I am back from my walk. So many thoughts were rushing through my head. I thought, "wow, I know now what's it's like to lose all your photographs in a fire", or at least a similar feeling to that, because I just lost all my words to you. Pretty ironic that I was just wondering if I wrote too much, or if I shouldn't write every day. There is a reason I wrote such a torrent of words for four straight months, and that's because no one has ever meant as much to me as you have, Elizabeth. All those blogs were my love letters to you. I am so, so sorry that I didn't archive them, but I just figured Myspace would be around forever, or at least for a little while longer. I surely didn't think they'd ever just shut the site down without a warning to users. Good Lord, I've been writing over there since 2005!
But the most important blogs of my life were the ones I had written since February. Oh, my Darling Elizabeth. I can't believe it, but it just demonstrates that we must always stay together and take care of each other. I will save every word from now on, and I have a great memory, so as I begin to write new blogs, I will bring back all that I can recall, just little details of things I can think of from this year's blogs. I will never be able to recreate them, but I will try to re-write the feeling of this year, little by little, as I continue to tell our story going forward.
Elizabeth, I always wanted to write in such depth for you. It's funny, because just the other day I asked you if I was over-emoting in my writing; I will never ask that question again. Yesterday I told you that I watched a movie called "The Impossible", about a family who must survive and find each other again after a terrible tsunami. We haven't experienced such a horror, but we have lost all those words, and those words were the direct expression of all the love that has been felt and shared between two human souls who, by a Miracle of God, found each other in this infinite Universe. But we were destined to meet, and to share such a miraculous love, and that is why those words were written, to express this love to God and to each other.
The words were an expression, inspired by You, and though they are deleted in cyberspace, they live on, because hearts are real, and souls are real, and lives are profound things. That is why I have tried so hard to describe it all, because it is so profound.
I have wanted to write with depth for you, and it's again funny because I don't generally speak this way. Writing is my inner voice, as I said a day or two ago. When I speak, I try to sound intelligent, but it isn't quite as..........formal, I guess would be the word. But in my writing, that is my soul speaking, and because I was writing for you, Elizabeth, I always wanted to give it full expression.
I could tell you "I Love You" a million times, and try to describe that feeling a million ways, and I could do it again and again, day after day, and it would still seem fresh to me, because the feeling never ceases.
When I tell you I have never experienced such a love, you don't know how true that is. This is the experience of a lifetime, and that's why I've been trying to record it all in my writing. I also think it's the greatest love story of all-time, and so I will keep writing about it, and I will never again ask if I write too much.
I am still really discombobulated, but I am gonna check FB to see if you have any messages for me. I probably won't sleep too well until I know you've found this. Oh my gosh.......anyway, I'll be back in a minute. I think you can edit and add to blogs here, so I will try to add to this same one. If not, check for another one. We can never lose each other, Elizabeth. You are My Life.
11:30pm : Okay, my wonderful and beloved Elizabeth. I see on FB that you deleted that very nice photograph of you and your best friend from high school. Now, sometimes FB has had some posting glitches lately, like when you didn't show up in the newsfeed for a couple days, and maybe this is a glitch, too, but the photo is also gone from your profile. I know that you are a super-genius, and so maybe your deletion of the photo is your way of acknowledging the "deleted" blogs at Myspace? I can't be sure, but the timing sure is specific. That photo was still there when I left for my 10pm walk, and when I got back, I checked after I wrote this blog and it was gone. That sounds like a message from you. It is 1:30am your time, so I won't ask you to stay up any longer, but just in case you are, I will be up till about 1:30am my time. Tomorrow is my last sleep in before I go back to work. I am gonna try and familiarize myself with the template here. Man, I loved the Myspace template; it was so easy to use, and had all the emoticons. I don't know if they have those here, but we have the "hearts/two smiley faces/hearts" logo patented. That is Us, my Baby, and if you ever wondered if there is anybody even remotely like Us, well now you know.
Do we rule, or what?
I am gonna go look around and see what I can see. I left a note at my Myspace, because the link still works and the page (my page) is still up. But all you can write now are little Twitter-sized notes ("F" Twitter!), and the viewer has to scroll sideways to find the doggone thing. All during my walk, I was sending you a telepathic message to "scroll sideways". :) So I will keep checking, see what I can see, and I will sign off before going to bed. Anything more you can tell me would be great. I will try to avoid messaging you, and won't do it unless it's a last resort. But in the big picture, please remember Elizabeth - and this is very, very important, there is nothing truer that I will ever say, cross my heart - in the big picture, you have both my phone numbers, and my e-mail, my FB private message, and even my home address (I think I gave it to you, but if not you can find it or I will give it to you). But in the big picture, we simply cannot lose each other, and this has been demonstrated to us tonight. So, just in case of anything, never, ever hesitate to contact me by any means necessary. I can feel that you feel this, too. For now, and for the present, and for the time being, our communication style is fine as it has been. We have improvised out of necessity and done a great job of it. But just in case.............you have all my contact info. I Love You, My Sweet and Beautiful Lady. I will check back in before I go to sleep.
12:30pm : Oh, man........this Blogger site has such a complicated control panel compared to Myspace. And, it has a page view counter, but it's confusing because it lists "66 page views" on one line, from things like "vampirestat", whatever the hell that is (some kind of tracker or blogsite value rating system). Most of the "66 page views" from tonight come from Vampirestat. This same thing happened when I started at Myspace - tons of immediate views - and at the time I wondered, "that can't be my friends, can it"? And I doubted it was just a bunch of random viewers who couldn't wait to read the blog of someone they didn't know.......sigh. It took a while at Myspace before the page views calmed down. And, here at Blogger there is also another line at the control panel which lists a more modest number of page views, "4", "2", and "2" for each of the three blogs I wrote tonight. So it's all very confusing and I still don't know for sure if you have found me. I for sure did not want to write a public update at FB with "OMG" or anything like that, because then all the nosy types would have chimed in, "what do you mean, OMG"? I didn't want to let them know anything about the Myspace thing, because I finally accomplished my goal of getting them to quit reading.
Well, Elizabeth, I am pretty wiped out right now, and I'm gonna go to sleep in a minute, but I will hope for certainty by tomorrow. One day, not too far from now, I will write you by hand, and you will have letters and notes that you can touch and hold in your hand to read. And no one will ever be able to delete them.
I Love You. Nothing Else Matters.
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