Not just mega-tired tonight (which would be per usual for a Sunday night) but beyond that. Only got about three hours sleep before getting up early for church. Still all Kobestered Out. But, the singing was good and we nailed all our hymns and our anthem, despite missing our lead soprano. A one-hour practice session followed, which I always enjoy. :)
I'm entering a new paradigm - The Kobi-less Household - and it's weird for me because of the silence. I mean, in the last couple of years he didn't make much noise, but I did. As I've probably reported, I developed a habit of trying to liven up the house and provide a little stimulation for Pearl, by keeping a kind of "running commentary" with The 'Ster.
With him, as if he could carry on a conversation; to him, as if he was the boss and head of household; and maybe most prominently, about him. I would change song lyrics to be about Kobi, I would make up spontaneous "facts" about him, such as - upon waking up - "gotta make The Dog some coffee"! Because he was The Shot Caller, you know. I'd tell Pearl about Kobi's activities when we weren't home: "He teaches Good Boy classes to other dogs while you're at Golden Agers. He makes good money on the side". Kobi also had an agent who negotiated his fee for the Bischon calendars on Pearl's wall. At feeding time he was always about to yet again "break the record for eating Dog Food".
And, I'd tell Pearl that : "He keeps recommending that we try a bowl of dog food. He says it's delicious and that we'll really like it. I mean.....I don't know what to do. I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but.."
And I broke the news one time that he had just opened the world's first Dog Food Restaurant, where every item on the menu, including dessert, was made from Dog Food.
"He's certain it will be a success"! ("How could anyone not love Dog Food"?, he asked me).
So that was just a taste of the verbal interplay I had - imaginary or not (and I think "not"!) - with myself and Kobi, on behalf of Pearl and in the best interests of providing some liveliness in the household. It's not easy being a caregiver, but Kobi - just by being who he was - jump-started a stream-of-consciousness dialogue in me, whereby he became my foil, my Walter Mitty, where I could place him in any situation to tell an impromptu story.
It is pretty incredible looking back on all that non-stop dialogue. It wasn't all "up front" and loud or in anyone's face. A lot of the time I'd just be muttering away - "Koberdober this, Koberdober that"....
Or he was "The Pinsch" or "The Doberman" or "El Supremo", or about fifty other names.
The commentary, and the variety of the commentary, never ceased. Because otherwise, even with the TV on, it was too quiet in here. And at 93, Pearl needs some stimulus. This is the experience of the caregiver. And I was fortunate enough to have a Right Hand Man in the house this whole time, until two days ago.
The new paradigm, what I am hoping to get used to, is to have him still be here, but as a Spirit Kobi instead of Physical Kobester. This transition has been a big part of the heavy duty process I have been experiencing for the past 60 or so hours.
It felt like he went to church with us this morning. For real.
Yeah.....I know nobody believes that stuff.
Metaphysical mumbo jumbo, right?
Nope. Not in this case. This is the new paradigm. Belief does not affect it. It simply "Is".
I can't have The Dog just bailing on me. I need him to stay here and remain a part of The Team.
So I am trying to get used to the new logistics, of not being able to see him, etc.
Having to "sense" him intead.
It's not easy, but it's easier for me than you might imagine.
I've been through things like The Meadows in the earthquake years, and I've been through '89, and I have a ton of psychic experience. I've got one foot in this world, and one on the Other Side.
The Dog is even more psychic than me. This stuff is a piece of cake for him, though I do think he is blowing his Dog Mind that he can still see, and run around in, this world that he supposedly left.
It's all a bit Far Out, for certain. But again, I implore you to look up in The Sky, and ask yourself, "what isn't Far Out"?
The answer is that Everything Is Far Out.
All you need to do to understand this is to Stop Watching The News, Stop Being A Participant In The Everyday Cycle, Refuse To Let Cultural Pressure Make You Feel As If You Need To Keep Up On Trivial Things (and especially Stupid Human Stuff like politics), and instead - turn around and take an Amazing Look at the Universe that you are living in. And don't just look at it; absorb it.
Take a minute, and Absorb The Universe You Are Living In. Exclude all the Human BS, but include the Human Good Stuff........and The Animal Stuff...
And then ask yourself if Everything Isn't As Far Out As I've Said It is. ////
End Of Story, for tonight. :):)
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