I've tried to write something for the past couple of nights, but I wasn't able to finish because I just end up repeating myself. Tonight though, I'm just gonna go for it because I can't let the blog die. It's my only means of communication with you right now, and I obviously don't want to lose it. So, whether I repeat myself or not doesn't matter.
Elizabeth, I have to tell you that I've been distraught over this. Sometimes the pain has been so intense that I'm glad I've had my job to focus on. But I wonder if you've been feeling the same pain too. Do you believe two people can feel the same thing? I do, if the two people love each other. I've been going over what happened - thinking about it again and again (it's all I can think about) - and when I get away from second guessing myself and get it clear in my head, I think you've been trying to tell me something, at the very least since early this year, and I haven't been getting the message. Well, now I get it. Please re-read the other recent blogs to see what I've already said in this regard.
I wish we'd been talking all this time - for the past eight years - by direct message, or even by phone. But we haven't been, and so it hasn't always be easy for me to understand what you've been feeling. Because I have this blog, I can be more direct, and I have been over the years. But I know that it might be different for you. Not everyone expresses themselves in the same way. I'm actually super-shy, and had to gather up the nerve to tell you I loved you, that first time in 2012. I mean, I had butterflies big time. But finally I had to say something and it all came out, as you know. And I felt great relief at having told you, even though it made you mad at first.
Then 2013 happened, and all was well. Then John came along, and I've already written about all of that. I mean, God Bless the guy, I don't know him, nor do I know what your relationship was with him. But by 2015 or so, his presence threw me off track.
I'll admit it too, doggonnit.........I was jealous. And there was that French guy, too. I can't remember his name, but he had really long hair. I thought, "I can't compete with these guys. They're handsome, they're Elizabeth's age", and in John's case he lived somewhat close, in Chicago. Now I'm repeating myself, I know, but it really was the reason I stopped writing to you the way I had been.
Because of the demise of the Facebook ticker and the presence of John, I had no idea how you felt about me as the years went by. I hoped you at least knew - just from an artistic standpoint - that I was your #1 fan. I still am, of course, and I've always tried to encourage you and be helpful in any way I can, just by way of my comments. As I say, I wish we'd been talking directly all this time, it would have been easier and we could have said so much more, but you told me you didn't want that, so I thought "we'll, I'll just stay on the sidelines and keep doing what I've been doing". Because you had stopped commenting on my posts or even pressing "like", I just figured, again, that it was because of John, or maybe because of our age difference (although that didn't stop you in the beginning, when we met).
To make a long story short, at least of this aspect, when you moved back home from Chicago, I figured John was out of the picture. But I didn't feel it was my place to re-state my feelings for you because a lot had happened during that time. You'd become a professional filmmaker, etc. And you'd stopped interacting with me on Facebook, so I thought, "well, I hope she doesn't mind if I still press "like" and comment here at my blog". So by then, instead of writing to you as "My Darling", I was just saying "Hey Elizabeth"! I was trying to keep things light, because I had no idea how you felt about me, or what you felt, if anything. I didn't think you felt I was a pest, or I'd have gone away. And you posted a lot of beautiful nature photos, and hiking photos, and I knew you were aware that I liked both subjects, so I figured maybe I was included in those posts, as part of your intended audience.
And you knew I loved "Notepainting". So I thought I could still stick around and be your #1 fan and cheerleader at the very least. (remember when I was your drill sergeant, way back when? Or when I used to say "I will re-enforce you"? Those were fun times :):) )
Then this year, you started to write songs with words, where you were really expressing your feelings, baring your soul, and believe me, Elizabeth, the intended emotion comes through in your lyrics and voice, and in the melodies. Most songwriters, when they write such songs, are writing about someone in particular, even if they express it vaguely or in metaphor. If the songs and photo captions were meant for me, I would not have guessed. In 2013 I would have, but a lot had happened in your life since then, as I've mentioned.
But there's one other thing I wanted to bring up, because again, I know how hard it can be to say certain things, to open yourself up and be vulnerable. Do you remember when we went through a situation, maybe in 2013 or 2014, where I thought you were mad at me? I can't recall the exact year or month, but it was early on. If you remember that situation, you'll recall that it had to do with a third party. I'm not gonna mention that person now, but you'll know who I'm talking about. If you remember, I even asked if you were hacking me, because it felt like you could almost see right into my computer. That's ludicrous, I know. More likely you were psychic, or had just read my blogs on Myspace, where I had written about the person in my book.
I am pretty psychic, too, Elizabeth (another way in which we are alike), and I want you to know, on the off chance that this is part of the problem, that the person in question is not part of my life and hasn't been for thirty years, since before you were born.
The thing is, I want to be with you. You're the one I want, and I hope you want me in your life too. We could talk about it if you wanted to, or I could just be part of your life from online. Whatever you want. All I would say is that if you are feeling what I'm feeling, please know that it's real. This is real life; people fall in love. The pain of the past two weeks is as real as the love that's behind it. If it were up to me, I wish you were my soulmate.
But the least I would ask is that you don't cut me out of your life. I've been with you for eight years and even if it's "only on Facebook", that still counts for a lot in today's world, and besides, there is the psychic and emotional connection which we've already shared. In other words, we know that two people can fall in love without actually talking.
Please think about it, Elizabeth. I can't imagine my life without you.
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