Good Morning, Elizabeth,
I am still at Pearl's, and won't be home until after I take her to Golden Agers at 11am, but I just wanted to tell you that I saw your post, berlin-artparasite. It says a lot to me, and I don't want to just give a brief response, so I'll have to wait until I get home, but I will say - as to the main point of the message - that there is ZERO CHANCE of that ever happening.
Read what it says again, and then know that it will never happen. You will never lose me, ever. Period.
More when I get home.
I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:30am : Hi again, my Darling. I am home. Golden Agers was cancelled due to a wedding at church, so I had to take Pearl back to her house, but anyway, here I am. Everything I am gonna say here is said with a giant hug and kiss, and a Ton Of Love. Also, don't worry about that preface, lol. Don't ya hate it when somebody prefaces a message with "everything I am gonna say here"? Cause it sounds like it's gonna be a doom-laden message, or a bunch of Heavy, Depressing Stuff. But with me, you know it's not gonna be that. It's just my thoughts on things, as always. And offered with as much love as you can possibly handle, and even more. :):)
The first thing I wanna say, is thanks very much for your post this morning, the berlin-artparasite. I know it must not always be easy to locate a post that says what you want to say, and it can be time consuming, etc. So thanks, because that post seemed to hit the nail on the head, and what's more, it was very honest, in the sense that I referred to last night, when I said "we will probably both be talking about the same thing".
Which brings me to the second thing I want to say. Here is where the Gigantic Hug and Kiss come in, because this especially is said with nothing but love. Somehow, you seem to be able to see what I am doing on my FB, and perhaps my entire computer as well. I brought up this issue last Summer, as you know. Back then, I referred to it as hacking, and I thought it might be someone like your folks, worried about a guy my age talking to their daughter. Now, with the Chris Willman post yesterday, you have kind of tipped your hand that it's you, and really, you have kind of shown that on one or two previous occasions as well. But the thing is, you are being honest about it, or at least it is out in the open. Whatever you are doing that allows you to see my "clicks" on FB (i.e. what I look at) is something I cannot figure out. I have even Googled about hacking, and hacking FB, and hacking a Chromebook, and from what I read - by experts, mind you - they say that a Chromebook basically cannot be hacked, or is very difficult to do so.
Of course, I know next to nothing about computers, so the technical language they use is something I don't have the patience for. I do know how to check for other devices on my accounts and stuff like that, but the bottom line is that I am stumped. If you are able to see what I do on FB, and it appears that you are able to do so, then I truly have no idea how you are doing it. I know that you are a technical wizard yourself, and that you grew up around a lot of techies. I would just say to be careful about this kind of stuff, because what you have seems to me to be NSA-level tech skills. No joking about that. I may not be a techie, but I am no slouch when it comes to figuring things out, and this abilty to see what I do on FB (and possibly my entire computer) is something I absolutely have not been able to figure out. So, it's an NSA-level skill, and again, I'd be careful about using things like that.
Having said that, you may or may not believe this, but I do not really care if you look at what I do on FB. It did bother me a lot last Summer, when I first discovered it, but even then you were upfront about it, at least by letting me in on it, in a symbolic way, when I sent that Friend Request to Lillian. That's when you first tipped your hand that you could do this, that you could see what I was doing on my own personal FB, which is supposedly locked down to outside viewers. How an outside viewer could see another person's friend request is something I cannot figure out, but you were apparently able to do so. But again, you were honest about it. You let me know "I don't like this"! by posting symbolic messages that you knew I'd understand (water lillies, etc). This time it was Chris Willman.
Last year, all of that made me very upset, and I thought it was your parents who were behind it. Now, you have kind of shown that it's you.
The thing is, it doesn't actually bother me that much. First of all, it's you who is doing it. I'd prefer it if you didn't, but I understand why you do, and you have been upfront about it, at least when you see me doing something that you don't like. That "something" is something very specific, and we both know what it is, and I can see - especially when you make a post like berlin-artparasite this morning - that it causes you to worry. A post like that goes straight to my heart, and it touches me very deeply, so that I think, "how can I be mad about this"? And the truth is that I cannot, and I am not mad about the hacking (if that is what I should call it), because I can see it is coming from the heart. The heart can be filled with all kinds of feelings, including fear and worry, and I understand those feelings quite well. I should add, in my defense, that a lot of guys, and a lot of people in general, would be extremely upset about having their FB moves looked at, in secret, by another person. Many would take some kind of action.
But the difference with me, is that in a way, you have almost kind of trusted me not to do that. Not to get upset. By showing me that you can "see" my FB moves, you have said, in a way, "Adam, I can see what you're doing, and I don't like it, and I am gonna show you that I don't like it, but I also know that you're not gonna get mad at me".
And do you know what, Elizabeth? You are exactly right! And, in a way, it shows a "trusting" of me, by you. You are trusting me not to get mad at you - when almost anybody else would - by showing me what you can do. So, that says to me that you know me pretty well, and that makes me happy, believe it or not. Even if I would prefer you did not look at what I do on FB, you have been honest about it, and you have trusted me not to get upset about it, and finally, I can't do anything about it and wouldn't do anything anyway because I love you, and you know that. So that's where things stand with the hacking.
The berlin-artparasite post refers to a fear of losing something. From the painting in the post, it looks like a reference to fear of losing someone.
I repeat and reiterate this, Elizabeth: you are never going to lose me. The only way you could ever lose me is if you got tired of me, decided I was boring, or found a guy you really liked who was in closer proximity to you than I am. The only way you could ever lose me would be through a decision of your own, and I hope that never happens because I love you and you are beyond special to me. We have this intuitive relationship that is one-in-a-million, because how could two people just out of the blue meet, then connect immediately, and then understand each other and love each other in this intuitive way that we have? It was meant to happen.
If you could be in my shoes, however, you'd see that the reverse has been true as well. I worry too, and I've mentioned it a million times. You, being a Sagittarius, have a trillion friends, and many of them are guys. Those guys like you a lot, and no doubt some of them wouldn't mind being more than just your friend. They all live nearby you, or in proximity (Chicago, etc), while here I am 2000 miles away. I have to just watch all these guys hanging out with you, and just let it go, and I do. It was bugging me there for a while, but as time went by, I just thought, well, Elizabeth has a lot of guy friends and if something serious develops, I trust that she'll tell me. And when I say "I will understand" if that ever does happen, I mean it in all honesty, because I am out here in Los Angeles, and I am older, and it would be certainly understandable if you ever decided you really liked one of those guys who are closer in age and who live nearer to you than I do. So please put yourself in my shoes, is all I ask. I would never in a million years protest you having male friends, or hanging out with them, going places with them, etc. They are part of your life, and I am not at all the kind of person who tries to change another person or try to put restrictions on them. All I have ever asked is that you tell me if anything ever began to get serious with one of these guys, and I trust that you would, and I would indeed understand because it would be natural, because of proximity and similar age. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, I will honestly understand.
The other thing, and again do not forget that we are having this discussion with hugs and kisses and tons of love - is that we have not talked to each other directly in three years now. That is a very long time. And when I say "talked", I mean by text. I still have never actually spoken to you, let alone met you.
All of that is okay, but it would be great if I at least knew what to expect. Is it going to be this way permanently? For the forseeable future? Or maybe you just don't know for sure, and that is perfectly fine. As you have seen, I have never stopped writing to you, or posting on FB - every day - and using the form of communication we have developed. That right there should be sign that you are never gonna lose me, lol. I have always written and posted, almost every day, even though we haven't talked directly for three years, and even though you have given me no indication when we might talk again.
So again, there is what I hope for, and what I am fine with. I hope we will one day have real communication, but I am fine with the fact that we currently do not, because I understand a lot of factors involved. I understand that you are just getting underway with your career (and it is a wonderful thing for me to watch!), and I understand that you are only just out of college and living at home, and not only would I never rush things, or insist on things, I would actually do the opposite and encourage you to take time with your life. That is what I talk so much about; taking time with things, getting a feel for things, never rushing a decision, always keeping family close and strong in your life and in your heart. I think is is beyond awesome that your Mom seems to be supportive of you, and I always encourage love among family members, and patience.
So I am fine with everything that's going on, really. But I can see that you worry about what you see on my FB, and you have even asked me - through your posts - not to think about the past, or memories, etc.
This is where a problem can develop, and again remember that no problem is so serious that it doesn't have a solution. The problem here, is that what happened to me in 1989, was very serious. It was so serious that to this day, it's not only never been resolved, it's never been talked about, period. It's flat-out never been acknowledged by anyone but myself. I don't wanna go on a huge tangent about it, except to say that I have continued to study it, and to examine it, because it has never been explained to me. For instance, I was kidnapped during this series of events by a crazy man. I still, 26 years later, do not know exactly who he was or why he kidnapped me, or what exactly happened to him. There are so many details to what happened in 1989, that it took me almost 800 pages to write it all down, which I did back in 2006-7. So many things happened, involving a lot of people, that it has taken me years to attempt to put all the pieces together. I have even written Freedom Of Information Act requests to the FBI and various other agencies, in an attempt to find any bit of information about this, but it has all been to no avail. Many people would just say, "well why don't you just give up"? And of course I have had that said to me, among other things. The only way I could even try to explain it to you would be in person. Please understand, though, that what happened in 1989 is not merely some "bad memories", like a harsh breakup of a relationship, but something very, very overwhelming and profound, involving many people, many situations, and thousands of details, many of them so strange as to strain belief. I don't just "let it go" because I can't. To do so would be profoundly wrong.
All I have ever sought was simply the truth of what happened, and the whole truth. Lillian was involved in it with me, and it's as simple as that. None of it is her fault, the whole thing in it's entirety goes way beyond that, and it goes so far beyond the level of normal understanding that you really have to do the kind of reading and research I've done for all of these years to even begin to understand it. As weird as it sounds, it seems to have something to do with my life, though I am not entirely sure what that is.
But the truth is important in life, and there are ways to bring about hidden truths - or at least try to bring them out into the open - without hurting anyone, without blame or vengeance or anything negative, and that is what I hope to do, eventually. All I can tell you, is that if I could prove what happened here in 1989, and get it on TV, it would be one of the biggest stories you've ever heard, and certainly one of the weirdest. That may or may never happen, and personally I would be satisfied if someone just gave me a thorough explanation of it all, and of every detail I have wondered about for all these years.
But it is the central issue of my life, because it is my life. It seems to involve something very unusual.
I have promised not to write about it in my blogs, and that is not an easy promise to keep, but I am trying because I know it bothers you. In the future, I may have to write about certain inexplicable aspects of it because it helps me to do so, it helps me to understand it. But I don't want you to worry about it.
I hope I have explained all of this to some satisfactory degree, If I haven't, and if you have any questions just let me know. We have to be big people in this life, larger than life really. And we have to be understanding.
I Love You, Elizabeth. You are never going to lose me. I hope I never lose you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
7:15pm : Good Evening, my Darling Elizabeth. I saw your posts while I was at Pearl's, and I loved them. :):) We can of course get married, but we will have to have patience because we will have to take the necessary steps to do so, the first being to have actual communication, and I know you know this, so all I am saying for now is for both of us to have patience, and I know you know that to. :)
Above all, I want you not to worry about things. Everything is good, and everything will be good, and you can count on that. So please don't worry. Right now I am gonna relax for a little while and do The Usual, my reading and my walk. Maybe watch an episode of Walking Dead or X-Files. I will write more when I get back to Pearl's.
I Love You and you are so very special to me.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:15am : Happy Late Night, Sweet Baby. I hope you had a nice evening and are feeling good about things once again. I think that if we just both go with the flow, things will work out the way we want them to. From my angle, going with the flow means having patience, and I have tried to and will keep doing so. It is awesome and beautiful to say we will be married, and we can indeed say that. But because I must also have patience, I know I cannot also make ultimatums, and say, "c'mon - you have to start talking to me". I will never make ultimatums, but I will trust you to eventually begin to communicate directly with me, because obviously that's the only way we can take the steps that will lead to marriage.
Eventually, we will get to know each other in real life. I will trust in that.
We can talk about a million things one day, and won't that be incredible? I think it will, and I hope you think so too.
I have this one big issue in my life that's very complex, and it comes along with being with me, much like if you wanted to marry a secret agent or even a baseball player. I don't have a career, per se, but I do earn a living, and I have something of importance that is my main focus, at least until I can get to the truth of it. Then I can move onto something else weird, lol.
At any rate, rest easy my girl. I want you to know that I know what it feels like to worry about things, especially when your adult life is just getting underway. I want you to be reassured, though, and I want you to think tonight about all the different kinds of thoughts and philosophies we have talked about over the years. Think about the Glimpses. Remember them? The glimpses of things, things that cannot be described, only felt.....
Also, please keep in mind all these years - days, weeks and months - of me writing to you, to share these things, and you have certainly shared them back with me.
Right now, I can only wait until you are able to have direct communication with me. I can't, and won't, force that issue. But I will wait. No problem there at all. In the meantime, everything can just go on as it has. All I ask is that you please understand that my life is what it is, and because of the extraordinary nature of my experience in life, it is part of who I am.
But if you married me, we'd still do a ton of regular stuff like go to movies, walk the dog, fly kites, etc.
Life is huge, life is magic, life is a blast, life is weird and awesome, and you are in my life permanently, and you will never lose me because I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
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