Communication

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry I didn't post today, except for the very brief one from this afternoon. I don't know if you saw it or not, but either way, I suppose I should explain a few things that I am feeling of late. I guess the main problem is that I just don't know what's going on anymore, with how you feel about me. The problem, as always, is communication, and it just seems to me that ever since you got back from Europe, and even before that really, on any given day - often as not - you may or may not post. Basically, it's pretty close to 50% of the time you don't post.

So that's why I've been just skipping days, like last Saturday, or yesterday. I wasn't upset on either of those days, but I've reached the point where, because your non-posting days are so frequent, I just feel like, "well, what can I say"? I can write what I did that day, I suppose, but it's hard when I have so many days with nothing to respond to, and as I've said umpteen times by now, who wants to read about my daily details, which are basically the same from day to day.

So, I still have tried to write every day, and post on FB, but there have been a few days when I just couldn't think of anything to say.

Some things, though, I just don't get. As I say, I was not upset when I didn't post on Saturday or yesterday, just at a loss for what to write, but today I was upset. I was upset because you didn't post all day yesterday, and then you finally do post, and it's a picture of Aurelien Di Sanzo. He is not my favorite guy, and I know he's your friend, but I just wanna be able to understand what's going on. I saw his comments when you were in Europe, about you two "not being so far apart anymore", and then when you posted that you were gonna backpack in France, he commented for you to come visit him. At the time, I just figured why say anything, because you didn't seem to respond to his comments (other than "like"), and also it was your special trip - you were having fun and a lifetime experience. But now here we are in 2015, and he's still there. I am sorry to say I am not too fond of the guy, even though I don't know him. I've seen his FB a couple times, and I've seen some of the things he posts, and he sounds to me like he doesn't have more than three or four brain cells in his head. Sorry about that, but it's my opinion, and in my years on the planet I've become a pretty good judge of character. I also know he's "cute", or what girls would consider cute, and I am 55 and way older. He's a guy who I can see is not gonna go away, and I know he's your friend and it should be expected that you would find guys your own age attractive. But I am just not gonna compete for your attention with a guy like him. I'm too old for that kind of stuff.

I sometimes wonder if, by not posting much anymore, you are trying to tell me something. Back in February 2013, when you intimated with that first Sam Cooke post that you had feelings for me, I was over the moon as you know. Our communication, even though it was symbolic and not direct, was constant and fun. That was why I set up Internet service at home, and got a second computer for here at Pearl's. I thought eventually we'd have direct IM communication like we had in 2012. I was even prepared to wait indefinitely for that to happen, and I still am. But over the last six months or so, even the symbolic communication has tapered off to the point where I had to ask you recently if your heart was still in it.

Elizabeth, if you don't see me that way (as a boyfriend), it's okay to say so. It's only natural for a girl to find guys her own age attractive, and vice-versa. Johan has got a humongous crush on you. He doesn't bother me though, because he seems to be a gentleman and also to have some brains, more than the other guy for sure.

But I mean, you didn't post anything over Valentine's Day weekend, no posts at all, and that seems to be the general direction things are going in, and then today you post this Aurelien guy, and I just wonder if you are trying to tell me something. You never have to just humor me. The last thing I want to do is make a fool out of myself. But I've been hoping for 2 1/2 years now that at some point we could talk again like we did in 2012, and the reality is that the communication seems to be going in the other direction, becoming less and less frequent instead of increasing.

I've said before that I know that the stuff I am interested in and like to write about may not be of interest to you. I realise that, and I also realise that, again, you've got your music covered with Paul and all your local musician friends, and your movies covered with Brian and his friends, and so you don't need me for that. The thing is, you know those guys, and I'm just a guy out there on the Internet. That's what I often feel like. What I wonder, and I might as well go ahead and ask it, is how do you feel about ever having real communication again? Do you feel as if you'd ever like to really talk to me? I just want to know where I stand, is all. Because you sure don't seem to have a problem talking to any of your other friends on Facebook; just me. I know your folks had some kind of meltdown back in Fall 2012, or at least that was hinted at by you, but two and a half years have gone by since then. You are now 22. I know you still live under Mom's roof and therefore her rules apply (if she has made such a rule), but all I am asking is do you see yourself at some point actually wanting to talk to me again? I hope so, but if the answer is no, I understand.

The thing is, I would (and will) still be here anyway for you. Everything I have written to you since Fall 2012 has been on faith, with a hope someday for a reply. When I said recently (I think it was when I asked if your heart was still in it) that my love for you is "permanent", well that's the truth. I will always do anything for you. As of this writing, nothing whatsoever has changed on my part, except for my noticing the sharp decline in the days-per-week you post, and wondering where I stand as a result. Then today, seeing a "like" from you of that guy's picture, after you didn't post all day yesterday, and knowing the comments he made while you were in Europe. Please remember, I don't want to get between you and any friend of yours, even if it's someone I think is a tool. I just don't understand why, if you still feel the same way about me, it often seems like you'd rather be talking to all those other guys rather than me.

Nothing has changed on my part (really), but I think what would go a long way would be for you to ask yourself if you really do ever wanna talk to me in real life. Be truthful with yourself. If the answer is yes, then I can wait for whenever the day comes that we can talk. But if the answer is no, that you'd rather just keep it the way it is, then I will still be here for you, and I will still write, and I will still post on FB, and I will still love you regardless, and I will always do anything for you. But if things are just gonna stay the way they are, with declining communication, and I feel like I have to compete with a guy like Aurelien Di Sanzo, then my output is gonna suffer as a result. I'm sorry to have to say all of this, but as always, it's better that I say it than just bottle it all up and get frustrated.

The last thing I wanna say tonight is congratulations on your next music video. I have said you are "off and running" and it's true! Just keep doing what you are doing, you are already living it!

I Love You, Elizabeth. Never forget that. It's just all about communication with me, and not wanting to compete with a bunch of young guys, and not wanting to feel like I'm part of a Facebook crowd.

That's all I wanted to say for tonight, but no worries - it's all good however it turns out.  :):)