I am just sick about what happened. Sick at heart. I can't concentrate or think about anything else. This afternoon I took the car to get smogged. Normally, that would stress me out, worrying if it was gonna pass, and it did, but this time I wasn't even thinking about the smog test.. All I could think of was why? Why did this happen? It has hit me like a ton of bricks and I just feel horrible. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened.
I'm just gonna write off the top of my head, just to get the thoughts out. I'll probably ramble on, this way and that, but it'll help me to write about it and once again try to make sense of the situation.
I take consolation in the possibility that you are reading this, Elizabeth, because if you are, it means that you care, and if you care, then maybe there's hope.
The way I look at it, there can only be a couple of possibilities as to why you blocked me. I know I went through all of this last night, but I'm probably gonna repeat myself a few times, so thanks for bearing with me. The first possibility is Facebook. Again, I know I mentioned this already, but for the life of me it just doesn't make sense that you would block me for anything Facebook-related. I know I press "like" every time you post, but that's because I like what you do. I love it, in fact. I'd have pressed the "love" icon instead, but I didn't wanna come on too strong. But Elizabeth, you know I love everything about your creative life - now you're branching out into songwriting, with words and music, and personalised songwriting, with heartfelt lyrics in the best singer/songwriter tradition. How awesome is that? So of course I press "like". How could I not? I've been with you this whole time, online at any rate, and I've watched you bloom into an incredible artist. "Notepainting" was a beautiful and original album. How many young musicians compose their own piano music, and on top of that have an artistic concept to go with it? I've never seen an album cover like that. And"The Red Dress" series! Who would've thought of that? Well, I know who. You! So of course I press "like" (and what I really mean to press is "love"). And there's more and more - you draw, you paint, you take beautiful nature photographs, you're a professional videographer, you've had your film playing outside Staples Center for goodness sake, you've taken hundreds of great concert photos and band portraits..........and I've been here to see it all. But Elizabeth, I can't imagine that just pressing the "like" button was enough to cause you to block me. I mean, if it was, I'm sorry for being a nuisance. And I'm gutwrenched that, by being blocked, I won't be able to see any more of your artistic creations. I've loved all your recent posts in Stories, where you caption your photos with things like "Happiness is living across from a prairie". Now I won't be able to see those, or anything else, and I'm heartsick about it and hoping you'll change your mind. But again, I just don't see how this could've resulted from anything on Facebook.
Speaking of Facebook, I just wanted to re-clarify why I stopped commenting on your posts and just stuck with the "like" button. It was because of what happened early on with our direct messaging, and then again in 2014 or so, when I thought you and John were in a relationship. I thought we had some great conversations in the Summer of 2012. I know I upset the balance by saying the Three Little Words, but I couldn't help it, and by early 2013 things seemed okay again. By that point, though, I thought I'd better just stick with the "like" button, and keep all my personal comments at the blog, which was then at Myspace. And as I've noted, I was pretty sure you were reading those blogs, because of your posts on Facebook that corresponded to them (and I know I wasn't imagining it, there were too many of them and they were too exact). So by that time, early 2013, I thought, "Hey, it looks like Elizabeth isn't mad at me after all", which made my heart soar. By mid-2013, Myspace collapsed and I went over to Blogger. From there I continued writing directly to you.
I am an intuitive person, but I am decidedly not a person who lets his imagination get carried away. I'm certainly not "forward" by nature - I'm shy - and what I mean is that I never in a million years would have used the endearments I used in writing to you, if I thought I was bothering you. But my intuition, coupled with what I would see from you on the Facebook ticker, told me you didn't mind. And I also figured, "I'm writing to her on my personal blog. The only way she can see these words is if she types in the url herself, which means she wants to read them". Hence, if you didn't read, no harm done, and if you did, it was because you wanted to.
Looking back, I'd have thought if you were gonna block me, it would have happened then, when I was addressing you as my Sweet Baby. Theoretically, let's imagine you went to my Blogger page for the first time, and saw a love letter from me. If it made you mad, or creeped you out, wouldn't you have blocked me back then, after reading the very first one? But you didn't. And again, I am a reserved person, a shy person, and I never, ever, ever would have written letters like those if I thought I was coming off as a creep, in other words if they weren't wanted. I would never want to come off as a creep, because I am not a creep, as you know. But my intuition told me it was okay, because you read those blogs and didn't get mad at me. And you had to come to my page to read them, they were never thrust upon you, something I would never have done.
So I addressed you as Sweet Baby and My Darling, and I meant every word I wrote. I also kept in mind our age difference. I always tried to keep things light, keep the emotions light, once again to make certain you knew I wasn't a weirdo. I was raised to be a Gentleman, I've got good values and I'm a straight arrow. But I also wanted to write about interesting things, because you are such an intelligent person. In that respect, the age difference vanished because you, like me, can converse on most any subject. We had that in common, which was awesome, I thought, and we both love music and nature.
Of course, had I just assumed all of this, as Some Guy Out In Facebook Land, then I would indeed have been a creep, and I would have been letting my imagination get the best of me. But intuition plays a huge role in life, as does chemistry and magnetism, and when a person is attuned to those factors and pays close attention, he or she can sense if there is a connection. I'm just saying "a connection", mind you, and I would never presume to speak for you, Elizabeth. Only you know how you felt about me, and what I was writing in those days. By my words I made it clear what I felt. But on Facebook I said nothing (except "like"), for all of the above reasons.
And by 2015, when I thought you were with John, I gave up, or "stopped" would be a better word. But the thing is, you always seemed happy in the days when I was writing those blogs, the ones meant just for you, and I would have gone on writing them, had John not been in the picture.
The truth is, that love can be expressed, or not expressed, in so many ways. If I thought you wanted me to write that way to you, I'd never have stopped. I'd have written to you every day. And you could have chosen whether or not to read it.
And if I thought you didn't want me to write that way, I would not have.
Love can be so many things, and be communicated in so many ways. It can be passionate and vulnerable all the way down to noble and reserved. We could list all the ways it can be felt and expressed, but the bottom line in this case is that I became your Facebook friend, we hit it off and had some great conversations, then for a long time it became an Intuitive Thing - without direct communication but with an awareness nonetheless. And it became an awesome Artistic Appreciation thing! Holy smokes, that's been one of the best parts!
I am going to sign off for now, because the hour is late, but I will continue tomorrow and try to examine the other possibility, that something from the blog caused the problem.
I hope to understand what you are feeling, Elizabeth. Please give me that chance.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
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