Hi Elizabeth,
Sorry I didn't write for a couple days, it's just that it's getting harder to do so because a lot of times I have nothing to respond to, and right now I don't have a lot of exciting things going on in my life, it's just work almost all the time, so.......I hate to say it, but sometimes I wonder if I should keep writing this blog.
Now don't get me wrong, because I think you are awesome and you know how I feel about you, but sometimes I just feel like I am putting messages in a bottle and throwing them into the ocean, if you know what I mean. It's interesting to think that we have had this form of communication for almost five years now, and a lot of that time it has been really good. If you go back and look at older blogs you'll see what I mean. But because we do not have direct communication, and because I know you are busy with a lot of other things these days, sometimes I wonder if my writing to you is still important to you. I don't just mean something "nice to read" or that it's nice to hear from me, but that this is a connection that is important in your life. I enjoy writing to you - after all, I've written around 1500 blogs (my goodness!) - so from that standpoint there is no problem. But writing involves thought, and feeling. It is communication, and when it begins to feel like messages put in a bottle and tossing them in the ocean and wondering if anyone has read them and if they've had an effect, then it gets harder to keep writing them. When you combine it with my current work situation, and that I don't have much interesting to write about on my end, then you see why whole weekends go by, or several days in a row when I don't write. But with this unusual form of communication, it can fall apart when those gaps become a regular thing.
I'll be honest with you, this time there was something that kinda set it off, and just made me wonder if I should keep writing. Looking back, it seems ridiculous and it probably is, but at the time I just thought "why am I doing this"? and it made me a little depressed. This was on Friday, just a couple days ago. You had posted your amazing cover of "Dream", and everything was going along as it has been, which is pretty good, but there have still been these gaps where I have had nothing to respond to and haven't written, and they had gotten more frequent this year. So on Friday, I saw a post by your friend Victor, the European guy, and he said he'd like to write music with you, and then you indicated that you could do it when you visited him in Iceland.
Okay, that sounds like no big deal, right? It even sounds like fun, and it should be. I know he is your friend, and I know you have posted to him before because I've seen him on your FB, off and on, for years. And I know you are already going to Iceland, and I am guessing he has offered to show you around. But here is the way it affected me : it just made me feel, again, like "why am I doing this"? And that's because I have been writing to you for five years, and we have not had any direct communication in all that time, and yet here is your friend all the way over in Iceland who you do seem to have communication with, and I just thought, "man.......I've been writing and writing and writing for five years, but I still feel like just A Guy On Facebook". And yet here is another Guy On Facebook, Victor, and he has a more direct connection to you than I do.
Sounds ridiculous, I know, because it probably came up only because you are visiting Iceland in the first place, but combined with what I already mentioned - that often I wonder if my writing to you is still something important, and that often I find it hard to write because I have nothing to respond to - well.....it just made me feel depressed. :(
There are other factors involved, just stuff in my life. Right now I don't have a lot of outlets because my job has become a lot more involved, as I've mentioned before. I used to have my hikes and short road trips out to Simi Valley and Santa Clarita, but it's gotten hard to do those anymore because of the time factor. So I'm just working most of the time - and believe me I am glad and grateful to have the job - but if you read about some of the psychological stresses on caregivers, you will understand what I am talking about. Also, I am in my late 50s now, and in just three years I will be 60. That's not ancient, and I am trying to stay in shape and maintain some semblance of youth, lol, or at least middle age. But the thing is that I have been alone for a long time, and when you get older your sense of time speeds up. It makes the years feel like they are going by faster, and I sometimes worry that I am gonna be alone at 60, or 65, 70........
It's not something I dwell on, but it is a little scary to think about, because I don't have anybody. I don't have kids. I am all by myself, and I do not want to wind up at, say 75, living all by myself in a senior's apartment. And, though I have my several male friends, I just don't wanna be "one of the boys" any more. It's not easy for me, because I am a shy person, and that has affected me my whole life. It's not easy for me to meet people, but even if it were, I don't generally form superficial friendships. I only wanna be around people who "get it". And really, to tell you the truth, I can count the people I've known who "get it" (i.e. who understand life in a way that cannot be described) on one hand. Most of my friends do not fit into that category, even though they are good guys.
But you are one of those people. You "get it".
Now, there are several things I know. I know that you never asked me to write to you, that these blogs began, on Myspace in 2013, in an unsolicited (although symbolically acknowledged) way. I also know that we have a significant age difference, and that most young people probably would like to converse and be with people their own age. That's the way I was when I was in my 20s, and it's only natural. I also know that we live in two different states. So I am not expecting you to communicate with me in the way you would with your own friends who live close by and whom you know "in real life" (though I suppose this is real life, too).
As far as communication goes, I am not expecting anything at all from you, precisely because it was begun by me writing to you, and because it was unsolicited. But because you seemed to like me to write, and because we seem to have a connection in that way, I have done so - happily - for five years. Generally, I am a pretty happy guy, as you know, and things don't get me down. But recently it's just been getting a bit harder because of "caregiver stress" and that I am still alone at 57. And I don't have the outlets I had, with my hikes and such. Or not as much anyway.
Sorry about the bitching and moaning, lol. I guess the whole thing can be summed up in a sentence or two, or three (or four or five, etc, haha). I guess the first sentence is what I've said in the past, when these same issues have come up : I like writing to you, so there is no problem there. I just like writing anyway, putting my thoughts and feelings down. I've always hoped for more of a conversation, though, and that has not really been in the cards.
Another thing I'd say, or ask, is how important to you is my writing to you? I don't mean to put you on the spot, and you certainly don't have to humor me. If it's important, and if it means something besides just "oh, nice to hear from Adam today, he's a nice guy" (meaning casual interest), then by all means I will keep writing, though it's not easy when I have nothing to respond to.
And I guess the final thing I would ask is, do you see this form of communication progressing in the future? Again, not to put you on the spot. This form - me writing and you responding in the way you respond - has worked pretty well for many years. Would you like it to stay this way? If so, that is okay.
I want it - the communication - to be in whatever way you want. If my writing to you is something you continue to want in your life. If it is, I will try to keep doing it. If not, I understand as I've said before. The only problem is that when these gaps happen, or when I feel like Just A Guy On FB, it gets harder to maintain the spirit of the thing.
Sometimes I get depressed about stuff, and it's no fun.
I always rebound pretty quickly, though.
That's all for tonight. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
No comments:
Post a Comment