Hi Elizabeth,
I am home from Pearl's. I saw your posts earlier, though I had to go through the "posts Elizabeth likes" search feature to see them. For some reason, sometimes your posts and likes don't show up in the FB ticker. I saw the one post, from berlin-artparasite, about "nothing changes until a pattern is broken". I assume you meant that for me. Am I right about that? I further assume it has something to do with what I put into my FB search window.
Elizabeth, we have a real problem here and I hope we can fix it. I know I said the other day that the fact that you've hacked me doesn't really bother me, but I am noticing today that the realisation of the hacking is having a delayed effect on me, much like it did last year when I first discovered it. What I mean is that, if it had been some stranger who had hacked me, I would have obviously been instantly shocked and outraged and motivated to do something about it. We don't know what strangers are capable of, after all, and anybody who has been anonymously hacked would be very shocked because it's akin to having your house burgled or your wallet stolen. It's an invasion, pure and simple.
But because it was you who did it, I was at first very quickly ready to forgive and move on, especially since you tipped your hand and sort of admitted it by getting upset that I had FB searched Lillian, or that last year I had sent her a friend request. At first I thought it was your parents, or maybe a techie friend who had done it for you, but the more I thought about it, those examples didn't make sense. This time, you have pretty much admitted to it, and you then made an FB post that alluded to "fear of losing" someone, which I took to mean me, as a way of explaining why you hacked me in the first place. Okay, I can try to understand all of that, so far.
I can try to understand it. But "try" doesn't go all the way, and I certainly can't condone it. Because of that, I don't know what to do here. Maybe you can think of something, because we need solutions.
I am not familiar with the workings of computers, as you know, but I've heard of some of the terminology, and over the past couple of days, the phrase "Trojan Horse" came to mind. I did some Googling and discovered that a Trojan Horse virus can basically give complete access to a person's computer to a hacker at another location. I also learned that a Trojan virus can be inserted into a file, such as an e-mail or an mp3 of a song. The person who receives it clicks on it, and then the Trojan virus which has been inserted into the file gets into that person's computer. Now, the hacker who has sent the Trojan-infected file can have complete access to the recipient's computer, with the ability to see everything that person does.
Elizabeth, you have basically admitted to me that you can see what I do on Facebook. You can see my people searches, whom I've sent a friend request to. I have wondered how you've been able to do this, but I always discounted that you may have simply guessed my password, because it's too random and idiosyncratic, and I've changed it a bunch of times anyway. But now it seems that you may have sent me a Trojan Horse virus, which - if that is the case - has allowed you to access my entire computer. On a side note, I have also Googled about Chromebooks, and everything I read tells me that Chrome is supposed to be virtually virus proof, but I know nothing about firewalls, don't know how they work, I know nothing about checking for viruses, etc.
Here is the part I really can't figure out, however : I did not have my Acer Chromebooks until June and November 2013, respectively. One at home, one at Pearl's. You had stopped talking to me directly and therefore stopped sending me song samples long before that. Our FB chats ended in September 2012. Now, when I got my first Acer, I believe I did download the mp3 of one of your song samples from our FB chats, onto the hard drive of the Acer. But the thing is, in your favor, how could you have known I would eventually get those Chromebooks for home use? After all, for the first 14 months I knew you, I used library computers. So why would you load a Trojan virus into an mp3 to send me on FB, when it would only go into a random Oviatt library computer used by dozens of students? And the library system would probably defeat the virus anyway? So, it doesn't make a lot of sense that you would have done that. I did download a song sample when I did get the first Chromebook a year later, but you had no way of knowing I would ever buy a home computer.
The only other thing I can figure is that it has something to do with my e-mail address. I remember that, at some point during our FB chats in 2012, you asked me for my e-mail address. You gave me some reason involving privacy, and it may have had something to do with your folks looking at your FB, I don't recall exactly. But I did give you my e-mail, and we communicated through e-mails for a little while while you were working on the Agalloch cover song. You may have sent me samples through my e-mail, and if so, if any of them had a Trojan virus, I supposed it could have later opened up in my Chromebooks after I purchased them. Those are all just guesses, and they are all I can think of with my limited computer knowledge.
The bottom line, however, is that you do have access to my computer. So far, you have only ever showed evidence of it on Facebook, and I wouldn't even have known it if you hadn't made it known, when you tipped your hand over my friend request to Lillian. But Elizabeth, because I know almost nothing about computers or viruses, or hacking, I have no choice but to assume the worst here; i.e. that you did indeed send me some kind of Trojan Horse virus and that you do indeed have access to both my Chromebooks.
I say "both" because you seem to know when I have put Lillian's name into the FB search, and I have sometimes done that on my Chromebook at Pearl's. The point is, though so far, you have only shown that you can get into my Facebook at will, I have to assume that you can get into my whole computer, and indeed both of them, both Chromebooks.
The question is what are we gonna do about this, Elizabeth?
I said at the beginning of this blog that at first, when you tipped your hand a few days ago, I wasn't really that upset, and that is 100% true. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't tremendously upset, either, as I would be if a stranger has hacked me.
But just like last year, it has had a delayed effect, and as the last few days have worn on, I have found myself becoming very frustrated and dismayed about the hacking, if not outright pissed.
It depresses me, because it is a huge deception, a violation of my trust. I really hope you can see that, but I have to say, I am not sure that you can, because after we went through this last year, I asked that the hacking be stopped (under the assumption that it was your parents). But the fact is that it has not stopped, and it turns out that it has been you who is doing it. You can see that it is wrong, can't you? I hope you can.
I've said that this latest realisation, that I've been hacked, has had a delayed effect, and Elizabeth, that is in your favor. Had this been a stranger, not only would I have been immediately outraged, but I would have contacted Facebook and Chrome to see what could be done about it, and if I'd discovered the stranger's identity, I'd have reported that person immediately. Anybody would do the same. I'm sure you would do the same.
But Elizabeth, because it has been you, I have done nothing. My problem, our problem, is what do I/we do now? I have to ask you - and I am gonna need an answer - how far does this hack go?
Do you have access to everything I do? To my banking information? My various passwords?
As I say, I have no choice but to assume the worst, and if it is the worst, I just have to say that if any action involved my other computer sites, like my banking or my Yahoo or any site that I use, I'd have no choice but to report it. Anyone would do the same. You would do the same. Please ask yourself how you would feel if someone hacked you. What would you do? How would you feel if I hacked you? Would you be as forgiving, as lenient as I have been?
So I really have to know if this hack is limited to FB, or if it is a full-on Trojan Horse full computer access of my Chromebooks.
And even if you tell me, I still don't know what to do. I don't wanna say "I don't trust you any more", because that isn't the case, but I really don't know if I should just trash my two Chromebooks and start over, or what?
That is why I need your help in finding a solution to this. Elizabeth, you felt confident enough to trust that I would not get really pissed off when you tipped your hand that you'd hacked me. Perhaps you felt it was legitimate because I had put Lillian's name into the FB search box.
Let me tell you something, even though I am not really pissed about it, nothing justifies your hacking of me. Nothing. I can understand that you have some trust issues because of what your family has been through, and that's a whole other subject, and very understandable and something I certainly have compassion for. But it gives you no right whatsoever to abuse my trust by putting a virus into my computer, or whatever you have done here. You might as well have broken into my apartment, or read my diary. The violation of privacy is the same.
The irony is that I have been pretty open with you about my life. I have never met you; never spoken with you; you don't even message me directly for three years now, and yet I have written, and - when the spirit moves me - I have tried to convey my innermost thoughts and feelings to you. When I've said "I Love You", I have meant it every single time.
You made an FB post earlier this afternoon, berlin-artparasite - that said "nothing changes until a pattern is broken", which obviously means "I've busted you again, Adam"! as far as whose name I put into the FB search box. But there is no justifying what you are doing.
You are still friends with Stephane, your own ex-boyfriend, and you have many other male friends, Johan for instance, who care a great deal for you, and who see you on at least somewhat of a regular basis.
I, on the other hand, have not seen nor talked to Lillian (minus unpleasant situations like court dates) since 1992, before you were born. All I've done is looked at her FB, which is mostly privatized anyway.
Elizabeth, I really do love and care for you, and I really have been thrilled to watch you grow into your career - which is gonna be successful and fantastic - and you have meant so much to me in so may ways .
And you still do, even with everything I have just written.
But I just don't know what to do here, and I am going to need your help if there is to be any kind of solution. I need to know to what extent this hacking has gone. Do I need to toss my Chromebooks and get new ones? My trust has been violated to the extent that I am not sure I'll ever be certain again that I'm not being hacked. I have been through so much major-league stuff in my life that I just don't need any more.
What I need and want is trust, honesty and love.
I hope we can repair this situation, but I am gonna need your help to do so.
I will be right here, of course, and on usual schedules, as usual. Please don't wait if you wanna fix this.
I know you are busy with your videos, and rightly so, and just to reassure you, I am genuinely not mad at you, just upset and perturbed at the situation, which absolutely cannot continue.
Let's fix it?
Adam
Monday, August 31, 2015
Happy Sunday Night
Happy Late Night, my Darling,
I hope you had a nice Sunday. We had good singing in church this morn and at practice afterwards. Not much else to report from today, though my friend Ono came over this evening with his doggie for a walk down to the Orange Grove and back.
You probably saw my posts about Wes Craven, and I am sure you know who he is just from the Nightmare On Elm Street movies, and maybe the Scream movies too, whether you like that kind of stuff or not. For me, he goes all the way back to 1977 when I saw "The Hills Have Eyes", which was really weird and unnerving for it's time, and which had a gritty realism that you don't see nowdays. That film immediately became one of my favorites, and Wes Craven was an early Horror Hero for me.
Another man who unfortunately passed away today was Dr. Wayne Dyer, the guy who - in his PBS tv specials - talked so much about the power of Intent. My Mom was a huge fan of his, and I saw his shows because of her. I am not normally a person who goes in for psychology or New Age mantras, but because Mom watched his shows many times, I listened to what he said about intention, and I began to understand the metaphysical context in which he meant the word, and that was how I came to paraphrase it myself, in various blogs I've written in the last few years. So thanks, Dr. Dyer. :)
I am guessing you were working on band videos this weekend. I hope you got good results!
I Love You and will see you in the morning. xoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxooxoxox :):)
I hope you had a nice Sunday. We had good singing in church this morn and at practice afterwards. Not much else to report from today, though my friend Ono came over this evening with his doggie for a walk down to the Orange Grove and back.
You probably saw my posts about Wes Craven, and I am sure you know who he is just from the Nightmare On Elm Street movies, and maybe the Scream movies too, whether you like that kind of stuff or not. For me, he goes all the way back to 1977 when I saw "The Hills Have Eyes", which was really weird and unnerving for it's time, and which had a gritty realism that you don't see nowdays. That film immediately became one of my favorites, and Wes Craven was an early Horror Hero for me.
Another man who unfortunately passed away today was Dr. Wayne Dyer, the guy who - in his PBS tv specials - talked so much about the power of Intent. My Mom was a huge fan of his, and I saw his shows because of her. I am not normally a person who goes in for psychology or New Age mantras, but because Mom watched his shows many times, I listened to what he said about intention, and I began to understand the metaphysical context in which he meant the word, and that was how I came to paraphrase it myself, in various blogs I've written in the last few years. So thanks, Dr. Dyer. :)
I am guessing you were working on band videos this weekend. I hope you got good results!
I Love You and will see you in the morning. xoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxooxoxox :):)
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Happy Saturday Late Night Love
Happy Late Night, my Darling,
How was your Saturday? Good, I hope. Mine was pretty good, just doing all the stuff I usually do. I did drive out to Sophie's place to take her shopping, but was back home by 1pm, and I watched a really good melodramatic Noir that I hadn't heard of before : "House Of Strangers" with Edward G. Robinson starring as an Italian immigrant in the 1930s who heads up a bank and tries to run the lives of his sons, who all work for him. He has charm but is also ruthless, and the sons come to slowly despise him. Susan Hayward is the love interest who helps favored son Richard Conte to break away from the family.
Quite a good script, and fantastic acting all around, especially from Edward G. and Hayward, and great b&w photography and 1930s-era sets. An epic movie, directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz, who made some classic pictures and won Academy Awards for Best Director twice.....
I love it when I find a good movie that I'd never heard of before, and I am doing that a lot this year. :)
The rest of the day was Usual Stuff. Tomorrow in church we will be singing a fairly well known spiritual, "Shall We Gather At The River", and I hope I can hit all the required high notes. This one has great harmonies and that's my favorite part of singing, the harmonizing.
I will be back around 12:30 to 1pm, after choir practice. Sweet Dreams until then!
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
How was your Saturday? Good, I hope. Mine was pretty good, just doing all the stuff I usually do. I did drive out to Sophie's place to take her shopping, but was back home by 1pm, and I watched a really good melodramatic Noir that I hadn't heard of before : "House Of Strangers" with Edward G. Robinson starring as an Italian immigrant in the 1930s who heads up a bank and tries to run the lives of his sons, who all work for him. He has charm but is also ruthless, and the sons come to slowly despise him. Susan Hayward is the love interest who helps favored son Richard Conte to break away from the family.
Quite a good script, and fantastic acting all around, especially from Edward G. and Hayward, and great b&w photography and 1930s-era sets. An epic movie, directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz, who made some classic pictures and won Academy Awards for Best Director twice.....
I love it when I find a good movie that I'd never heard of before, and I am doing that a lot this year. :)
The rest of the day was Usual Stuff. Tomorrow in church we will be singing a fairly well known spiritual, "Shall We Gather At The River", and I hope I can hit all the required high notes. This one has great harmonies and that's my favorite part of singing, the harmonizing.
I will be back around 12:30 to 1pm, after choir practice. Sweet Dreams until then!
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Friday, August 28, 2015
Happy Friday Love (Higher Dimensional Gilligan)
Good Evening, my Darling,
I am home, just checking in to wish you a nice Friday night. Hope you are doing something fun. :) I still didn't get out on a hike, but I will asap! Not tomorrow, because I've gotta take Sophie shopping, and not Sunday cause of church & choir, but soon there will be a flurry of activity, including two train trips Downtown before September 11, which is when my free tickets expire. So, a lot of stuff coming up.
I saw another band you posted this morn, one that just got signed, so maybe they are gonna be a new client? I hope so! Needless to say, I also liked your post right around 4:30, which I saw when I got to Pearl's. :):)
:):) = :), meaning me! That's an awesome equation as far as I'm concerned.
Well, it's one of those evenings where it's not gonna cool down til Midnight, if then, so I am gonna chill for a bit, read my book (working on Hoagland's "Dark Mission"), and then go for my walk later. I'll try to squeeze in a "Walking Dead" too, lol.
I will write more back at Pearl's. I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:40am : Happy Super Late Night, Sweet Baby. It took a while to get situated, but all is quiet now. I hope you had a nice evening. I was reading about Hyperdimensional Physics in the Torsion Field (aka the Aether) and how a rapidly spinning body such as a Pulsar is actually "gating" the energy to maintain it's spin through a vortex created by the spin.......so you know I had a good evening. :)
I guess that either makes me sound pompous or like a super nerd, but I seriously love to read this stuff, and then to try and visualise it, which is doggone near impossible. But I love the idea that The Whole Shebang is a system of gyroscopic energy tensions, an ever-changing Cat's Cradle based on the fluctuations of rotation of celestial bodies.
Sorry, I know I'm nutty. But if you read the stuff on HD physics, it really gives proof of Astrology as an ancient science, that all these rotational energies have an effect on our lives.
In other, more normal news, lol, I watched a "Walking Dead" episode, and earlier this eve, before I left Pearl's during my afternoon shift, I discovered she had TV Land on her cable subscription, and I wound up seeing my first episode of "Gilligan's Island" since perhaps the end of the 20th Century. Seriously, I don't think I'd seen one since about 1998, and of course it's my all-time favorite show. It's like The Beatles of TV Shows for me, I started watching it in 1964 when it began, and because of decades of re-runs I've probably seen each episode at least 50 times. Tonight was the "Ghost" episode, and even though I hadn't seen the show for 17 years, it was like no time had passed.
I still know all the dialogue.
That's all I know for tonight, my Darling. Tomorrow I will leave at about 11am to go take my sister Sophie shopping, but I will be here before that, and then I'll be back probably by about 1:30 or so.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I am home, just checking in to wish you a nice Friday night. Hope you are doing something fun. :) I still didn't get out on a hike, but I will asap! Not tomorrow, because I've gotta take Sophie shopping, and not Sunday cause of church & choir, but soon there will be a flurry of activity, including two train trips Downtown before September 11, which is when my free tickets expire. So, a lot of stuff coming up.
I saw another band you posted this morn, one that just got signed, so maybe they are gonna be a new client? I hope so! Needless to say, I also liked your post right around 4:30, which I saw when I got to Pearl's. :):)
:):) = :), meaning me! That's an awesome equation as far as I'm concerned.
Well, it's one of those evenings where it's not gonna cool down til Midnight, if then, so I am gonna chill for a bit, read my book (working on Hoagland's "Dark Mission"), and then go for my walk later. I'll try to squeeze in a "Walking Dead" too, lol.
I will write more back at Pearl's. I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:40am : Happy Super Late Night, Sweet Baby. It took a while to get situated, but all is quiet now. I hope you had a nice evening. I was reading about Hyperdimensional Physics in the Torsion Field (aka the Aether) and how a rapidly spinning body such as a Pulsar is actually "gating" the energy to maintain it's spin through a vortex created by the spin.......so you know I had a good evening. :)
I guess that either makes me sound pompous or like a super nerd, but I seriously love to read this stuff, and then to try and visualise it, which is doggone near impossible. But I love the idea that The Whole Shebang is a system of gyroscopic energy tensions, an ever-changing Cat's Cradle based on the fluctuations of rotation of celestial bodies.
Sorry, I know I'm nutty. But if you read the stuff on HD physics, it really gives proof of Astrology as an ancient science, that all these rotational energies have an effect on our lives.
In other, more normal news, lol, I watched a "Walking Dead" episode, and earlier this eve, before I left Pearl's during my afternoon shift, I discovered she had TV Land on her cable subscription, and I wound up seeing my first episode of "Gilligan's Island" since perhaps the end of the 20th Century. Seriously, I don't think I'd seen one since about 1998, and of course it's my all-time favorite show. It's like The Beatles of TV Shows for me, I started watching it in 1964 when it began, and because of decades of re-runs I've probably seen each episode at least 50 times. Tonight was the "Ghost" episode, and even though I hadn't seen the show for 17 years, it was like no time had passed.
I still know all the dialogue.
That's all I know for tonight, my Darling. Tomorrow I will leave at about 11am to go take my sister Sophie shopping, but I will be here before that, and then I'll be back probably by about 1:30 or so.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Welles + 'Sconsin = Wellesconsin.
Hi, my Darling,
Happy Late Night. Tonight began the Fall semester Film Retrospective at CSUN, and as I may have mentioned, we are doing Orson Welles this time around. He's a Wisconsin boy, so you're in good company (and vice-versa, so is Welles!). He did not make enough feature films to fill out 15 weeks, so tonight we started off with a documentary about the man called "Magician".
I think I may have mentioned all of this to you previously. But anyway, I did not know a lot about Orson Welles, only the main things he was famous for, the 1939 "War Of The Worlds" radio broadcast, "Citizen Kane", and a few other films. He had kind of a hard career, because he wanted to make films his way, in the age of the Studio System in Hollywood, when directors did not often have final cut on their films, or too much creative freedom period. Plus, he came out of the gate at 26 with "Citizen Kane", which was a work of creative genius and at the same time made a lot of powerful people mad because of the subject matter.
Speaking of Wisconsin people, I posted a small article a couple weeks ago about a film studio called Triangle Film Corporation, which preceded MGM Studios on the same gigantic lot in Culver City. Triangle was in the game at the beginning of the film business, in the silent era, and it was founded in 1915 by the Aitken brothers of Wisconsin, who are credited according to Wiki as being influential in the creation of the Hollywood Studio System. So there you have it! The 'Sconsin Influence is clear. :)
Hey - everybody out here in California came from the Midwest. At least, back in the old days they did.
Also got my hair cut today. My last cut was back in May, so it was getting kinda straggly. You, of course, have incredible hair, a fact amply demonstrated by the stunning self portrait you have recently posted at your professional website. My goodness, woman!
That is a beautiful picture of you.
My hair is quite a bit shorter now, but it looks good. Next time I may try for some color.......or I may chicken out. Let me know what I should do, color or no color. I can't decide. :)
I hope you had an awesome day. I liked your behind the scenes photographs from the Good Morning V shoot. Keep shooting, keep posting!
I Love You and will see you in the morn.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo :):)
Happy Late Night. Tonight began the Fall semester Film Retrospective at CSUN, and as I may have mentioned, we are doing Orson Welles this time around. He's a Wisconsin boy, so you're in good company (and vice-versa, so is Welles!). He did not make enough feature films to fill out 15 weeks, so tonight we started off with a documentary about the man called "Magician".
I think I may have mentioned all of this to you previously. But anyway, I did not know a lot about Orson Welles, only the main things he was famous for, the 1939 "War Of The Worlds" radio broadcast, "Citizen Kane", and a few other films. He had kind of a hard career, because he wanted to make films his way, in the age of the Studio System in Hollywood, when directors did not often have final cut on their films, or too much creative freedom period. Plus, he came out of the gate at 26 with "Citizen Kane", which was a work of creative genius and at the same time made a lot of powerful people mad because of the subject matter.
Speaking of Wisconsin people, I posted a small article a couple weeks ago about a film studio called Triangle Film Corporation, which preceded MGM Studios on the same gigantic lot in Culver City. Triangle was in the game at the beginning of the film business, in the silent era, and it was founded in 1915 by the Aitken brothers of Wisconsin, who are credited according to Wiki as being influential in the creation of the Hollywood Studio System. So there you have it! The 'Sconsin Influence is clear. :)
Hey - everybody out here in California came from the Midwest. At least, back in the old days they did.
Also got my hair cut today. My last cut was back in May, so it was getting kinda straggly. You, of course, have incredible hair, a fact amply demonstrated by the stunning self portrait you have recently posted at your professional website. My goodness, woman!
That is a beautiful picture of you.
My hair is quite a bit shorter now, but it looks good. Next time I may try for some color.......or I may chicken out. Let me know what I should do, color or no color. I can't decide. :)
I hope you had an awesome day. I liked your behind the scenes photographs from the Good Morning V shoot. Keep shooting, keep posting!
I Love You and will see you in the morn.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo :):)
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Love From Home On Wednesday Eve (dogs)
Good Evening, my Darling,
I am home from Pearl's and just wanted to check in say hi. I hope your day was good. I woke up with a bit of a sinus headache, which sometimes happens when I go to sleep with the fan on. I had wanted to do a hike, but when I got home this morning I realised I'd left my hiking boots at Pearl's, and that, plus the headache, convinced me to postpone the hike til Friday. Instead I stayed in and watched a movie from my Warner Gangsters collection, one I had not yet seen, "Each Dawn I Die". Great title, right? In the 1930s, when gangster movies were big, they had a lot of them that took place in a prison, and this was one such movie, hence the title - each dawn, James Cagney wakes up still in prison and "dies" on the inside. He's in there, only he's been framed and is really innocent. That was another big theme for these kind of movies, The Guy Who Was Framed. :) This one was really good, one of the best 1930s Prison Movies that I've seen, and it co-starred George Raft, so you know it's a winner.
I took an Advil around 3pm and am now feeling much better, so I'll go for my walk in a while and do all my Usual Stuff. I have started The Walking Dead, and am three episodes in, and it's good but I'm not sure yet if I can do six seasons of really, really gross Zombie violence. Check back with me after a few more episodes.
I'll write more back at Pearl's. I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:10am : Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby. I am here in the kitchen, listening to KUSC, got my Shakespeare book nearby for good energy. I hope you had a nice evening. I loved your post of the doggie at the top of the mountain. He or she had a great face and looked happy to be up there! Wouldn't it be great to go for a hike, me and you, and to have a dog to bring along? I think so. :):)
I have gotten into small dogs ever since I got to know The Kobester, and he is indeed mighty despite his diminutive stature, but I think for hiking you need a fairly good sized dog. I could be wrong about that, though. But I was thinking about my own past dogs because of National Dog Day, and I think it would be great to have another Lab one day. My brother's post of our Shepherd/Huskie mix Egor got me to thinking about him and his partner Shemp, who was a wild 'n crazy Lab mix. My favorites though, were my doggies Alice and Trixie, a purebred black Lab and her mixed-breed blonde daughter, who looked like a Lab but skinnier. Those dogs were awesome, loyal and durable, and could've climbed any mountain I was able to climb myself (except I didn't hike in those days, lol).
Yeah, it would be fun to have another Lab. Or any nice dog, really. When I see a face like the doggie in your post, it melts me. I can remember that it used to be said that "dogs don't have facial expressions", as if they weren't capable of expressing their feelings which would naturally come out on their face.
Not true at all! Dogs have some of the most amazing smiles of all creatures. I love dogs and I know you do too.
I can remember Molly, the first family dog in my lifetime. She was a Cocker Spaniel. We had her til about 1966. Then we had Schroeder, a Dachshund, from 1968 to 1970. He was kind of irascable and my Dad gave him away because he chewed and peed on the legs of Dad's Kawai Baby Grand Piano. Then we had Gretchen, who I think was a Weimaraner, but she was a hunter and kept killing rats and squirrels in the ivy and leaving them on our back porch, like "look what I brought ya"! So Dad gave her away, too.
Then we didn't have any dogs until we got Shemp from the dog pound in 1977.
And the rest was history! Shemp and Egor - 1977-1988, Alice and Trixie - 1988 - 1997.
Lab City for twenty years. So we will get another Lab one day. And any other kind of Good Doggie, too.
That all I know for tonight, my girl. I will see you in the morning and then at 11:30 I will get my haircut too, during Pearl's appointment at the salon.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Sweet Dreams....
I am home from Pearl's and just wanted to check in say hi. I hope your day was good. I woke up with a bit of a sinus headache, which sometimes happens when I go to sleep with the fan on. I had wanted to do a hike, but when I got home this morning I realised I'd left my hiking boots at Pearl's, and that, plus the headache, convinced me to postpone the hike til Friday. Instead I stayed in and watched a movie from my Warner Gangsters collection, one I had not yet seen, "Each Dawn I Die". Great title, right? In the 1930s, when gangster movies were big, they had a lot of them that took place in a prison, and this was one such movie, hence the title - each dawn, James Cagney wakes up still in prison and "dies" on the inside. He's in there, only he's been framed and is really innocent. That was another big theme for these kind of movies, The Guy Who Was Framed. :) This one was really good, one of the best 1930s Prison Movies that I've seen, and it co-starred George Raft, so you know it's a winner.
I took an Advil around 3pm and am now feeling much better, so I'll go for my walk in a while and do all my Usual Stuff. I have started The Walking Dead, and am three episodes in, and it's good but I'm not sure yet if I can do six seasons of really, really gross Zombie violence. Check back with me after a few more episodes.
I'll write more back at Pearl's. I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:10am : Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby. I am here in the kitchen, listening to KUSC, got my Shakespeare book nearby for good energy. I hope you had a nice evening. I loved your post of the doggie at the top of the mountain. He or she had a great face and looked happy to be up there! Wouldn't it be great to go for a hike, me and you, and to have a dog to bring along? I think so. :):)
I have gotten into small dogs ever since I got to know The Kobester, and he is indeed mighty despite his diminutive stature, but I think for hiking you need a fairly good sized dog. I could be wrong about that, though. But I was thinking about my own past dogs because of National Dog Day, and I think it would be great to have another Lab one day. My brother's post of our Shepherd/Huskie mix Egor got me to thinking about him and his partner Shemp, who was a wild 'n crazy Lab mix. My favorites though, were my doggies Alice and Trixie, a purebred black Lab and her mixed-breed blonde daughter, who looked like a Lab but skinnier. Those dogs were awesome, loyal and durable, and could've climbed any mountain I was able to climb myself (except I didn't hike in those days, lol).
Yeah, it would be fun to have another Lab. Or any nice dog, really. When I see a face like the doggie in your post, it melts me. I can remember that it used to be said that "dogs don't have facial expressions", as if they weren't capable of expressing their feelings which would naturally come out on their face.
Not true at all! Dogs have some of the most amazing smiles of all creatures. I love dogs and I know you do too.
I can remember Molly, the first family dog in my lifetime. She was a Cocker Spaniel. We had her til about 1966. Then we had Schroeder, a Dachshund, from 1968 to 1970. He was kind of irascable and my Dad gave him away because he chewed and peed on the legs of Dad's Kawai Baby Grand Piano. Then we had Gretchen, who I think was a Weimaraner, but she was a hunter and kept killing rats and squirrels in the ivy and leaving them on our back porch, like "look what I brought ya"! So Dad gave her away, too.
Then we didn't have any dogs until we got Shemp from the dog pound in 1977.
And the rest was history! Shemp and Egor - 1977-1988, Alice and Trixie - 1988 - 1997.
Lab City for twenty years. So we will get another Lab one day. And any other kind of Good Doggie, too.
That all I know for tonight, my girl. I will see you in the morning and then at 11:30 I will get my haircut too, during Pearl's appointment at the salon.
I Love You! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Sweet Dreams....
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Tuesday Morning Love :):) (an attempt at explanation) (Love From Home) (love means no worries)
Good Morning, Elizabeth,
I am still at Pearl's, and won't be home until after I take her to Golden Agers at 11am, but I just wanted to tell you that I saw your post, berlin-artparasite. It says a lot to me, and I don't want to just give a brief response, so I'll have to wait until I get home, but I will say - as to the main point of the message - that there is ZERO CHANCE of that ever happening.
Read what it says again, and then know that it will never happen. You will never lose me, ever. Period.
More when I get home.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:30am : Hi again, my Darling. I am home. Golden Agers was cancelled due to a wedding at church, so I had to take Pearl back to her house, but anyway, here I am. Everything I am gonna say here is said with a giant hug and kiss, and a Ton Of Love. Also, don't worry about that preface, lol. Don't ya hate it when somebody prefaces a message with "everything I am gonna say here"? Cause it sounds like it's gonna be a doom-laden message, or a bunch of Heavy, Depressing Stuff. But with me, you know it's not gonna be that. It's just my thoughts on things, as always. And offered with as much love as you can possibly handle, and even more. :):)
The first thing I wanna say, is thanks very much for your post this morning, the berlin-artparasite. I know it must not always be easy to locate a post that says what you want to say, and it can be time consuming, etc. So thanks, because that post seemed to hit the nail on the head, and what's more, it was very honest, in the sense that I referred to last night, when I said "we will probably both be talking about the same thing".
Which brings me to the second thing I want to say. Here is where the Gigantic Hug and Kiss come in, because this especially is said with nothing but love. Somehow, you seem to be able to see what I am doing on my FB, and perhaps my entire computer as well. I brought up this issue last Summer, as you know. Back then, I referred to it as hacking, and I thought it might be someone like your folks, worried about a guy my age talking to their daughter. Now, with the Chris Willman post yesterday, you have kind of tipped your hand that it's you, and really, you have kind of shown that on one or two previous occasions as well. But the thing is, you are being honest about it, or at least it is out in the open. Whatever you are doing that allows you to see my "clicks" on FB (i.e. what I look at) is something I cannot figure out. I have even Googled about hacking, and hacking FB, and hacking a Chromebook, and from what I read - by experts, mind you - they say that a Chromebook basically cannot be hacked, or is very difficult to do so.
Of course, I know next to nothing about computers, so the technical language they use is something I don't have the patience for. I do know how to check for other devices on my accounts and stuff like that, but the bottom line is that I am stumped. If you are able to see what I do on FB, and it appears that you are able to do so, then I truly have no idea how you are doing it. I know that you are a technical wizard yourself, and that you grew up around a lot of techies. I would just say to be careful about this kind of stuff, because what you have seems to me to be NSA-level tech skills. No joking about that. I may not be a techie, but I am no slouch when it comes to figuring things out, and this abilty to see what I do on FB (and possibly my entire computer) is something I absolutely have not been able to figure out. So, it's an NSA-level skill, and again, I'd be careful about using things like that.
Having said that, you may or may not believe this, but I do not really care if you look at what I do on FB. It did bother me a lot last Summer, when I first discovered it, but even then you were upfront about it, at least by letting me in on it, in a symbolic way, when I sent that Friend Request to Lillian. That's when you first tipped your hand that you could do this, that you could see what I was doing on my own personal FB, which is supposedly locked down to outside viewers. How an outside viewer could see another person's friend request is something I cannot figure out, but you were apparently able to do so. But again, you were honest about it. You let me know "I don't like this"! by posting symbolic messages that you knew I'd understand (water lillies, etc). This time it was Chris Willman.
Last year, all of that made me very upset, and I thought it was your parents who were behind it. Now, you have kind of shown that it's you.
The thing is, it doesn't actually bother me that much. First of all, it's you who is doing it. I'd prefer it if you didn't, but I understand why you do, and you have been upfront about it, at least when you see me doing something that you don't like. That "something" is something very specific, and we both know what it is, and I can see - especially when you make a post like berlin-artparasite this morning - that it causes you to worry. A post like that goes straight to my heart, and it touches me very deeply, so that I think, "how can I be mad about this"? And the truth is that I cannot, and I am not mad about the hacking (if that is what I should call it), because I can see it is coming from the heart. The heart can be filled with all kinds of feelings, including fear and worry, and I understand those feelings quite well. I should add, in my defense, that a lot of guys, and a lot of people in general, would be extremely upset about having their FB moves looked at, in secret, by another person. Many would take some kind of action.
But the difference with me, is that in a way, you have almost kind of trusted me not to do that. Not to get upset. By showing me that you can "see" my FB moves, you have said, in a way, "Adam, I can see what you're doing, and I don't like it, and I am gonna show you that I don't like it, but I also know that you're not gonna get mad at me".
And do you know what, Elizabeth? You are exactly right! And, in a way, it shows a "trusting" of me, by you. You are trusting me not to get mad at you - when almost anybody else would - by showing me what you can do. So, that says to me that you know me pretty well, and that makes me happy, believe it or not. Even if I would prefer you did not look at what I do on FB, you have been honest about it, and you have trusted me not to get upset about it, and finally, I can't do anything about it and wouldn't do anything anyway because I love you, and you know that. So that's where things stand with the hacking.
The berlin-artparasite post refers to a fear of losing something. From the painting in the post, it looks like a reference to fear of losing someone.
I repeat and reiterate this, Elizabeth: you are never going to lose me. The only way you could ever lose me is if you got tired of me, decided I was boring, or found a guy you really liked who was in closer proximity to you than I am. The only way you could ever lose me would be through a decision of your own, and I hope that never happens because I love you and you are beyond special to me. We have this intuitive relationship that is one-in-a-million, because how could two people just out of the blue meet, then connect immediately, and then understand each other and love each other in this intuitive way that we have? It was meant to happen.
If you could be in my shoes, however, you'd see that the reverse has been true as well. I worry too, and I've mentioned it a million times. You, being a Sagittarius, have a trillion friends, and many of them are guys. Those guys like you a lot, and no doubt some of them wouldn't mind being more than just your friend. They all live nearby you, or in proximity (Chicago, etc), while here I am 2000 miles away. I have to just watch all these guys hanging out with you, and just let it go, and I do. It was bugging me there for a while, but as time went by, I just thought, well, Elizabeth has a lot of guy friends and if something serious develops, I trust that she'll tell me. And when I say "I will understand" if that ever does happen, I mean it in all honesty, because I am out here in Los Angeles, and I am older, and it would be certainly understandable if you ever decided you really liked one of those guys who are closer in age and who live nearer to you than I do. So please put yourself in my shoes, is all I ask. I would never in a million years protest you having male friends, or hanging out with them, going places with them, etc. They are part of your life, and I am not at all the kind of person who tries to change another person or try to put restrictions on them. All I have ever asked is that you tell me if anything ever began to get serious with one of these guys, and I trust that you would, and I would indeed understand because it would be natural, because of proximity and similar age. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, I will honestly understand.
The other thing, and again do not forget that we are having this discussion with hugs and kisses and tons of love - is that we have not talked to each other directly in three years now. That is a very long time. And when I say "talked", I mean by text. I still have never actually spoken to you, let alone met you.
All of that is okay, but it would be great if I at least knew what to expect. Is it going to be this way permanently? For the forseeable future? Or maybe you just don't know for sure, and that is perfectly fine. As you have seen, I have never stopped writing to you, or posting on FB - every day - and using the form of communication we have developed. That right there should be sign that you are never gonna lose me, lol. I have always written and posted, almost every day, even though we haven't talked directly for three years, and even though you have given me no indication when we might talk again.
So again, there is what I hope for, and what I am fine with. I hope we will one day have real communication, but I am fine with the fact that we currently do not, because I understand a lot of factors involved. I understand that you are just getting underway with your career (and it is a wonderful thing for me to watch!), and I understand that you are only just out of college and living at home, and not only would I never rush things, or insist on things, I would actually do the opposite and encourage you to take time with your life. That is what I talk so much about; taking time with things, getting a feel for things, never rushing a decision, always keeping family close and strong in your life and in your heart. I think is is beyond awesome that your Mom seems to be supportive of you, and I always encourage love among family members, and patience.
So I am fine with everything that's going on, really. But I can see that you worry about what you see on my FB, and you have even asked me - through your posts - not to think about the past, or memories, etc.
This is where a problem can develop, and again remember that no problem is so serious that it doesn't have a solution. The problem here, is that what happened to me in 1989, was very serious. It was so serious that to this day, it's not only never been resolved, it's never been talked about, period. It's flat-out never been acknowledged by anyone but myself. I don't wanna go on a huge tangent about it, except to say that I have continued to study it, and to examine it, because it has never been explained to me. For instance, I was kidnapped during this series of events by a crazy man. I still, 26 years later, do not know exactly who he was or why he kidnapped me, or what exactly happened to him. There are so many details to what happened in 1989, that it took me almost 800 pages to write it all down, which I did back in 2006-7. So many things happened, involving a lot of people, that it has taken me years to attempt to put all the pieces together. I have even written Freedom Of Information Act requests to the FBI and various other agencies, in an attempt to find any bit of information about this, but it has all been to no avail. Many people would just say, "well why don't you just give up"? And of course I have had that said to me, among other things. The only way I could even try to explain it to you would be in person. Please understand, though, that what happened in 1989 is not merely some "bad memories", like a harsh breakup of a relationship, but something very, very overwhelming and profound, involving many people, many situations, and thousands of details, many of them so strange as to strain belief. I don't just "let it go" because I can't. To do so would be profoundly wrong.
All I have ever sought was simply the truth of what happened, and the whole truth. Lillian was involved in it with me, and it's as simple as that. None of it is her fault, the whole thing in it's entirety goes way beyond that, and it goes so far beyond the level of normal understanding that you really have to do the kind of reading and research I've done for all of these years to even begin to understand it. As weird as it sounds, it seems to have something to do with my life, though I am not entirely sure what that is.
But the truth is important in life, and there are ways to bring about hidden truths - or at least try to bring them out into the open - without hurting anyone, without blame or vengeance or anything negative, and that is what I hope to do, eventually. All I can tell you, is that if I could prove what happened here in 1989, and get it on TV, it would be one of the biggest stories you've ever heard, and certainly one of the weirdest. That may or may never happen, and personally I would be satisfied if someone just gave me a thorough explanation of it all, and of every detail I have wondered about for all these years.
But it is the central issue of my life, because it is my life. It seems to involve something very unusual.
I have promised not to write about it in my blogs, and that is not an easy promise to keep, but I am trying because I know it bothers you. In the future, I may have to write about certain inexplicable aspects of it because it helps me to do so, it helps me to understand it. But I don't want you to worry about it.
I hope I have explained all of this to some satisfactory degree, If I haven't, and if you have any questions just let me know. We have to be big people in this life, larger than life really. And we have to be understanding.
I Love You, Elizabeth. You are never going to lose me. I hope I never lose you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
7:15pm : Good Evening, my Darling Elizabeth. I saw your posts while I was at Pearl's, and I loved them. :):) We can of course get married, but we will have to have patience because we will have to take the necessary steps to do so, the first being to have actual communication, and I know you know this, so all I am saying for now is for both of us to have patience, and I know you know that to. :)
Above all, I want you not to worry about things. Everything is good, and everything will be good, and you can count on that. So please don't worry. Right now I am gonna relax for a little while and do The Usual, my reading and my walk. Maybe watch an episode of Walking Dead or X-Files. I will write more when I get back to Pearl's.
I Love You and you are so very special to me.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:15am : Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby. I hope you had a nice evening and are feeling good about things once again. I think that if we just both go with the flow, things will work out the way we want them to. From my angle, going with the flow means having patience, and I have tried to and will keep doing so. It is awesome and beautiful to say we will be married, and we can indeed say that. But because I must also have patience, I know I cannot also make ultimatums, and say, "c'mon - you have to start talking to me". I will never make ultimatums, but I will trust you to eventually begin to communicate directly with me, because obviously that's the only way we can take the steps that will lead to marriage.
Eventually, we will get to know each other in real life. I will trust in that.
We can talk about a million things one day, and won't that be incredible? I think it will, and I hope you think so too.
I have this one big issue in my life that's very complex, and it comes along with being with me, much like if you wanted to marry a secret agent or even a baseball player. I don't have a career, per se, but I do earn a living, and I have something of importance that is my main focus, at least until I can get to the truth of it. Then I can move onto something else weird, lol.
At any rate, rest easy my girl. I want you to know that I know what it feels like to worry about things, especially when your adult life is just getting underway. I want you to be reassured, though, and I want you to think tonight about all the different kinds of thoughts and philosophies we have talked about over the years. Think about the Glimpses. Remember them? The glimpses of things, things that cannot be described, only felt.....
Also, please keep in mind all these years - days, weeks and months - of me writing to you, to share these things, and you have certainly shared them back with me.
Right now, I can only wait until you are able to have direct communication with me. I can't, and won't, force that issue. But I will wait. No problem there at all. In the meantime, everything can just go on as it has. All I ask is that you please understand that my life is what it is, and because of the extraordinary nature of my experience in life, it is part of who I am.
But if you married me, we'd still do a ton of regular stuff like go to movies, walk the dog, fly kites, etc.
Life is huge, life is magic, life is a blast, life is weird and awesome, and you are in my life permanently, and you will never lose me because I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
I am still at Pearl's, and won't be home until after I take her to Golden Agers at 11am, but I just wanted to tell you that I saw your post, berlin-artparasite. It says a lot to me, and I don't want to just give a brief response, so I'll have to wait until I get home, but I will say - as to the main point of the message - that there is ZERO CHANCE of that ever happening.
Read what it says again, and then know that it will never happen. You will never lose me, ever. Period.
More when I get home.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:30am : Hi again, my Darling. I am home. Golden Agers was cancelled due to a wedding at church, so I had to take Pearl back to her house, but anyway, here I am. Everything I am gonna say here is said with a giant hug and kiss, and a Ton Of Love. Also, don't worry about that preface, lol. Don't ya hate it when somebody prefaces a message with "everything I am gonna say here"? Cause it sounds like it's gonna be a doom-laden message, or a bunch of Heavy, Depressing Stuff. But with me, you know it's not gonna be that. It's just my thoughts on things, as always. And offered with as much love as you can possibly handle, and even more. :):)
The first thing I wanna say, is thanks very much for your post this morning, the berlin-artparasite. I know it must not always be easy to locate a post that says what you want to say, and it can be time consuming, etc. So thanks, because that post seemed to hit the nail on the head, and what's more, it was very honest, in the sense that I referred to last night, when I said "we will probably both be talking about the same thing".
Which brings me to the second thing I want to say. Here is where the Gigantic Hug and Kiss come in, because this especially is said with nothing but love. Somehow, you seem to be able to see what I am doing on my FB, and perhaps my entire computer as well. I brought up this issue last Summer, as you know. Back then, I referred to it as hacking, and I thought it might be someone like your folks, worried about a guy my age talking to their daughter. Now, with the Chris Willman post yesterday, you have kind of tipped your hand that it's you, and really, you have kind of shown that on one or two previous occasions as well. But the thing is, you are being honest about it, or at least it is out in the open. Whatever you are doing that allows you to see my "clicks" on FB (i.e. what I look at) is something I cannot figure out. I have even Googled about hacking, and hacking FB, and hacking a Chromebook, and from what I read - by experts, mind you - they say that a Chromebook basically cannot be hacked, or is very difficult to do so.
Of course, I know next to nothing about computers, so the technical language they use is something I don't have the patience for. I do know how to check for other devices on my accounts and stuff like that, but the bottom line is that I am stumped. If you are able to see what I do on FB, and it appears that you are able to do so, then I truly have no idea how you are doing it. I know that you are a technical wizard yourself, and that you grew up around a lot of techies. I would just say to be careful about this kind of stuff, because what you have seems to me to be NSA-level tech skills. No joking about that. I may not be a techie, but I am no slouch when it comes to figuring things out, and this abilty to see what I do on FB (and possibly my entire computer) is something I absolutely have not been able to figure out. So, it's an NSA-level skill, and again, I'd be careful about using things like that.
Having said that, you may or may not believe this, but I do not really care if you look at what I do on FB. It did bother me a lot last Summer, when I first discovered it, but even then you were upfront about it, at least by letting me in on it, in a symbolic way, when I sent that Friend Request to Lillian. That's when you first tipped your hand that you could do this, that you could see what I was doing on my own personal FB, which is supposedly locked down to outside viewers. How an outside viewer could see another person's friend request is something I cannot figure out, but you were apparently able to do so. But again, you were honest about it. You let me know "I don't like this"! by posting symbolic messages that you knew I'd understand (water lillies, etc). This time it was Chris Willman.
Last year, all of that made me very upset, and I thought it was your parents who were behind it. Now, you have kind of shown that it's you.
The thing is, it doesn't actually bother me that much. First of all, it's you who is doing it. I'd prefer it if you didn't, but I understand why you do, and you have been upfront about it, at least when you see me doing something that you don't like. That "something" is something very specific, and we both know what it is, and I can see - especially when you make a post like berlin-artparasite this morning - that it causes you to worry. A post like that goes straight to my heart, and it touches me very deeply, so that I think, "how can I be mad about this"? And the truth is that I cannot, and I am not mad about the hacking (if that is what I should call it), because I can see it is coming from the heart. The heart can be filled with all kinds of feelings, including fear and worry, and I understand those feelings quite well. I should add, in my defense, that a lot of guys, and a lot of people in general, would be extremely upset about having their FB moves looked at, in secret, by another person. Many would take some kind of action.
But the difference with me, is that in a way, you have almost kind of trusted me not to do that. Not to get upset. By showing me that you can "see" my FB moves, you have said, in a way, "Adam, I can see what you're doing, and I don't like it, and I am gonna show you that I don't like it, but I also know that you're not gonna get mad at me".
And do you know what, Elizabeth? You are exactly right! And, in a way, it shows a "trusting" of me, by you. You are trusting me not to get mad at you - when almost anybody else would - by showing me what you can do. So, that says to me that you know me pretty well, and that makes me happy, believe it or not. Even if I would prefer you did not look at what I do on FB, you have been honest about it, and you have trusted me not to get upset about it, and finally, I can't do anything about it and wouldn't do anything anyway because I love you, and you know that. So that's where things stand with the hacking.
The berlin-artparasite post refers to a fear of losing something. From the painting in the post, it looks like a reference to fear of losing someone.
I repeat and reiterate this, Elizabeth: you are never going to lose me. The only way you could ever lose me is if you got tired of me, decided I was boring, or found a guy you really liked who was in closer proximity to you than I am. The only way you could ever lose me would be through a decision of your own, and I hope that never happens because I love you and you are beyond special to me. We have this intuitive relationship that is one-in-a-million, because how could two people just out of the blue meet, then connect immediately, and then understand each other and love each other in this intuitive way that we have? It was meant to happen.
If you could be in my shoes, however, you'd see that the reverse has been true as well. I worry too, and I've mentioned it a million times. You, being a Sagittarius, have a trillion friends, and many of them are guys. Those guys like you a lot, and no doubt some of them wouldn't mind being more than just your friend. They all live nearby you, or in proximity (Chicago, etc), while here I am 2000 miles away. I have to just watch all these guys hanging out with you, and just let it go, and I do. It was bugging me there for a while, but as time went by, I just thought, well, Elizabeth has a lot of guy friends and if something serious develops, I trust that she'll tell me. And when I say "I will understand" if that ever does happen, I mean it in all honesty, because I am out here in Los Angeles, and I am older, and it would be certainly understandable if you ever decided you really liked one of those guys who are closer in age and who live nearer to you than I do. So please put yourself in my shoes, is all I ask. I would never in a million years protest you having male friends, or hanging out with them, going places with them, etc. They are part of your life, and I am not at all the kind of person who tries to change another person or try to put restrictions on them. All I have ever asked is that you tell me if anything ever began to get serious with one of these guys, and I trust that you would, and I would indeed understand because it would be natural, because of proximity and similar age. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, I will honestly understand.
The other thing, and again do not forget that we are having this discussion with hugs and kisses and tons of love - is that we have not talked to each other directly in three years now. That is a very long time. And when I say "talked", I mean by text. I still have never actually spoken to you, let alone met you.
All of that is okay, but it would be great if I at least knew what to expect. Is it going to be this way permanently? For the forseeable future? Or maybe you just don't know for sure, and that is perfectly fine. As you have seen, I have never stopped writing to you, or posting on FB - every day - and using the form of communication we have developed. That right there should be sign that you are never gonna lose me, lol. I have always written and posted, almost every day, even though we haven't talked directly for three years, and even though you have given me no indication when we might talk again.
So again, there is what I hope for, and what I am fine with. I hope we will one day have real communication, but I am fine with the fact that we currently do not, because I understand a lot of factors involved. I understand that you are just getting underway with your career (and it is a wonderful thing for me to watch!), and I understand that you are only just out of college and living at home, and not only would I never rush things, or insist on things, I would actually do the opposite and encourage you to take time with your life. That is what I talk so much about; taking time with things, getting a feel for things, never rushing a decision, always keeping family close and strong in your life and in your heart. I think is is beyond awesome that your Mom seems to be supportive of you, and I always encourage love among family members, and patience.
So I am fine with everything that's going on, really. But I can see that you worry about what you see on my FB, and you have even asked me - through your posts - not to think about the past, or memories, etc.
This is where a problem can develop, and again remember that no problem is so serious that it doesn't have a solution. The problem here, is that what happened to me in 1989, was very serious. It was so serious that to this day, it's not only never been resolved, it's never been talked about, period. It's flat-out never been acknowledged by anyone but myself. I don't wanna go on a huge tangent about it, except to say that I have continued to study it, and to examine it, because it has never been explained to me. For instance, I was kidnapped during this series of events by a crazy man. I still, 26 years later, do not know exactly who he was or why he kidnapped me, or what exactly happened to him. There are so many details to what happened in 1989, that it took me almost 800 pages to write it all down, which I did back in 2006-7. So many things happened, involving a lot of people, that it has taken me years to attempt to put all the pieces together. I have even written Freedom Of Information Act requests to the FBI and various other agencies, in an attempt to find any bit of information about this, but it has all been to no avail. Many people would just say, "well why don't you just give up"? And of course I have had that said to me, among other things. The only way I could even try to explain it to you would be in person. Please understand, though, that what happened in 1989 is not merely some "bad memories", like a harsh breakup of a relationship, but something very, very overwhelming and profound, involving many people, many situations, and thousands of details, many of them so strange as to strain belief. I don't just "let it go" because I can't. To do so would be profoundly wrong.
All I have ever sought was simply the truth of what happened, and the whole truth. Lillian was involved in it with me, and it's as simple as that. None of it is her fault, the whole thing in it's entirety goes way beyond that, and it goes so far beyond the level of normal understanding that you really have to do the kind of reading and research I've done for all of these years to even begin to understand it. As weird as it sounds, it seems to have something to do with my life, though I am not entirely sure what that is.
But the truth is important in life, and there are ways to bring about hidden truths - or at least try to bring them out into the open - without hurting anyone, without blame or vengeance or anything negative, and that is what I hope to do, eventually. All I can tell you, is that if I could prove what happened here in 1989, and get it on TV, it would be one of the biggest stories you've ever heard, and certainly one of the weirdest. That may or may never happen, and personally I would be satisfied if someone just gave me a thorough explanation of it all, and of every detail I have wondered about for all these years.
But it is the central issue of my life, because it is my life. It seems to involve something very unusual.
I have promised not to write about it in my blogs, and that is not an easy promise to keep, but I am trying because I know it bothers you. In the future, I may have to write about certain inexplicable aspects of it because it helps me to do so, it helps me to understand it. But I don't want you to worry about it.
I hope I have explained all of this to some satisfactory degree, If I haven't, and if you have any questions just let me know. We have to be big people in this life, larger than life really. And we have to be understanding.
I Love You, Elizabeth. You are never going to lose me. I hope I never lose you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
7:15pm : Good Evening, my Darling Elizabeth. I saw your posts while I was at Pearl's, and I loved them. :):) We can of course get married, but we will have to have patience because we will have to take the necessary steps to do so, the first being to have actual communication, and I know you know this, so all I am saying for now is for both of us to have patience, and I know you know that to. :)
Above all, I want you not to worry about things. Everything is good, and everything will be good, and you can count on that. So please don't worry. Right now I am gonna relax for a little while and do The Usual, my reading and my walk. Maybe watch an episode of Walking Dead or X-Files. I will write more when I get back to Pearl's.
I Love You and you are so very special to me.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:15am : Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby. I hope you had a nice evening and are feeling good about things once again. I think that if we just both go with the flow, things will work out the way we want them to. From my angle, going with the flow means having patience, and I have tried to and will keep doing so. It is awesome and beautiful to say we will be married, and we can indeed say that. But because I must also have patience, I know I cannot also make ultimatums, and say, "c'mon - you have to start talking to me". I will never make ultimatums, but I will trust you to eventually begin to communicate directly with me, because obviously that's the only way we can take the steps that will lead to marriage.
Eventually, we will get to know each other in real life. I will trust in that.
We can talk about a million things one day, and won't that be incredible? I think it will, and I hope you think so too.
I have this one big issue in my life that's very complex, and it comes along with being with me, much like if you wanted to marry a secret agent or even a baseball player. I don't have a career, per se, but I do earn a living, and I have something of importance that is my main focus, at least until I can get to the truth of it. Then I can move onto something else weird, lol.
At any rate, rest easy my girl. I want you to know that I know what it feels like to worry about things, especially when your adult life is just getting underway. I want you to be reassured, though, and I want you to think tonight about all the different kinds of thoughts and philosophies we have talked about over the years. Think about the Glimpses. Remember them? The glimpses of things, things that cannot be described, only felt.....
Also, please keep in mind all these years - days, weeks and months - of me writing to you, to share these things, and you have certainly shared them back with me.
Right now, I can only wait until you are able to have direct communication with me. I can't, and won't, force that issue. But I will wait. No problem there at all. In the meantime, everything can just go on as it has. All I ask is that you please understand that my life is what it is, and because of the extraordinary nature of my experience in life, it is part of who I am.
But if you married me, we'd still do a ton of regular stuff like go to movies, walk the dog, fly kites, etc.
Life is huge, life is magic, life is a blast, life is weird and awesome, and you are in my life permanently, and you will never lose me because I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)