Feelings

Hi Elizabeth. I am sorry I didn't post on Facebook today. I wanted to, but my heart wasn't in it, and it wasn't because I don't love you; read any blog going back to February, and especially those from the past couple days - you are my life. I didn't post because I was sad, and once again confused. I wasn't going to post here either, just because I feel kind of washed out, but then I thought that communication is always the best option, and I have always been the one to promote that idea, so I am writing to communicate my thoughts.

I am wondering about this guy Aurelien? I ask because I see that he comments on many of your posts. has for a long time, and recently, when you posted that gorgeous photo of you by Kathryn Pearcy, he commented by calling you "beautiful one". Okay, I told myself, I know you have a lot of admirers, many from the Alcest fan base due to your video. Some have become your FB friends, that's cool. This particular guy certainly likes you, he has made that clear. Again, no big deal. But recently, you have responded by posting two "liked" photos of him, out in nature settings. Today you posted one such photo. I waited around to see if you might post something else, but now it is 10:30pm your time, and nothing. That has been your only post for the day.

On one hand, I feel stupid for even writing all of this, but then on the other hand, I have been walking around sad all day because I have been writing about you and I getting married. The title of my blog two nights ago was "I Love My Wife". Last night I pondered what cities we could visit. I am totally in love with you, Elizabeth, and I am making real-life plans to be with you. But then, on the afternoon following those two blogs, and following some very powerful symbolism by you (bride & groom dancing the tango, etc.), what do I see but a photo of a guy who has made it clear he likes you very much............that hurts.

Again I will say that all I have to go by is symbolism, and because of that, I connect emotionally with the symbols. If it is lighthearted, like a cartoon of Calvin & Hobbes, I laugh, the same if we are talking about shredders and then you post a photo of a Guitar Hero game. If it is a romantic symbol, I take it very seriously, and it is in large part because of those symbols that I have come to feel that you love me. However, when you post a couple photos of a handsome guy who likes you very much, and you post one of them right after my blogs about us getting married, I can't help but wonder if you are trying to tell me something. I even went over to Flickr and deleted my own photo that I posted, of me from 1989. Maybe it was stupid for me to do so, but I felt silly for having posted it. I wanted it to be special, but then there's this Aurelien guy again, in his picture that you posted, and I didn't feel my photo was so special after all.
Please remember that Lillian put me through the wringer, and one of the ways she did so, at least toward the end of our relationship, was to keep me guessing, to make me feel as if I had to compete with other guys for her attention. Then she pulled the rug out from under me, and it was a very painful experience to say the least. I realise this is the Internet, but my goodness, I have thought for a long time now that you and I are the Real Thing. Every word I have ever written to you has been from the bottom of my heart, and I have taken your symbols to heart. When we have talked about marriage, that is as serious as it gets, though of course I  know there is some waiting involved, and I will gladly wait, as I have always said. I will do anything for you, Elizabeth.

Reading this, you may be thinking, "boy, is he making a big deal out of nothing", and I have thought that maybe I am, too. But then I can't ignore the way I felt all afternoon either. I felt like I just wanted to go to sleep. Rememeber, the symbols are very powerful. I have hoped that one day soon we might be able to resume regular communication, but I have also said that even if we cannot - for whatever reason - that is okay, too. And that's because I love you, and even if you were stranded on a desert island somewhere, and all we had were messages in bottles, I'd wait and wait for every message you sent, because that's what love is, and what it does. It bonds two people soul to soul.

But what we have right now are symbols, and when I write about you and I getting married, and then you post Aurelien's photo - well, to me that's a symbol, and especially because today it was accompanied by no other posts. I felt silly for having written what I wrote, even though I meant every word, because it made me feel like "just another guy who likes you". The symbols are like traffic lights; when I see all your wonderful romantic posts, they are like green lights that say: "keep going toward your destiny". But when I see a post like Aurelien's photo, it's like a red light for me. It "stops" me and confuses me, because I thought we had all green lights.

Again, I know you have a lot of FB friends and admirers, and I also know that you may see this entirely different from the way I see it, that he is just your friend. But again, I have to be honest and say that it hurts. I don't expect for one minute that you should give up any friend, but I will say that, when people do eventually get married, you don't often see the husband with serious female friends or the wife with serious male friends. They might have friends of either sex who are mutual friends of both husband and wife, but those are their "together" friends. What you do see is the couple really bond into a family: man & wife, and children if there are any. That's what I've been trying to write about, that bonding. If I have been overwriting - overestimating the situation - as always I ask you to tell me. I have just been writing based on what I feel, and I have felt great love from you.

But tonight I had to write because of how I felt today, because today's feeling was real too, even if I have things all wrong. Nothing has changed, of course. You know I love you, always and with all my heart, but those kind of things have an effect on me, because of my experience with Lillian, and with this particular guy, it is clear he likes you.

But I will write again tomorrow, as always, and I will be on FB, too. I am certainly not mad about it, it just made me sad. If you are still awake, and want to respond, I will be awake till about midnight my time. Any response is fine, even if you think I'm being silly. :)

I Love You, Elizabeth. That's always the bottom line. :):)