I Guess You Are Upset But I Am Not Sure Why

Hi Elizabeth,

I saw your post a few minutes ago, the one that said "the world was always awful : a history lesson for people who romanticize the past". It was the only post I saw all day from you, and it isn't the kind of post you usually like, so I guess you are pretty upset. I am not sure exactly what the words of that post refer to - what you intend them to mean. My first guess was that you thought the song I posted tonight was "awful", and that by posting it I am trying to "romanticize the past". I made that guess because your post appeared just a little while after I posted the song. I like old music - actually I like all kinds of music as you know - and I like to romanticize the past, present and future as well. I'm pretty sure you are aware of that too.  :)  It's just my nature; I couldn't be any other way if I tried.

I saw that the post came from some sort of nihilistic FB page, and while I am very aware of world history - one of my major subjects of study over my lifetime - I am not and will never be a nihilist.

A lot of stuff does indeed suck, and that has always been the case in the world, but there has always been more - much, much more - that was, and is, beautiful about the world, and life.

I have made the comparison in the past that if the bad stuff (call it evil or whatever you wish) outweighed the good, the world would have come to an end a long time ago. But it hasn't.

I know you know this, and you are not a nilhilist either. You are more the opposite, like me.

Anyway, I know you didn't pick that post just because it came from that particular FB page. You chose it for it's words, I am guessing, and whether you meant it in reference to tonight's old fashioned song or just toward me in general (that I romanticize the past), it is clear that you meant it to show you are upset with me.

If you are, I hope you will tell me why. I was not being critical of you in my blog the other night. I was only trying to tell you why I was feeling down, and I was trying to be honest. To boil it down, I was basically saying the same thing I said a few years ago, i.e. that while I don't mind communicating in this way, I can feel depressed about it when I see that you have direct contact with other guys.

I have been writing to you for five years. That is a long time, and I don't think anybody but me would have been willing to communicate in this way for this long a time. But I do it because I do love you, I do care about you, and because - in the unique psychic way this communication has worked - I have thought you felt the same way about me. I always keep in mind the age difference, because I don't want to assume anything, or come across as a "creepy old guy" (which I am not).

I have always enjoyed writing, but as I tried to explain, it sometimes gets a little difficult, just because there is no direct contact.

All I was trying to say on Sunday was that I got depressed about the situation because several factors added up - work stress, etc. - and Victor's post was the tipping point. That was all.

I don't care about Victor. Remember when I got upset about your friend Johan (John) a few years ago? And the other guy, from France?

But then I got over it.

I don't care about these guys; I am too old for that stuff.

All I care about is whatever the heck we are trying to do here, with our communication. And once in a while, I feel like I am in second place behind one of these guys.

I will say one thing, because I think it is important from a musical standpoint. If I were you, I would not get into a bunch of collaborations, with Victor or whomever. I hope it doesn't piss you off that I say that, but I say it because you have something unique, and it is very likely that the others may not.

You are able to capture a feeling with your music. Do you know how rare that is?

I do. 

I may not know a lot, but if there is one thing I do know, it's music. On that subject I have a phD.

You should focus on your own music. Just sayin'. Get pissed at me if you want to.

At any rate, if you are mad at me for anything I wrote on Sunday (and I can't understand why because I tried to explain myself) then please re-think it.

I wasn't mad at you.

I was not - and am not - gonna stop writing, or supporting you, or caring about you.

That is not ever going to happen.

All I was wondering was : where do I stand, in the communication scheme of things? And I felt that was a reasonable question after all this time.

And I posed the question : "what do you think"? (meaning You).

That was all.

I got depressed because I would like more communication with you, not less. And the Victor post kinda made me feel down, because it was like "who's he"? (I know he is your friend).

Well anyway, I am trying and I will keep trying.

It isn't easy right now. I am caring for a 93 year old dementia patient almost 24/7.

Anyhow, I am here, and I am thinking about you.

You are #1 with me. Even though we don't have direct communication, and even though I know you have a lot of people in your life and know me only from the computer, I hope you feel the same way.

Post if you can, and if you want to.

I Love You.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo  :):)