I hope you are having a good weekend. Just for fun I wanted to post an old blog from the Myspace days. It was written on April 19th, 2013. What struck me on re-reading it was the amount of energy in the words. Wow! But that's what you've always done to me. :):)
Anyway, here it is, the way things were then, expressed in a "torrent of words" as I call it. Though seven years have passed, the feeling has remained the same.
Have a great day. I'll be back later tonight with more. I love you with all my heart. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
From Friday April 19th, 2013 :
Happy Friday, my Angel!
Today, I wanted to broach the subject of possible expanded communication in the future. I'm just broaching it, so there's no big pressure or anything. There is some construction going on here at the Oviatt, they are gonna remake the whole first floor into a giant lounge and study area, complete with coffee shop. Currently, most of the computers are located here, and many of them are already reserved for students, though some are public. These are the ones I've been using, and I don't know if they will be available during the construction process. There are a few others upstairs, too, so I could probably still have some access, but what I really want to do is buy my own computer, which I have been planning to do for a while now anyway. I don't wanna spend a ton of money, because I will mainly be using it only for Internet. So I wanna spend around 500 bucks, if I can get a good laptop for that much. I don't wanna spend more than 1000 bucks, tops, because I want to continue to save as much money as possible to continue building a good savings for the future - our future - and I already have a very good start.What I wanted to broach, though, about communication, is the question of how far in the future might it be possible to talk directly again? Again, there is no pressure on that score, so it's just a general question for future planning, and I ask it just because of the expendature involved in buying my own laptop and signing up for Internet service. Even if the Oviatt computers remain available in the summer - and I would guess that at least some of them will be - the library will nevertheless be on summer hours, and will close every night at 7pm until late August. That will suck for me, as I have not only grown accustomed to writing to you at night, but I love to do it. There is, as I have said before, nothing I would rather do. And while direct communication would be ideal - as it was last summer - our current system is not so bad for the forseeable future, so long as I have something to respond to. I like to write daily, because it is you I am writing to! Since the beginning of March, I have probably written the equivalent of a small book, lol, but it has been such a wonderful thing to do, to write to you spontaneously and from the heart. Communication is, in itself, the heart of a relationship, and - again, as I have said before - we have been able to build a relationship even without direct communication. Your use of symbols has been so strong that I was able to understand first, late last Fall, that you were trying to get my attention, and then, starting early this year, that you were trying to tell me something more. The miraculous month of March confirmed all of this, and here we are. And it was all done, on your part, through the use of symbols : pictures, a few songs, some posted quotes, comments of others and a few of your own - really a genius approach on your part. Super creative! On my part, well, it was nothing short of a torrent of words, but I have been so overwhelmed with feeling for you that I've had to let it all out!
All along the way, I have always hoped that I have read your symbolic communication correctly. Things really kicked into high gear with the Sam Cooke song. First, I saw the title, and I thought it was a great reference to our Connection, a psychic and emotional bond that I have never experienced the likes of, and which has quite literally blown my mind since it began. Then, a day later I thought "you didn't read the lyrics, you dummy" (meaning me), and so I did read them, and I was..........well, you know. My heart melted right then and there. "I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home"...........
Reading that changed my life, my dear sweet lady. I had thought that was what was taking place, as far back as January, which was why in February I felt confident enough, when writing my little poem, to call you my soulmate. I had fallen in love with you almost immediately and was sure of it by last May. By June I was bursting with the feeling and by July, I had to tell you, so powerful was the feeling. I had wanted you to be my soulmate all of the time since then, but during our direct communication I tried as hard as I could not to mention it, with mixed results!
In Fall, of course, we had our communication interrupted, and in that recent blog or blogs, I detailed what I went through at the time. At first I was crushed, October was pretty horrible for me. But then, little by little I began to sense things. There were days, like Thanksgiving - which I wrote about - where I could literally feel you with me. This is what I mean when I say our Connection is mindblowing, which is why I always capatalise that word. But even in November and December, when I was sensing your presence, I did not allow my heart to go too far, to hope too much, because I did not understand, at that point, what had happened to cut off our communication in the first place. It wasn't until I heard the Bai Xu song that I really allowed myself to hope, then later came the Eric Whitacre song, and other posts by you, and by then, your system of symbolic communication was in full swing. By now it was around Valentine's Day, and even though I still did not have 100% confidence yet, I still felt courageous enough to call you my soulmate in the poem. That is quite a thing to say to someone, but it was all I had dreamed of since I met you, and by then I finally felt confident enough to do so. Imagine being me : to first have you come into my life in the way you did - nothing short of the very miracle I had prayed for, for years - and then to fall head over heels in love with you, and then to seemingly lose you last Fall............wow.But then to discover that not only had I not lost you, but that you were seeking me out - through symbol. Excuse my language, but how fucking amazing was that ? You'd have to be me to know the answer, to feel and understand how wonderful that was, after the anguish of the Fall. You'd also have to be me to fully understand - to know as I know, in my soul - how beautiful it was to then discover, ultimately in your posting of "You Send Me", that you had deep feelings for me, too.
If you have ever wondered where this torrent of words has come from in the past six weeks, that was it. To read the lyrics of that song had a life changing effect on me, no exaggeration. I say "you'd have to be me" because I prayed for so long, not just for someone to come into my life, but for someone who was made just for me - my soulmate. To pray for years, and then - to actually have it happen?
Thank You, God.
The only words that could apply would have been Grateful, Humbled and Astounded.
I knew that I loved you. Since last May I knew it.
To find out that you loved me? You'd have to be me to truly understand it, but I have tried to explain it; hence the torrent of words.
Since then, we have continued to use our system of symbols on your part, and blogs on my part, and we have communicated a great deal of information in the process. For the most part, it has been pretty effective. There have been a couple of misunderstandings here and there, but they were no big deal, and for the most part I feel I have been able to "get the message" behind your symbols, and to respond accordingly. All of this is fine for the forseeable future. When getting into the details of things, however, it can be a little more difficult to communicate solely by symbols. What I mean by that, is that I am operating under the assumption that we have been on the same page as far as life goes. Not specific plans, per se, because you are still in school and will be for another year (at least I assume so). But we are at the stage where we know we love each other. That has been my take, not only from the symbols but because I have been able to feel it.
Sometimes, I have been confused, however, and that is where the use of symbols can cause miscommunication. I know there have been times since March when frustration has played a part, as when I did not understand the "finger" post and you explained it. Recently, there have been a few others I didn't get (or wasn't certain of), like the garbage-in-school post. Because we have been relying on this system, I have been trying every day to discern which posts are symbols and which are "just posts". I know you have friends that you like to post to as well, and sometimes I don't understand if the post is a symbolic message to me, or a direct message to them - meaning "just an ordinary post", in other words. So in this way, symbols can sometimes be a little confusing. Back in March, there was no doubt about the symbolism, I could tell exactly what you meant!
Now, I am still mostly pretty good at interpreting them, but sometimes I am not sure I understand.I have written some extremely personal things about my feelings, that I would love to marry you, and eventually - if you wanted to - have a family with you. Mostly, I have spoken more generally of my desire to spend my life with you, and make our plans as we go, to plan things but also see what happens - to live artistically, though with a responsible financial approach. This is why I am saving as much money as possible and will continue to do so, to provide us with a combination "launch pad/safety net". In the future, with direct communication (whenever it becomes possible) it will be easier to talk about the details of things. It will also be easier to talk about life in general. Meanwhile, I try every day to write and communicate, because I know how important it is to communicate in a relationship, and especially one in which communication is restricted. That is why I need a little more to respond to. Sometimes, I don't understand. Yesterday, for instance, I saw your post to your friend, and I don't know : "Is that meant for me or for him, or is it both"? I don't know. In his case, I know you are a fan of his band, but if a post says "I wish I was on a plane right now", I think - because I am always thinking in symbols and messages - "does that mean me? Or does it just mean she wishes she could see his band"? And those kind of symbolic messages are harder to decipher. I know you have friends and musicians you talk to, and that is awesome, but I have been, since March, looking at the long-term aspect of all of this, and in cases like that one, it would be easier to have direct communication. If that post was meant for me, I wonder "well, if she would love to be on a plane right now, how can I make that happen"?, and I start thinking of ways to do that. Conversely, if I think it is meant only for your friend, then I think, "well, maybe I shouldn't make any long term plans". I am a second guesser because of what I went through with Lillian, and I apologize for that. But this is where the use of symbols can be confusing sometimes. With symbols, the clearer they are, the better I can read them and understand them.
As for future plans, well, just read any of the blogs from the past six weeks to know how I feel.
In that torrent of words is everything! I want to marry you, to be with you, to create with you, and really just to live life with you. I know that you still have school, that you still have the factor of your parents, and that these are all major life decisions. I am always aware of all of this, but I also always want to keep our communication running smoothly. I know we have two different styles of communicating. I am a "heart on the sleeve" type, always posting a lot and describing my feelings, ideas, etc. If I ever overdo it, here or on Facebook, you can tell me. You have a quieter, less demonstrative way of saying things, but when you say them with clarity, boy are they ever understood!Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our knowing one another. I know that, since March, the feelings have run high and could possibly have felt overwhelming at times. But they are real feelings, and they run high because that is love. As the one doing the direct (yet interprative) part of our communication, I want to be able to keep writing to you every day, especially as we head into summer. I also want to continue to anticipate the future, to know what you see ahead, what you think about things. We've got plenty of time, and that's fine because I am in it for the long haul, you can always expect a 100% committment from me, and you can always be sure that I am yours for life. I am interested in no one else, nor will I be. You are It : my wife, my life. And being in it for life means that I can wait, and will gladly wait, for things to play out. As for our communication, the more you give me, the more I have to work with, and that way you and I can keep steering the ship steadily in the direction we want it to go. Let's do it!
That's all for today, I hope you are enjoying the start to your weekend, and I will talk to you tomorrow!
I Love You! ////
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