Good Morning, Elizabeth,
I just wanted to say that it's a good day and remind you and everyone that all is well. I hope it is for you guys, too. I was up late, so I am just getting started. I may head out to Santa Susana a little later on (2 or 3), but for now I'll be here. Still gotta do the oil change, too, but I may postpone that for another day.
That's all for the moment. Have an awesome day, we all deserve it! That goes for everybody.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
(back later but home for now)
3:20pm : Hi, my Baby. I saw the photo you posted, and it is beautiful - my kind of place! It's our kind of place, the kind of place we will visit to see a beautiful sunset.
I hope all is going well. Just hanging out for the time being. I Love You!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
P.S. I forgot to say that I saw your earlier post, too - Humans Of New York. I think I understand, but all is well. As long as things are good for you (and everyone else), I am happy. :)
Midnight : Good Evening, my Girl. Sorry I am writing so late, but I got caught up in reading "Mr. Mercedes". Always hard to put a Stephen King book down. Also, I've said before and it's so true - I am a night person who reverts to his natural wake-and-sleep cycle as soon as I get a few days off. Work hours are work hours, but if it was up to my body, I'd stay awake until about 2am and get up about 9:30 or 10. :)
Earlier this evening I watched a great Western from 1948, called "Yellow Sky". It starred Gregory Peck, Anne Baxter, Richard Widmark and a lot of great character actors from that era. It was shot in b&w, and the extraordinary cinematography was done by a guy named Joe MacDonald. I don't know if I already mentioned a location here in California called the Alabama Hills (located 200 miles north of the Valley), but I have seen a couple movies recently that were shot there. Incredible rock formations, which I love, lol. And, I love black and white. Not for everything, but in certain situations it distills the image, allows the mind to focus on the image rather than the color. Black & White is pure light and shadow. The "color" is the grey scale.
I didn't do much today, just kinda got my bearings back. We got thrown for a little bit of a loop there. I am going to have to sort of follow your lead in the immediate future because I don't know what's happening at your end. I speculated that your folks could have read Myspace at the beginning of all this, so maybe they have this Blogger link, too, I don't know. Reading the blog, if they (or anyone for that matter) had the link, would not be spying because I posted it at FB when Myspace went under.
Anyhow, all that stuff aside, I have always written from the heart, and openly. I started way back in 1999, on a site called Delphi (now defunct), and my attitude then was "Please Read"! I wanted everyone and anyone to read what I was writing because I wanted information about 1989. Then I went to Myspace in 2006 and wrote extensively about that situation. I wrote the material for a book, though it would have to be edited down.
There are things that happen in this world that people cannot fathom, if they either do not experience such things for themselves, or if they have no interest in such subjects and therefore do not study them.
Not alien abduction or anything that seems connected to a New Age crowd - joiners - people who are seeking something.
I wrote all those years about something specific. A specific event, or series of events that comprised one very big event.
Elizabeth, you are an intelligent woman, and so I tell you this : many people, most people, almost all people, do not understand what really goes on in the world, where the gears are located, who shifts those gears.
In America, we have a system of education, in which people are systematically educated. In this system, a person of intelligence and ability can rise to a high level in a chosen field, but even if that field is a rarified area of science, or business, or whatever the case may be, that person will be highly educated in that field, but they will still have no idea what is really going on in the world unless they make a lifetime study of what is really going on in the world.
Not what the news says is going on. That is a symptom, an "end result". For example, all the fighting in Israel, in Palestine - for decades now - is an "end result", of long term policies and secrets that only few know the truth of. And yet, the "news" presents it as "something that is now going on". "There is fighting".
Yes - but why? That is something we are not told, or if we are, we are given surface level information from the "news". Ditto our educational system.
What is really going on is hidden, to all except those who are willing, or feel the need to, make a study of it.
I have had no choice to make such a study myself, after what happened in 1989. It's why people think I'm weird, lol.
When we hear about Gaza, and Ukraine, and missing airplanes, and all the crazy stuff going on, we wonder, "doesn't anyone have the answers"? Of course there are people who do. They just don't want to disclose those answers, or the information about what caused the problem in the first place, to the public.
And that is because "the public", to them, is just "the public".
And the public mostly just goes with the flow and does not ask questions. Or if they do ask questions, they ask them from the perspective of the system : their education in that system, and the news system from which they receive their daily "information".
Blue collar people are too busy trying to make ends meet, and also they may not have the level of comprehension necessary to understand such affairs, even if they understand the general "gist" that the powerful are largely corrupted.
Then there are the "educated", those who have been through the system. They are the career people, and they work hard and help the country to prosper financially and structurally. But the mistake with the educated is that they are certain they know "what is happening".
They are up on all the politics, financial matters, social matters. They follow "what is going on".
But the only way they know to "follow what is going on" is through a system : the American system of education (which begins at kindergarten and extends through Phd.), that conditions them to follow that system for all of their informational needs, throughout their lifetime.
And so many people, educated or otherwise, depend on a system for reassurance.
They lose the ability to think for themselves, or more importantly, they lose the confidence to think for themselves.
And it doesn't matter if you are educated at the highest level, with a phd., or if you are a simple blue collar worker, or even if you are illiterate; once you give up your autonomy, and begin to rely on a system for your "life information", you have reduced yourself to part of an equilibrium, or an equivalency - a lowest common denominator.
That is because there is an elite in this world, and to them, it doesn't matter if you are Phd or blue collar illiterate. If you don't know what is going on, you are just part of the general public.
Now, that is fine, because as I have written, and as I believe, most people just want to live their lives. They want to be good at whatever they do, and they want to provide for their families, and they trust in this country to provide those opportunities for them. People are not generally caught up in class warfare or politics, or even news.
But then there are some people - just a few - who have little choice. That is because some of us have been given a glimpse - through no wish of our own - of what is really going on behind the scenes.
What is going on behind the scenes involves a true knowledge of history, which probably few know, and which the entire human race has a right to find out. It involves technology, and not just the "public consumption" technology of NASA and modern science.
True knowledge involves Things Hidden, because that is what has happened, things have been hidden from the general public, from Phd's and workers alike. Human beings lived mostly agriculturally until about 300 years ago. 150 years ago is when things really began to step up, and since that time, all kinds of discoveries have been made that have been hidden from the public. Phd's think they are "in the know" because they've been to university, and blue collars jab at conspiracy theories or just go with the flow, but meanwhile, the things that have been hidden remain hidden.
And that is because there has been, over the centuries, a very concerted effort to ensure that these secrets of world history, and archaeology, and science, remain hidden.
That way, only a few will have such knowledge, and therefore only a few will truly control things.
And that describes America, and the developed world, for much of the last three centuries, and especially the last 150 years.
The problem, in this "information age" we are currently living in, is that many people who have been through The System, and are therefore "highly educated", believe they know what is going on as a result of that. And they do know what is going on, at "ground level". At a level that allows them to live their lives.
But the problem with education through the system is that it causes people to form "opinions" about any given subject, though these opinions come from surface level knowledge, transferred through the American system.
The "opinions" everyone has nowdays are what is causing so many problems in this Age Of Too Much Information. Everyone is an expert on everything, and it has all caused an overload.
I have looked for alternatives - alternative sources of information - to help me understand the things that have happened in my life. I have also written bluntly and frankly about those experiences. I have learned a lot in my studies, though I would not expect that anyone would understand such things automatically, without an open mind at the very least, or a lengthy study at best.
What I believe would do the American public a service, however, is if everyone would stop relying on the system of "education" as a be-all and end-all of truth. What it actually is, is a system of facilitation.
It makes people adept at a task or knowledge of a specific area that is productive to daily society.
But it does not give them any knowledge of what is going on behind the system itself. In that way, everyone within the system is dictated to by the system.
The problem is that some believe the educational system has given them all the answers, and therefore, they feel they know best what is good for others, and for society as a whole. And when that happens, a sense of certainty results. Certainty about matters in the world, like politics, religious matters, etc. Arrogance can result from that.
And that is why we have such a divided world, and why so many people are fighting, and suspicious of one another. It's because of a system that gives us the ability to function in the world, from blue collar all the way up to phd, but never tells us what the world really is, or how it got to be this way.
Conventional history, and the news, pretend we are stumbling along for the answers, but in truth, there are some - an elite - who already have them. And they have a system to keep everyone else, the general public, from ever wondering what those answers are.
That's all I know for tonight.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
The Rest Of The Theory (No Worries Once Again)
Okay, Wonderful Lady, I will write just a little more for tonight, but I also wanna relax and listen to some piano music, so I will try to cut to the chase. I know I can ramble on sometimes, lol.
If I were Lt. Columbo, I would get to the bottom line. The bottom line here is that you apparently knew about my friend request to Lillian. I say "apparently" because I have only the recent symbolism to go by, but I have become accustomed, after over a year, to interpreting your messages, and I think I've got that one right. It's what the whole fiasco was about to begin with. You knew about my friend request.
So from there, the bottom line is that, ruling out any participation from Lillian, there was no legitimate way for you to have that information. We have already discussed that aspect. The only way for you to know it, is if someone had gotten inside my Facebook.
That leaves the last bottom line, the one we haven't discussed yet. The last bottom line is to ask, "who was the person who got inside my Facebook"?
Here is why I said in the last blog that it would get delicate. My girl, in two of your recent posts, the word "Mom" has been mentioned in the text. First, it was in the Emily Tebbets post of yesterday. Then again, it was part of the text in the Portraits Of Boston post. Now, the main theme of each of those posts was something very beautiful and loving, and for all I know, you meant those posts in the most face-value way, with their beautiful meanings. And that could well be the case. If so, as always please forgive me, and disregard all that I am writing.
But we are talking bottom lines here, and the bottom line is that somebody probably did get into my Facebook, and it would only have been one of a few people. And the word "Mom" does happen to be in the text of two of your most recent posts, both posted after I began talking about this subject.
Here is a scenario I can envision : In the Summer of 2012, I was posting directly to your FB wall on a regular basis. You were doing the same to mine. We were talking out in the open, I might have even had my FB set on "public" at the time, I don't recall. But we were talking openly, and we were IM-ing a lot, too.
Everybody in the Internet age checks out everybody else. Pictures are only a click away. Profiles, too.
Here is the important part, Elizabeth, and it is so Important that I am gonna capitalise it.
The Important Part is that Your Mom Loves You. I don't know much else about her, but I know that. That is why there is another bottom line, and it is a request from me. That request is this : If, and I am saying only if, it was your Mom who either got inside my Facebook, or who had somebody else do it, I ask that you not be mad at her, and that you not hold a grudge or anything of the kind.
If she didn't do it, or has nothing to do with it, or if I am in any way wrong, please forgive me, and please disregard.
But if I am right, then please honor my request. Please do not be angry about it. I am not angry, so please don't you be, either.
That doesn't make it right - hacking, that is. Whoever did it, if it was done, should know that it is something they could go to prison for. Hackers, if caught, get into serious trouble. Now, whoever did this probably did it in such a way that it would be hard if not impossible to prove. That is just a guess by me. But still, hacking is not something that anyone should be messing with, period. I may not be angry about it, but it's still very wrong, a total invasion of my privacy.
But let me continue with my scenario, the one I can envision which led to this : let's again go back to 2012. You and I are talking every day on FB. Your Mom is on FB. Your Mom loves you, and because she loves you, and because you were 19 at the time (an adult but still young, and her child), our postings may have caught her eye. "Okay", she may have wondered. "Who the hell is this guy"?
It is a scenario I have proposed before, even way back when our communication was first disrupted. When you came back, in January of 2013, and you used that Star Wars post to symbolise a "dark force" that had caused the break, I surmised that you meant it had been your parents, and I think I even wrote as much on Myspace. I was still blogging on Myspace in those days, and I may even have had the link to my blog on my FB profile. Again, I don't remember, but I know that in the days before I met you, when I wrote on Myspace it was for anyone to read. I was writing about What Happened In Northridge, and I wanted it all out in the open. I didn't care if anyone read about my past drug use or anything at all in my life, because there are so many stories like that nowdays, and every rock star and actor and athlete, it seems, has a rehab story to tell. On Myspace I also wrote about my restraining order, obtained by Lillian, and I wrote all about the circumstances that led up to it. I tried to be frank and honest in my assessment, and not whitewash anything.
Still, the truth is that it was not all that shocking. There was no violence involved. It was just a screwy situation based on confusion, drugs, and What Happened In Northridge in 1989. The restraining order happened almost twenty years ago. I have never had one since, and if anybody ever wanted to talk to me about it, they would understand exactly why it happened, and what the real issue was.
However, in the scenario I can envision, back in Fall 2012 or perhaps that Winter, your Mom, who loves you, saw our communication. She might have wondered "who is this guy", and then she might have seen my FB, seen my age. If my Myspace link was posted, she might have seen that, too. She might have clicked it, and maybe even read some of the blogs. I have speculated on this a long time ago. She might have read about drugs, and restraining orders, and had an absolute cow about it.
"Elizabeth! Who the hell is this guy? You don't know who he is, there's all kinds of kooks out there"!
I can envision that as a possible scenario that ended our direct communication. And as I have said before, I not only fully understand such a reaction by a Mom (or a Dad), I applaud it.
I applaud it because I would have done the same thing, were I in her position.
Okay, that is a Situation I Can Envision that led to the end of direct communication between you and me.
But how could the current situation have developed? Well, I really do want to take a break and listen to some piano music, and I don't wanna spend all my days off writing about this thing, but I will write a little further about it right now, just because I want to get it done as soon as possible. I have spent enough energy on this already.
I can envision a further scenario in which we are now in 2013. You and I had resumed communication by Valentine's Day, and I discovered you had feelings for me. That may have been around the time I began posting my nightly song on FB. I was still writing my Myspace blogs, only now, they were almost all about you, or us. If Mom had the Myspace link, and she read those new blogs, she would maybe have hit the roof.
"Elizabeth! The guy's in his 50s, for God's sake! You don't know who he is, this is crazy"!
You might have told her I'm a good guy. We'd known each other for a year by then. Before I discovered that you had feelings for me, I tried to keep my own feelings in check and not write about them. I only really opened up and wrote about love after I discovered it was mutual. I have said before that I can't help the year I was born in. But I understand that Mom might not see it that way.
But you kept posting, and communicating, so I kept writing and communicating. I never gave it a lot of thought, because though we have an age difference, you have been an adult from the time I've known you, and you have an emotional and intellectual intelligence beyond your years, and on top of all that - our communication has always been sweet and kindhearted. It has never been suggestive or lewd or anything like that. I am not that kind of person.
But there was the age difference, and the blogs about past use of drugs and a restraining order. So if Mom knew about that, and now in 2013 she was seeing new blogs about love - mutual love - she might have decided to do something about it.
So - and this is just my theory, please forgive me if I'm wrong - she might have decided to run a check on me, the kind they do at Peoplefinders or one of those sites. If she did one of those, I am guessing she would find nothing. There could be nothing to find except for the restraining order, or possibly the four times I was arrested between 1995 and 1997, all misdemeanor offenses, all of which I openly wrote about on Myspace, and all over stupid stuff like trespassing at The Meadows or failing to show up for a court date. All four arrests happened in the speed years, and all were misdemeanors. But I doubt any of it would show up in a criminal history check at Peoplefinders. I doubt it because I ran one myself, when I was applying for jobs back in the early 2000s. Nothing appeared then, because it had all been wiped off my record, and it was all wiped off my record because I went to all my probation appointments and all my anger-management classes (which you have to do if you have a restraining order). I met all my requirements set by the court, and so I have no criminal record. All of that stuff happened almost 20 years ago now. It has never happened again, because I am not a criminal type. I am not violent. I was using drugs, and I did some stupid stuff. Period.
Also, I was dealing with What Happened In Northridge, but that's a long story.
But in getting back to Mom, in 2013, if she ran a legitimate check on me, the kind employers run, she would have got nothing, because there is nothing.
So maybe - just maybe - she decided to run another kind of check on me. Her own check.
Right around that time, in May or June of 2013, CSUN was shutting down most of it's public computers. I knew that if I was gonna keep communicating with you, I would need to get my own computer. I got my Chromebook in June 2013. Shortly before or shortly after that, Myspace shut down, and I switched to Blogger for my daily writing.
I continued to wonder, once in a while, why we'd had that communication stoppage in 2012, and I always chalked it up to the most likely reason : parents. It's what you had hinted at anyway.
But now that I had a home computer, I suppose it might have made it easier to hack me, or attach to me, or whatever was done.
If indeed it was done. And it seems that it was, because that is our bottom line with the Lillian friend request. The only way to know that was through some kind of computer intrusion.
But in June 2013, with my daily blogs about you and me, and love and life, it is possible that Mom might have had enough.
"I am gonna find out who this guy is, and what his deal is, once and for all". That is just a guess by me, based on all available evidence and supposition.
So maybe Mom either got into my Facebook herself, or had somebody get into my Facebook. As I say, there seems to be a lot of technical wizards up there where you live. Your Mom looks like an accomplished lady, very intelligent.
If she or somebody she knows did get into my Facebook, I hope they left it at that. If my computer itself was attached, that truly sucks. It's a humongous invasion of privacy, and the kind of thing people can get ten years in prison for. The funny thing is, I would be a pretty boring choice for such an act of espionage. I basically go to FB, or Google, or the King's X board, or IMDB. Not a lot to spy on, really.
Or maybe the whole thing was not all that involved. After all, Mom has her own life, and it is probably busy enough without spying on me. Also, the evidence shows, and my intuition tells me, that for most of the time in the past two years, our communication has been fun, and lighthearted, and the mood has been good. You have seemed happy. I doubt it would have felt that way if your Mom or some third party had been constantly looking at my Facebook. So maybe it's a recent thing, or maybe even a one-time thing.
"Hey Elizabeth, you know that Adam just sent his old girlfriend a friend request? What do you think of him now? See, he's not so great after all".
That might have led to "F-You, Japan", and the Lily Pad posts.
At any rate, I have been writing for hours. I wanna listen to piano music.
Your Mom looks like a nice lady. There is no doubt she loves you. I would have been concerned if I were her. I would have looked into who the person was, too.
The only thing I would not have done was hacked, or invaded the person's privacy in the way that has likely been done to me. I can understand it, because of all the Myspace and other stuff your Mom might have read. I can understand her concern, and again, that concern is something I applaud.
But I can't condone the invasion of my privacy.
So the final bottom line, for tonight, anyway, at least unless there is anything else you need to tell me, or unless I can think of anything else I want to say tomorrow or at a later date, is this:
It took a few days to really set in, the reality of what may have happened here. I say "may have" because I do not know for sure. All I know is what the evidence shows, and it shows the likelihood of what I have described this evening. When that reality began to set in, a day or two ago, I was shocked - but in a mild kind of way. It was like a slow realisation - "ohhh, so that's what's been going on all this time. That's why everything is the way it is, with our communication, and the secrecy and everything".
I knew that, all this time, ever since I met you, that your Mom must know about me. I figured she might not approve, at least at first, but I also thought that maybe one day, if she met me, she would see that I am a good guy, intelligent and pretty normal. I am not as accomplished as she is, and I don't have a lot, but I'm a pretty steady guy at the end of the day.
I don't like, or trust, weirdos and criminals any more than your Mom does. If she met me or talked to me, she might discover that I am pretty all-American in a lot of ways, and pretty conservative and straightforward, too. I come from an excellent family, a family that has been in America for 400 years on both parents' sides. If your Mom met me, she might even end up liking me. I can guarantee there are worse guys you could know.
So the bottom line for tonight is : while it was entirely not cool, and extremely wrong, to invade my privacy - if it was done, and to whatever extent, even if it was total - I forgive whoever did it. If it was your Mom, I understand, for all of the reasons I have written about. I understand, and I forgive, but I don't condone, and it absolutely can never happen again. I don't want to even think it is happening again.
Please remember that it is a Federal offense. And no matter how sly a person may be, or what tricks they know, anyone can be caught, especially if they continue to do it. So to whomever did it, please stop. Don't get yourself in trouble. It's not worth it; I am a good guy. I am also far from stupid. Don't try to find out how far that is.
If you want to get to know me, you can always call. My cell # is posted on my FB. Elizabeth has it, too. Anyone can call me at any time, and I will talk about whatever you like. I can't help it about the age difference. It's just the years we each happened to be born in. But we are both adults. I try to be, and promise to be, a gentleman where Elizabeth is concerned. I try to talk about intelligent things. I'm not someone you need to worry about, much less spy on, but if you want to make sure, you can call or email. There are no hard feelings on my side. Everything is good, so long as the spying is overwith and it never happens again.
To Elizabeth, I ask you to please honor my one request out of all of this : please don't be mad at your Mom, or at anyone else who might have been involved in this. If it was Mom, she did it because she loves you.
Your Mom thinks you are awesome, believe it or not. It doesn't take a mind reader to know that. So be kind, and let's all try to understand one another here.
I'm a good guy, and I know you guys are, too. No harm done then.
Elizabeth, you know I love you, and when I originally told you that, I said I meant it in the highest way. High-minded, from the best of my spirit. I still mean it that way, so Bless You, and Mom and everyone in your family as well.
I Love You and I will see you in the morning, as always.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
If I were Lt. Columbo, I would get to the bottom line. The bottom line here is that you apparently knew about my friend request to Lillian. I say "apparently" because I have only the recent symbolism to go by, but I have become accustomed, after over a year, to interpreting your messages, and I think I've got that one right. It's what the whole fiasco was about to begin with. You knew about my friend request.
So from there, the bottom line is that, ruling out any participation from Lillian, there was no legitimate way for you to have that information. We have already discussed that aspect. The only way for you to know it, is if someone had gotten inside my Facebook.
That leaves the last bottom line, the one we haven't discussed yet. The last bottom line is to ask, "who was the person who got inside my Facebook"?
Here is why I said in the last blog that it would get delicate. My girl, in two of your recent posts, the word "Mom" has been mentioned in the text. First, it was in the Emily Tebbets post of yesterday. Then again, it was part of the text in the Portraits Of Boston post. Now, the main theme of each of those posts was something very beautiful and loving, and for all I know, you meant those posts in the most face-value way, with their beautiful meanings. And that could well be the case. If so, as always please forgive me, and disregard all that I am writing.
But we are talking bottom lines here, and the bottom line is that somebody probably did get into my Facebook, and it would only have been one of a few people. And the word "Mom" does happen to be in the text of two of your most recent posts, both posted after I began talking about this subject.
Here is a scenario I can envision : In the Summer of 2012, I was posting directly to your FB wall on a regular basis. You were doing the same to mine. We were talking out in the open, I might have even had my FB set on "public" at the time, I don't recall. But we were talking openly, and we were IM-ing a lot, too.
Everybody in the Internet age checks out everybody else. Pictures are only a click away. Profiles, too.
Here is the important part, Elizabeth, and it is so Important that I am gonna capitalise it.
The Important Part is that Your Mom Loves You. I don't know much else about her, but I know that. That is why there is another bottom line, and it is a request from me. That request is this : If, and I am saying only if, it was your Mom who either got inside my Facebook, or who had somebody else do it, I ask that you not be mad at her, and that you not hold a grudge or anything of the kind.
If she didn't do it, or has nothing to do with it, or if I am in any way wrong, please forgive me, and please disregard.
But if I am right, then please honor my request. Please do not be angry about it. I am not angry, so please don't you be, either.
That doesn't make it right - hacking, that is. Whoever did it, if it was done, should know that it is something they could go to prison for. Hackers, if caught, get into serious trouble. Now, whoever did this probably did it in such a way that it would be hard if not impossible to prove. That is just a guess by me. But still, hacking is not something that anyone should be messing with, period. I may not be angry about it, but it's still very wrong, a total invasion of my privacy.
But let me continue with my scenario, the one I can envision which led to this : let's again go back to 2012. You and I are talking every day on FB. Your Mom is on FB. Your Mom loves you, and because she loves you, and because you were 19 at the time (an adult but still young, and her child), our postings may have caught her eye. "Okay", she may have wondered. "Who the hell is this guy"?
It is a scenario I have proposed before, even way back when our communication was first disrupted. When you came back, in January of 2013, and you used that Star Wars post to symbolise a "dark force" that had caused the break, I surmised that you meant it had been your parents, and I think I even wrote as much on Myspace. I was still blogging on Myspace in those days, and I may even have had the link to my blog on my FB profile. Again, I don't remember, but I know that in the days before I met you, when I wrote on Myspace it was for anyone to read. I was writing about What Happened In Northridge, and I wanted it all out in the open. I didn't care if anyone read about my past drug use or anything at all in my life, because there are so many stories like that nowdays, and every rock star and actor and athlete, it seems, has a rehab story to tell. On Myspace I also wrote about my restraining order, obtained by Lillian, and I wrote all about the circumstances that led up to it. I tried to be frank and honest in my assessment, and not whitewash anything.
Still, the truth is that it was not all that shocking. There was no violence involved. It was just a screwy situation based on confusion, drugs, and What Happened In Northridge in 1989. The restraining order happened almost twenty years ago. I have never had one since, and if anybody ever wanted to talk to me about it, they would understand exactly why it happened, and what the real issue was.
However, in the scenario I can envision, back in Fall 2012 or perhaps that Winter, your Mom, who loves you, saw our communication. She might have wondered "who is this guy", and then she might have seen my FB, seen my age. If my Myspace link was posted, she might have seen that, too. She might have clicked it, and maybe even read some of the blogs. I have speculated on this a long time ago. She might have read about drugs, and restraining orders, and had an absolute cow about it.
"Elizabeth! Who the hell is this guy? You don't know who he is, there's all kinds of kooks out there"!
I can envision that as a possible scenario that ended our direct communication. And as I have said before, I not only fully understand such a reaction by a Mom (or a Dad), I applaud it.
I applaud it because I would have done the same thing, were I in her position.
Okay, that is a Situation I Can Envision that led to the end of direct communication between you and me.
But how could the current situation have developed? Well, I really do want to take a break and listen to some piano music, and I don't wanna spend all my days off writing about this thing, but I will write a little further about it right now, just because I want to get it done as soon as possible. I have spent enough energy on this already.
I can envision a further scenario in which we are now in 2013. You and I had resumed communication by Valentine's Day, and I discovered you had feelings for me. That may have been around the time I began posting my nightly song on FB. I was still writing my Myspace blogs, only now, they were almost all about you, or us. If Mom had the Myspace link, and she read those new blogs, she would maybe have hit the roof.
"Elizabeth! The guy's in his 50s, for God's sake! You don't know who he is, this is crazy"!
You might have told her I'm a good guy. We'd known each other for a year by then. Before I discovered that you had feelings for me, I tried to keep my own feelings in check and not write about them. I only really opened up and wrote about love after I discovered it was mutual. I have said before that I can't help the year I was born in. But I understand that Mom might not see it that way.
But you kept posting, and communicating, so I kept writing and communicating. I never gave it a lot of thought, because though we have an age difference, you have been an adult from the time I've known you, and you have an emotional and intellectual intelligence beyond your years, and on top of all that - our communication has always been sweet and kindhearted. It has never been suggestive or lewd or anything like that. I am not that kind of person.
But there was the age difference, and the blogs about past use of drugs and a restraining order. So if Mom knew about that, and now in 2013 she was seeing new blogs about love - mutual love - she might have decided to do something about it.
So - and this is just my theory, please forgive me if I'm wrong - she might have decided to run a check on me, the kind they do at Peoplefinders or one of those sites. If she did one of those, I am guessing she would find nothing. There could be nothing to find except for the restraining order, or possibly the four times I was arrested between 1995 and 1997, all misdemeanor offenses, all of which I openly wrote about on Myspace, and all over stupid stuff like trespassing at The Meadows or failing to show up for a court date. All four arrests happened in the speed years, and all were misdemeanors. But I doubt any of it would show up in a criminal history check at Peoplefinders. I doubt it because I ran one myself, when I was applying for jobs back in the early 2000s. Nothing appeared then, because it had all been wiped off my record, and it was all wiped off my record because I went to all my probation appointments and all my anger-management classes (which you have to do if you have a restraining order). I met all my requirements set by the court, and so I have no criminal record. All of that stuff happened almost 20 years ago now. It has never happened again, because I am not a criminal type. I am not violent. I was using drugs, and I did some stupid stuff. Period.
Also, I was dealing with What Happened In Northridge, but that's a long story.
But in getting back to Mom, in 2013, if she ran a legitimate check on me, the kind employers run, she would have got nothing, because there is nothing.
So maybe - just maybe - she decided to run another kind of check on me. Her own check.
Right around that time, in May or June of 2013, CSUN was shutting down most of it's public computers. I knew that if I was gonna keep communicating with you, I would need to get my own computer. I got my Chromebook in June 2013. Shortly before or shortly after that, Myspace shut down, and I switched to Blogger for my daily writing.
I continued to wonder, once in a while, why we'd had that communication stoppage in 2012, and I always chalked it up to the most likely reason : parents. It's what you had hinted at anyway.
But now that I had a home computer, I suppose it might have made it easier to hack me, or attach to me, or whatever was done.
If indeed it was done. And it seems that it was, because that is our bottom line with the Lillian friend request. The only way to know that was through some kind of computer intrusion.
But in June 2013, with my daily blogs about you and me, and love and life, it is possible that Mom might have had enough.
"I am gonna find out who this guy is, and what his deal is, once and for all". That is just a guess by me, based on all available evidence and supposition.
So maybe Mom either got into my Facebook herself, or had somebody get into my Facebook. As I say, there seems to be a lot of technical wizards up there where you live. Your Mom looks like an accomplished lady, very intelligent.
If she or somebody she knows did get into my Facebook, I hope they left it at that. If my computer itself was attached, that truly sucks. It's a humongous invasion of privacy, and the kind of thing people can get ten years in prison for. The funny thing is, I would be a pretty boring choice for such an act of espionage. I basically go to FB, or Google, or the King's X board, or IMDB. Not a lot to spy on, really.
Or maybe the whole thing was not all that involved. After all, Mom has her own life, and it is probably busy enough without spying on me. Also, the evidence shows, and my intuition tells me, that for most of the time in the past two years, our communication has been fun, and lighthearted, and the mood has been good. You have seemed happy. I doubt it would have felt that way if your Mom or some third party had been constantly looking at my Facebook. So maybe it's a recent thing, or maybe even a one-time thing.
"Hey Elizabeth, you know that Adam just sent his old girlfriend a friend request? What do you think of him now? See, he's not so great after all".
That might have led to "F-You, Japan", and the Lily Pad posts.
At any rate, I have been writing for hours. I wanna listen to piano music.
Your Mom looks like a nice lady. There is no doubt she loves you. I would have been concerned if I were her. I would have looked into who the person was, too.
The only thing I would not have done was hacked, or invaded the person's privacy in the way that has likely been done to me. I can understand it, because of all the Myspace and other stuff your Mom might have read. I can understand her concern, and again, that concern is something I applaud.
But I can't condone the invasion of my privacy.
So the final bottom line, for tonight, anyway, at least unless there is anything else you need to tell me, or unless I can think of anything else I want to say tomorrow or at a later date, is this:
It took a few days to really set in, the reality of what may have happened here. I say "may have" because I do not know for sure. All I know is what the evidence shows, and it shows the likelihood of what I have described this evening. When that reality began to set in, a day or two ago, I was shocked - but in a mild kind of way. It was like a slow realisation - "ohhh, so that's what's been going on all this time. That's why everything is the way it is, with our communication, and the secrecy and everything".
I knew that, all this time, ever since I met you, that your Mom must know about me. I figured she might not approve, at least at first, but I also thought that maybe one day, if she met me, she would see that I am a good guy, intelligent and pretty normal. I am not as accomplished as she is, and I don't have a lot, but I'm a pretty steady guy at the end of the day.
I don't like, or trust, weirdos and criminals any more than your Mom does. If she met me or talked to me, she might discover that I am pretty all-American in a lot of ways, and pretty conservative and straightforward, too. I come from an excellent family, a family that has been in America for 400 years on both parents' sides. If your Mom met me, she might even end up liking me. I can guarantee there are worse guys you could know.
So the bottom line for tonight is : while it was entirely not cool, and extremely wrong, to invade my privacy - if it was done, and to whatever extent, even if it was total - I forgive whoever did it. If it was your Mom, I understand, for all of the reasons I have written about. I understand, and I forgive, but I don't condone, and it absolutely can never happen again. I don't want to even think it is happening again.
Please remember that it is a Federal offense. And no matter how sly a person may be, or what tricks they know, anyone can be caught, especially if they continue to do it. So to whomever did it, please stop. Don't get yourself in trouble. It's not worth it; I am a good guy. I am also far from stupid. Don't try to find out how far that is.
If you want to get to know me, you can always call. My cell # is posted on my FB. Elizabeth has it, too. Anyone can call me at any time, and I will talk about whatever you like. I can't help it about the age difference. It's just the years we each happened to be born in. But we are both adults. I try to be, and promise to be, a gentleman where Elizabeth is concerned. I try to talk about intelligent things. I'm not someone you need to worry about, much less spy on, but if you want to make sure, you can call or email. There are no hard feelings on my side. Everything is good, so long as the spying is overwith and it never happens again.
To Elizabeth, I ask you to please honor my one request out of all of this : please don't be mad at your Mom, or at anyone else who might have been involved in this. If it was Mom, she did it because she loves you.
Your Mom thinks you are awesome, believe it or not. It doesn't take a mind reader to know that. So be kind, and let's all try to understand one another here.
I'm a good guy, and I know you guys are, too. No harm done then.
Elizabeth, you know I love you, and when I originally told you that, I said I meant it in the highest way. High-minded, from the best of my spirit. I still mean it that way, so Bless You, and Mom and everyone in your family as well.
I Love You and I will see you in the morning, as always.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Monday, August 4, 2014
A Theory, But No Worries
Hi, my Baby,
I was gonna watch a Bob Steele movie just now, and I had it playing but I was too distracted, so I figured I'd better write. I've still got the movie playing in the background, lol. It looks like it was filmed in Chatsworth.
Well, I kind of don't know where to start, just because my thoughts are jumbled up. With the Johan thing, when I wrote about it, I started by saying that the blog might jump around from topic to topic, that it might not be as concise as I'd like. In that case, probably because my thoughts on the subject were more focused, the blog was pretty coherent after all, and linear from one thought to the next. This one may not be that way. In fact, this subject may once again take a couple or even a few blogs until I say everything I wanna say, and that is because I don't yet know, entirely, what I want to say.
I don't know what I wanna say, because I don't know exactly what to think, and I don't know what to think because I don't know the entirety of the situation. I only know what my intuition is telling me, based on available evidence and possible hints.
So, please bear with me, because this blog (and any others that follow on the same subject) probably really will jump around from thought to thought, just because they aren't all in order.
I will preface by telling a little anecdote, and it is a little frank because it mentions the subject of drug use. I haven't used any drug, not even pot, in seventeen years, but for a while I did. Anyway, this preface is the kind of thing I used to write on Myspace : very frank, when I was mostly writing about my life.
A little anecdote : back in the years when we were using speed, which was from 1993 to 1997, my friend Dave used to sometimes get very paranoid. In California, we have an oil company called Union Oil. Their gas stations were called "76 Stations", and were known for their logo, a big orange ball with "76" written on it. At every station was a giant-sized version of that ball, high up on a pole. A big, spherical orange plastic ball with "76" painted on it.
Dave was terrified of that 76 ball. When he was high, and we were driving somewhere, he'd make sure to request that we bypass any route that led past a 76 station. If he was driving he automatically gave them a wide berth.
Dave claimed there was "equipment" inside those big plastic 76 balls. Equipment like cameras that could see everything you were doing. He also thought they held mind-reading equipment. Really weird stuff, I know. At home, when we all lived on Burton Street, Dave also insisted that we not watch "Home Improvement", because he swore that one of the characters, played by Richard Karn, could literally see out of the television set, and into the living room of the viewer. Dave said that Karn was a "narc" who would "turn you in because he can see what you're doing". Meaning doing drugs, or whatever. Dave took the "whatever" part pretty far, because for him it extended to his thoughts. He thought "narcs" like Richard Karn in the TV set, and the "equipment" in the 76 ball could read a person's thoughts, and if you were thinking anything that "They" didn't approve of, you were in deep trouble. Richard Karn would report you.
I used to alternately laugh Dave off and humor him, because you could not talk him out of these certainties. Surveillance was everywhere, even inside your head.
Speed does a lot of things, and one of them is to make some users very paranoid. But ironically, as it turns out, ol' Dave wasn't completely off the mark. He may have gone way overboard in his assessment of the big orange 76 ball, which is probably hollow on the inside, and to this day I don't know why he had it in for Richard Karn, of all people, but maybe Dave had a glimpse of the future, into the coming Internet age, an age when people with the right computer skills, and perhaps some software, can indeed look into a person's home, through the camera lens on their laptop. It sounds like something only the NSA would be capable of, but I have done some Googling and I see that ordinary citizens, with the right knowledge and skills, can do it, too. In England, there have been sting operations to catch such people, and people have been caught in America, too. It is quite illegal to engage in such an act, and it may even be a Federal offense. I do not know for sure. But I do know that ol' Mr. Davey wasn't entirely off the beam, about the technical capabilities of surveillance.
That's the end of the anecdote.
Today, I got the feeling, with your posts, that you were trying to tell me something. After the whole Johan/Lillian double fiasco, with all it's misconceptions and misunderstandings, I was left with the feeling that perhaps someone had hacked my Facebook, which I have already discussed in a previous blog. I couldn't shake the feeling, so I did some Googling, and I discovered that a person with enough skills can indeed not only hack someone's FB, but even go so far as to attach themselves remotely to another person's laptop camera. I thought such hacking was the stuff of backroom superwizards, guys like Snowden or the Wikileaks guy. I thought it was a one-in-a-million thing, but apparently it is more common than that. Apparently, anyone - given the right knowledge and perhaps software - can do it.
I did some more Googling, to see how I might determine if I had been hacked. From all the so-called "tell-tale" signs that were listed, I came to the conclusion that I probably had not been severely hacked, to the point where my computer was comandeered. Nevertheless, I did two things last night, to make things more difficult for any potential hacker. First, I put a small piece of a Post-It note over the lens on the camera. The second thing I did was to change my Facebook password. I don't know if those two measures could stop a determined hacker, but I am pretty sure no one can reverse-view through my camera now.
Now, before I go any further, it is very important to state that I am not implying that anyone has hacked into my laptop to that extent, so that they could use the camera.
I am not suggesting that at all. But once you feel you've been hacked, even just on Facebook, it's an enormous invasion of privacy. You feel completely exposed and vulnerable, and so you want to take no chances.
Now, as you know, I know next to nothing about the technical aspects of computers. I also have no patience for reading through a lot of computerspeak technical lingo. I also have a Chromebook instead of Windows, and so I did not take every last precaution and security measure that was listed in the Google search. A lot of those systems, I don't think I even have. I think a lot of it was written for Windows security. With Chromebook, I think the Google system is supposed to do all of it for you. But anyway, the bottom line is that I don't know an anti-virus from a firewall from any of that stuff. Remember that I used library computers for 15 of the 16 years I've been on the Internet. I never thought about getting hacked, or at least I never thought (or had to think) about someone getting inside my computer system. That's because I used library computers until a year ago.
On my Google search, besides the extreme of latching on to someone's laptop camera, I discovered that there were other things hackers can do. They can look at a person's browsing history, they can use "cookies" or "phishing" e-mails to latch on to some code or another, that will ultimately, with the right steps followed, lead them inside another person's computer. It doesn't even have to be another computer in the same house, running off of the same system. It can be a computer at a remote location. A skilled person in Texas, say, could get inside the computer of a person in Nevada. I suppose it could be done across international boundaries, too.
Now, when I say "anybody" could do it, that is probably not literally true, or it would be happening all over the place with great frequency. Mostly, when we think of that level of surveillance, we think of the capabilities of an organisation like the NSA or FBI. But from what I have read, a person with sophistication and the right skill set could probably do it, given the right circumstances. And it might take less skill to hack a person's Facebook, rather than to get all the way inside their computer.
I don't know that my Facebook was hacked. I don't know if my computer was hacked, or latched onto. But I took the only precautions I could think of, and that I had the patience for : I changed my FB password and I put a piece of paper over my Chromebook lens.
This afternoon, you made two posts, my girl. One post had to do with "extinct" penguins. The comment from the poster was "if only they were still around, haha". I thought at first it might be an "ordinary" post between you and Stephane, some in-joke that he would get. But then I thought of the current circumstances, and I know you know how my brain works, how I interpret things. And so I thought, "if only they were still around".........but they aren't because they're "extinct".
You posted that this afternoon without any prompting, so I thought that maybe it had to do with the precautions I took last night. Maybe a person tried today to look at my Facebook, or at something else, but could not, because I changed the password. So maybe now, in your words, they were no longer "around". Instead, they were "extinct".
But then I thought, wait a minute, all I did was change my password. If someone hacked my Facebook (which would have been how the Lillian thing was discovered), how in the world could they have hacked it using my original password? No one could have known that, it was too obscure.
And then I thought, well, maybe you don't have to simply guess at a person's password. Maybe there is a way to "latch on" to some code or another, and get into their FB that way.
This is all the technical stuff that I don't have time or patience for, but I am sure if a person knows what they are doing, there is more than one way to discover a person's password, or get into their Facebook using another method.
Now, Elizabeth, here is where things get a little delicate, and that is why I am gonna make another disclaimer here to assure you, and anybody else, that I am not mad about any of this. Unnerved? Somewhat, yes. But mad, or even upset? No. And that's the truth. I'm not mad at anybody, if indeed I was hacked. The evidence sure seems to indicate that something has happened, but I will tell you something:
In my life, I have been through an experience that was so overwhelming that pretty much nothing can faze me anymore. One month from now will be the 25th anniversary of something I call "What Happened In Northridge". You may even have read about some of it back on Myspace, when all my old blogs were still up. One day, if you are still with me (and I hope you are!), I will tell you all about it, but even then it will be hard to understand. But for now, you can trust me when I say that it was so weird and so overwhelming, and finally, such a truly big deal, that I am kind of hard to shock nowdays. :)
So that is why I say that, if something has happened here, like a Facebook intrusion or even something more extensive than that, please don't worry about it. I know that ordinarily, perhaps, a person who was the victim of something like that might be expected to have a fit, but I am not going to. Everything is okay, but there is still some explaining to do, and I will have to do it in another blog. I am gonna go for my walk now, and I will write more when I get back. No worries.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I was gonna watch a Bob Steele movie just now, and I had it playing but I was too distracted, so I figured I'd better write. I've still got the movie playing in the background, lol. It looks like it was filmed in Chatsworth.
Well, I kind of don't know where to start, just because my thoughts are jumbled up. With the Johan thing, when I wrote about it, I started by saying that the blog might jump around from topic to topic, that it might not be as concise as I'd like. In that case, probably because my thoughts on the subject were more focused, the blog was pretty coherent after all, and linear from one thought to the next. This one may not be that way. In fact, this subject may once again take a couple or even a few blogs until I say everything I wanna say, and that is because I don't yet know, entirely, what I want to say.
I don't know what I wanna say, because I don't know exactly what to think, and I don't know what to think because I don't know the entirety of the situation. I only know what my intuition is telling me, based on available evidence and possible hints.
So, please bear with me, because this blog (and any others that follow on the same subject) probably really will jump around from thought to thought, just because they aren't all in order.
I will preface by telling a little anecdote, and it is a little frank because it mentions the subject of drug use. I haven't used any drug, not even pot, in seventeen years, but for a while I did. Anyway, this preface is the kind of thing I used to write on Myspace : very frank, when I was mostly writing about my life.
A little anecdote : back in the years when we were using speed, which was from 1993 to 1997, my friend Dave used to sometimes get very paranoid. In California, we have an oil company called Union Oil. Their gas stations were called "76 Stations", and were known for their logo, a big orange ball with "76" written on it. At every station was a giant-sized version of that ball, high up on a pole. A big, spherical orange plastic ball with "76" painted on it.
Dave was terrified of that 76 ball. When he was high, and we were driving somewhere, he'd make sure to request that we bypass any route that led past a 76 station. If he was driving he automatically gave them a wide berth.
Dave claimed there was "equipment" inside those big plastic 76 balls. Equipment like cameras that could see everything you were doing. He also thought they held mind-reading equipment. Really weird stuff, I know. At home, when we all lived on Burton Street, Dave also insisted that we not watch "Home Improvement", because he swore that one of the characters, played by Richard Karn, could literally see out of the television set, and into the living room of the viewer. Dave said that Karn was a "narc" who would "turn you in because he can see what you're doing". Meaning doing drugs, or whatever. Dave took the "whatever" part pretty far, because for him it extended to his thoughts. He thought "narcs" like Richard Karn in the TV set, and the "equipment" in the 76 ball could read a person's thoughts, and if you were thinking anything that "They" didn't approve of, you were in deep trouble. Richard Karn would report you.
I used to alternately laugh Dave off and humor him, because you could not talk him out of these certainties. Surveillance was everywhere, even inside your head.
Speed does a lot of things, and one of them is to make some users very paranoid. But ironically, as it turns out, ol' Dave wasn't completely off the mark. He may have gone way overboard in his assessment of the big orange 76 ball, which is probably hollow on the inside, and to this day I don't know why he had it in for Richard Karn, of all people, but maybe Dave had a glimpse of the future, into the coming Internet age, an age when people with the right computer skills, and perhaps some software, can indeed look into a person's home, through the camera lens on their laptop. It sounds like something only the NSA would be capable of, but I have done some Googling and I see that ordinary citizens, with the right knowledge and skills, can do it, too. In England, there have been sting operations to catch such people, and people have been caught in America, too. It is quite illegal to engage in such an act, and it may even be a Federal offense. I do not know for sure. But I do know that ol' Mr. Davey wasn't entirely off the beam, about the technical capabilities of surveillance.
That's the end of the anecdote.
Today, I got the feeling, with your posts, that you were trying to tell me something. After the whole Johan/Lillian double fiasco, with all it's misconceptions and misunderstandings, I was left with the feeling that perhaps someone had hacked my Facebook, which I have already discussed in a previous blog. I couldn't shake the feeling, so I did some Googling, and I discovered that a person with enough skills can indeed not only hack someone's FB, but even go so far as to attach themselves remotely to another person's laptop camera. I thought such hacking was the stuff of backroom superwizards, guys like Snowden or the Wikileaks guy. I thought it was a one-in-a-million thing, but apparently it is more common than that. Apparently, anyone - given the right knowledge and perhaps software - can do it.
I did some more Googling, to see how I might determine if I had been hacked. From all the so-called "tell-tale" signs that were listed, I came to the conclusion that I probably had not been severely hacked, to the point where my computer was comandeered. Nevertheless, I did two things last night, to make things more difficult for any potential hacker. First, I put a small piece of a Post-It note over the lens on the camera. The second thing I did was to change my Facebook password. I don't know if those two measures could stop a determined hacker, but I am pretty sure no one can reverse-view through my camera now.
Now, before I go any further, it is very important to state that I am not implying that anyone has hacked into my laptop to that extent, so that they could use the camera.
I am not suggesting that at all. But once you feel you've been hacked, even just on Facebook, it's an enormous invasion of privacy. You feel completely exposed and vulnerable, and so you want to take no chances.
Now, as you know, I know next to nothing about the technical aspects of computers. I also have no patience for reading through a lot of computerspeak technical lingo. I also have a Chromebook instead of Windows, and so I did not take every last precaution and security measure that was listed in the Google search. A lot of those systems, I don't think I even have. I think a lot of it was written for Windows security. With Chromebook, I think the Google system is supposed to do all of it for you. But anyway, the bottom line is that I don't know an anti-virus from a firewall from any of that stuff. Remember that I used library computers for 15 of the 16 years I've been on the Internet. I never thought about getting hacked, or at least I never thought (or had to think) about someone getting inside my computer system. That's because I used library computers until a year ago.
On my Google search, besides the extreme of latching on to someone's laptop camera, I discovered that there were other things hackers can do. They can look at a person's browsing history, they can use "cookies" or "phishing" e-mails to latch on to some code or another, that will ultimately, with the right steps followed, lead them inside another person's computer. It doesn't even have to be another computer in the same house, running off of the same system. It can be a computer at a remote location. A skilled person in Texas, say, could get inside the computer of a person in Nevada. I suppose it could be done across international boundaries, too.
Now, when I say "anybody" could do it, that is probably not literally true, or it would be happening all over the place with great frequency. Mostly, when we think of that level of surveillance, we think of the capabilities of an organisation like the NSA or FBI. But from what I have read, a person with sophistication and the right skill set could probably do it, given the right circumstances. And it might take less skill to hack a person's Facebook, rather than to get all the way inside their computer.
I don't know that my Facebook was hacked. I don't know if my computer was hacked, or latched onto. But I took the only precautions I could think of, and that I had the patience for : I changed my FB password and I put a piece of paper over my Chromebook lens.
This afternoon, you made two posts, my girl. One post had to do with "extinct" penguins. The comment from the poster was "if only they were still around, haha". I thought at first it might be an "ordinary" post between you and Stephane, some in-joke that he would get. But then I thought of the current circumstances, and I know you know how my brain works, how I interpret things. And so I thought, "if only they were still around".........but they aren't because they're "extinct".
You posted that this afternoon without any prompting, so I thought that maybe it had to do with the precautions I took last night. Maybe a person tried today to look at my Facebook, or at something else, but could not, because I changed the password. So maybe now, in your words, they were no longer "around". Instead, they were "extinct".
But then I thought, wait a minute, all I did was change my password. If someone hacked my Facebook (which would have been how the Lillian thing was discovered), how in the world could they have hacked it using my original password? No one could have known that, it was too obscure.
And then I thought, well, maybe you don't have to simply guess at a person's password. Maybe there is a way to "latch on" to some code or another, and get into their FB that way.
This is all the technical stuff that I don't have time or patience for, but I am sure if a person knows what they are doing, there is more than one way to discover a person's password, or get into their Facebook using another method.
Now, Elizabeth, here is where things get a little delicate, and that is why I am gonna make another disclaimer here to assure you, and anybody else, that I am not mad about any of this. Unnerved? Somewhat, yes. But mad, or even upset? No. And that's the truth. I'm not mad at anybody, if indeed I was hacked. The evidence sure seems to indicate that something has happened, but I will tell you something:
In my life, I have been through an experience that was so overwhelming that pretty much nothing can faze me anymore. One month from now will be the 25th anniversary of something I call "What Happened In Northridge". You may even have read about some of it back on Myspace, when all my old blogs were still up. One day, if you are still with me (and I hope you are!), I will tell you all about it, but even then it will be hard to understand. But for now, you can trust me when I say that it was so weird and so overwhelming, and finally, such a truly big deal, that I am kind of hard to shock nowdays. :)
So that is why I say that, if something has happened here, like a Facebook intrusion or even something more extensive than that, please don't worry about it. I know that ordinarily, perhaps, a person who was the victim of something like that might be expected to have a fit, but I am not going to. Everything is okay, but there is still some explaining to do, and I will have to do it in another blog. I am gonna go for my walk now, and I will write more when I get back. No worries.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Hanging At Home, Monday Afternoon Love :):) (got it, I think)
Hi, my Darling,
I'm just hanging around the apt. Got plenty of sleep, so I feel good. I think I will just take it easy today, and wait until tomorrow to take my car in for the oil change. I just feel like being on foot, since I am in a car so much. So, I'm just doing odds and ends, putting photos in albums, trying to find extra space to put books, just stuff I only would do on a day off, haha. In a little while I will walk down to Northridge Library to return a book and pick up two more, one of which is the new Stephen King, "Mr. Mercedes". I will have to knuckle down and read that one every day, as there is no chance I will be able to renew it. The good thing about SK books is that once you start them you can't put 'em down anyway, so finishing it in the allotted time won't be a problem.
I see your "like" of the Stephane "extinct penguin" post, but I am guessing it's just a regular FB post & not intended to mean anything? If it does, you can clarify if you want, but otherwise I will guess it's just an ordinary FB "like".
I hope you are having a good day and a good start to the week. I'm probably gonna hang around here for another hour or so, then walk down to the Libe. I will check in again in a little while.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
3:45pm : Okay, Sweet Baby, I am still here and I just saw your Portraits Of Boston post. I think it was perhaps a clarification on or enhancement of the penguins post? That's what I am thinking, and I am also thinking that I get your drift. Part of me says that I understand exactly what you are saying, but I'll let the message settle in and my intuition will distill it.
I will write more later on the subject, but I want to make sure that everybody knows that it's okay, no harm done, etc. Love and understanding are the key words here. Good posts, though, and I think I get it. I'll be back later with more, and I will still be here until about 5-ish.
Everything is cool. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I'm just hanging around the apt. Got plenty of sleep, so I feel good. I think I will just take it easy today, and wait until tomorrow to take my car in for the oil change. I just feel like being on foot, since I am in a car so much. So, I'm just doing odds and ends, putting photos in albums, trying to find extra space to put books, just stuff I only would do on a day off, haha. In a little while I will walk down to Northridge Library to return a book and pick up two more, one of which is the new Stephen King, "Mr. Mercedes". I will have to knuckle down and read that one every day, as there is no chance I will be able to renew it. The good thing about SK books is that once you start them you can't put 'em down anyway, so finishing it in the allotted time won't be a problem.
I see your "like" of the Stephane "extinct penguin" post, but I am guessing it's just a regular FB post & not intended to mean anything? If it does, you can clarify if you want, but otherwise I will guess it's just an ordinary FB "like".
I hope you are having a good day and a good start to the week. I'm probably gonna hang around here for another hour or so, then walk down to the Libe. I will check in again in a little while.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
3:45pm : Okay, Sweet Baby, I am still here and I just saw your Portraits Of Boston post. I think it was perhaps a clarification on or enhancement of the penguins post? That's what I am thinking, and I am also thinking that I get your drift. Part of me says that I understand exactly what you are saying, but I'll let the message settle in and my intuition will distill it.
I will write more later on the subject, but I want to make sure that everybody knows that it's okay, no harm done, etc. Love and understanding are the key words here. Good posts, though, and I think I get it. I'll be back later with more, and I will still be here until about 5-ish.
Everything is cool. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Sunday Morning Love :):) (harmony) (late night love)
Happy Sunday Morning, my Angel,
I am at Pearl's, but I just wanted to say I Love You! Best wishes also for good results on your video shoot, if you are working on it today. I will be taking the Kobedoggie up to CSUN in a little bit, and then I am off at 1pm, until next Friday. For now, much love and a giant hug and kiss.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoXO :):)
(giant ones)
1:40pm : Hi, my Darling. Just to say I am home. Gonna take it easy for a little while, get situated, maybe watch a movie. You are probably working on your video. I saw all your posts this morning, and of course I loved them. I did think that just maybe - only maybe - that there might be a message included in the Emily Tebbetts post, since you know the way I pick up things. If there is no message besides the obvious one of what is seen in the photos, then please disregard. But if there is an "extra" message in the text, I understand (I think), and all I can say is No Worries.
That's kinda becoming my motto, lol. No worries, not for me, not for you, not for anybody.
Everything is good, all the way around.
One thing I can say is that I am a great believer in family, and family harmony, mutual support and cooperation amongst family members, kindness and understanding in families.
My family went through some difficult times, as I've said. Mostly it was in the 1970s, when I was a teenager. It kind of lingered after that, the disharmony. I could go into great detail but I won't. Typical dysfunctional stuff, certainly unpleasant and even very unpleasant at times, but nothing truly horrific as some families have to deal with.
But a great blessing was that there was something underneath all of that, some kind of foundation of love and strength. I used to pray for harmony in my own family, and it came when I was an adult and my folks were older. By the time they were very old, they didn't see each other a lot (they were separated by then), but they lived close by each other, and I lived close by both of them. I was kind of the go-between, and both Mom and Dad would each ask how the other was doing. All the drinking was a thing of the past by then. So was all the arguing and fighting.
So my prayer was answered. In my parents' later years, we had a lot of great times and I did a ton of stuff with each one. The truth is, we had a blast in those years. And along with my late friend Dave, we were kind of a clique for a while, going to movies, art galleries, parks, road trips out to Edwards.
It was really cool, because that's how everything ended up - with my parents as my best friends.
I don't even think of the strife-ridden years anymore. Those were an aberration.
The real thing was what I experienced when I was a kid, and later in my adult years.
Family harmony, fun and love.
Thanks, God.
No family is perfect, just like no person is perfect, and wouldn't it suck and be really boring if they were? I think so. I also think it's important to love your family members and especially your parents, no matter what.
I know all of this may sound like a tangent, but it just occurred to me to write it, because I was thinking it. :)
So enjoy the rest of your day, and again, best wishes and results on your music video. You will knock it out of the park, as always. I will be hanging around for the time being and will write more this evening, just to check in.
I Love You, Elizabeth! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:30pm : Listening to Wilhelm Kempff, a sublime pianist. I didn't do much this evening, just napped and read Giza Death Star. My friend Ono came over earlier for an Orange Grove walk at CSUN with his doggie. We are having this "monsoon" weather (as they call it on TV), which I guess means it's leftover from storms out over the Pacific. We don't get any storm, just the weird, slightly breezy, ultra humid air. It's a once-in-a-while August thing. Anyway, the sky was full of thunderhead clouds as we headed down to the grove, and all of a sudden the sun broke through just a little, and there appeared a double rainbow.
Cue the infamous Youtube guy, I know. :)
But I had never seen a double rainbow before, so it was pretty neat. Of course it was when I didn't have my cam with me.......
You probably have been working on your video this evening. I am thinking that, since Paul has connections, and was in an established band in the 90s, and since he can still play at a big festival, that this video can have a good chance to be seen by a lot of people. So again, this is great because your name is on it as the director, it is your work. So that is very cool, and could provide other opportunities.
Well, that's all to report for tonight. I don't have any plan for my days off, though I do need to take my car in for an oil change. Maybe do that tomorrow or Tuesday. Other than that, we will see, but I know one thing for sure : it's gonna be an awesome week!
I will see you in the morning, my Darling. Sweet Dreams.......
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I am at Pearl's, but I just wanted to say I Love You! Best wishes also for good results on your video shoot, if you are working on it today. I will be taking the Kobedoggie up to CSUN in a little bit, and then I am off at 1pm, until next Friday. For now, much love and a giant hug and kiss.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoXO :):)
(giant ones)
1:40pm : Hi, my Darling. Just to say I am home. Gonna take it easy for a little while, get situated, maybe watch a movie. You are probably working on your video. I saw all your posts this morning, and of course I loved them. I did think that just maybe - only maybe - that there might be a message included in the Emily Tebbetts post, since you know the way I pick up things. If there is no message besides the obvious one of what is seen in the photos, then please disregard. But if there is an "extra" message in the text, I understand (I think), and all I can say is No Worries.
That's kinda becoming my motto, lol. No worries, not for me, not for you, not for anybody.
Everything is good, all the way around.
One thing I can say is that I am a great believer in family, and family harmony, mutual support and cooperation amongst family members, kindness and understanding in families.
My family went through some difficult times, as I've said. Mostly it was in the 1970s, when I was a teenager. It kind of lingered after that, the disharmony. I could go into great detail but I won't. Typical dysfunctional stuff, certainly unpleasant and even very unpleasant at times, but nothing truly horrific as some families have to deal with.
But a great blessing was that there was something underneath all of that, some kind of foundation of love and strength. I used to pray for harmony in my own family, and it came when I was an adult and my folks were older. By the time they were very old, they didn't see each other a lot (they were separated by then), but they lived close by each other, and I lived close by both of them. I was kind of the go-between, and both Mom and Dad would each ask how the other was doing. All the drinking was a thing of the past by then. So was all the arguing and fighting.
So my prayer was answered. In my parents' later years, we had a lot of great times and I did a ton of stuff with each one. The truth is, we had a blast in those years. And along with my late friend Dave, we were kind of a clique for a while, going to movies, art galleries, parks, road trips out to Edwards.
It was really cool, because that's how everything ended up - with my parents as my best friends.
I don't even think of the strife-ridden years anymore. Those were an aberration.
The real thing was what I experienced when I was a kid, and later in my adult years.
Family harmony, fun and love.
Thanks, God.
No family is perfect, just like no person is perfect, and wouldn't it suck and be really boring if they were? I think so. I also think it's important to love your family members and especially your parents, no matter what.
I know all of this may sound like a tangent, but it just occurred to me to write it, because I was thinking it. :)
So enjoy the rest of your day, and again, best wishes and results on your music video. You will knock it out of the park, as always. I will be hanging around for the time being and will write more this evening, just to check in.
I Love You, Elizabeth! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:30pm : Listening to Wilhelm Kempff, a sublime pianist. I didn't do much this evening, just napped and read Giza Death Star. My friend Ono came over earlier for an Orange Grove walk at CSUN with his doggie. We are having this "monsoon" weather (as they call it on TV), which I guess means it's leftover from storms out over the Pacific. We don't get any storm, just the weird, slightly breezy, ultra humid air. It's a once-in-a-while August thing. Anyway, the sky was full of thunderhead clouds as we headed down to the grove, and all of a sudden the sun broke through just a little, and there appeared a double rainbow.
Cue the infamous Youtube guy, I know. :)
But I had never seen a double rainbow before, so it was pretty neat. Of course it was when I didn't have my cam with me.......
You probably have been working on your video this evening. I am thinking that, since Paul has connections, and was in an established band in the 90s, and since he can still play at a big festival, that this video can have a good chance to be seen by a lot of people. So again, this is great because your name is on it as the director, it is your work. So that is very cool, and could provide other opportunities.
Well, that's all to report for tonight. I don't have any plan for my days off, though I do need to take my car in for an oil change. Maybe do that tomorrow or Tuesday. Other than that, we will see, but I know one thing for sure : it's gonna be an awesome week!
I will see you in the morning, my Darling. Sweet Dreams.......
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Saturday Evening Love (last bit of explanation) (back to normal)
Hi, my Darling,
I am writing from Pearl's just to say hi because I am gonna meet Grimsley up at Aliso Park after I leave here in a few minutes. I saw all your messages earlier, and I understand what you are saying. I will write more when I get home, which is usually about 9pm after one of these Aliso walks. See you in just a little while.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
9pm : I am back from Aliso. Had a nice walk on a slightly different route this time, that came out on an old road that led past some horse ranches. A beautiful sunset this evening.
Well, my girl, the Sarah Longfield post notwithstanding (cause I have no idea what the reference is on that one, lol), I think I understand your posts of earlier today. With the first one, I am guessing you mean that I am somewhat like the Gluten Free people : "Sensitive", and maybe overly so, to something that "doesn't exist". If that's what you meant, in reference to the whole Johan phenomenon, then I'll say "fair enough".
I am sensitive to such things, no doubt about it. And I know I have whined and complained about it. But really, it's just been two guys that I have ever complained about in that way, and mostly just one, and in both cases it was because I was indeed sensitive. Please keep in mind, though, that I did not say, or even intimate, that there was any kind of relationship between you guys. All I was saying, in both cases of those two guys, was that I was picking up a vibe that each guy had a crush on you. I don't trust guys in those situations. A lot of guys are gentlemen, but some aren't. And, because we communicate in secret, I have no way of knowing if they know about me, and know that I am in the picture. I don't know if any of your friends know about me, except for maybe Tina, who must know something or she would not have made that "country music video" remark, nor posted the Monet picture. But with these guys, I don't know anything. Of course I trust you, and that goes without saying.
It's funny, and in a way I have to kind of laugh at myself, because I am older than everybody else involved, all your friends, the musicians you know, etc. And I have to laugh because I should be way past all that kind of worry, and especially any kind of competition. The whole thing is because I am so far away, and am not able to talk to you, and in this case, Johan knows you personally.
I have been single for so long that part of me says "I am un-hurtable". When you are single for as long as I have been, you have no vulnerability in that respect. You see everybody cheating on everybody else, and relationships not working out for one reason or another, and you watch on the sidelines and go, "can't happen to me, I'm single". And in that way, you get a lot of inner confidence, a strange word to use, maybe, but that's what it feels like. You feel un-hurtable.
But then, all of a sudden you find yourself in a relationship again, and the sensitivity comes right back. And so there's two of you now. There's the long term single guy, who thinks, "oh, have fun, do whatever you want, it doesn't bother me". And because I know what it's like to be in my early 20s, I want you to have a blast and enjoy everything you are doing, as much as you can, with all of your friends. Everything. I don't ever want you to feel you have to tone anything down on account of me, or that you have to humor me or anything. We have the one difference in our social personalities, I am more introverted perhaps, but you needn't change yourself in any way.
It's just that I know how some guys are. Maybe I got this guy all wrong, I don't know. It helps when I write it all out. Most of the reason I got so frustrated is because, like I wrote last night, everything that happened with Johan came as a surprise to me. And again, it's funny because I am older, and because I have been through some stuff, but if I was with you, all a guy would have to do is look at me, and they would get the message : "Don't try anything, buddy", lol.
So the "older guy" in me (whoever the hell he is, haha) doesn't feel in competition with anybody, because he can see the young guys coming, and he knows what they are thinking (or at least he thinks he does).
But the "forever young" guy in me (the real Inner Me), is now in a relationship again, for the first time in decades. He lives very far away, and he has his vulnerability back because being vulnerable is a part of love. Vulnerability is trust, being willing to trust. And I trust you. And I will also trust these guys, and this guy in particular. But guys in general, where beautiful girls are concerned? Nope. Don't trust 'em, because I know how they are. A lot of young ladies do not, unfortunately, and that is why a lot of them end up married to some jerk or Type A-hole aggroed out egomaniac. Or to Mr. Competition, or whomever.
At any rate, that's enough from me on the subject, and I will not mention it again except to say congratulations on whatever you are working on with Johan, in whatever capacity, and I hope it turns out well. Congrats also on your video with Paul's band. That's great news, too. You are making a lot of connections that in turn will lead to more notice of your work and more connections.
One last thing I will write briefly about, just to get it all out of my system, is on the subject of our communication. I was gonna write a whole, long drawn out blog about it, when I was still all frustrated about the Johan/Chicago surprise, but now that is out of my system (Aries people never stay mad about anything, lol), I only feel the need to mention it, just because it was a little concerning to me.
When the whole "communication stoppage" happened in late September 2012, I never truly understood why. I knew it could not be just because I had been IM-ing you a lot on FB, or because I had offered to pay for a rental car for that Amoesouers video you were gonna shoot at that time with the Barry sisters. In January 2013, when we started communicating in the way we do now, with symbolism, you indicated via a Star Wars meme, that it might have had something to do with your folks. In that case, I understood entirely, because of our age difference and because of some of the Myspace topics I'd written about, and also because I was just a guy on the Internet. I wrote that had I been either of your parents, and I discovered the same thing, that I'd have been concerned, too.
Well, anyway, to cut to the chase, here is what concerned me. It's not a huge deal, so no worries, but when the whole Johan thing first came to a head, after Memorial Day, I sent Lillian a friend request. No need to rehash all of that, because I canceled the friend request and I knew to begin with that she would not accept it anyway. I was just frustrated, because the first Johan surprise really was a big surprise.
But as I wondered when you posted the Lily pads and then Tina posted the Monet "Water Lillies" : how could you have known I sent Lillian a friend request? In the days after that, I checked and checked on FB, and there is no legitimate way that I know of, that a third party can see a friend request from one person to another. But you must have seen it or known about it, and when I asked you, you replied, via a picture, that it was by "magic". At the time, which was a couple weeks ago, I was willing to laugh it off and I still am, which is why I say no worries.
But there is only one legitimate way you could have known that, and that is if Lillian herself told you, and I am 99.999% sure that didn't happen.
That leaves only illegitimate ways that you could have known. I know that there are a lot of technical wizards and scientific geniuses in your circle up there, and I am sure many if not all of them could figure out or already know things on a computer that I'll never know, but I just wanna say that - by chance - if anybody hacked my Facebook, that it's really not cool.
Last night, I was gonna ask you to tell me if that's what happened. Now I will just say that - if - and I specify only if that was what happened, that it's gotta stop, no matter who was behind it. For one thing, it's something that a person could get into trouble for. For another, who knows how far it could go? I wouldn't want to have to worry about other online accounts getting hacked, and to repeat, a person could get into serious trouble for doing something like that.
So the bottom line is that, some way, some how, you knew about my friend request, and it had to be through some computer skill that I am not aware of. It doesn't matter who did it, cause it's not that big a deal. But it's absolutely gotta stop, and it can never happen again. If I've got it wrong, please tell me, because as you know, I know very little about the workings of computers. But this just didn't make any sense to me, which is why I have been worried a little bit about it. I didn't necessarily think it was you, but maybe someone around you who wanted to run some kind of check on me, and that's how you found out about my FB request to Lillian.
All I can say is, I am a good guy. What you see and what you read is the real me.
And that is the end of all subjects on the entire matter, at least from me. All is well as far as I am concerned. I am sorry about all the venting. I just hope, as always, that I was able to explain myself.
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I know you love me, too. I am a very, very fortunate guy.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
(I will check in again after my walk)
11:45pm : I actually got rained on during my walk a little while ago. It didn't amount to much, but we have had so little rain for such a long time that it was kind of nice.
Well, nice lady, now things can get back to normal. After tomorrow at 1pm, when I pick Pearl up from church, I am off for the next five days. That of course means sleep-ins, yippee! So it will be a good week, for sure, just based on that factor. When there is sleep, all else follows.
Sweet Dreams, I love you and I will see you in the morning.
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I am writing from Pearl's just to say hi because I am gonna meet Grimsley up at Aliso Park after I leave here in a few minutes. I saw all your messages earlier, and I understand what you are saying. I will write more when I get home, which is usually about 9pm after one of these Aliso walks. See you in just a little while.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
9pm : I am back from Aliso. Had a nice walk on a slightly different route this time, that came out on an old road that led past some horse ranches. A beautiful sunset this evening.
Well, my girl, the Sarah Longfield post notwithstanding (cause I have no idea what the reference is on that one, lol), I think I understand your posts of earlier today. With the first one, I am guessing you mean that I am somewhat like the Gluten Free people : "Sensitive", and maybe overly so, to something that "doesn't exist". If that's what you meant, in reference to the whole Johan phenomenon, then I'll say "fair enough".
I am sensitive to such things, no doubt about it. And I know I have whined and complained about it. But really, it's just been two guys that I have ever complained about in that way, and mostly just one, and in both cases it was because I was indeed sensitive. Please keep in mind, though, that I did not say, or even intimate, that there was any kind of relationship between you guys. All I was saying, in both cases of those two guys, was that I was picking up a vibe that each guy had a crush on you. I don't trust guys in those situations. A lot of guys are gentlemen, but some aren't. And, because we communicate in secret, I have no way of knowing if they know about me, and know that I am in the picture. I don't know if any of your friends know about me, except for maybe Tina, who must know something or she would not have made that "country music video" remark, nor posted the Monet picture. But with these guys, I don't know anything. Of course I trust you, and that goes without saying.
It's funny, and in a way I have to kind of laugh at myself, because I am older than everybody else involved, all your friends, the musicians you know, etc. And I have to laugh because I should be way past all that kind of worry, and especially any kind of competition. The whole thing is because I am so far away, and am not able to talk to you, and in this case, Johan knows you personally.
I have been single for so long that part of me says "I am un-hurtable". When you are single for as long as I have been, you have no vulnerability in that respect. You see everybody cheating on everybody else, and relationships not working out for one reason or another, and you watch on the sidelines and go, "can't happen to me, I'm single". And in that way, you get a lot of inner confidence, a strange word to use, maybe, but that's what it feels like. You feel un-hurtable.
But then, all of a sudden you find yourself in a relationship again, and the sensitivity comes right back. And so there's two of you now. There's the long term single guy, who thinks, "oh, have fun, do whatever you want, it doesn't bother me". And because I know what it's like to be in my early 20s, I want you to have a blast and enjoy everything you are doing, as much as you can, with all of your friends. Everything. I don't ever want you to feel you have to tone anything down on account of me, or that you have to humor me or anything. We have the one difference in our social personalities, I am more introverted perhaps, but you needn't change yourself in any way.
It's just that I know how some guys are. Maybe I got this guy all wrong, I don't know. It helps when I write it all out. Most of the reason I got so frustrated is because, like I wrote last night, everything that happened with Johan came as a surprise to me. And again, it's funny because I am older, and because I have been through some stuff, but if I was with you, all a guy would have to do is look at me, and they would get the message : "Don't try anything, buddy", lol.
So the "older guy" in me (whoever the hell he is, haha) doesn't feel in competition with anybody, because he can see the young guys coming, and he knows what they are thinking (or at least he thinks he does).
But the "forever young" guy in me (the real Inner Me), is now in a relationship again, for the first time in decades. He lives very far away, and he has his vulnerability back because being vulnerable is a part of love. Vulnerability is trust, being willing to trust. And I trust you. And I will also trust these guys, and this guy in particular. But guys in general, where beautiful girls are concerned? Nope. Don't trust 'em, because I know how they are. A lot of young ladies do not, unfortunately, and that is why a lot of them end up married to some jerk or Type A-hole aggroed out egomaniac. Or to Mr. Competition, or whomever.
At any rate, that's enough from me on the subject, and I will not mention it again except to say congratulations on whatever you are working on with Johan, in whatever capacity, and I hope it turns out well. Congrats also on your video with Paul's band. That's great news, too. You are making a lot of connections that in turn will lead to more notice of your work and more connections.
One last thing I will write briefly about, just to get it all out of my system, is on the subject of our communication. I was gonna write a whole, long drawn out blog about it, when I was still all frustrated about the Johan/Chicago surprise, but now that is out of my system (Aries people never stay mad about anything, lol), I only feel the need to mention it, just because it was a little concerning to me.
When the whole "communication stoppage" happened in late September 2012, I never truly understood why. I knew it could not be just because I had been IM-ing you a lot on FB, or because I had offered to pay for a rental car for that Amoesouers video you were gonna shoot at that time with the Barry sisters. In January 2013, when we started communicating in the way we do now, with symbolism, you indicated via a Star Wars meme, that it might have had something to do with your folks. In that case, I understood entirely, because of our age difference and because of some of the Myspace topics I'd written about, and also because I was just a guy on the Internet. I wrote that had I been either of your parents, and I discovered the same thing, that I'd have been concerned, too.
Well, anyway, to cut to the chase, here is what concerned me. It's not a huge deal, so no worries, but when the whole Johan thing first came to a head, after Memorial Day, I sent Lillian a friend request. No need to rehash all of that, because I canceled the friend request and I knew to begin with that she would not accept it anyway. I was just frustrated, because the first Johan surprise really was a big surprise.
But as I wondered when you posted the Lily pads and then Tina posted the Monet "Water Lillies" : how could you have known I sent Lillian a friend request? In the days after that, I checked and checked on FB, and there is no legitimate way that I know of, that a third party can see a friend request from one person to another. But you must have seen it or known about it, and when I asked you, you replied, via a picture, that it was by "magic". At the time, which was a couple weeks ago, I was willing to laugh it off and I still am, which is why I say no worries.
But there is only one legitimate way you could have known that, and that is if Lillian herself told you, and I am 99.999% sure that didn't happen.
That leaves only illegitimate ways that you could have known. I know that there are a lot of technical wizards and scientific geniuses in your circle up there, and I am sure many if not all of them could figure out or already know things on a computer that I'll never know, but I just wanna say that - by chance - if anybody hacked my Facebook, that it's really not cool.
Last night, I was gonna ask you to tell me if that's what happened. Now I will just say that - if - and I specify only if that was what happened, that it's gotta stop, no matter who was behind it. For one thing, it's something that a person could get into trouble for. For another, who knows how far it could go? I wouldn't want to have to worry about other online accounts getting hacked, and to repeat, a person could get into serious trouble for doing something like that.
So the bottom line is that, some way, some how, you knew about my friend request, and it had to be through some computer skill that I am not aware of. It doesn't matter who did it, cause it's not that big a deal. But it's absolutely gotta stop, and it can never happen again. If I've got it wrong, please tell me, because as you know, I know very little about the workings of computers. But this just didn't make any sense to me, which is why I have been worried a little bit about it. I didn't necessarily think it was you, but maybe someone around you who wanted to run some kind of check on me, and that's how you found out about my FB request to Lillian.
All I can say is, I am a good guy. What you see and what you read is the real me.
And that is the end of all subjects on the entire matter, at least from me. All is well as far as I am concerned. I am sorry about all the venting. I just hope, as always, that I was able to explain myself.
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I know you love me, too. I am a very, very fortunate guy.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
(I will check in again after my walk)
11:45pm : I actually got rained on during my walk a little while ago. It didn't amount to much, but we have had so little rain for such a long time that it was kind of nice.
Well, nice lady, now things can get back to normal. After tomorrow at 1pm, when I pick Pearl up from church, I am off for the next five days. That of course means sleep-ins, yippee! So it will be a good week, for sure, just based on that factor. When there is sleep, all else follows.
Sweet Dreams, I love you and I will see you in the morning.
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Friday, August 1, 2014
Just Some Explaining
Hi Elizabeth,
I know I said I'd wait until you were back from Chicago before I wrote anything, but in looking at the mastering guy's comment, he says he "just finished" the job, and that was yesterday. The main reason I wanted to hold off was because I didn't want you to have to read a bunch of stuff while you were working on your music. But as per his comment, it seems the music is finished? Maybe so.
Also, I was figuring you might post something today, indicating that you were back in Middleton, but since you haven't, I am guessing that maybe you are still in Chicago and perhaps are gonna be there for the weekend. Again, I don't know because you didn't post, but I know that sometimes when these things happen, several days go by before you post anything. This time, I didn't want to wait. It looks like you are all done with the music, at least for the moment, and I wanted to at least start writing tonight so that I can begin to say what I have to say. If I don't, then it just sloshes around inside me as a bunch of negative energy, and that is not good.
One thing I need at this point in my life is for things to be on an even keel.
Before I start writing, the most important thing for you to know is that I love you. Everything I write, every day, is from the heart. You are a wonderful girl and I love you so much.
Now I will begin. This might - and probably will - take several blogs. There is no way I will be able to finish tonight because it's a work night and I still have to do part of my walk. I also won't be able to write tomorrow until most likely after 6:30, because I have to take Pearl to a party in the morning, then I have Saturday shopping, and then back at Pearl's at 4:30. So, the writing is likely to be all jumbled up, skipping around ideas and topics and then picking up (hopefully) where I left off. I'm just gonna write what comes into my head, one thought at a time, so that I don't forget anything. Having said all of that, it's not gonna be some horrible, negative set of blogs, so don't worry. It might not even take as long as I am anticipating for me to write it all. However, I do have to bring up a couple of fairly important things, and I just ask that you take them at face value. It's not "me being mad" about anything. I'm not mad, just frustrated. But as always, I think things can be fine if we just communicate. So here goes, and thanks for reading.
Yesterday, I was having the most awesome day. I found a trail out in Simi Valley that, to my surprise, led to a set of Indian caves that were by far the most amazing I have seen yet. I went inside them and took lots of pictures. It was another Hundred Degree Hike, and the cave trek was preceeded by an ill-advised climb up a very steep mountain trail, so I was pretty exhausted by the time I was done, but I was still excited on the drive back to Pearl's because I had all these neat photos and I was gonna post 'em as usual when I got home at 6:30, and then tell you about it here at the blog. But then, sometime while I was at Pearl's, all the joy got sucked out of my day. I am just gonna tell you the truth, even though it makes me sound like a baby: when these things happen, I just feel like going home, lying down, and trying to go to sleep, even if it's only 7pm in the evening. I just feel very sad and frustrated. It knocks the stuffing out of me emotionally, and any joy I had in the day's experience is gone.
I wish I could turn it off when that happens, and just say "cheer up, Ad". But I can't because it doesn't work. The only thing that helps is when I talk about it, and of course that is one of the main problems I will explain ad nauseum yet again in this blog (or another one tomorrow).
Okay, so my exciting day got depressing, and why? Well, as I said yesterday, I'm sure you know the reason. Now, today I wanted to analyse just why this situation with Johan bothers me to this extent. I said to myself, "why this one, Ad"? I mean, you've had a few other projects you've worked on, with your friend Brian for example, or with Paul and the guys at his studio. So why does this one bother me so much? It's not the music, nor the recording process. You know I root for you in all your endeavors.
Part of why it bothers me, I have explained in previous blogs. Out of all the guys who have become your friends since "Autre Temps", there were two whom I got the feeling wanted to be more than that. This guy was one of them, as I've explained in other blogs. Maybe I've got it wrong, but I don't think so. It's just a feeling, but it's also based on visual evidence, as with all the FB action from him, towards you, and I've written about that before as well. I've had a strong feeling that he really likes you. My feelings are often right on the money, as I've had unfortunate experience in this kind of thing previously.
I am not saying you lead him on, because I don't think you do. I know you love me, and you post the most beautiful things for me to see and read. I'm not even saying that he exhibits his probable feelings, because maybe he's the "gentleman" type who keeps it to himself, and waits to see if things will evolve. The truth is that I have no idea because I don't know the guy. But I know that once he appeared on Facebook, I am guessing around Fall 2012/Spring 2013, there was no stopping the guy. He was all over the place.
And in analysing why the evolution of this thing has bothered me so much, as opposed to your other projects with Brian, Paul, et al, well, I think I've figured out the reason. For one thing, those other guys are married, so that part's obvious.
But mainly, it's because, in your projects with them, everything was clear to see. Everything was on Facebook. For me, the guy sitting here 2000 miles away, the guy who loves you and has thought it was mutual, that was very relaxing to the mind and to the nervous system, lol.
"Okay, I can see who these guys are. They're filmmakers, musicians, etc.........and it looks like they are married. And, I can see that the project they are working on is gonna be coming up on such-and-such a date". It was all there on FB. There were no surprises, nothing to guess at for the guy sitting 2000 miles away.
Not so with Johan. With Johan, everything has been hidden, or if that's too "deliberate" sounding, then let's just say "non-viewable". For the guy sitting 2000 miles away, that means everything is a surprise.
So here's the way I viewed the evolution of the whole Johan thing. First, I noticed his name and icon in one of your posts, way back in probably Fall 2012 or thereabouts. "Another European fan", I figured. Then he didn't pop up much. Then, maybe 8 months to a year ago, the FB onslaught began, and I've written about it several times before. During that time, you won't find hardly a post by you he didn't "like", and because my job affords me lots of downtime to be on FB, I also saw that he was often hitting "like" within a few seconds or a minute of your posting something.
Naturally, that led me to wonder "who is this guy"?
Wouldn't you wonder the same thing, if a female FB'er were doing it to my posts? Of course you would, it's only natural.
So I did what checking I could, but he's got one of those FBs where you can't see much if you aren't his friend. So, no luck other than I could see he was a musician. I just figured, "Oh, another European guy with a crush on Elizabeth. Another Aurelien. Get in line, dude".
That's all I thought, "just a fan with a crush".
But then, as I've said, on your birthday last year I saw his Happy Birthday comment, and your response was a joke about not having to worry about getting kicked out of bars anymore.
Me: "Hmmmm, I wonder what that means"?
Then around New Year's Day, you posted some photos of you and your girlfriends in a bar, celebrating New Year's Eve. You made a comment about "the best part is that I can't remember these pictures being taken". Johan hit the "like" button on that one.
Me, sitting 2000 miles away, thinking you're my girlfriend : "Hmmmm, there's that "bar" reference again. Johan likes bars". And of course, because by now I am wondering who this guy is, I am also wondering if he was the guy who took the picture. By now, I could tell he was not living in Europe, but was probably in America somewhere. I was guessing you'd either known him all your life (unlikely) or had maybe met him at a concert somewhere. But there were those "bar" references (you had just turned 21), and I wondered if you guys had all gone to a bar, maybe after a concert or something.
And now, I was really wondering, "who the hell is this guy"?
Do you see what I mean here, Elizabeth? With Brian, with Paul, I can see everything, it's all there on Facebook, nothing is hidden, either deliberately or just by happenstance. Even with Aurelien, I could see he lived in France. And, he was a pest (for me, anyway), but didn't seem too raucous.
Johan was first "not there" (just a single post in Fall 2012), then later he was "all over the place", and then suddenly you guys are joking and "liking" references to bars and getting hammered.
Then, early this year, during Winter, you posted a nice photo of the stars in the night sky. He commented something like "yes, the sky is most beautiful on a cold night" or something along those lines.
And by that time, I was really, really wondering: "Who the hell is this guy"? Because it was clear that he really, really liked you. And it was clear, in an obscure but definite way, that you knew him in real life, not just from FB.
So the months passed. I've written about this before. "Like", "like", "like" by Johan, on post after post after post. And I just figured I'd let it ride, not allow it to bother me. What could I do anyway? I'm 2000 miles away.
But - then came Memorial Day weekend, a couple months ago. It came out of the blue, as I wrote in my last troubled blog. Now do you see what I mean? Why this particular relationship bothers me, when the other collaborations don't?
It's because everything is hidden from me. Everything, from my vantage point, is just between you and Johan. All the sudden FB "likes". The "bars & drinking" references. His comment about looking at the stars.
And then "whammo"! All of a sudden, without any warning or talking about it on FB, there he is, driving 150 miles from Chicago to Madison, to record music with you. A total surprise to me, no forewarning whatsoever. Not like with your other projects. Also, this guy is not a married man, and he likes you.
Then, I even allowed that to blow over. And now comes yesterday, with the reverse happening. You drive 150 miles to go see him, and work on mastering his record. Elizabeth, why not mention it? Why is everything with this guy a big secret until the moment it happens?
A quick sidetrack question : what is your involvement with his project? I thought you just took some photos and recorded some vocals. Are you in a band with him?
Well, anyway, it's like I get sucker-punched with these things, and I get the wind knocked out of me. I am gonna end this first blog now, so I can go do my walk. But I just wonder, why the secrecy, or hidden aspect, of this whole partnership/friendship/whatever-it-is with Johan, as opposed to your projects with other friends? And, can you see why I feel the way I do about it, sitting here 2000 miles away? I can't talk to you or even message you on Facebook, and yet he's most likely got your phone number and can call you whenever he wants. Can you see why that doesn't work for me?
That's all I have time for in this blog, my girl. Please remember, I am not mad, and that's the truth. What I am, is very frustrated with this situation. I am gonna go for about a 20 minute walk and I might try to write a little more when I get back, before I go to bed.
If you want to post anything in the meantime, anything at all, I would be most glad. If not, that's okay too. One thing I can't tell anymore is if you've read a blog or not. That's because of the "0" hits phenomenon on the page view counter. I have no idea how it works, or if it does work. So the only way I'll know for sure if you've read this is if you post something. Sometimes it does register a page view, though.
Anyway, off I go. I will be back in a little bit.
I know I said I'd wait until you were back from Chicago before I wrote anything, but in looking at the mastering guy's comment, he says he "just finished" the job, and that was yesterday. The main reason I wanted to hold off was because I didn't want you to have to read a bunch of stuff while you were working on your music. But as per his comment, it seems the music is finished? Maybe so.
Also, I was figuring you might post something today, indicating that you were back in Middleton, but since you haven't, I am guessing that maybe you are still in Chicago and perhaps are gonna be there for the weekend. Again, I don't know because you didn't post, but I know that sometimes when these things happen, several days go by before you post anything. This time, I didn't want to wait. It looks like you are all done with the music, at least for the moment, and I wanted to at least start writing tonight so that I can begin to say what I have to say. If I don't, then it just sloshes around inside me as a bunch of negative energy, and that is not good.
One thing I need at this point in my life is for things to be on an even keel.
Before I start writing, the most important thing for you to know is that I love you. Everything I write, every day, is from the heart. You are a wonderful girl and I love you so much.
Now I will begin. This might - and probably will - take several blogs. There is no way I will be able to finish tonight because it's a work night and I still have to do part of my walk. I also won't be able to write tomorrow until most likely after 6:30, because I have to take Pearl to a party in the morning, then I have Saturday shopping, and then back at Pearl's at 4:30. So, the writing is likely to be all jumbled up, skipping around ideas and topics and then picking up (hopefully) where I left off. I'm just gonna write what comes into my head, one thought at a time, so that I don't forget anything. Having said all of that, it's not gonna be some horrible, negative set of blogs, so don't worry. It might not even take as long as I am anticipating for me to write it all. However, I do have to bring up a couple of fairly important things, and I just ask that you take them at face value. It's not "me being mad" about anything. I'm not mad, just frustrated. But as always, I think things can be fine if we just communicate. So here goes, and thanks for reading.
Yesterday, I was having the most awesome day. I found a trail out in Simi Valley that, to my surprise, led to a set of Indian caves that were by far the most amazing I have seen yet. I went inside them and took lots of pictures. It was another Hundred Degree Hike, and the cave trek was preceeded by an ill-advised climb up a very steep mountain trail, so I was pretty exhausted by the time I was done, but I was still excited on the drive back to Pearl's because I had all these neat photos and I was gonna post 'em as usual when I got home at 6:30, and then tell you about it here at the blog. But then, sometime while I was at Pearl's, all the joy got sucked out of my day. I am just gonna tell you the truth, even though it makes me sound like a baby: when these things happen, I just feel like going home, lying down, and trying to go to sleep, even if it's only 7pm in the evening. I just feel very sad and frustrated. It knocks the stuffing out of me emotionally, and any joy I had in the day's experience is gone.
I wish I could turn it off when that happens, and just say "cheer up, Ad". But I can't because it doesn't work. The only thing that helps is when I talk about it, and of course that is one of the main problems I will explain ad nauseum yet again in this blog (or another one tomorrow).
Okay, so my exciting day got depressing, and why? Well, as I said yesterday, I'm sure you know the reason. Now, today I wanted to analyse just why this situation with Johan bothers me to this extent. I said to myself, "why this one, Ad"? I mean, you've had a few other projects you've worked on, with your friend Brian for example, or with Paul and the guys at his studio. So why does this one bother me so much? It's not the music, nor the recording process. You know I root for you in all your endeavors.
Part of why it bothers me, I have explained in previous blogs. Out of all the guys who have become your friends since "Autre Temps", there were two whom I got the feeling wanted to be more than that. This guy was one of them, as I've explained in other blogs. Maybe I've got it wrong, but I don't think so. It's just a feeling, but it's also based on visual evidence, as with all the FB action from him, towards you, and I've written about that before as well. I've had a strong feeling that he really likes you. My feelings are often right on the money, as I've had unfortunate experience in this kind of thing previously.
I am not saying you lead him on, because I don't think you do. I know you love me, and you post the most beautiful things for me to see and read. I'm not even saying that he exhibits his probable feelings, because maybe he's the "gentleman" type who keeps it to himself, and waits to see if things will evolve. The truth is that I have no idea because I don't know the guy. But I know that once he appeared on Facebook, I am guessing around Fall 2012/Spring 2013, there was no stopping the guy. He was all over the place.
And in analysing why the evolution of this thing has bothered me so much, as opposed to your other projects with Brian, Paul, et al, well, I think I've figured out the reason. For one thing, those other guys are married, so that part's obvious.
But mainly, it's because, in your projects with them, everything was clear to see. Everything was on Facebook. For me, the guy sitting here 2000 miles away, the guy who loves you and has thought it was mutual, that was very relaxing to the mind and to the nervous system, lol.
"Okay, I can see who these guys are. They're filmmakers, musicians, etc.........and it looks like they are married. And, I can see that the project they are working on is gonna be coming up on such-and-such a date". It was all there on FB. There were no surprises, nothing to guess at for the guy sitting 2000 miles away.
Not so with Johan. With Johan, everything has been hidden, or if that's too "deliberate" sounding, then let's just say "non-viewable". For the guy sitting 2000 miles away, that means everything is a surprise.
So here's the way I viewed the evolution of the whole Johan thing. First, I noticed his name and icon in one of your posts, way back in probably Fall 2012 or thereabouts. "Another European fan", I figured. Then he didn't pop up much. Then, maybe 8 months to a year ago, the FB onslaught began, and I've written about it several times before. During that time, you won't find hardly a post by you he didn't "like", and because my job affords me lots of downtime to be on FB, I also saw that he was often hitting "like" within a few seconds or a minute of your posting something.
Naturally, that led me to wonder "who is this guy"?
Wouldn't you wonder the same thing, if a female FB'er were doing it to my posts? Of course you would, it's only natural.
So I did what checking I could, but he's got one of those FBs where you can't see much if you aren't his friend. So, no luck other than I could see he was a musician. I just figured, "Oh, another European guy with a crush on Elizabeth. Another Aurelien. Get in line, dude".
That's all I thought, "just a fan with a crush".
But then, as I've said, on your birthday last year I saw his Happy Birthday comment, and your response was a joke about not having to worry about getting kicked out of bars anymore.
Me: "Hmmmm, I wonder what that means"?
Then around New Year's Day, you posted some photos of you and your girlfriends in a bar, celebrating New Year's Eve. You made a comment about "the best part is that I can't remember these pictures being taken". Johan hit the "like" button on that one.
Me, sitting 2000 miles away, thinking you're my girlfriend : "Hmmmm, there's that "bar" reference again. Johan likes bars". And of course, because by now I am wondering who this guy is, I am also wondering if he was the guy who took the picture. By now, I could tell he was not living in Europe, but was probably in America somewhere. I was guessing you'd either known him all your life (unlikely) or had maybe met him at a concert somewhere. But there were those "bar" references (you had just turned 21), and I wondered if you guys had all gone to a bar, maybe after a concert or something.
And now, I was really wondering, "who the hell is this guy"?
Do you see what I mean here, Elizabeth? With Brian, with Paul, I can see everything, it's all there on Facebook, nothing is hidden, either deliberately or just by happenstance. Even with Aurelien, I could see he lived in France. And, he was a pest (for me, anyway), but didn't seem too raucous.
Johan was first "not there" (just a single post in Fall 2012), then later he was "all over the place", and then suddenly you guys are joking and "liking" references to bars and getting hammered.
Then, early this year, during Winter, you posted a nice photo of the stars in the night sky. He commented something like "yes, the sky is most beautiful on a cold night" or something along those lines.
And by that time, I was really, really wondering: "Who the hell is this guy"? Because it was clear that he really, really liked you. And it was clear, in an obscure but definite way, that you knew him in real life, not just from FB.
So the months passed. I've written about this before. "Like", "like", "like" by Johan, on post after post after post. And I just figured I'd let it ride, not allow it to bother me. What could I do anyway? I'm 2000 miles away.
But - then came Memorial Day weekend, a couple months ago. It came out of the blue, as I wrote in my last troubled blog. Now do you see what I mean? Why this particular relationship bothers me, when the other collaborations don't?
It's because everything is hidden from me. Everything, from my vantage point, is just between you and Johan. All the sudden FB "likes". The "bars & drinking" references. His comment about looking at the stars.
And then "whammo"! All of a sudden, without any warning or talking about it on FB, there he is, driving 150 miles from Chicago to Madison, to record music with you. A total surprise to me, no forewarning whatsoever. Not like with your other projects. Also, this guy is not a married man, and he likes you.
Then, I even allowed that to blow over. And now comes yesterday, with the reverse happening. You drive 150 miles to go see him, and work on mastering his record. Elizabeth, why not mention it? Why is everything with this guy a big secret until the moment it happens?
A quick sidetrack question : what is your involvement with his project? I thought you just took some photos and recorded some vocals. Are you in a band with him?
Well, anyway, it's like I get sucker-punched with these things, and I get the wind knocked out of me. I am gonna end this first blog now, so I can go do my walk. But I just wonder, why the secrecy, or hidden aspect, of this whole partnership/friendship/whatever-it-is with Johan, as opposed to your projects with other friends? And, can you see why I feel the way I do about it, sitting here 2000 miles away? I can't talk to you or even message you on Facebook, and yet he's most likely got your phone number and can call you whenever he wants. Can you see why that doesn't work for me?
That's all I have time for in this blog, my girl. Please remember, I am not mad, and that's the truth. What I am, is very frustrated with this situation. I am gonna go for about a 20 minute walk and I might try to write a little more when I get back, before I go to bed.
If you want to post anything in the meantime, anything at all, I would be most glad. If not, that's okay too. One thing I can't tell anymore is if you've read a blog or not. That's because of the "0" hits phenomenon on the page view counter. I have no idea how it works, or if it does work. So the only way I'll know for sure if you've read this is if you post something. Sometimes it does register a page view, though.
Anyway, off I go. I will be back in a little bit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)