Just Some Explaining

Hi Elizabeth,

I know I said I'd wait until you were back from Chicago before I wrote anything, but in looking at the mastering guy's comment, he says he "just finished" the job, and that was yesterday. The main reason I wanted to hold off was because I didn't want you to have to read a bunch of stuff while you were working on your music. But as per his comment, it seems the music is finished? Maybe so.

Also, I was figuring you might post something today, indicating that you were back in Middleton, but since you haven't, I am guessing that maybe you are still in Chicago and perhaps are gonna be there for the weekend. Again, I don't know because you didn't post, but I know that sometimes when these things happen, several days go by before you post anything. This time, I didn't want to wait. It looks like you are all done with the music, at least for the moment, and I wanted to at least start writing tonight so that I can begin to say what I have to say. If I don't, then it just sloshes around inside me as a bunch of negative energy, and that is not good.

One thing I need at this point in my life is for things to be on an even keel.

Before I start writing, the most important thing for you to know is that I love you. Everything I write, every day, is from the heart. You are a wonderful girl and I love you so much.

Now I will begin. This might - and probably will - take several blogs. There is no way I will be able to finish tonight because it's a work night and I still have to do part of my walk. I also won't be able to write tomorrow until most likely after 6:30, because I have to take Pearl to a party in the morning, then I have Saturday shopping, and then back at Pearl's at 4:30. So, the writing is likely to be all jumbled up, skipping around ideas and topics and then picking up (hopefully) where I left off. I'm just gonna write what comes into my head, one thought at a time, so that I don't forget anything. Having said all of that, it's not gonna be some horrible, negative set of blogs, so don't worry. It might not even take as long as I am anticipating for me to write it all. However, I do have to bring up a couple of fairly important things, and I just ask that you take them at face value. It's not "me being mad" about anything. I'm not mad, just frustrated. But as always, I think things can be fine if we just communicate. So here goes, and thanks for reading.

Yesterday, I was having the most awesome day. I found a trail out in Simi Valley that, to my surprise, led to a set of Indian caves that were by far the most amazing I have seen yet. I went inside them and took lots of pictures. It was another Hundred Degree Hike, and the cave trek was preceeded by an ill-advised climb up a very steep mountain trail, so I was pretty exhausted by the time I was done, but I was still excited on the drive back to Pearl's because I had all these neat photos and I was gonna post 'em as usual when I got home at 6:30, and then tell you about it here at the blog. But then, sometime while I was at Pearl's, all the joy got sucked out of my day. I am just gonna tell you the truth, even though it makes me sound like a baby: when these things happen, I just feel like going home, lying down, and trying to go to sleep, even if it's only 7pm in the evening. I just feel very sad and frustrated. It knocks the stuffing out of me emotionally, and any joy I had in the day's experience is gone.

I wish I could turn it off when that happens, and just say "cheer up, Ad". But I can't because it doesn't work. The only thing that helps is when I talk about it, and of course that is one of the main problems I will explain ad nauseum yet again in this blog (or another one tomorrow).

Okay, so my exciting day got depressing, and why? Well, as I said yesterday, I'm sure you know the reason. Now, today I wanted to analyse just why this situation with Johan bothers me to this extent. I said to myself, "why this one, Ad"? I mean, you've had a few other projects you've worked on, with your friend Brian for example, or with Paul and the guys at his studio. So why does this one bother me so much? It's not the music, nor the recording process. You know I root for you in all your endeavors.

Part of why it bothers me, I have explained in previous blogs. Out of all the guys who have become your friends since "Autre Temps", there were two whom I got the feeling wanted to be more than that. This guy was one of them, as I've explained in other blogs. Maybe I've got it wrong, but I don't think so. It's just a feeling, but it's also based on visual evidence, as with all the FB action from him, towards you, and I've written about that before as well. I've had a strong feeling that he really likes you. My feelings are often right on the money, as I've had unfortunate experience in this kind of thing previously.

I am not saying you lead him on, because I don't think you do. I know you love me, and you post the most beautiful things for me to see and read. I'm not even saying that he exhibits his probable feelings, because maybe he's the "gentleman" type who keeps it to himself, and waits to see if things will evolve. The truth is that I have no idea because I don't know the guy. But I know that once he appeared on Facebook, I am guessing around Fall 2012/Spring 2013, there was no stopping the guy. He was all over the place.

And in analysing why the evolution of this thing has bothered me so much, as opposed to your other projects with Brian, Paul, et al, well, I think I've figured out the reason. For one thing, those other guys are married, so that part's obvious.

But mainly, it's because, in your projects with them, everything was clear to see. Everything was on Facebook. For me, the guy sitting here 2000 miles away, the guy who loves you and has thought it was mutual, that was very relaxing to the mind and to the nervous system, lol.

"Okay, I can see who these guys are. They're filmmakers, musicians, etc.........and it looks like they are married. And, I can see that the project they are working on is gonna be coming up on such-and-such a date". It was all there on FB. There were no surprises, nothing to guess at for the guy sitting 2000 miles away.

Not so with Johan. With Johan, everything has been hidden, or if that's too "deliberate" sounding, then let's just say "non-viewable". For the guy sitting 2000 miles away, that means everything is a surprise.

So here's the way I viewed the evolution of the whole Johan thing. First, I noticed his name and icon in one of your posts, way back in probably Fall 2012 or thereabouts. "Another European fan", I figured. Then he didn't pop up much. Then, maybe 8 months to a year ago, the FB onslaught began, and I've written about it several times before. During that time, you won't find hardly a post by you he didn't "like", and because my job affords me lots of downtime to be on FB, I also saw that he was often hitting "like" within a few seconds or a minute of your posting something.

Naturally, that led me to wonder "who is this guy"?

Wouldn't you wonder the same thing, if a female FB'er were doing it to my posts? Of course you would, it's only natural.

So I did what checking I could, but he's got one of those FBs where you can't see much if you aren't his friend. So, no luck other than I could see he was a musician. I just figured, "Oh, another European guy with a crush on Elizabeth. Another Aurelien. Get in line, dude".

That's all I thought, "just a fan with a crush".

But then, as I've said, on your birthday last year I saw his Happy Birthday comment, and your response was a joke about not having to worry about getting kicked out of bars anymore.

Me: "Hmmmm, I wonder what that means"?

Then around New Year's Day, you posted some photos of you and your girlfriends in a bar, celebrating New Year's Eve. You made a comment about "the best part is that I can't remember these pictures being taken". Johan hit the "like" button on that one.

Me, sitting 2000 miles away, thinking you're my girlfriend : "Hmmmm, there's that "bar" reference again. Johan likes bars". And of course, because by now I am wondering who this guy is, I am also wondering if he was the guy who took the picture. By now, I could tell he was not living in Europe, but was probably in America somewhere. I was guessing you'd either known him all your life (unlikely) or had maybe met him at a concert somewhere. But there were those "bar" references (you had just turned 21), and I wondered if you guys had all gone to a bar, maybe after a concert or something.

And now, I was really wondering, "who the hell is this guy"?

Do you see what I mean here, Elizabeth? With Brian, with Paul, I can see everything, it's all there on Facebook, nothing is hidden, either deliberately or just by happenstance. Even with Aurelien, I could see he lived in France. And, he was a pest (for me, anyway), but didn't seem too raucous.

Johan was first "not there" (just a single post in Fall 2012), then later he was "all over the place", and then suddenly you guys are joking and "liking" references to bars and getting hammered.

Then, early this year, during Winter, you posted a nice photo of the stars in the night sky. He commented something like "yes, the sky is most beautiful on a cold night" or something along those lines.

And by that time, I was really, really wondering: "Who the hell is this guy"? Because it was clear that he really, really liked you. And it was clear, in an obscure but definite way, that you knew him in real life, not just from FB.

So the months passed. I've written about this before. "Like", "like", "like" by Johan, on post after post after post. And I just figured I'd let it ride, not allow it to bother me. What could I do anyway? I'm 2000 miles away.

But - then came Memorial Day weekend, a couple months ago. It came out of the blue, as I wrote in my last troubled blog. Now do you see what I mean? Why this particular relationship bothers me, when the other collaborations don't?

It's because everything is hidden from me. Everything, from my vantage point, is just between you and Johan. All the sudden FB "likes". The "bars & drinking" references. His comment about looking at the stars.

And then "whammo"! All of a sudden, without any warning or talking about it on FB, there he is, driving 150 miles from Chicago to Madison, to record music with you. A total surprise to me, no forewarning whatsoever. Not like with your other projects. Also, this guy is not a married man, and he likes you.

Then, I even allowed that to blow over. And now comes yesterday, with the reverse happening. You drive 150 miles to go see him, and work on mastering his record. Elizabeth, why not mention it? Why is everything with this guy a big secret until the moment it happens?

A quick sidetrack question : what is your involvement with his project? I thought you just took some photos and recorded some vocals. Are you in a band with him?

Well, anyway, it's like I get sucker-punched with these things, and I get the wind knocked out of me. I am gonna end this first blog now, so I can go do my walk. But I just wonder, why the secrecy, or hidden aspect, of this whole partnership/friendship/whatever-it-is with Johan, as opposed to your projects with other friends? And, can you see why I feel the way I do about it, sitting here 2000 miles away? I can't talk to you or even message you on Facebook, and yet he's most likely got your phone number and can call you whenever he wants. Can you see why that doesn't work for me?

That's all I have time for in this blog, my girl. Please remember, I am not mad, and that's the truth. What I am, is very frustrated with this situation. I am gonna go for about a 20 minute walk and I might try to write a little more when I get back, before I go to bed.

If you want to post anything in the meantime, anything at all, I would be most glad. If not, that's okay too. One thing I can't tell anymore is if you've read a blog or not. That's because of the "0" hits phenomenon on the page view counter. I have no idea how it works, or if it does work. So the only way I'll know for sure if you've read this is if you post something. Sometimes it does register a page view, though.

Anyway, off I go. I will be back in a little bit.