Hi, my Darling,
I am writing from Pearl's just to say hi because I am gonna meet Grimsley up at Aliso Park after I leave here in a few minutes. I saw all your messages earlier, and I understand what you are saying. I will write more when I get home, which is usually about 9pm after one of these Aliso walks. See you in just a little while.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
9pm : I am back from Aliso. Had a nice walk on a slightly different route this time, that came out on an old road that led past some horse ranches. A beautiful sunset this evening.
Well, my girl, the Sarah Longfield post notwithstanding (cause I have no idea what the reference is on that one, lol), I think I understand your posts of earlier today. With the first one, I am guessing you mean that I am somewhat like the Gluten Free people : "Sensitive", and maybe overly so, to something that "doesn't exist". If that's what you meant, in reference to the whole Johan phenomenon, then I'll say "fair enough".
I am sensitive to such things, no doubt about it. And I know I have whined and complained about it. But really, it's just been two guys that I have ever complained about in that way, and mostly just one, and in both cases it was because I was indeed sensitive. Please keep in mind, though, that I did not say, or even intimate, that there was any kind of relationship between you guys. All I was saying, in both cases of those two guys, was that I was picking up a vibe that each guy had a crush on you. I don't trust guys in those situations. A lot of guys are gentlemen, but some aren't. And, because we communicate in secret, I have no way of knowing if they know about me, and know that I am in the picture. I don't know if any of your friends know about me, except for maybe Tina, who must know something or she would not have made that "country music video" remark, nor posted the Monet picture. But with these guys, I don't know anything. Of course I trust you, and that goes without saying.
It's funny, and in a way I have to kind of laugh at myself, because I am older than everybody else involved, all your friends, the musicians you know, etc. And I have to laugh because I should be way past all that kind of worry, and especially any kind of competition. The whole thing is because I am so far away, and am not able to talk to you, and in this case, Johan knows you personally.
I have been single for so long that part of me says "I am un-hurtable". When you are single for as long as I have been, you have no vulnerability in that respect. You see everybody cheating on everybody else, and relationships not working out for one reason or another, and you watch on the sidelines and go, "can't happen to me, I'm single". And in that way, you get a lot of inner confidence, a strange word to use, maybe, but that's what it feels like. You feel un-hurtable.
But then, all of a sudden you find yourself in a relationship again, and the sensitivity comes right back. And so there's two of you now. There's the long term single guy, who thinks, "oh, have fun, do whatever you want, it doesn't bother me". And because I know what it's like to be in my early 20s, I want you to have a blast and enjoy everything you are doing, as much as you can, with all of your friends. Everything. I don't ever want you to feel you have to tone anything down on account of me, or that you have to humor me or anything. We have the one difference in our social personalities, I am more introverted perhaps, but you needn't change yourself in any way.
It's just that I know how some guys are. Maybe I got this guy all wrong, I don't know. It helps when I write it all out. Most of the reason I got so frustrated is because, like I wrote last night, everything that happened with Johan came as a surprise to me. And again, it's funny because I am older, and because I have been through some stuff, but if I was with you, all a guy would have to do is look at me, and they would get the message : "Don't try anything, buddy", lol.
So the "older guy" in me (whoever the hell he is, haha) doesn't feel in competition with anybody, because he can see the young guys coming, and he knows what they are thinking (or at least he thinks he does).
But the "forever young" guy in me (the real Inner Me), is now in a relationship again, for the first time in decades. He lives very far away, and he has his vulnerability back because being vulnerable is a part of love. Vulnerability is trust, being willing to trust. And I trust you. And I will also trust these guys, and this guy in particular. But guys in general, where beautiful girls are concerned? Nope. Don't trust 'em, because I know how they are. A lot of young ladies do not, unfortunately, and that is why a lot of them end up married to some jerk or Type A-hole aggroed out egomaniac. Or to Mr. Competition, or whomever.
At any rate, that's enough from me on the subject, and I will not mention it again except to say congratulations on whatever you are working on with Johan, in whatever capacity, and I hope it turns out well. Congrats also on your video with Paul's band. That's great news, too. You are making a lot of connections that in turn will lead to more notice of your work and more connections.
One last thing I will write briefly about, just to get it all out of my system, is on the subject of our communication. I was gonna write a whole, long drawn out blog about it, when I was still all frustrated about the Johan/Chicago surprise, but now that is out of my system (Aries people never stay mad about anything, lol), I only feel the need to mention it, just because it was a little concerning to me.
When the whole "communication stoppage" happened in late September 2012, I never truly understood why. I knew it could not be just because I had been IM-ing you a lot on FB, or because I had offered to pay for a rental car for that Amoesouers video you were gonna shoot at that time with the Barry sisters. In January 2013, when we started communicating in the way we do now, with symbolism, you indicated via a Star Wars meme, that it might have had something to do with your folks. In that case, I understood entirely, because of our age difference and because of some of the Myspace topics I'd written about, and also because I was just a guy on the Internet. I wrote that had I been either of your parents, and I discovered the same thing, that I'd have been concerned, too.
Well, anyway, to cut to the chase, here is what concerned me. It's not a huge deal, so no worries, but when the whole Johan thing first came to a head, after Memorial Day, I sent Lillian a friend request. No need to rehash all of that, because I canceled the friend request and I knew to begin with that she would not accept it anyway. I was just frustrated, because the first Johan surprise really was a big surprise.
But as I wondered when you posted the Lily pads and then Tina posted the Monet "Water Lillies" : how could you have known I sent Lillian a friend request? In the days after that, I checked and checked on FB, and there is no legitimate way that I know of, that a third party can see a friend request from one person to another. But you must have seen it or known about it, and when I asked you, you replied, via a picture, that it was by "magic". At the time, which was a couple weeks ago, I was willing to laugh it off and I still am, which is why I say no worries.
But there is only one legitimate way you could have known that, and that is if Lillian herself told you, and I am 99.999% sure that didn't happen.
That leaves only illegitimate ways that you could have known. I know that there are a lot of technical wizards and scientific geniuses in your circle up there, and I am sure many if not all of them could figure out or already know things on a computer that I'll never know, but I just wanna say that - by chance - if anybody hacked my Facebook, that it's really not cool.
Last night, I was gonna ask you to tell me if that's what happened. Now I will just say that - if - and I specify only if that was what happened, that it's gotta stop, no matter who was behind it. For one thing, it's something that a person could get into trouble for. For another, who knows how far it could go? I wouldn't want to have to worry about other online accounts getting hacked, and to repeat, a person could get into serious trouble for doing something like that.
So the bottom line is that, some way, some how, you knew about my friend request, and it had to be through some computer skill that I am not aware of. It doesn't matter who did it, cause it's not that big a deal. But it's absolutely gotta stop, and it can never happen again. If I've got it wrong, please tell me, because as you know, I know very little about the workings of computers. But this just didn't make any sense to me, which is why I have been worried a little bit about it. I didn't necessarily think it was you, but maybe someone around you who wanted to run some kind of check on me, and that's how you found out about my FB request to Lillian.
All I can say is, I am a good guy. What you see and what you read is the real me.
And that is the end of all subjects on the entire matter, at least from me. All is well as far as I am concerned. I am sorry about all the venting. I just hope, as always, that I was able to explain myself.
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I know you love me, too. I am a very, very fortunate guy.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
(I will check in again after my walk)
11:45pm : I actually got rained on during my walk a little while ago. It didn't amount to much, but we have had so little rain for such a long time that it was kind of nice.
Well, nice lady, now things can get back to normal. After tomorrow at 1pm, when I pick Pearl up from church, I am off for the next five days. That of course means sleep-ins, yippee! So it will be a good week, for sure, just based on that factor. When there is sleep, all else follows.
Sweet Dreams, I love you and I will see you in the morning.
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
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