Me

The SB is MIA once again, though perhaps she is working on music or getting ready for her trip to Iceland. Or she could be all done with me, I dunno. It's not easy to decipher. In any event, I am kinda twiddling my thumbs over here, just because this blog has been specifically written to her for the last five years, or at least with her in mind on the previous occasions when she wasn't around.

I have found it very difficult in my life to find someone with whom I really and truly connect. I have never been a person who goes on dates, or does the Social Thing - hanging out at bars or wherever in order to try and meet people. That is basically because I am an introvert, and find it near impossible to break the ice, and even then - had I the ability to do so - I am not comfortable with small talk.

Thus I have not met a lot of people in my life, nor been on any dates. I have literally never been on a single date in my life. Quite an admission, eh?

However, whatever I lack in an ability to break the ice and chat people up, I make up for inwardly.

I have an extremely strong sense of interior connection, you might call it. I haven't had a lot of relationships in my life, but the ones I have had have come about because of this Interior Connection.

It's part psychic, part spiritual. The psychic part comes first, then the spiritual.

And when that happens, I know I have found someone I can make a real connection with.

It's way too detailed to try and describe now, late at night when I am tired.

But I have a set of beliefs regarding relationships, and - for me - they do not include dating : because I am not gonna find anyone that way. That's like buying a lottery ticket and expecting to win the jackpot. It ain't gonna happen. And my beliefs do not include doing the Social Thing, simply because I am not that social a person. Now, that does not mean I am anti-social. Far from it. If you were to meet me, and we hit it off, you would find me a very good conversationalist, and you might even think, "my goodness, is he ever gonna shut up"?, lol.

But I guess that the bottom line is that I have never been interested in one night stands, even if I had the type of personality to create them. A guy like Warren Beatty comes to mind. I'll bet he has had a lot of fun in his life. But God made me in a way that is 180 degrees opposite. I don't wanna be with hundreds of women for one night. I only ever wanted to find one woman to spend my entire life with.

I've been that way since I was 17, when I first recognised the emotional settings inside myself that were calling out to be fulfilled.

One thing that should be noted about a shy person such as myself - it doesn't always mean that the person is a Nervous Nelly, or awkward, or lacking in confidence or fearful of other people. Sometimes it just means that the shy person has such an inner dialogue going with whatever is compelling him, that everything distracting is tuned out. Only the Meaningful is received. That has always been the case with me - got my Mars-in-Pisces to thank for that one, among other things - and I am always thinking on an Eternal basis for things rather than a temporary one. Hence my desire to find someone to share my life with, a quest that began when I was 17.

I could go much deeper than what I am describing to you, but I will not.

What I will say is that, even when I was 17, my inner dialogue was with God. I didn't know "what" God was (nobody does), I only knew that I felt God inside me, and all around me, and I knew that God was the only One who could understand me. Later on, in my 40s, this connection was personified in Jesus Christ, very specifically, through the Holy Spirit. But as a teen, all I knew was a generalised sense of God, and this was because of my introversion. I was not outward - making a lot of friends and going on dates - I was inward, listening to an inner voice I knew as God, and perhaps my own voice mixed in.

I always wanted to meet the right person, the right woman for me, and I always asked God to make that happen, because I knew I could not make it happen myself. I mean, I knew I could "take over" once God handed me the opportunity, but I had to leave it up to Him to initiate the deal.

I have always wanted to connect and bond with someone on the Spiritual Level - literally, as that is the only way I am able to do it. I know that many would say as much, in fact most people would want such a result I think.

But for me it is even different than that. Which is why I won't try to describe it.

It has taken me a long time to learn to communicate in a way that I have hoped might lead to a lasting bond of love.

I have had my faults in life, for sure, but I have always wanted to develop that communication ability, because as I discovered the use of words, in my mid-30s, I began to realise their magic. I thought that if the right words were used to express oneself, in the deepest possible way, then the gateway to the heart would be opened. Of course, we all know that life cannot be Hearts & Flowers at all times; during the course of day to day life we are probably, for the most part, not as deep. In the communication of any given day, we are practical, information driven, humorous, playful, light hearted, and towards the other extreme we are melancholy, depressed, etc. I believe that communication can avoid that other extreme.

God, after all, certainly does not want people to be depressed. Depression comes from losing one's connection to God, and especially to Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. If you are not Christian, you can call it whatever you want to. But the important thing is to feel it, to feel that connection.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough. I am very tired, as usual. I probably am on "Green Light - Go!" too many hours in each day.

But I have a deep need to express myself, because I am trying to get to the bottom of things in my life.

I can't live on The Surface, just doing Superficial Stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong : I Love Superficial Stuff......

Just going shopping, for instance, or talking about sports, or whatever.

But I've gotta engage the Deeper Stuff first. My brain runs 24/7 on it.

It can't be spoken, it's just the way I am. And I've been hoping to find someone who is just like me.

Maybe I already have.