and so there may have been a civilisation in America even before the Indians, which is mindboggling.
Supposedly, there have been skeletons unearthed in some of these mounds that are 8 feet long. Hey SB, have you ever been to Lake Delavan? It looks to be about 80 miles from you on the Google map, and in 1927, some archaeologists dug up 18 really weird (and tall) skeletons in a Mound near the lake. I found that out because after reading the chapter I became fascinated with these mounds (some of which are huge), and I wondered if you had any in Wisconsin. And you do....but have you ever seen them?
I would love to go on a tour of Mound Country (as it is called) in the Midwest.
It's the same deal with those Amazing Cliff Dwellings in (I think) New Mexico. They say that the Anasazi Indians built them........but just take a look at those things.
Nothing against the Anasazi, I have no doubt they were very capable.
But just take a look at those cliff dwellings.
You know they didn't build 'em. Somebody else did. Just like the Egyptians didn't build the Pyramids.
Well anyhow......ahem (clears throat)........if you ever wanna do a Mound Tour, let me know. :)
Tonight's movie was "Jason And The Argonauts" (1963), the original version with the great Ray Harryhausen special effects. If you remember I recently watched "The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad", which was also a Harryhausen spectacular, made later in 1977. These movies were part of a fantasy/adventure series based on Greek mythology. I think there are five or six movies in all, and while they aren't great art perhaps, they are a lot of fun in the Popcorn Movie sense, and they hold up really well even 50 years later. Every kid remembers seeing these either in the theater, or on TV (that's me) back in the 60s and 70s, and the stories were captivating and the special effects pretty thrilling for the time. The big scene in "Jason" is the final battle between The Argonauts and an Army Of Sword Wielding Skeletons, moving deftly in stop-motion animation. That was a big deal in those days.
A fun movie, nothing more, but also a classic in it's own way. ///
Finally, tonight I'd like to ask you to say a small prayer for Kobi, aka The Kobester, The Doberman Pinscher, et al. He is now 17 and a half, and for the last couple of days he has not been eating much.
Today, when he woke up he was trembling. I am hoping it is because of constipation, which he has suffered from in recent months. I gave him a warm bath and a doggie massage this afternoon to try and ease his discomfort. After that was when he fell asleep, and he remains so now.
At his amazing age, I know he won't be around forever.
But I am just hoping that he will recover from whatever is ailing him, just for now and maybe a while longer, maybe even a good while.
If he is still hurting tomorrow, I will take him to the vet.
So please, if you are so inclined, just say a small prayer for him.
I love him so much, so thanks. :)
You are now The Queen Of The Self-Portrait, taking it to new heights and in new directions. :)
I am fascinated by my new Peter Levenda book, and in Chapter Two, just begun, he is talking about the Burial Mounds in Ohio and parts of Tennessee. It may be that they pre-date the American Indians, and so there may have been a civilisation in America even before the Indians, which is mindboggling.
Supposedly, there have been skeletons unearthed in some of these mounds that are 8 feet long. Hey SB, have you ever been to Lake Delavan? It looks to be about 80 miles from you on the Google map, and in 1927, some archaeologists dug up 18 really weird (and tall) skeletons in a Mound near the lake. I found that out because after reading the chapter I became fascinated with these mounds (some of which are huge), and I wondered if you had any in Wisconsin. And you do....but have you ever seen them?
I would love to go on a tour of Mound Country (as it is called) in the Midwest.
It's the same deal with those Amazing Cliff Dwellings in (I think) New Mexico. They say that the Anasazi Indians built them........but just take a look at those things.
Nothing against the Anasazi, I have no doubt they were very capable.
But just take a look at those cliff dwellings.
You know they didn't build 'em. Somebody else did. Just like the Egyptians didn't build the Pyramids.
Well anyhow......ahem (clears throat)........if you ever wanna do a Mound Tour, let me know. :)
Tonight's movie was "Jason And The Argonauts" (1963), the original version with the great Ray Harryhausen special effects. If you remember I recently watched "The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad", which was also a Harryhausen spectacular, made later in 1977. These movies were part of a fantasy/adventure series based on Greek mythology. I think there are five or six movies in all, and while they aren't great art perhaps, they are a lot of fun in the Popcorn Movie sense, and they hold up really well even 50 years later. Every kid remembers seeing these either in the theater, or on TV (that's me) back in the 60s and 70s, and the stories were captivating and the special effects pretty thrilling for the time. The big scene in "Jason" is the final battle between The Argonauts and an Army Of Sword Wielding Skeletons, moving deftly in stop-motion animation. That was a big deal in those days.
A fun movie, nothing more, but also a classic in it's own way. ///
Finally, tonight I'd like to ask you to say a small prayer for Kobi, aka The Kobester, The Doberman Pinscher, et al. He is now 17 and a half, and for the last couple of days he has not been eating much.
Today, when he woke up he was trembling. I am hoping it is because of constipation, which he has suffered from in recent months. I gave him a warm bath and a doggie massage this afternoon to try and ease his discomfort. After that was when he fell asleep, and he remains so now.
At his amazing age, I know he won't be around forever.
But I am just hoping that he will recover from whatever is ailing him, just for now and maybe a while longer, maybe even a good while.
If he is still hurting tomorrow, I will take him to the vet.
So please, if you are so inclined, just say a small prayer for him.
I love him so much, so thanks. :)
Thursday, July 13, 2017
The Cascades + Practicing In Car + Great Pic
Hey Elizabeth, that was another excellent portrait that you posted this morning. It is as professional a headshot as you would find anywhere, but more artistic than most! Really good, and that kid has The Look as you pointed out. :) I hope your project with him is coming along to your expectations, and to your friend Aaron's. I'm glad to see you back on FB. I don't know if you are back as The SB or not, and of course only you know for sure, but if you are, I'm right here. :) I saw one other post today, about Steve and Sarah playing in Scotland (which is really cool!). I hope you are having a good Summer yourself. :)
This afternoon I drove up to something called The Cascades. That's just a nickname for the entry point of the L.A. Aqueduct as it comes down the mountainside into the Valley. It is most famous as the location - the "sluice gate" if you will - that the engineer William Mulholland used in 1911 to stage the dramatic "turning on" of the Immense Water Spigot that made the possibility of the Los Angeles Metropolis into a reality. I have reported before that without that aqueduct bringing non-stop water 400 miles southward from the Owens Valley, L.A. as a big city doesn't exist. We get most of our water from up in Northern California, and it enters what you can call "Los Angeles Proper" right there at the top of Balboa Boulevard, just north of O'Melveny Park, where the water comes down the mountain at The Cascades.
I have seen The Cascades from Balboa ever since I was a kid (we all have), but I recently read a PBS post on Facebook describing how you could see it up close, so that's what I was attempting to do today. I drove all the way up Balboa (about a mile past O'Melveny), and I parked just past a driveway with a latched gate at the end, the main gate to The Cascades operational site. I wanted to take a pic or two, and I probably could have, but I chickened out because of the "No Trespassing" signs all over the place. They meant "no trespassing" past the gate, but I don't mess around with such warnings anymore, so I didn't even approach the gate.
What I did do instead was go back to my car and look for the legitimate trail further up the street that is supposed to take you even closer to The Cascades. I drove up a side street (Nicklaus St.) looking for the trail mentioned in the PBS post. I couldn't find it this time, but I did get a close up look at The Cascades coming down the mountain. On Nicklaus Street there is a little turn-out that overlooks the mountainside, and it is an awesome view of the Los Angeles water supply bubbling it's way into the city. It's very, very close, but the problem once again was "no trespassing", this time in the form of red-zone no parking paint jobs at every curbside, and the fact that the homes on Nicklaus are part of a so-called "private community". That is unofficial-speak for "don't trespass because upper-middle class people live here and also because we know you are only here because you want to see The Cascades". It's probably not strictly illegal, but I am too old to mess with that kind of stuff. What PBS fails to mention is that with a press credential you can go anywhere. They suggest that the reader try it him-or-herself, but don't mention that an ordinary person might get the cops called on them. But, they did mention another trail, so next time I go up, I will try to find it. It will be worth it to get an up close photo of The Cascades.
On my way back, I went for a short hike at O'Melveny, too. :)
No movie tonight, but I did watch an episode each of two great shows, "Rawhide" and "One Step Beyond", so I got my Western fix and my Supernatural fix all in one night.
Latest Beatle song learned is "Let It Be". Very easy to sing and play, even with my goofy fingers. I am developing the ability to "hide" the most bent of them, my left hand ring finger, and have begun to train my pinkie to take over the index finger moves. So I can still play, it's just that chords are a bit harder.
But singing and playing at the same time is easier, just because of Doing It.
So I am also practicing a Journey song in the car, just to increase my range. It is "When The Lights Go Down In The City" (if that's the actual title), and I only decided to try it to piss Grimsley off, vicariously, because he hates Journey so much and always tirades about them. I used to hate Journey myself, back in my 20s, and while I am not a huge fan now, I can appreciate the tunefulness and certain catchiness of their hits. And because I am trying to develop my voice, I use extreme examples to try and hit notes.
You don't want to be sitting next to me in the car when I try to sing like Steve Perry.
In fact, I don't want to be sitting next to me!
But I have to attempt it.
First, to bug Grimsley, even if he isn't present.
But more importantly, to develop my range and vocal strength and sustain, which I have already been working on for a while now.
So that's the news for today. Hope to see you tomorrow.
This afternoon I drove up to something called The Cascades. That's just a nickname for the entry point of the L.A. Aqueduct as it comes down the mountainside into the Valley. It is most famous as the location - the "sluice gate" if you will - that the engineer William Mulholland used in 1911 to stage the dramatic "turning on" of the Immense Water Spigot that made the possibility of the Los Angeles Metropolis into a reality. I have reported before that without that aqueduct bringing non-stop water 400 miles southward from the Owens Valley, L.A. as a big city doesn't exist. We get most of our water from up in Northern California, and it enters what you can call "Los Angeles Proper" right there at the top of Balboa Boulevard, just north of O'Melveny Park, where the water comes down the mountain at The Cascades.
I have seen The Cascades from Balboa ever since I was a kid (we all have), but I recently read a PBS post on Facebook describing how you could see it up close, so that's what I was attempting to do today. I drove all the way up Balboa (about a mile past O'Melveny), and I parked just past a driveway with a latched gate at the end, the main gate to The Cascades operational site. I wanted to take a pic or two, and I probably could have, but I chickened out because of the "No Trespassing" signs all over the place. They meant "no trespassing" past the gate, but I don't mess around with such warnings anymore, so I didn't even approach the gate.
What I did do instead was go back to my car and look for the legitimate trail further up the street that is supposed to take you even closer to The Cascades. I drove up a side street (Nicklaus St.) looking for the trail mentioned in the PBS post. I couldn't find it this time, but I did get a close up look at The Cascades coming down the mountain. On Nicklaus Street there is a little turn-out that overlooks the mountainside, and it is an awesome view of the Los Angeles water supply bubbling it's way into the city. It's very, very close, but the problem once again was "no trespassing", this time in the form of red-zone no parking paint jobs at every curbside, and the fact that the homes on Nicklaus are part of a so-called "private community". That is unofficial-speak for "don't trespass because upper-middle class people live here and also because we know you are only here because you want to see The Cascades". It's probably not strictly illegal, but I am too old to mess with that kind of stuff. What PBS fails to mention is that with a press credential you can go anywhere. They suggest that the reader try it him-or-herself, but don't mention that an ordinary person might get the cops called on them. But, they did mention another trail, so next time I go up, I will try to find it. It will be worth it to get an up close photo of The Cascades.
On my way back, I went for a short hike at O'Melveny, too. :)
No movie tonight, but I did watch an episode each of two great shows, "Rawhide" and "One Step Beyond", so I got my Western fix and my Supernatural fix all in one night.
Latest Beatle song learned is "Let It Be". Very easy to sing and play, even with my goofy fingers. I am developing the ability to "hide" the most bent of them, my left hand ring finger, and have begun to train my pinkie to take over the index finger moves. So I can still play, it's just that chords are a bit harder.
But singing and playing at the same time is easier, just because of Doing It.
So I am also practicing a Journey song in the car, just to increase my range. It is "When The Lights Go Down In The City" (if that's the actual title), and I only decided to try it to piss Grimsley off, vicariously, because he hates Journey so much and always tirades about them. I used to hate Journey myself, back in my 20s, and while I am not a huge fan now, I can appreciate the tunefulness and certain catchiness of their hits. And because I am trying to develop my voice, I use extreme examples to try and hit notes.
You don't want to be sitting next to me in the car when I try to sing like Steve Perry.
In fact, I don't want to be sitting next to me!
But I have to attempt it.
First, to bug Grimsley, even if he isn't present.
But more importantly, to develop my range and vocal strength and sustain, which I have already been working on for a while now.
So that's the news for today. Hope to see you tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
"Tomorrow Is Forever" + Two New Books (Levenda & Nelson)
Saw an excellent movie this evening : "Tomorrow Is Forever" (1946), starring Orson Welles, Claudette Colbert & George Brent, and also featuring a 7 year old Natalie Wood in her first major role. The story is this : The time is November 1918. The end of World War One is at hand. Colbert, an office worker at a large chemical factory in Baltimore, is thrilled because this means her husband (played by Welles) will be coming home. She is ready to celebrate, but when she gets home from work that afternoon, there is a telegram waiting in her mailbox. That dreaded telegram known to all war widows. Her husband was killed on the war's final day.
Suddenly, her life seems over, just as it was about to begin anew. She is distraught, and is also pregnant with Welles' child. Her boss at the factory, played by the always reliable & gentlemanly George Brent, takes her under his wing and has her come live with his aunt, so that she will be supported as she recovers emotionally. Needless to say, Brent falls in love with her and ultimately asks her to marry him. She accepts, and he helps to raise her newborn son as his own.
But the only problem is that her first husband did not actually die. He was missing in action but still alive, though horribly injured (wait a minute, this is all sounding like the Christian Petzold film I watched the other night....).
Twenty years pass, and we are now on the verge of World War Two. Colbert lives happily with Brent and their now grown son (the handsome Richard Long), who is ready to volunteer for the coming war. This is a major plot theme, and I shall say no more.
Then - Holy Smokes - suddenly there is a new hire at the chemical factory : an important top level scientist from Austria arrives. He is badly crippled. Factory boss Brent throws a dinner party and invites the new guest. And when Colbert sees him, she nearly faints.
The "Austrian" is Orson Welles, of course, who has little memory of his pre-war life and former marriage. After being disfigured and nearly killed, he was rescued and given a new life by an Austrian surgeon. Now he is back in America, in Baltimore, and at work in the very chemical factory where his wife once worked, and is now remarried to the owner.
Good Lordy Moses, what a set up. Even better than in the Petzold movie, and that one was great. I must now go on a Brief Tirade about screenwriting, as I often do at such a juncture....
It has got to be mentioned yet again, harped on even, about the level of talent possessed by the screenwriters of the Golden Era. Here you have a 104 minute movie, just 14 minutes over the Ideal Motion Picture Length, and so much drama and story is crammed into that time frame that you feel as if you were watching years of their lives unfold. So much happens! Do you wanna know why, in many modern movies, a lot of car chases and explosions and stuff are substituted to fill out the time, and movies are thus even longer and often more boring? Because the screenwriters have nothing to say, that's why! But in the Golden Era, you had to really be able to write, and in this film the writing is as good as it gets. Several sub-themes are present, including an all-important one on the matter of War, and how it eats up the young. This plot features Richard Long, who is first rate in his role. Orson Welles and Claudette Colbert, two of the greatest screen actors in history, knock their roles far out of the ballpark.
"Tomorrow Is Forever" is a heavy, heavy film - emotional, almost metaphysical, and melodramatic to the core. I think it's one of the heaviest films I've ever seen, actually, especially in dealing with the age-old themes of love and death.
If you were living this movie instead of watching it, you would need to buy the Kleenex factory, or at least buy a werehouse of cartons of the stuff. But since you are just watching it and not living it, a single box should do you.
Me? I am stoic, y'know. :) I do my Kleenexing on the inside, most of the time anyway. :)
But man oh man, What A Movie. I give it 5 Stars, two Huge Thumbs Up.
How great is Orson Welles, anyway? ///////
I have also begun two new books :
1) "Sinister Forces - The Nine : A Grimoire Of American Political Witchcraft, Book One", written by Peter Levenda. The title is a mouthful, but to boil it down, it is the first in a three book series, written about ten years ago, that explores occult influences in American history, in the country's politics and culture. Book One begins with an in depth look at the Salem Witch trials. I am 30 pages in, and am riveted. Hey folks, there is a reason this country is so nuts and has wound up with a clown as President. The Influence Of The Masses is that reason. But who is doing the influencing?
2) The other book I am just starting is called "Remember The Liberty! : Almost Sunk By Treason On The High Seas" by Phillip F. Nelson, who also wrote two of the most important books in American history, about LBJ. Google them if you wish, or better yet, read them, as every American should. The USS Liberty was a spy ship that was stationed in the Middle East during the Six Day War in June 1967, fought between Israel and Egypt and Jordan. On the fourth day of that short war, Israel tried to sink an American ship - the Liberty - and in the process killed 34 American sailors. This incident has been buried in our history. If you wanna know why, it's because the incident was plotted to happen by Lyndon Baines Johnson, our President at the time. He was willing to use the tactic of "having your own killed" and then blaming it on someone else, in order to have a reason to get into a war.
Shades of the Reichstag Fire, orchestrated by Hitler.
Yes, folks, we have had events in American history, even recent ones, that are every bit as heinous as those of the Nazis or other nefarious regimes. And in LBJ, we had the closest thing to Our Hitler, Trump notwithstanding because he's Too Stupid To Pull Off What LBJ Pulled Off.
So, what I say is, "do your reading if you wish". I know that not everyone has the time. My "thing" is reading, and research, but I know it's not everyone's bag.
But at the very least, please be aware of What Has Really Happened In The United States Of America.
Not just the lame, half-baked stuff you see and hear on CNN or or any other media.
Don't waste your time watching that stuff. Is is a "garbage cycle", designed to get you hooked and keep you on edge without ever revealing to you the deeper issues that have caused the grevious problems we now face.
Don't watch news.
Instead, read Real History, researched by Dedicated Journalists, who really do give a Flying One about this country and the world.
That's all for tonight.
Suddenly, her life seems over, just as it was about to begin anew. She is distraught, and is also pregnant with Welles' child. Her boss at the factory, played by the always reliable & gentlemanly George Brent, takes her under his wing and has her come live with his aunt, so that she will be supported as she recovers emotionally. Needless to say, Brent falls in love with her and ultimately asks her to marry him. She accepts, and he helps to raise her newborn son as his own.
But the only problem is that her first husband did not actually die. He was missing in action but still alive, though horribly injured (wait a minute, this is all sounding like the Christian Petzold film I watched the other night....).
Twenty years pass, and we are now on the verge of World War Two. Colbert lives happily with Brent and their now grown son (the handsome Richard Long), who is ready to volunteer for the coming war. This is a major plot theme, and I shall say no more.
Then - Holy Smokes - suddenly there is a new hire at the chemical factory : an important top level scientist from Austria arrives. He is badly crippled. Factory boss Brent throws a dinner party and invites the new guest. And when Colbert sees him, she nearly faints.
The "Austrian" is Orson Welles, of course, who has little memory of his pre-war life and former marriage. After being disfigured and nearly killed, he was rescued and given a new life by an Austrian surgeon. Now he is back in America, in Baltimore, and at work in the very chemical factory where his wife once worked, and is now remarried to the owner.
Good Lordy Moses, what a set up. Even better than in the Petzold movie, and that one was great. I must now go on a Brief Tirade about screenwriting, as I often do at such a juncture....
It has got to be mentioned yet again, harped on even, about the level of talent possessed by the screenwriters of the Golden Era. Here you have a 104 minute movie, just 14 minutes over the Ideal Motion Picture Length, and so much drama and story is crammed into that time frame that you feel as if you were watching years of their lives unfold. So much happens! Do you wanna know why, in many modern movies, a lot of car chases and explosions and stuff are substituted to fill out the time, and movies are thus even longer and often more boring? Because the screenwriters have nothing to say, that's why! But in the Golden Era, you had to really be able to write, and in this film the writing is as good as it gets. Several sub-themes are present, including an all-important one on the matter of War, and how it eats up the young. This plot features Richard Long, who is first rate in his role. Orson Welles and Claudette Colbert, two of the greatest screen actors in history, knock their roles far out of the ballpark.
"Tomorrow Is Forever" is a heavy, heavy film - emotional, almost metaphysical, and melodramatic to the core. I think it's one of the heaviest films I've ever seen, actually, especially in dealing with the age-old themes of love and death.
If you were living this movie instead of watching it, you would need to buy the Kleenex factory, or at least buy a werehouse of cartons of the stuff. But since you are just watching it and not living it, a single box should do you.
Me? I am stoic, y'know. :) I do my Kleenexing on the inside, most of the time anyway. :)
But man oh man, What A Movie. I give it 5 Stars, two Huge Thumbs Up.
How great is Orson Welles, anyway? ///////
I have also begun two new books :
1) "Sinister Forces - The Nine : A Grimoire Of American Political Witchcraft, Book One", written by Peter Levenda. The title is a mouthful, but to boil it down, it is the first in a three book series, written about ten years ago, that explores occult influences in American history, in the country's politics and culture. Book One begins with an in depth look at the Salem Witch trials. I am 30 pages in, and am riveted. Hey folks, there is a reason this country is so nuts and has wound up with a clown as President. The Influence Of The Masses is that reason. But who is doing the influencing?
2) The other book I am just starting is called "Remember The Liberty! : Almost Sunk By Treason On The High Seas" by Phillip F. Nelson, who also wrote two of the most important books in American history, about LBJ. Google them if you wish, or better yet, read them, as every American should. The USS Liberty was a spy ship that was stationed in the Middle East during the Six Day War in June 1967, fought between Israel and Egypt and Jordan. On the fourth day of that short war, Israel tried to sink an American ship - the Liberty - and in the process killed 34 American sailors. This incident has been buried in our history. If you wanna know why, it's because the incident was plotted to happen by Lyndon Baines Johnson, our President at the time. He was willing to use the tactic of "having your own killed" and then blaming it on someone else, in order to have a reason to get into a war.
Shades of the Reichstag Fire, orchestrated by Hitler.
Yes, folks, we have had events in American history, even recent ones, that are every bit as heinous as those of the Nazis or other nefarious regimes. And in LBJ, we had the closest thing to Our Hitler, Trump notwithstanding because he's Too Stupid To Pull Off What LBJ Pulled Off.
So, what I say is, "do your reading if you wish". I know that not everyone has the time. My "thing" is reading, and research, but I know it's not everyone's bag.
But at the very least, please be aware of What Has Really Happened In The United States Of America.
Not just the lame, half-baked stuff you see and hear on CNN or or any other media.
Don't waste your time watching that stuff. Is is a "garbage cycle", designed to get you hooked and keep you on edge without ever revealing to you the deeper issues that have caused the grevious problems we now face.
Don't watch news.
Instead, read Real History, researched by Dedicated Journalists, who really do give a Flying One about this country and the world.
That's all for tonight.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
SB? Are You Back? + 1989 & Ann
Well, SB, your posts started showing up again this evening, just a little while ago. I am referring to posts found in the "posts You like" feature that I have been using as a means to communicate for the past couple years, ever since FB took away my news ticker. At any rate, for about two weeks there, whenever I checked "posts You like", all it showed was a single post from 2016. Normally, it shows a whole scroll of posts, old ones mostly but with a few mixed in from that day. For a couple years, I have checked it every day as it was my way of seeing your communications. There was almost always a new post, or several, and there was always a whole scroll of older posts. But around late June it just shut down, and that was a main part of the reason I figured you didn't wanna communicate with me anymore. FB has their stupid logarithms and programs, and I guess if you don't make enough posts, or "likes", then that feature shuts down. That's the reason they say I lost my news ticker : not enough FB friends. So I guess the "posts You like" feature shut down because you weren't liking any posts, although when it came back on tonight, I did see three posts from last week. Nothing to do with me; it was all band stuff, but anyway it looks like you did use FB, at least a little bit, last week.
I don't get it, because as I have said, I have you set first in every aspect of Facebook posting. I have you set under "see first" meaning that your posts should show up first, at the top of the news feed. But no matter what I do, it has gotten harder and harder to see your posts and to communicate, which is why I gave up about two weeks ago. It's why I stopped posting my little " :):) " songs every night, too. I just assumed you were done with me, and I figured it was because I asked perhaps too many questions about your upcoming move to Chicago.
Anyway, the whole thing kind of wiped me out emotionally. I'm not mad about it, and I don't even know if you meant it to be that way. With the stupid FB systems and the way they work (or don't work), I really don't know what is going on. All I know is that it used to be really easy to communicate, back in the days of the news ticker and multiple posts seen throughout the day. Then it got harder and harder beginning in 2015, until it finally shut down a couple weeks ago.
I still feel the same way about you, and I'm not upset about the whole thing, but I was confused by it, and I still don't know if you actually wanna communicate with me anymore. The posts feature only just came back on a couple hours ago, so maybe it's too early to tell. I guess for now I will keep writing the blog as I have been since July 1st or so, but if I am able to see enough posts beginning tomorrow, and if it looks like those posts are "communication posts", then I will assume you do want to communicate, and I will go back to writing directly to you here at the blog, and addressing you the way I usually do.
Basically, as you know, if you Are Back - as The SB (!) - I will be able to tell. Remember that our communication has always worked as part intuition and part interpretation, and I am good at both. :) Anyhow, I hope all has been going well. I hope you decide to keep posting, too, but no worries in any case. Let's just hope that if you do post, the stupid FB logarithm shows it. /////
That's all on that subject for tonight.
I'm super tired as always, and I was gonna write a little bit more about 1989, and Ann's role in it, as the first 24 hours played out. Ann is a key for me, because she was there for many of the events that comprise my first and clearest memories. I want especially to remember as clearly as possible the "morning after" at the apartment complex, because it has taken me years to come to the conclusion that it was most likely Ann as well who was present when I was almost forced (you could say "strongly urged" to sign that Non-Disclosure Oath, a secrecy oath that basically locks you into silence with the Federal government about what you have witnessed. In my case, the oath was a moot point because I was induced to have amnesia of what happened to me, via drugs and hypnosis. I didn't remember anything, so I couldn't violate an oath even if I had wanted to. Until about 1997, when I was finally able to make sense of the crazy-but-real memories that had come back to me.
But with the Non-Disclosure Oath, what happened was this : I woke up from the previous night's incident, in an empty apartment I had been placed in for "safe keeping" by a Federal agent, agency unknown but assumed to be FBI. This is for real, 100%, and not a joke. Ann was there when I was placed in the empty apartment and could testify to the truth of it. I think Lys was there, too, but not certain about it.
Anyhow, I slept on the floor of the empty apartment that night, September 1, 1989. The Federal Agent had said, to Ann, that "there were some bad guys" still out there, and it would be safer for me there at the apartment complex than at home, alone. Ann (and Lys, I think, and MSY) had attempted to take me home, but no one was there, and Ann - being a nurse - didn't think it was safe to leave me there.
Thank you, Ann.
Anyway, when I woke up in the empty apartment, I was disoriented. I was actually awakened by a woman who I now believe was the manager of the complex. I was groggy and just wanted to go home, but she explained to me that I couldn't leave, because "they" wanted to talk to me. She may have assumed I'd know who "they" were. I didn't.
It seemed like an eternity that morning. All I wanted was to go home.
Finally, I was directed to go outside, to a metal table with an umbrella above it. Two guys were there, Federal Agents. I now consider them to be a couple of cowards, because they took advantage of me when I was extremely disoriented and in a weakened state, and they basically coerced me into signing that oath. I can find the filing code number for it with a little Google searching. That was how I rediscovered it in the first place.
I have gotta make a quick disclaimer to re-state that I am as patriotic an American as you will find. Overall pro-military (for defense of the nation), and 1000% pro Constitution. But if there is one thing I hate more than anything, it is criminality or deceit under the color of authority. And those two guys who made me sign that paper, when I was basically cowering from my experiences of the previous evening, were a couple of Big Time Chicken Shits, picking on me in a diminished state. Hiding behind Federal authority, they were. If I was sitting at that table now, I would say : "F*** You. You can shove that paper up your ***".
Or more probably, I would simply say, "no, I am not gonna sign that".
And I think I said something similar, anyway. I was very skeptical of those guys, even as debilitated as I was.
And that's where Ann comes in, because I am almost sure she was there. It is 1000% certain she was with me for much of the previous night. But I had to get home after I finally was allowed to leave the apartment complex the next morning, after signing the paper for the Two Cowardly Agents.
I had to get home somehow.
And I know I didn't walk.
And I know, by the process of elimination, and after years of trying to remember how I got home, that none of my family members nor any of my friends took me home. And I certainly did not drive myself home. I didn't have a car then.
No, it was Ann who drove me home. I am 99% certain of it. She was with me the night before, and they must have called her to come back and get me the next morning.
I am also 99% certain she was there at the table when those guys made me sign that paper.
Ann could probably tell me a lot about that situation, and what happened in those first 24 hours.
I hope to talk to her one day.
I don't get it, because as I have said, I have you set first in every aspect of Facebook posting. I have you set under "see first" meaning that your posts should show up first, at the top of the news feed. But no matter what I do, it has gotten harder and harder to see your posts and to communicate, which is why I gave up about two weeks ago. It's why I stopped posting my little " :):) " songs every night, too. I just assumed you were done with me, and I figured it was because I asked perhaps too many questions about your upcoming move to Chicago.
Anyway, the whole thing kind of wiped me out emotionally. I'm not mad about it, and I don't even know if you meant it to be that way. With the stupid FB systems and the way they work (or don't work), I really don't know what is going on. All I know is that it used to be really easy to communicate, back in the days of the news ticker and multiple posts seen throughout the day. Then it got harder and harder beginning in 2015, until it finally shut down a couple weeks ago.
I still feel the same way about you, and I'm not upset about the whole thing, but I was confused by it, and I still don't know if you actually wanna communicate with me anymore. The posts feature only just came back on a couple hours ago, so maybe it's too early to tell. I guess for now I will keep writing the blog as I have been since July 1st or so, but if I am able to see enough posts beginning tomorrow, and if it looks like those posts are "communication posts", then I will assume you do want to communicate, and I will go back to writing directly to you here at the blog, and addressing you the way I usually do.
Basically, as you know, if you Are Back - as The SB (!) - I will be able to tell. Remember that our communication has always worked as part intuition and part interpretation, and I am good at both. :) Anyhow, I hope all has been going well. I hope you decide to keep posting, too, but no worries in any case. Let's just hope that if you do post, the stupid FB logarithm shows it. /////
That's all on that subject for tonight.
I'm super tired as always, and I was gonna write a little bit more about 1989, and Ann's role in it, as the first 24 hours played out. Ann is a key for me, because she was there for many of the events that comprise my first and clearest memories. I want especially to remember as clearly as possible the "morning after" at the apartment complex, because it has taken me years to come to the conclusion that it was most likely Ann as well who was present when I was almost forced (you could say "strongly urged" to sign that Non-Disclosure Oath, a secrecy oath that basically locks you into silence with the Federal government about what you have witnessed. In my case, the oath was a moot point because I was induced to have amnesia of what happened to me, via drugs and hypnosis. I didn't remember anything, so I couldn't violate an oath even if I had wanted to. Until about 1997, when I was finally able to make sense of the crazy-but-real memories that had come back to me.
But with the Non-Disclosure Oath, what happened was this : I woke up from the previous night's incident, in an empty apartment I had been placed in for "safe keeping" by a Federal agent, agency unknown but assumed to be FBI. This is for real, 100%, and not a joke. Ann was there when I was placed in the empty apartment and could testify to the truth of it. I think Lys was there, too, but not certain about it.
Anyhow, I slept on the floor of the empty apartment that night, September 1, 1989. The Federal Agent had said, to Ann, that "there were some bad guys" still out there, and it would be safer for me there at the apartment complex than at home, alone. Ann (and Lys, I think, and MSY) had attempted to take me home, but no one was there, and Ann - being a nurse - didn't think it was safe to leave me there.
Thank you, Ann.
Anyway, when I woke up in the empty apartment, I was disoriented. I was actually awakened by a woman who I now believe was the manager of the complex. I was groggy and just wanted to go home, but she explained to me that I couldn't leave, because "they" wanted to talk to me. She may have assumed I'd know who "they" were. I didn't.
It seemed like an eternity that morning. All I wanted was to go home.
Finally, I was directed to go outside, to a metal table with an umbrella above it. Two guys were there, Federal Agents. I now consider them to be a couple of cowards, because they took advantage of me when I was extremely disoriented and in a weakened state, and they basically coerced me into signing that oath. I can find the filing code number for it with a little Google searching. That was how I rediscovered it in the first place.
I have gotta make a quick disclaimer to re-state that I am as patriotic an American as you will find. Overall pro-military (for defense of the nation), and 1000% pro Constitution. But if there is one thing I hate more than anything, it is criminality or deceit under the color of authority. And those two guys who made me sign that paper, when I was basically cowering from my experiences of the previous evening, were a couple of Big Time Chicken Shits, picking on me in a diminished state. Hiding behind Federal authority, they were. If I was sitting at that table now, I would say : "F*** You. You can shove that paper up your ***".
Or more probably, I would simply say, "no, I am not gonna sign that".
And I think I said something similar, anyway. I was very skeptical of those guys, even as debilitated as I was.
And that's where Ann comes in, because I am almost sure she was there. It is 1000% certain she was with me for much of the previous night. But I had to get home after I finally was allowed to leave the apartment complex the next morning, after signing the paper for the Two Cowardly Agents.
I had to get home somehow.
And I know I didn't walk.
And I know, by the process of elimination, and after years of trying to remember how I got home, that none of my family members nor any of my friends took me home. And I certainly did not drive myself home. I didn't have a car then.
No, it was Ann who drove me home. I am 99% certain of it. She was with me the night before, and they must have called her to come back and get me the next morning.
I am also 99% certain she was there at the table when those guys made me sign that paper.
Ann could probably tell me a lot about that situation, and what happened in those first 24 hours.
I hope to talk to her one day.
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