I've tried to write something for the past couple of nights, but I wasn't able to finish because I just end up repeating myself. Tonight though, I'm just gonna go for it because I can't let the blog die. It's my only means of communication with you right now, and I obviously don't want to lose it. So, whether I repeat myself or not doesn't matter.
Elizabeth, I have to tell you that I've been distraught over this. Sometimes the pain has been so intense that I'm glad I've had my job to focus on. But I wonder if you've been feeling the same pain too. Do you believe two people can feel the same thing? I do, if the two people love each other. I've been going over what happened - thinking about it again and again (it's all I can think about) - and when I get away from second guessing myself and get it clear in my head, I think you've been trying to tell me something, at the very least since early this year, and I haven't been getting the message. Well, now I get it. Please re-read the other recent blogs to see what I've already said in this regard.
I wish we'd been talking all this time - for the past eight years - by direct message, or even by phone. But we haven't been, and so it hasn't always be easy for me to understand what you've been feeling. Because I have this blog, I can be more direct, and I have been over the years. But I know that it might be different for you. Not everyone expresses themselves in the same way. I'm actually super-shy, and had to gather up the nerve to tell you I loved you, that first time in 2012. I mean, I had butterflies big time. But finally I had to say something and it all came out, as you know. And I felt great relief at having told you, even though it made you mad at first.
Then 2013 happened, and all was well. Then John came along, and I've already written about all of that. I mean, God Bless the guy, I don't know him, nor do I know what your relationship was with him. But by 2015 or so, his presence threw me off track.
I'll admit it too, doggonnit.........I was jealous. And there was that French guy, too. I can't remember his name, but he had really long hair. I thought, "I can't compete with these guys. They're handsome, they're Elizabeth's age", and in John's case he lived somewhat close, in Chicago. Now I'm repeating myself, I know, but it really was the reason I stopped writing to you the way I had been.
Because of the demise of the Facebook ticker and the presence of John, I had no idea how you felt about me as the years went by. I hoped you at least knew - just from an artistic standpoint - that I was your #1 fan. I still am, of course, and I've always tried to encourage you and be helpful in any way I can, just by way of my comments. As I say, I wish we'd been talking directly all this time, it would have been easier and we could have said so much more, but you told me you didn't want that, so I thought "we'll, I'll just stay on the sidelines and keep doing what I've been doing". Because you had stopped commenting on my posts or even pressing "like", I just figured, again, that it was because of John, or maybe because of our age difference (although that didn't stop you in the beginning, when we met).
To make a long story short, at least of this aspect, when you moved back home from Chicago, I figured John was out of the picture. But I didn't feel it was my place to re-state my feelings for you because a lot had happened during that time. You'd become a professional filmmaker, etc. And you'd stopped interacting with me on Facebook, so I thought, "well, I hope she doesn't mind if I still press "like" and comment here at my blog". So by then, instead of writing to you as "My Darling", I was just saying "Hey Elizabeth"! I was trying to keep things light, because I had no idea how you felt about me, or what you felt, if anything. I didn't think you felt I was a pest, or I'd have gone away. And you posted a lot of beautiful nature photos, and hiking photos, and I knew you were aware that I liked both subjects, so I figured maybe I was included in those posts, as part of your intended audience.
And you knew I loved "Notepainting". So I thought I could still stick around and be your #1 fan and cheerleader at the very least. (remember when I was your drill sergeant, way back when? Or when I used to say "I will re-enforce you"? Those were fun times :):) )
Then this year, you started to write songs with words, where you were really expressing your feelings, baring your soul, and believe me, Elizabeth, the intended emotion comes through in your lyrics and voice, and in the melodies. Most songwriters, when they write such songs, are writing about someone in particular, even if they express it vaguely or in metaphor. If the songs and photo captions were meant for me, I would not have guessed. In 2013 I would have, but a lot had happened in your life since then, as I've mentioned.
But there's one other thing I wanted to bring up, because again, I know how hard it can be to say certain things, to open yourself up and be vulnerable. Do you remember when we went through a situation, maybe in 2013 or 2014, where I thought you were mad at me? I can't recall the exact year or month, but it was early on. If you remember that situation, you'll recall that it had to do with a third party. I'm not gonna mention that person now, but you'll know who I'm talking about. If you remember, I even asked if you were hacking me, because it felt like you could almost see right into my computer. That's ludicrous, I know. More likely you were psychic, or had just read my blogs on Myspace, where I had written about the person in my book.
I am pretty psychic, too, Elizabeth (another way in which we are alike), and I want you to know, on the off chance that this is part of the problem, that the person in question is not part of my life and hasn't been for thirty years, since before you were born.
The thing is, I want to be with you. You're the one I want, and I hope you want me in your life too. We could talk about it if you wanted to, or I could just be part of your life from online. Whatever you want. All I would say is that if you are feeling what I'm feeling, please know that it's real. This is real life; people fall in love. The pain of the past two weeks is as real as the love that's behind it. If it were up to me, I wish you were my soulmate.
But the least I would ask is that you don't cut me out of your life. I've been with you for eight years and even if it's "only on Facebook", that still counts for a lot in today's world, and besides, there is the psychic and emotional connection which we've already shared. In other words, we know that two people can fall in love without actually talking.
Please think about it, Elizabeth. I can't imagine my life without you.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Monday, July 27, 2020
Dear Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
I wanted to write tonight, just to communicate my thoughts. I figure it can't hurt, for the usual reason that if you're reading it's because you want to. I hope you had a good weekend.
There's another song on Instagram that I went back and listened to again. It might not be completed, you didn't title it or refer to it as a finished song, but it's the one you captioned "Late Night Ballad Writing Inspired By The Northwoods". If I'm not mistaken, you posted it on Facebook also, and I know I would've commented on it here, at the time. The Instagram date is February 2nd.
It's got a beautiful, haunting melody line. If you've completed it, then along with "The Ocean" and the new song you were working on ten days ago (that I'll call "Canopy" for the lyric I remember), you'll have three excellent songs for a new album. You can really write, Elizabeth. And you bring the imagery alive with your singing.
As you know, because of what happened last week, I've been studying your lyrics. I hope you don't mind. In "Northwoods", after describing the surrounding maples and pines, you sing "how time flies", and then you sing "if I could go back, I'd take all the time in the world", and "if I could go back I promise you I'd be your girl". Finally, you sing "but you're nowhere to be found, in our small town".
So let's say I was interviewing you, for Rolling Stone or some other music magazine. I'd ask about the specifics of those lyrics, like rock writers do. I'd ask "who does the song refer to"?
If I asked you that question myself, as Adam, it might come off as nosy, or - worse - grandiose, as if I'd engaged in wishful thinking. Carly Simon had a song called "You're So Vain", in which she sang the line "you probably think this song is about you" to the protagonist, which was supposedly Warren Beatty. So I'm asking the question as a fictional rock critic, interviewing you for Rolling Stone. In real life, as myself, I'm just trying understand what happened.
The Beatles wrote their share of love songs, but sometimes instead of writing to a girl, they wrote to her boyfriend, almost like advice columnists. If the guy was blowing it, if he was about to lose his girl, John and Paul tried to fix things. That's what they did in "She Loves You". If I were gonna try something similar, I'd write to the guy in your song. Since this is my blog, I can get away with it, because if you aren't reading, no one is gonna see this but me, and if you are reading, then you're reading, and that can only be a good thing. But if I were writing a Beatles "advice song" to the guy in your song, I'd tell him in so many words (and as poetically as possible), "Hey man, don't blow it! You're the luckiest guy in the world! Go back and talk to Elizabeth. She loves you"! I am not being the least bit facetious, either. That would be my advice to him.
Looking at Instagram once again (and still playing the role of nosy rock critic), I see that the Northwoods Ballad was posted around the same general time frame as the two Red Dress pictures (Rocky Mountains and Iceland) that have the captions of beautiful, romantic poetry. So as your Rolling Stone interviewer, I'd ask you if everything in total, the song lyrics and the poetic captions, refer to the same situation.
"Are they all about the same person"? And then finally, I'd ask if "The Ocean" was about the same person as well. As the songwriter, you would expect such questions to come with the territory, especially from Rolling Stone magazine.
I hope you don't mind if I ask the same questions as myself, as Adam, and again I'm not trying to be cute or coy with the above paragraphs. Just trying to lighten the mood a little cause I've been pretty depressed (the understatement of the year). If this was 2013 or 2014, I'd come right out and ask you if any of the lyrics or captions were about me, because back then I was pretty sure you loved me. Was I wrong in those days? If I was, I apologize, but it sure didn't feel like I was wrong.
There can be misunderstanding involved in communicating the way we have, via blog and Facebook. The two people communicating that way have to be really in tune with one another, and I always thought we were, especially when the Facebook ticker existed. That made it easy. Of course, I wish we'd been able to keep talking via FB messenger. I know I blew it on that score, but still, something made you start to communicate with me again in 2013. Maybe you saw I wasn't such a bad guy after all.
I just wish I'd payed closer attention recently because I guess you were trying to tell me something. If the lyrics and poetry are about someone else, then I'm truly a delusional idiot. If they are about someone else, then I'm sorry for any mistaken assumptions I made. But if they are about me - something I would have been sure of in 2013 - then I am sorry for not understanding you in the first place, and if you went through emotional pain because of me, then I am sorry beyond words. I am experiencing the same pain now, and believe me Elizabeth, I know what it feels like. It doesn't go away. Had I known, I would never have spent all that time writing about movies and trivial stuff.
You were a miracle for me when I met you, and you'd have to be me to fully understand it, but I could explain it to you if we ever talked in person, or even on messenger. Have you ever hoped to meet just the right person in your life, the exact right person for you?
That's what happened to me in 2012, when I met you.
What could happen if we actually talked?
I hope we can reconnect at the very least.
What we've had should never be thrown away.
I love you.
xoxoxo :):)
I wanted to write tonight, just to communicate my thoughts. I figure it can't hurt, for the usual reason that if you're reading it's because you want to. I hope you had a good weekend.
There's another song on Instagram that I went back and listened to again. It might not be completed, you didn't title it or refer to it as a finished song, but it's the one you captioned "Late Night Ballad Writing Inspired By The Northwoods". If I'm not mistaken, you posted it on Facebook also, and I know I would've commented on it here, at the time. The Instagram date is February 2nd.
It's got a beautiful, haunting melody line. If you've completed it, then along with "The Ocean" and the new song you were working on ten days ago (that I'll call "Canopy" for the lyric I remember), you'll have three excellent songs for a new album. You can really write, Elizabeth. And you bring the imagery alive with your singing.
As you know, because of what happened last week, I've been studying your lyrics. I hope you don't mind. In "Northwoods", after describing the surrounding maples and pines, you sing "how time flies", and then you sing "if I could go back, I'd take all the time in the world", and "if I could go back I promise you I'd be your girl". Finally, you sing "but you're nowhere to be found, in our small town".
So let's say I was interviewing you, for Rolling Stone or some other music magazine. I'd ask about the specifics of those lyrics, like rock writers do. I'd ask "who does the song refer to"?
If I asked you that question myself, as Adam, it might come off as nosy, or - worse - grandiose, as if I'd engaged in wishful thinking. Carly Simon had a song called "You're So Vain", in which she sang the line "you probably think this song is about you" to the protagonist, which was supposedly Warren Beatty. So I'm asking the question as a fictional rock critic, interviewing you for Rolling Stone. In real life, as myself, I'm just trying understand what happened.
The Beatles wrote their share of love songs, but sometimes instead of writing to a girl, they wrote to her boyfriend, almost like advice columnists. If the guy was blowing it, if he was about to lose his girl, John and Paul tried to fix things. That's what they did in "She Loves You". If I were gonna try something similar, I'd write to the guy in your song. Since this is my blog, I can get away with it, because if you aren't reading, no one is gonna see this but me, and if you are reading, then you're reading, and that can only be a good thing. But if I were writing a Beatles "advice song" to the guy in your song, I'd tell him in so many words (and as poetically as possible), "Hey man, don't blow it! You're the luckiest guy in the world! Go back and talk to Elizabeth. She loves you"! I am not being the least bit facetious, either. That would be my advice to him.
Looking at Instagram once again (and still playing the role of nosy rock critic), I see that the Northwoods Ballad was posted around the same general time frame as the two Red Dress pictures (Rocky Mountains and Iceland) that have the captions of beautiful, romantic poetry. So as your Rolling Stone interviewer, I'd ask you if everything in total, the song lyrics and the poetic captions, refer to the same situation.
"Are they all about the same person"? And then finally, I'd ask if "The Ocean" was about the same person as well. As the songwriter, you would expect such questions to come with the territory, especially from Rolling Stone magazine.
I hope you don't mind if I ask the same questions as myself, as Adam, and again I'm not trying to be cute or coy with the above paragraphs. Just trying to lighten the mood a little cause I've been pretty depressed (the understatement of the year). If this was 2013 or 2014, I'd come right out and ask you if any of the lyrics or captions were about me, because back then I was pretty sure you loved me. Was I wrong in those days? If I was, I apologize, but it sure didn't feel like I was wrong.
There can be misunderstanding involved in communicating the way we have, via blog and Facebook. The two people communicating that way have to be really in tune with one another, and I always thought we were, especially when the Facebook ticker existed. That made it easy. Of course, I wish we'd been able to keep talking via FB messenger. I know I blew it on that score, but still, something made you start to communicate with me again in 2013. Maybe you saw I wasn't such a bad guy after all.
I just wish I'd payed closer attention recently because I guess you were trying to tell me something. If the lyrics and poetry are about someone else, then I'm truly a delusional idiot. If they are about someone else, then I'm sorry for any mistaken assumptions I made. But if they are about me - something I would have been sure of in 2013 - then I am sorry for not understanding you in the first place, and if you went through emotional pain because of me, then I am sorry beyond words. I am experiencing the same pain now, and believe me Elizabeth, I know what it feels like. It doesn't go away. Had I known, I would never have spent all that time writing about movies and trivial stuff.
You were a miracle for me when I met you, and you'd have to be me to fully understand it, but I could explain it to you if we ever talked in person, or even on messenger. Have you ever hoped to meet just the right person in your life, the exact right person for you?
That's what happened to me in 2012, when I met you.
What could happen if we actually talked?
I hope we can reconnect at the very least.
What we've had should never be thrown away.
I love you.
xoxoxo :):)
Friday, July 24, 2020
A Few Thoughts
I'm really tired tonight, without the mental energy to do a lot of writing but I'll write what I can. I haven't been doing much the past few days. Just working. On my breaks I go home and read a few pages of Neil Peart's final book "Far and Wide". I am grateful for Neil. His writing is propping me up right now, and it blows my mind to think that after all he did in his life, and what he meant in my life, that he's now a spirit in the sky. Thanks, Neil. Man, life is short. Well, it's long and it's short. The elasticity of time, etc. But yeah, I'm wiped out.
Eric Clapton once sang : "Why does love got to be so sad"?, and the answer is - it doesn't.
John Lennon sang : "All you need is love", and he was right, but I'd add that you also need communication. Speaking for myself, I may have been neglectful in that respect, writing only movie reviews and glib quips for the past couple of years. I think I know what happened here. I'm not going to go into detail, but Elizabeth, because you and I are on the same wavelength, you can understand psychically what I'm talking about. Believe it or not, I can feel what you're feeling from 2000 miles away. I've been hit by the same tidal wave, and it's overwhelming. It's a mental thing, involving chemistry and magnetism as I mentioned a day or two ago. When you love someone, and they love you, you're connected, no matter how far apart. Heisenberg would understand. It's action at a distance, and it's very real. Humans can be physically distant, but spirits travel. You've felt this in your sleep, and it happens in your waking life too. Love is the most real thing in human existence. You know it when you feel it, there is absolutely no mistaking it, and there's no mistaking the pain that can be associated with it when there's a conflict or a misunderstanding, which is what has happened here. And the pain in this case, for me, has been overwhelming.
I had an idea today for a sequel to "The Ocean". What if the two people in the song didn't go their separate ways? What if they realized their relationship hadn't been a mistake and that they really loved each other? Then the story would turn out to have a happy ending, and the tidal wave this time would be one of immense joy, not to mention relief.
That would be a great two song combination, I think.
The only other thing I know tonight is that I love the picture of the channeled "1950s Housewife" on Instagram. Everything about that picture is perfect. I'm not being chauvinistic, and anyway a housewife is one of the most noble of occupations (my Mom was a housewife) so to heck with being PC, but in the photograph all the decor looks right out of Good Housekeeping, in a time I would have liked to have lived in myself. I'm a child of the 60s, which was pretty close, but the 1950s, for me, was picture perfect. As is the lady in the photo, the one with the beautiful smile.
I'll write more tomorrow, hope you had a good day.
Eric Clapton once sang : "Why does love got to be so sad"?, and the answer is - it doesn't.
John Lennon sang : "All you need is love", and he was right, but I'd add that you also need communication. Speaking for myself, I may have been neglectful in that respect, writing only movie reviews and glib quips for the past couple of years. I think I know what happened here. I'm not going to go into detail, but Elizabeth, because you and I are on the same wavelength, you can understand psychically what I'm talking about. Believe it or not, I can feel what you're feeling from 2000 miles away. I've been hit by the same tidal wave, and it's overwhelming. It's a mental thing, involving chemistry and magnetism as I mentioned a day or two ago. When you love someone, and they love you, you're connected, no matter how far apart. Heisenberg would understand. It's action at a distance, and it's very real. Humans can be physically distant, but spirits travel. You've felt this in your sleep, and it happens in your waking life too. Love is the most real thing in human existence. You know it when you feel it, there is absolutely no mistaking it, and there's no mistaking the pain that can be associated with it when there's a conflict or a misunderstanding, which is what has happened here. And the pain in this case, for me, has been overwhelming.
I had an idea today for a sequel to "The Ocean". What if the two people in the song didn't go their separate ways? What if they realized their relationship hadn't been a mistake and that they really loved each other? Then the story would turn out to have a happy ending, and the tidal wave this time would be one of immense joy, not to mention relief.
That would be a great two song combination, I think.
The only other thing I know tonight is that I love the picture of the channeled "1950s Housewife" on Instagram. Everything about that picture is perfect. I'm not being chauvinistic, and anyway a housewife is one of the most noble of occupations (my Mom was a housewife) so to heck with being PC, but in the photograph all the decor looks right out of Good Housekeeping, in a time I would have liked to have lived in myself. I'm a child of the 60s, which was pretty close, but the 1950s, for me, was picture perfect. As is the lady in the photo, the one with the beautiful smile.
I'll write more tomorrow, hope you had a good day.
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
For Elizabeth (again)
Tonight I will try to write in shorter sentences, in order to state my thoughts as clearly as possible and avoid tangents. I'm a bit of a mess these past few days, so please excuse any unclear paragraphs or unfinished thoughts. At a time like this I have so much I want to say that it can get tangled up in places.
The first thing I want to say is that I hope you had a nice day, Elizabeth.
This morning I listened to "The Ocean" on Instagram (I am "koberdee" over there, in honor of Kobi the dog). I listened again to the lyrics, and re-read your comment about the song. You described it as "dealing with intense feelings", so I guess at the time you were writing the lyrics, you doing just that - coping with strong emotions. I hope it's okay if I quote some of your words. You sing about going separate ways with an unnamed person ("admit it was a mistake"), and then comes the key phrase, "cause I'm full of heart". That's the line that hit me when I first heard the song because it's so true. You have an incredible depth of feeling and it shows in everything you create. I know in this case, of the lyrics to your song, that those words are meant on a very personal level. You then continue by singing, "and it's like a tidal wave, when it washes over me". I don't know who the song is about (it sounds like it's about a person), but it's clear that the emotions you're describing were very strong and probably not easy to deal with. From your comment, it sounds like you were dealing with those emotions at the time you wrote the song, because you said it cheered you up to write and sing about it.
I don't know the details of the lyrics, who they're about or what situation, but just the fact that they describe intense feelings, as you say, tells me that you were going through something difficult at the time. It's a beautiful song by the way, and I like the way you use the metaphor of the shore versus the ocean, safety versus turbulence, then you observe that "starting over is the hardest part". You did an excellent job of lining up the words and syllables in a rhythmic sense, and your imagery in a lyrical sense. But I mention "The Ocean" because I'm trying to understand what you're feeling, even though you wrote it a few months ago and you may have processed those feelings by now.
But then, also on Instagram, I saw a photo - a spectacular Red Dress picture! - that was taken at Rocky Mountain National Park. In the comment you included some lines of poetry that sound very passionate and romantic, "soul stirring" to paraphrase the writer (was it you?). That picture was posted in February, about a month before you recorded "The Ocean". Then there is one other Red Dress photo taken in Iceland, that you posted in January of this year. That pic also has a line of poetry that refers to "two flames growing closer". Those captions sound more.......hopeful is the best word I can come up with at the moment. Romantic for sure. In other words, in January you used the words "two flames growing closer" to caption the photo, but in March - in "The Ocean" - you included the lyric "go our separate ways".
I don't want to guess or speculate on what any of those captions referred to, but it sounds overall like it describes a relationship.
Then finally, in the clip from your new song, that I heard last week, I remember a line that went "the only time I feel found is under your canopy". That was from, in your words, "a love song not to a human", which is why I guessed it was to a tree or just Nature in general. But again, as in "The Ocean", the lyrics are more vulnerable.
Elizabeth, I hope it's okay that I am examining your words, because I'm trying to understand how you've been feeling this year, maybe dealing with some heavy duty ups and downs. I'm also trying to understand why you ended up blocking me, and if the two things are related.
I wondered if you went through a relationship difficulty early this year, but then I thought "why would that lead to me getting blocked"? I've been your FB friend for 8 years, and all I do is press "like". But those poems and song lyrics describe something that, it seems to me, is very personal to you, something intense that you've been going through, and it also seems like I got blocked due to something I wrote in the blog or for something having to do with me in general.
Please know, Elizabeth, that all I'm trying to do is understand you, and what you are feeling. I just want to say a few more things tonight, and then tomorrow I will continue. I hope you are reading and will keep doing so. Please read between the lines as well, and keep in mind what I've said in the other blogs. What I'm going to say now is just me wearing my heart on my sleeve, as I tend to do, but it's a good heart. And I don't presume to speak for you with these thoughts, so I'm just saying "if". But it's good to try and understand someone you care about with all your heart and soul, and it's good to open your heart to that person, and so I'm gonna do that by just saying if :
If I knew you cared for me, you'd never have to wonder how much I care for you. You'd know it all the time.
If I knew you needed me, I would be there for you every hour of every day, in every way, to help, to listen, or just to be present.
You have no idea how much I've needed you, so now I'm telling you.
If you needed me to stand aside and give you space, I'd do that too, at any time.
If you were mine and I was yours, there'd never be anyone else (and there isn't now). I'd only have eyes for you.
If you loved me you'd know I love you. You'd have no doubt, ever.
Then we'd be free. Free from worry, free from fear. Free to be ourselves, each to each other, individuals but together............. In Art and Life.
If I knew what you feel.
xoxoxoxoxo :):)
The first thing I want to say is that I hope you had a nice day, Elizabeth.
This morning I listened to "The Ocean" on Instagram (I am "koberdee" over there, in honor of Kobi the dog). I listened again to the lyrics, and re-read your comment about the song. You described it as "dealing with intense feelings", so I guess at the time you were writing the lyrics, you doing just that - coping with strong emotions. I hope it's okay if I quote some of your words. You sing about going separate ways with an unnamed person ("admit it was a mistake"), and then comes the key phrase, "cause I'm full of heart". That's the line that hit me when I first heard the song because it's so true. You have an incredible depth of feeling and it shows in everything you create. I know in this case, of the lyrics to your song, that those words are meant on a very personal level. You then continue by singing, "and it's like a tidal wave, when it washes over me". I don't know who the song is about (it sounds like it's about a person), but it's clear that the emotions you're describing were very strong and probably not easy to deal with. From your comment, it sounds like you were dealing with those emotions at the time you wrote the song, because you said it cheered you up to write and sing about it.
I don't know the details of the lyrics, who they're about or what situation, but just the fact that they describe intense feelings, as you say, tells me that you were going through something difficult at the time. It's a beautiful song by the way, and I like the way you use the metaphor of the shore versus the ocean, safety versus turbulence, then you observe that "starting over is the hardest part". You did an excellent job of lining up the words and syllables in a rhythmic sense, and your imagery in a lyrical sense. But I mention "The Ocean" because I'm trying to understand what you're feeling, even though you wrote it a few months ago and you may have processed those feelings by now.
But then, also on Instagram, I saw a photo - a spectacular Red Dress picture! - that was taken at Rocky Mountain National Park. In the comment you included some lines of poetry that sound very passionate and romantic, "soul stirring" to paraphrase the writer (was it you?). That picture was posted in February, about a month before you recorded "The Ocean". Then there is one other Red Dress photo taken in Iceland, that you posted in January of this year. That pic also has a line of poetry that refers to "two flames growing closer". Those captions sound more.......hopeful is the best word I can come up with at the moment. Romantic for sure. In other words, in January you used the words "two flames growing closer" to caption the photo, but in March - in "The Ocean" - you included the lyric "go our separate ways".
I don't want to guess or speculate on what any of those captions referred to, but it sounds overall like it describes a relationship.
Then finally, in the clip from your new song, that I heard last week, I remember a line that went "the only time I feel found is under your canopy". That was from, in your words, "a love song not to a human", which is why I guessed it was to a tree or just Nature in general. But again, as in "The Ocean", the lyrics are more vulnerable.
Elizabeth, I hope it's okay that I am examining your words, because I'm trying to understand how you've been feeling this year, maybe dealing with some heavy duty ups and downs. I'm also trying to understand why you ended up blocking me, and if the two things are related.
I wondered if you went through a relationship difficulty early this year, but then I thought "why would that lead to me getting blocked"? I've been your FB friend for 8 years, and all I do is press "like". But those poems and song lyrics describe something that, it seems to me, is very personal to you, something intense that you've been going through, and it also seems like I got blocked due to something I wrote in the blog or for something having to do with me in general.
Please know, Elizabeth, that all I'm trying to do is understand you, and what you are feeling. I just want to say a few more things tonight, and then tomorrow I will continue. I hope you are reading and will keep doing so. Please read between the lines as well, and keep in mind what I've said in the other blogs. What I'm going to say now is just me wearing my heart on my sleeve, as I tend to do, but it's a good heart. And I don't presume to speak for you with these thoughts, so I'm just saying "if". But it's good to try and understand someone you care about with all your heart and soul, and it's good to open your heart to that person, and so I'm gonna do that by just saying if :
If I knew you cared for me, you'd never have to wonder how much I care for you. You'd know it all the time.
If I knew you needed me, I would be there for you every hour of every day, in every way, to help, to listen, or just to be present.
You have no idea how much I've needed you, so now I'm telling you.
If you needed me to stand aside and give you space, I'd do that too, at any time.
If you were mine and I was yours, there'd never be anyone else (and there isn't now). I'd only have eyes for you.
If you loved me you'd know I love you. You'd have no doubt, ever.
Then we'd be free. Free from worry, free from fear. Free to be ourselves, each to each other, individuals but together............. In Art and Life.
If I knew what you feel.
xoxoxoxoxo :):)
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
For Elizabeth, continued
I am just sick about what happened. Sick at heart. I can't concentrate or think about anything else. This afternoon I took the car to get smogged. Normally, that would stress me out, worrying if it was gonna pass, and it did, but this time I wasn't even thinking about the smog test.. All I could think of was why? Why did this happen? It has hit me like a ton of bricks and I just feel horrible. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened.
I'm just gonna write off the top of my head, just to get the thoughts out. I'll probably ramble on, this way and that, but it'll help me to write about it and once again try to make sense of the situation.
I take consolation in the possibility that you are reading this, Elizabeth, because if you are, it means that you care, and if you care, then maybe there's hope.
The way I look at it, there can only be a couple of possibilities as to why you blocked me. I know I went through all of this last night, but I'm probably gonna repeat myself a few times, so thanks for bearing with me. The first possibility is Facebook. Again, I know I mentioned this already, but for the life of me it just doesn't make sense that you would block me for anything Facebook-related. I know I press "like" every time you post, but that's because I like what you do. I love it, in fact. I'd have pressed the "love" icon instead, but I didn't wanna come on too strong. But Elizabeth, you know I love everything about your creative life - now you're branching out into songwriting, with words and music, and personalised songwriting, with heartfelt lyrics in the best singer/songwriter tradition. How awesome is that? So of course I press "like". How could I not? I've been with you this whole time, online at any rate, and I've watched you bloom into an incredible artist. "Notepainting" was a beautiful and original album. How many young musicians compose their own piano music, and on top of that have an artistic concept to go with it? I've never seen an album cover like that. And"The Red Dress" series! Who would've thought of that? Well, I know who. You! So of course I press "like" (and what I really mean to press is "love"). And there's more and more - you draw, you paint, you take beautiful nature photographs, you're a professional videographer, you've had your film playing outside Staples Center for goodness sake, you've taken hundreds of great concert photos and band portraits..........and I've been here to see it all. But Elizabeth, I can't imagine that just pressing the "like" button was enough to cause you to block me. I mean, if it was, I'm sorry for being a nuisance. And I'm gutwrenched that, by being blocked, I won't be able to see any more of your artistic creations. I've loved all your recent posts in Stories, where you caption your photos with things like "Happiness is living across from a prairie". Now I won't be able to see those, or anything else, and I'm heartsick about it and hoping you'll change your mind. But again, I just don't see how this could've resulted from anything on Facebook.
Speaking of Facebook, I just wanted to re-clarify why I stopped commenting on your posts and just stuck with the "like" button. It was because of what happened early on with our direct messaging, and then again in 2014 or so, when I thought you and John were in a relationship. I thought we had some great conversations in the Summer of 2012. I know I upset the balance by saying the Three Little Words, but I couldn't help it, and by early 2013 things seemed okay again. By that point, though, I thought I'd better just stick with the "like" button, and keep all my personal comments at the blog, which was then at Myspace. And as I've noted, I was pretty sure you were reading those blogs, because of your posts on Facebook that corresponded to them (and I know I wasn't imagining it, there were too many of them and they were too exact). So by that time, early 2013, I thought, "Hey, it looks like Elizabeth isn't mad at me after all", which made my heart soar. By mid-2013, Myspace collapsed and I went over to Blogger. From there I continued writing directly to you.
I am an intuitive person, but I am decidedly not a person who lets his imagination get carried away. I'm certainly not "forward" by nature - I'm shy - and what I mean is that I never in a million years would have used the endearments I used in writing to you, if I thought I was bothering you. But my intuition, coupled with what I would see from you on the Facebook ticker, told me you didn't mind. And I also figured, "I'm writing to her on my personal blog. The only way she can see these words is if she types in the url herself, which means she wants to read them". Hence, if you didn't read, no harm done, and if you did, it was because you wanted to.
Looking back, I'd have thought if you were gonna block me, it would have happened then, when I was addressing you as my Sweet Baby. Theoretically, let's imagine you went to my Blogger page for the first time, and saw a love letter from me. If it made you mad, or creeped you out, wouldn't you have blocked me back then, after reading the very first one? But you didn't. And again, I am a reserved person, a shy person, and I never, ever, ever would have written letters like those if I thought I was coming off as a creep, in other words if they weren't wanted. I would never want to come off as a creep, because I am not a creep, as you know. But my intuition told me it was okay, because you read those blogs and didn't get mad at me. And you had to come to my page to read them, they were never thrust upon you, something I would never have done.
So I addressed you as Sweet Baby and My Darling, and I meant every word I wrote. I also kept in mind our age difference. I always tried to keep things light, keep the emotions light, once again to make certain you knew I wasn't a weirdo. I was raised to be a Gentleman, I've got good values and I'm a straight arrow. But I also wanted to write about interesting things, because you are such an intelligent person. In that respect, the age difference vanished because you, like me, can converse on most any subject. We had that in common, which was awesome, I thought, and we both love music and nature.
Of course, had I just assumed all of this, as Some Guy Out In Facebook Land, then I would indeed have been a creep, and I would have been letting my imagination get the best of me. But intuition plays a huge role in life, as does chemistry and magnetism, and when a person is attuned to those factors and pays close attention, he or she can sense if there is a connection. I'm just saying "a connection", mind you, and I would never presume to speak for you, Elizabeth. Only you know how you felt about me, and what I was writing in those days. By my words I made it clear what I felt. But on Facebook I said nothing (except "like"), for all of the above reasons.
And by 2015, when I thought you were with John, I gave up, or "stopped" would be a better word. But the thing is, you always seemed happy in the days when I was writing those blogs, the ones meant just for you, and I would have gone on writing them, had John not been in the picture.
The truth is, that love can be expressed, or not expressed, in so many ways. If I thought you wanted me to write that way to you, I'd never have stopped. I'd have written to you every day. And you could have chosen whether or not to read it.
And if I thought you didn't want me to write that way, I would not have.
Love can be so many things, and be communicated in so many ways. It can be passionate and vulnerable all the way down to noble and reserved. We could list all the ways it can be felt and expressed, but the bottom line in this case is that I became your Facebook friend, we hit it off and had some great conversations, then for a long time it became an Intuitive Thing - without direct communication but with an awareness nonetheless. And it became an awesome Artistic Appreciation thing! Holy smokes, that's been one of the best parts!
I am going to sign off for now, because the hour is late, but I will continue tomorrow and try to examine the other possibility, that something from the blog caused the problem.
I hope to understand what you are feeling, Elizabeth. Please give me that chance.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I'm just gonna write off the top of my head, just to get the thoughts out. I'll probably ramble on, this way and that, but it'll help me to write about it and once again try to make sense of the situation.
I take consolation in the possibility that you are reading this, Elizabeth, because if you are, it means that you care, and if you care, then maybe there's hope.
The way I look at it, there can only be a couple of possibilities as to why you blocked me. I know I went through all of this last night, but I'm probably gonna repeat myself a few times, so thanks for bearing with me. The first possibility is Facebook. Again, I know I mentioned this already, but for the life of me it just doesn't make sense that you would block me for anything Facebook-related. I know I press "like" every time you post, but that's because I like what you do. I love it, in fact. I'd have pressed the "love" icon instead, but I didn't wanna come on too strong. But Elizabeth, you know I love everything about your creative life - now you're branching out into songwriting, with words and music, and personalised songwriting, with heartfelt lyrics in the best singer/songwriter tradition. How awesome is that? So of course I press "like". How could I not? I've been with you this whole time, online at any rate, and I've watched you bloom into an incredible artist. "Notepainting" was a beautiful and original album. How many young musicians compose their own piano music, and on top of that have an artistic concept to go with it? I've never seen an album cover like that. And"The Red Dress" series! Who would've thought of that? Well, I know who. You! So of course I press "like" (and what I really mean to press is "love"). And there's more and more - you draw, you paint, you take beautiful nature photographs, you're a professional videographer, you've had your film playing outside Staples Center for goodness sake, you've taken hundreds of great concert photos and band portraits..........and I've been here to see it all. But Elizabeth, I can't imagine that just pressing the "like" button was enough to cause you to block me. I mean, if it was, I'm sorry for being a nuisance. And I'm gutwrenched that, by being blocked, I won't be able to see any more of your artistic creations. I've loved all your recent posts in Stories, where you caption your photos with things like "Happiness is living across from a prairie". Now I won't be able to see those, or anything else, and I'm heartsick about it and hoping you'll change your mind. But again, I just don't see how this could've resulted from anything on Facebook.
Speaking of Facebook, I just wanted to re-clarify why I stopped commenting on your posts and just stuck with the "like" button. It was because of what happened early on with our direct messaging, and then again in 2014 or so, when I thought you and John were in a relationship. I thought we had some great conversations in the Summer of 2012. I know I upset the balance by saying the Three Little Words, but I couldn't help it, and by early 2013 things seemed okay again. By that point, though, I thought I'd better just stick with the "like" button, and keep all my personal comments at the blog, which was then at Myspace. And as I've noted, I was pretty sure you were reading those blogs, because of your posts on Facebook that corresponded to them (and I know I wasn't imagining it, there were too many of them and they were too exact). So by that time, early 2013, I thought, "Hey, it looks like Elizabeth isn't mad at me after all", which made my heart soar. By mid-2013, Myspace collapsed and I went over to Blogger. From there I continued writing directly to you.
I am an intuitive person, but I am decidedly not a person who lets his imagination get carried away. I'm certainly not "forward" by nature - I'm shy - and what I mean is that I never in a million years would have used the endearments I used in writing to you, if I thought I was bothering you. But my intuition, coupled with what I would see from you on the Facebook ticker, told me you didn't mind. And I also figured, "I'm writing to her on my personal blog. The only way she can see these words is if she types in the url herself, which means she wants to read them". Hence, if you didn't read, no harm done, and if you did, it was because you wanted to.
Looking back, I'd have thought if you were gonna block me, it would have happened then, when I was addressing you as my Sweet Baby. Theoretically, let's imagine you went to my Blogger page for the first time, and saw a love letter from me. If it made you mad, or creeped you out, wouldn't you have blocked me back then, after reading the very first one? But you didn't. And again, I am a reserved person, a shy person, and I never, ever, ever would have written letters like those if I thought I was coming off as a creep, in other words if they weren't wanted. I would never want to come off as a creep, because I am not a creep, as you know. But my intuition told me it was okay, because you read those blogs and didn't get mad at me. And you had to come to my page to read them, they were never thrust upon you, something I would never have done.
So I addressed you as Sweet Baby and My Darling, and I meant every word I wrote. I also kept in mind our age difference. I always tried to keep things light, keep the emotions light, once again to make certain you knew I wasn't a weirdo. I was raised to be a Gentleman, I've got good values and I'm a straight arrow. But I also wanted to write about interesting things, because you are such an intelligent person. In that respect, the age difference vanished because you, like me, can converse on most any subject. We had that in common, which was awesome, I thought, and we both love music and nature.
Of course, had I just assumed all of this, as Some Guy Out In Facebook Land, then I would indeed have been a creep, and I would have been letting my imagination get the best of me. But intuition plays a huge role in life, as does chemistry and magnetism, and when a person is attuned to those factors and pays close attention, he or she can sense if there is a connection. I'm just saying "a connection", mind you, and I would never presume to speak for you, Elizabeth. Only you know how you felt about me, and what I was writing in those days. By my words I made it clear what I felt. But on Facebook I said nothing (except "like"), for all of the above reasons.
And by 2015, when I thought you were with John, I gave up, or "stopped" would be a better word. But the thing is, you always seemed happy in the days when I was writing those blogs, the ones meant just for you, and I would have gone on writing them, had John not been in the picture.
The truth is, that love can be expressed, or not expressed, in so many ways. If I thought you wanted me to write that way to you, I'd never have stopped. I'd have written to you every day. And you could have chosen whether or not to read it.
And if I thought you didn't want me to write that way, I would not have.
Love can be so many things, and be communicated in so many ways. It can be passionate and vulnerable all the way down to noble and reserved. We could list all the ways it can be felt and expressed, but the bottom line in this case is that I became your Facebook friend, we hit it off and had some great conversations, then for a long time it became an Intuitive Thing - without direct communication but with an awareness nonetheless. And it became an awesome Artistic Appreciation thing! Holy smokes, that's been one of the best parts!
I am going to sign off for now, because the hour is late, but I will continue tomorrow and try to examine the other possibility, that something from the blog caused the problem.
I hope to understand what you are feeling, Elizabeth. Please give me that chance.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Monday, July 20, 2020
For Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
It looks like you have blocked me on Facebook. I'm guessing blocked rather than unfriended because according to FB, if you'd unfriended me I'd still be able to see your profile picture, which I can't. I also ruled out that you'd deactivated or deleted your account, because when I signed out of FB and searched your name, your profile did come up and I could see it.. But when I'm signed in I get nothing. So from what I can tell, you blocked me.
Can I ask why? I mean, it came out of nowhere and has really knocked me for a loop.
To me, blocking would signify you're upset about something. I know that sometimes, when people want to pare down their friends list, maybe to include only the folks they know "in person", they might unfriend a lot of others. To block, though, is a whole different thing. I've been your friend for over eight years, and I've tried to be as unobtrusive as I can be. I only ever press "like", I refrain from commenting directly on FB, and I've kept everything else here at the blog. I can only think of two reasons why a person would block someone. Either the blockee is worrisome, i.e. a nutcase to whatever degree, or else he or she is a friend or acquaintance who's upset the blocker in some way. You've known me long enough to know I'm not the former, so all I can think of is that you're mad at me. Blocking indicates feelings are involved. If I've done something to make you angry at me, I wish you'd say so. I'd give anything for a chance to fix it.
I've wracked my brain this afternoon to try and figure out what happened. As far as Facebook is concerned, I can't see how the trouble came from there. As I say, all I've ever done, at least for several years, is just to press "like" when you post, and that's because I do like your music, your photos, your art, etc. I only stopped posting comments because in 2012, you got upset with me. Today I wondered, "do I come off as too enthusiastic", like an overeager fanboy? But then I thought, if that were the case, you'd have blocked me years ago. And anyway, the whole point of posting something on FB is for people to see and/or hear it, to give them a chance to like it. "Like" is the whole point of a Facebook response, to say "I like what you do"! What's not to like about a "like", right? And from me it's from the heart, every time. You're a wonderful artist in every respect, as I've always said. What you create hits me in my soul, I am an intuitive person and connect to what you are doing on that level, and I love your love of nature, your emotional feel in music, and just the way you express yourself in the world.
So, I can't understand how the blocking was generated by anything I do on Facebook, on your page or mine. On yours, I only ever press "like" and on mine, I only ever post photos, music and the occasional goofy item, like a David Lynch video. I never post politics or the kind of stuff that usually causes someone to unfriend another person. But again, this appears to be a block rather than an unfriend.
So if it's not any action on Facebook (or if it is please tell me), then the only other place of origin must be here at the blog. And again, I just don't understand what it could be. I only ever write movie reviews, with the occasional comment about a book or a brief sentence about Trump, which I know wouldn't offend you. It's true that when you post, I comment about it here rather than on FB, but I've been doing that for years. When I do it, I put your name in the blog title so you'll know it's for you. To be honest, for a long time now I've never been sure if you do read this blog anymore. Back in 2013-15, it was easier to tell, because you'd respond on FB in a certain way, by posting something that would correlate. For instance, one time I wrote "life is magic" and an hour later I saw a "like" by you of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon that said the same thing. That type of "back and forth" evolved into what I assumed was a new form of communication, and it worked like a charm (or seemed to) for several years, until Facebook did away with their news ticker. But I kept using the blog to communicate because, back in those days, I was pretty certain you were reading it. And, I've been using it ever since, to write back to you whenever you post.
I know that from 2013 to about 2015, my blogs to you were very personal, but again, from our "back and forth" communication on Facebook, I thought there was at least something mutual, and I always tried to write as a gentleman. My goodness, if you were gonna block me for coming on too strong, I would think you'd have done it back then. But the thing is, I didn't come on too strong, because anything I wrote was right here on my own page. The only way you could've read it would be if you had wanted to. I just wanted you to know my feelings, and I think if you'd read those blogs and been repulsed, you'd have blocked or unfriended me years ago. But the bottom line is that I wrote them here, where the only way you would see them was if you chose to. Also, everything I wrote I tried to express from the highest point of honor. I never, ever, wrote anything cheap or trashy concerning you and me, not only because I am not a trashy person and didn't feel those things, but because of the exact opposite, because meeting you was one in a million for me. There is no one like you, Elizabeth. Moreover I kept things utterly respectful; respecting our age difference and the physical distance between us. Though my feelings were true, I tried to keep it discreet because it was written online. That's why I kept it on my own page, my own blog, where you could read it or ignore it at your discretion. This blog was started for you.
Then, around 2015 or maybe 2016, I gave up altogether, the reason being that I thought you were in a relationship with John. I thought, "well, I guess I'd better step out of the way", and if you go back and look at those blogs you'll see I did so. At that point, the blog began to turn into movie reviews and general commentary. Ever since then, I only wrote to you when you posted something on FB, or when I had something to relate that I thought you might like. I used to sometimes start the blog "Hey Elizabeth"! That was after I toned things down. Before that, I always called you "my darling" or "sweet baby", but I kept my feelings restricted to the blog, so the only way you'd ever see them was if you wanted to. In short, you'd have to come here to read them, otherwise you'd never see them. And I think you must have seen those blogs.
Had John not been in the picture, I'd have kept writing that way, because a) I assumed you were reading, and b) they were my true feelings, and c) I thought you didn't mind. Once you and he were apparently involved, I stopped using those endearments. But they, too, were from the heart and I meant them in the best way. For the record, my feelings have never changed. I've just kept them to myself out of respect and to be unobtrusive, but I think you know that already.
All of this is meant to say that I can't imagine my personal feelings have caused you to block me after all this time, out of the blue. Just the other day, you seemed really happy. You posted the clip from your new song, then you posted the pic of the prairie. All I did was press "like" on both, and the next thing I know, I'm blocked (though it took me a couple days to figure out that was the case).
So all I can gather is that, whatever the cause, it must have come from the blog. I know I wrote a bunch of "weird stuff" recently, like my Darwin jokes and my story about "Matthew", but that's just my stupid sense of humor and my weird imagination. I've gone over every recent blog and I can't for the life of me figure out what I wrote that would cause you to block me. Yet blocking someone indicates anger, it's an impulsive action. "You jerk! That's it, I'm blocking you". So it's gotta be something I wrote.
Elizabeth, I wouldn't have taken the time to say all of this if it were anyone but you. You mean the world to me, and again I have to stress that anything I express is meant in the best way. You know me well enough to know 100% that I am not some weirdo sitting at the other end of an internet connection. I'm just me, and you wouldn't be here reading this if you didn't know that for certain. But even more than that - and this has got to be stressed most importantly - you have meant so much to me, just as Elizabeth the person, just doing what you do - making music, taking photos, loving nature, painting, etc. Just being who you are, you have brought so much joy to my life I can't begin to tell you. It's not superficial, it's for real. I'm an Alzheimer's caregiver as you know, and in my workaday life I don't always have a lot of joy. That's why when I see one of your posts, of a beautiful new song or photograph, and the words you write to accompany it, I light up. Because it makes my day.
You make my day.
I've felt a kinship with you ever since we met, because we like the same things. But the thing is, Elizabeth, that if it were any other person posting the same things, it wouldn't be the same.
It's because it's You. It's because you're the Artist with a Capital A, as I've always said. I've been with you since Autre Temps, and I've been on your side all the time, every single day. But even more than that, you're a very special person, a special lady and a beautiful spirit. You're also extremely intelligent, and I think you know all the things I am saying in this blog are true. Knowing you has been a wonderful thing for me, such a blessing and more than I can express in words.
I just want to ask if you'd consider unblocking me, or at least let me know why you blocked me? If you unblocked me, I could send you another friend request. I see I am not blocked on your Instagram. Would it be okay to message you there? I only ask because it hurts not to know why this has happened. The truth is that it makes me feel like crying. It has meant so much to me to be your friend for the past eight years, and to just have it taken away with no reason..........it hurts a lot.
All of this is what I'm feeling, but what about you? You must be feeling something also. Whatever it is, won't you tell me? Communication is the great problem solver in life. We're living in stressful enough times as it is. Your lyrics in "The Ocean" show an incredible depth of feeling on your part, whatever they may pertain to specifically. If I did something to hurt you, wrote something, whatever the case, it would kill me not to know what it was. If I know, I can at least understand it and fix the problem. I am hurting tonight, because I don't know what happened, and it would also kill me to think you don't consider me your friend because of something I have done.
Anyway, I've probably written a lot in this blog. I did so because of you, Elizabeth. You must've known that blocking me would come as a huge shock to me, and you must have done it for a specific reason. If you'll consider unblocking me, I'd like another chance to be your friend. You matter to me and your feelings matter to me. I want to know what you are thinking and feeling also, so I can understand why this happened.
I hope you read this, and thanks for reading if you do. If you came here to read it, it shows you care, and I care about you too. You are the absolute best, Elizabeth.
Love, Adam.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
It looks like you have blocked me on Facebook. I'm guessing blocked rather than unfriended because according to FB, if you'd unfriended me I'd still be able to see your profile picture, which I can't. I also ruled out that you'd deactivated or deleted your account, because when I signed out of FB and searched your name, your profile did come up and I could see it.. But when I'm signed in I get nothing. So from what I can tell, you blocked me.
Can I ask why? I mean, it came out of nowhere and has really knocked me for a loop.
To me, blocking would signify you're upset about something. I know that sometimes, when people want to pare down their friends list, maybe to include only the folks they know "in person", they might unfriend a lot of others. To block, though, is a whole different thing. I've been your friend for over eight years, and I've tried to be as unobtrusive as I can be. I only ever press "like", I refrain from commenting directly on FB, and I've kept everything else here at the blog. I can only think of two reasons why a person would block someone. Either the blockee is worrisome, i.e. a nutcase to whatever degree, or else he or she is a friend or acquaintance who's upset the blocker in some way. You've known me long enough to know I'm not the former, so all I can think of is that you're mad at me. Blocking indicates feelings are involved. If I've done something to make you angry at me, I wish you'd say so. I'd give anything for a chance to fix it.
I've wracked my brain this afternoon to try and figure out what happened. As far as Facebook is concerned, I can't see how the trouble came from there. As I say, all I've ever done, at least for several years, is just to press "like" when you post, and that's because I do like your music, your photos, your art, etc. I only stopped posting comments because in 2012, you got upset with me. Today I wondered, "do I come off as too enthusiastic", like an overeager fanboy? But then I thought, if that were the case, you'd have blocked me years ago. And anyway, the whole point of posting something on FB is for people to see and/or hear it, to give them a chance to like it. "Like" is the whole point of a Facebook response, to say "I like what you do"! What's not to like about a "like", right? And from me it's from the heart, every time. You're a wonderful artist in every respect, as I've always said. What you create hits me in my soul, I am an intuitive person and connect to what you are doing on that level, and I love your love of nature, your emotional feel in music, and just the way you express yourself in the world.
So, I can't understand how the blocking was generated by anything I do on Facebook, on your page or mine. On yours, I only ever press "like" and on mine, I only ever post photos, music and the occasional goofy item, like a David Lynch video. I never post politics or the kind of stuff that usually causes someone to unfriend another person. But again, this appears to be a block rather than an unfriend.
So if it's not any action on Facebook (or if it is please tell me), then the only other place of origin must be here at the blog. And again, I just don't understand what it could be. I only ever write movie reviews, with the occasional comment about a book or a brief sentence about Trump, which I know wouldn't offend you. It's true that when you post, I comment about it here rather than on FB, but I've been doing that for years. When I do it, I put your name in the blog title so you'll know it's for you. To be honest, for a long time now I've never been sure if you do read this blog anymore. Back in 2013-15, it was easier to tell, because you'd respond on FB in a certain way, by posting something that would correlate. For instance, one time I wrote "life is magic" and an hour later I saw a "like" by you of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon that said the same thing. That type of "back and forth" evolved into what I assumed was a new form of communication, and it worked like a charm (or seemed to) for several years, until Facebook did away with their news ticker. But I kept using the blog to communicate because, back in those days, I was pretty certain you were reading it. And, I've been using it ever since, to write back to you whenever you post.
I know that from 2013 to about 2015, my blogs to you were very personal, but again, from our "back and forth" communication on Facebook, I thought there was at least something mutual, and I always tried to write as a gentleman. My goodness, if you were gonna block me for coming on too strong, I would think you'd have done it back then. But the thing is, I didn't come on too strong, because anything I wrote was right here on my own page. The only way you could've read it would be if you had wanted to. I just wanted you to know my feelings, and I think if you'd read those blogs and been repulsed, you'd have blocked or unfriended me years ago. But the bottom line is that I wrote them here, where the only way you would see them was if you chose to. Also, everything I wrote I tried to express from the highest point of honor. I never, ever, wrote anything cheap or trashy concerning you and me, not only because I am not a trashy person and didn't feel those things, but because of the exact opposite, because meeting you was one in a million for me. There is no one like you, Elizabeth. Moreover I kept things utterly respectful; respecting our age difference and the physical distance between us. Though my feelings were true, I tried to keep it discreet because it was written online. That's why I kept it on my own page, my own blog, where you could read it or ignore it at your discretion. This blog was started for you.
Then, around 2015 or maybe 2016, I gave up altogether, the reason being that I thought you were in a relationship with John. I thought, "well, I guess I'd better step out of the way", and if you go back and look at those blogs you'll see I did so. At that point, the blog began to turn into movie reviews and general commentary. Ever since then, I only wrote to you when you posted something on FB, or when I had something to relate that I thought you might like. I used to sometimes start the blog "Hey Elizabeth"! That was after I toned things down. Before that, I always called you "my darling" or "sweet baby", but I kept my feelings restricted to the blog, so the only way you'd ever see them was if you wanted to. In short, you'd have to come here to read them, otherwise you'd never see them. And I think you must have seen those blogs.
Had John not been in the picture, I'd have kept writing that way, because a) I assumed you were reading, and b) they were my true feelings, and c) I thought you didn't mind. Once you and he were apparently involved, I stopped using those endearments. But they, too, were from the heart and I meant them in the best way. For the record, my feelings have never changed. I've just kept them to myself out of respect and to be unobtrusive, but I think you know that already.
All of this is meant to say that I can't imagine my personal feelings have caused you to block me after all this time, out of the blue. Just the other day, you seemed really happy. You posted the clip from your new song, then you posted the pic of the prairie. All I did was press "like" on both, and the next thing I know, I'm blocked (though it took me a couple days to figure out that was the case).
So all I can gather is that, whatever the cause, it must have come from the blog. I know I wrote a bunch of "weird stuff" recently, like my Darwin jokes and my story about "Matthew", but that's just my stupid sense of humor and my weird imagination. I've gone over every recent blog and I can't for the life of me figure out what I wrote that would cause you to block me. Yet blocking someone indicates anger, it's an impulsive action. "You jerk! That's it, I'm blocking you". So it's gotta be something I wrote.
Elizabeth, I wouldn't have taken the time to say all of this if it were anyone but you. You mean the world to me, and again I have to stress that anything I express is meant in the best way. You know me well enough to know 100% that I am not some weirdo sitting at the other end of an internet connection. I'm just me, and you wouldn't be here reading this if you didn't know that for certain. But even more than that - and this has got to be stressed most importantly - you have meant so much to me, just as Elizabeth the person, just doing what you do - making music, taking photos, loving nature, painting, etc. Just being who you are, you have brought so much joy to my life I can't begin to tell you. It's not superficial, it's for real. I'm an Alzheimer's caregiver as you know, and in my workaday life I don't always have a lot of joy. That's why when I see one of your posts, of a beautiful new song or photograph, and the words you write to accompany it, I light up. Because it makes my day.
You make my day.
I've felt a kinship with you ever since we met, because we like the same things. But the thing is, Elizabeth, that if it were any other person posting the same things, it wouldn't be the same.
It's because it's You. It's because you're the Artist with a Capital A, as I've always said. I've been with you since Autre Temps, and I've been on your side all the time, every single day. But even more than that, you're a very special person, a special lady and a beautiful spirit. You're also extremely intelligent, and I think you know all the things I am saying in this blog are true. Knowing you has been a wonderful thing for me, such a blessing and more than I can express in words.
I just want to ask if you'd consider unblocking me, or at least let me know why you blocked me? If you unblocked me, I could send you another friend request. I see I am not blocked on your Instagram. Would it be okay to message you there? I only ask because it hurts not to know why this has happened. The truth is that it makes me feel like crying. It has meant so much to me to be your friend for the past eight years, and to just have it taken away with no reason..........it hurts a lot.
All of this is what I'm feeling, but what about you? You must be feeling something also. Whatever it is, won't you tell me? Communication is the great problem solver in life. We're living in stressful enough times as it is. Your lyrics in "The Ocean" show an incredible depth of feeling on your part, whatever they may pertain to specifically. If I did something to hurt you, wrote something, whatever the case, it would kill me not to know what it was. If I know, I can at least understand it and fix the problem. I am hurting tonight, because I don't know what happened, and it would also kill me to think you don't consider me your friend because of something I have done.
Anyway, I've probably written a lot in this blog. I did so because of you, Elizabeth. You must've known that blocking me would come as a huge shock to me, and you must have done it for a specific reason. If you'll consider unblocking me, I'd like another chance to be your friend. You matter to me and your feelings matter to me. I want to know what you are thinking and feeling also, so I can understand why this happened.
I hope you read this, and thanks for reading if you do. If you came here to read it, it shows you care, and I care about you too. You are the absolute best, Elizabeth.
Love, Adam.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Recorder
No movie again tonight. I'm distracted because I'm wondering what happened to Elizabeth. Elizabeth, if you are reading this I hope everything's okay. Maybe the FB thing is a technical problem of some kind. I sure hope you didn't get hacked. Mainly I just hope you are okay and that nothing terrible has happened. You only just posted the clip from your new song, and the photo of the prairie, just a couple of days ago, so this came out of the blue. 2020 is already a bad year, please Lord don't make it worse.
All I can do for now is trust that all is well. But blogging and watching movies will have to wait.
On a lighter note, my recorder came in the mail. No, not a tape recorder but a recorder, you know - a woodwind - except mine is made of plastic, a beginner's model from Yamaha. I ordered my recorder (order and rec-order) after rediscovering the music of Gentle Giant. In their videos, you can sometimes see two or three of them all playing recorders at once, and they looked like fairly simple instruments to learn. So, I went online at Amazon just to check prices, and I found the Yamaha Soprano model for just 8 bucks! It was listed as "the #1 seller" among recorders. I bought it so I could (attempt to) play along with Gentle Giant. If it turns out I can't, I'll settle for snake charming. Third choice would be payback for the 3am parties of my Noisy Neighbors. I was surprised at how loud the thing is. In truth, I won't be able to practice it in my apartment. I'll have to take it up to Aliso or Santa Su and play it in the middle of nowhere, until I get good. Then everyone will line up for miles around.
Right?
All I can do for now is trust that all is well. But blogging and watching movies will have to wait.
On a lighter note, my recorder came in the mail. No, not a tape recorder but a recorder, you know - a woodwind - except mine is made of plastic, a beginner's model from Yamaha. I ordered my recorder (order and rec-order) after rediscovering the music of Gentle Giant. In their videos, you can sometimes see two or three of them all playing recorders at once, and they looked like fairly simple instruments to learn. So, I went online at Amazon just to check prices, and I found the Yamaha Soprano model for just 8 bucks! It was listed as "the #1 seller" among recorders. I bought it so I could (attempt to) play along with Gentle Giant. If it turns out I can't, I'll settle for snake charming. Third choice would be payback for the 3am parties of my Noisy Neighbors. I was surprised at how loud the thing is. In truth, I won't be able to practice it in my apartment. I'll have to take it up to Aliso or Santa Su and play it in the middle of nowhere, until I get good. Then everyone will line up for miles around.
Right?
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