It's Just Me, As You Might Guess (I'm Only Human) (walk) (late night rambling)

Hi Elizabeth,

I am just getting home, kind of a long day today, but I did attend a very moving memorial service at Pioneer Cemetery. There was a Vietnam vet there who gave a very powerful speech. I also stopped by the Greek Festival for my annual tour of their beautiful church. And this morn, I began the day by taking Pearl and Kobedoggie to Lake Balboa. It was pretty hot today. I hope your day was good. :)

Well, you know as I sometimes say, I am only human. Ah, the foibles of human nature, right? And I have plenty of foibles! So, I was having a pretty good day yesterday, but then I got confused again. Knowing me as you do, I am sure you can guess why. Now, before I go any further, I ask - because of the lack of voice inflection and facial expression in textual conversation - that you read this in a spirit of good-natured........hmmm, what to call it?...........how about Good-Natured Resignation? Resignation as in a kind of "sigh" in recognition of not only the subject matter, but my own foibles as well. "Sigh", as in "oh brother, here goes Adam again".......It's a sigh, but not one of exasperation. Just a good natured sigh. So that's the spirit this is in.

First of all, congratulations on your musical collaboration. I am glad to hear you are still singing! And, as I say with all your projects, I always look forward to seeing or hearing them, if you choose to post. In this case, I imagine your friend will post. But that brings me to the crux of the matter, which as I am well aware is one of my main foibles.

Remember now, this is just a good natured question. This guy Johann, is he your boyfriend? Or, is the situation headed in that direction? I ask because our communication has changed quite a bit in the last several months. I know some of that has to do with school and general busy-ness of life, and also because of the way in which we communicate; it's one-sided as far as writing the words go. I do all of that, and as I have noted many times, I can't keep it fresh and interesting all the time since it is not two-way. That is no comment on you (or me), it's just the way it is, and also as I say, I know you've had one heck of a busy schedule.

But to get back to my question, I've mentioned Johann once before. I am a Noticer Of Things (it's my nature, just the way my brain works), and I guess it was about last Fall I noticed that he was popping up in every post you made, with the "like" button. I figured he was a fan. You had others like that. I just figured "he's a guy who just saw the Autre Temps video, and now he's on board". Is he from Germany? I say that because of his name. Anyhow, then a few months ago, I saw a post that seemed to indicate you knew him. No problem there, of course. Can't remember the post, it was probably music related. But still, he was popping up in every post, very often the first person to hit the "like" button (yeah, I realise it sounds childish of me to notice such a thing), but what one notices - when one loves Elizabeth! (me) - is that when another guy is hitting the like button with that much frequency, and that rapidly when she posts, is that "this guy seems to like Elizabeth, too". Anybody, male or female, would notice such a thing if they were in my position. I think I remarked about all this several months ago when I mentioned him the one other time.

But I just figured, "he's one of these guys from Europe who saw the video and is a fan".

Well, I thought that until yesterday, and then I got confused again. Super-confused this time, because of the different factors involved. First, I had thought he's from Germany or Europe, so I thought, "wow, if he came all the way to America to see Elizabeth.........yikes". I figured I was toast, y'know? I made an assumption because in the pic he posted on your FB, it said that he "came to Madison to record vocals". So I thought, "well, there are plenty of places to record vocals. He obviously came to Madison because he wanted to record Elizabeth's vocals". He wanted to work with you, which is awesome. And whether he came from Germany or wherever, that is quite a compliment to you.

But, and again please keep in mind the good-natured intent of all of this, because of the way in which our own conversation has changed, and it really has changed quite a bit since the days of Sam Cooke and Eric Whitacre, that is why I ask if he is your boyfriend, or if things are heading in that direction.

I ask because as I have said many times, it is hard for me to know where I stand. You see, in my heart I am coming from the days of Sam Cooke and Eric Whitacre, and from everything that happened in the amazing Spring of 2012, and Winter of 2013. That's where my heart still is located. But then I can't help but notice that our communication has dwindled quite a bit, and I sometimes wonder if I am posting things that are no longer wanted. I mean, mostly I communicate through these blogs (which I assume you still read), but I also post my songs and a ":):)" here and there. But when Johann pops up out of the blue, in person no less, I wonder if I am making a fool out of myself with my posts. If he wanted to collaborate with you, that is obviously something that is planned in advance, and again, my heart is still living in the land of Cooke and Whitacre, when our communication was straight-to-the-heart. But this collaboration, I wasn't even aware of until it happened. And this is a guy who clearly likes you very much. He travelled to your town to work with you, but obviously he likes you, too. I know, because I am a guy and I have been through things.

Now, of course your life is your life, and you can do whatever you want. You don't need me to tell you that. But I just ask, in all fairness to myself, too (cause I'm only a human being), if you could clarify for me what is going on. I would really appreciate it, cause even though I'm way over here, 2000 miles away, I really have given this my best effort, every day for over two years. I really have, and because there was once a time of Cooke and Whitacre, and great communication, my heart and sensibilities have continued to dwell there. I still love you as I always have, and I support you in all that you do. I have hoped that one day you will want to communicate directly once again, but I have been more than willing to do that on your timetable, when you are comfortable with it.

But it all depends on how you feel. How you feel about me, how you feel about Johan, etc. I just feel I needed to ask, because of the drop in our communication in recent months, and the fact that I only just discovered that Johann was not just a fan from somewhere out there on the Internet, but he was someone you know, who now seems to be a part of your life. I don't mean to jump to conclusions, and I hope I am not doing so. Perhaps he's just a friend, I have no idea. But I ask for the aforementioned reasons that I can see he likes you, and he travelled to see you, and I am far away, with my heart in the same place it's always been, but not knowing where I stand or what, if anything, has changed.

Please let me know?

You are awesome, Elizabeth, and you know that I love you, now and always.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo  :):)

9:40pm : Just to say that I am gonna go for my walk now, so I'll be back here about 10:45 or so.  :)

11:10pm : I am back and I see your two posts relating to the Student Cinema Showcase. You usually don't post at this time of night, so maybe you meant them for me? If so, I would guess that you mean you are busy with your film, and/or focusing on the upcoming showcase. Or maybe you are naturally excited about the showcase and didn't mean those posts in particular for me. But because I wrote what I wrote, and because you normally don't post late at night, I will guess that you meant them for me, and that the posts mean that, right now, you are busy with your film and excited about the showcase.

I am only even guessing that you read this blog, because ever since April, it shows zero stats on the main stat counter page, as in individual page views. Zero hits for individual blogs since April. But, on the overall stat counter, it averages 1 to 3 "page views" a day. So I dunno. But I am guessing you read at least tonight's blog.

If you are busy, no worries. Elizabeth, the last thing in the world I want to be is the proverbial Older Guy On The Internet, haranguing away with my opinions or what is right and wrong, et al. Please know that I am very hip in that regard. I understand young people because I am a Young People who just happens to be a few years older than the others. I very much understand about life, at least from my own perspective. And so because I understand, I am understanding.

Elizabeth, if you have gotten anything positive, or useful, in all the words I've written, then I have been blessed in a huge way. I want you to have an awesome life, in all the ways we have talked about, great and small. I do not want to constrain you, nor make you feel obligated to read or respond to me in any way.

I only want you to read or respond if you feel like doing so. If it is in your heart.

Now wait just a minute. Me to self: "shut up, Ad. You're overstating the case". And I am......

I am just trying to interpret your posts from a little while ago, if they were meant for me to interpret.

The thing is, I do love you, and I want to be here for you, and yet I am also aware of all that is going on. You have a ton of stuff going on right now.

It's just that I am also aware of the way human connections are established, and the interworkings inside those connections. Because of my life, and because of my makeup, and astrology, etc (my psi, in short), I get a feel for things - big picture down to minute details - that I have learned to rely on for accuracy. This trust in my intuition has helped me live my life, and I am not certain I'd be here without it.

What I am trying to say is that I understand all aspects of most any situation, and I most certainly never would use that understanding to do harm or cause bad vibes in any way. I am the opposite of that.

So, I will stand by for now, but I still hope you can answer my initial questions of this blog, just cause I don't want to get in the way if you have a new situation in your life.

Said with love and in good faith.  :)