Hi Elizabeth,
I am home from picking Pearl up at Golden Agers. I saw your post before I left, Humans Of New York. The words in the post can be interpreted in a few different ways, so I am just gonna go slow here with my comments. I will write as much as I can now, and then more later. I have to leave a little earlier than usual because I've gotta return some dvds at the library, and I also wanna do part of my walk so I don't have to do it all tonight. Anyway, I'll just start with the beginning of the post.
The lady says she has had "two wonderful men" in her life. If I am supposed to take that part literally, then I suppose that would be the central issue of the post. She goes on further to say that her first husband died and eventually she got engaged to the second man. I know it has to be difficult sometimes to find a post that conveys what you want to tell me, and then you have to hope I will interpret it correctly. The literal interpretation of that first part of the post would be that you have a boyfriend; i.e. a "second wonderful man".
I have said many times that if that ever happened, all you would need to do is tell me and I would understand. I would understand because you have a great many male friends, a few of them seem very fond of you (one in particular), they know you in real life, they live close to you, and they are closer to your own age. Here's an analogy - let's say that you kind of introduced yourself to us with your Autre Temps video. I don't know if you knew Johan and Kyle and some of the other guys before that, but I am guessing "no". So when that video came out, I met you a couple months later, we hit it off real well (like magic), we communicated directly, and up until October 2012, I felt like I was your guy. In fact, at that time, I wasn't even aware that you knew all these other guys. I thought it was just Stephane, your old boyfriend, and me.
Then in late September or October 2012, I got cut off. Our direct communication simply ended with no real explanation. You even got mad at me when I asked you about it in a couple FB messages after it happened. Then your FB started to change and got real private. Long story short, everything changed from open to mostly shut. Then in 2013, as we know, I was able to discern, from your posts, that you still wanted to communicate with me. I also discovered you had reciprocal feelings for me, and here we are. Around that time, you alluded to a reason for our communication stoppage, that it had to do with your parents. That sounded believable to me, and it still does, at least initially. I figured your Mom or Dad could have discovered you were communicating with a man in his 50s, and had a fit. As you were 19 then, it was very understandable. But I always tried to be a gentleman in my writings, even so.
At any rate, things have gone along steadily since then, with some ups and downs. One of the things that happened to me was that I discovered, little by little, that I was not the only guy in the picture anymore. I have been over this aspect several times, and there is no need to rehash it except to say that there were several times when a new guy would show up (in posts or pictures) and I would get jealous. Then I'd complain. Then you'd try to explain, and I'd try to understand. I finally would understand, for instance, that a particular guy was gay, or another guy was just a musician friend, or that you & Stephane were also now just friends. I would then "absorb" each "guy situation" emotionally, so that I could move forward, but I have to admit it took some getting used to. I figured, "well, Elizabeth is just 20, she'd beautiful & popular, and she's a Sag and they are known for having a trillion friends". But I also knew I wasn't the only guy in your life anymore. "Autre Temps" had opened things up.
Still, everything felt good between us, and we dealt with the ups and downs that came as a result of non-direct communication. Things that might have been more easily understood in a telephone call or an FB message sometimes got misconstrued through symbolic communication. But we still dealt with it. And things were basically great.
Then in 2014, two things happened, both of which I've been over a bunch of times, and so I won't dwell on them either, but I will mention them : hacking and Johan. With Johan, I felt like now I had a guy who was competing with me for your attention, and I've explained what I generally do in that situation. I step back and let the girl decide. Many times, since early 2014 when he entered the picture, I have felt like Johan has been the guy you have chosen. However, you have explained - or seemed to explain - that he's just a musical partner. So I have tried to absorb that as well, even though he's still around a lot. As a quick aside, or example, lets say we were actually married. If we were married and Johan knocked on the door and said, "Hi Adam, I'm here to record a song with Elizabeth". I'd say, "Hi Johan. Come on in". And if that happened, oh, a couple or three times a year, it would be no big deal. But if Johan started knocking on the door every weekend, or even every month, saying "I'm here to record a song" or "I'm here to go to a concert with Elizabeth", then I'd start wondering what the deal was, even if nothing happened between you two and even if you said he was only a friend. You see what I am saying? Even if these guys, and especially Johan are only friends, they are still around all the time. Now, I know we aren't married, but it's still something I have to emotionally absorb. And I have tried to, and to my credit I feel I've done a pretty good job. I say to myself exactly as I said before, "well, she's 22, she's beautiful & popular, etc. etc". Let her have fun, in other words.
Young people should have fun. And I believe you that those guys are only friends, even though I know that a couple of those guys might like it to be something more.
So I have tried to absorb each situation (even though I usually write a blog or two to whine about it) and I try to keep things going along from my end. And again, I feel I've done a pretty good job.
Right now, I see that I've gotta get going to the Libe and then to Pearl's, but I promise to write more tonight, and then keep writing during late night at Pearl's, so as to finish my thoughts on the matter.
For now, thanks for reading. I Love You and I will be back in just a while.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
7:25pm : Hi, Elizabeth. I am home. Gonna watch a "Walking Dead" and go on my walk in a while - aka Usual Stuff - but I'll continue with my thoughts for just a bit first, and then write more later tonight at Pearl's. First of all, I saw your posts about Versus Me and I Prevail, and I am glad not only that they are touring but that they are coming through Madison and other semi-close locations, so I know you'll be photographing shows, and that is fantastic. Those are great band names for a double bill tour, though Versus Me could be in trouble if I Prevail prevails...........or something like that, haha. :)
Anyhow, I hope everything is okay, and I am still trying (and wanting) to correctly interpret your Humans Of New York post. I know I tend to go off on tangents when I blog about all this stuff, and that's because when I write to try and explain feelings or thoughts, I have a million thoughts and feelings going through my head and so I tend to relate them as I might do if we were having a conversation. You know how a conversation can take a bunch of twists and turns and still stay on the same topic? Or at least re-emerge on the same topic? That's because an in-person conversation is spoken, and in a spoken conversation a whole lot of ideas can be expressed and exchanged very rapidly. A spoken conversation can even take a lot of twists and turns and cover a lot of side-issues and topics, and even take unexpected turns, and then it can still come out on the original topic you began with. Unfortunately, I tend to write that way sometimes, and I wind up going on and on about something I hadn't intended to go on and on about.
What I meant to say can be summed up in a few sentences.
If your Humans Of New York post meant that you do have another guy in your life - as per the text of that post - then I understand, for reasons mentioned above.
Although I once thought I was "the only guy" in your life (and I kind of enjoyed that feeling), I came to realise, in 2013 and beyond, that I was not. I discovered that you had many male friends, some who have become close friends, as mentioned above. And although I have whined about it in several blogs, I have ultimately absorbed each situation that has presented itself, and I have come to accept your male friends and the fact that you are a very popular person.
My main issue has been communication. I have had no direct contact with you for over three years now. Most guys would have been long gone after a few weeks. I am not only still here, but I still write every day. That's because I still feel the same way. The only time I don't write is when you don't post, because I run out of things to say if I am the only one communicating.
Finally, at some point our communication has got to move forward. Otherwise this relationship cannot develop. I am sorry I got upset in my blog last night, but what I was mainly trying to say is that I am older, and I do want and need to move things forward, because I am heading toward 60 (omg, I can hardly believe it, lol, but it's true). I know you are at the other end of the spectrum, and age and time feel entirely different to you. I understand because I've been there. That's why I've only asked for the smallest increments in improved communication. I haven't asked you to come visit me or even to call me on the phone. I haven't even asked you to restart our FB direct messages. All I have asked has been one single, small step : to let me know when I might expect direct communication to resume. Will it be next year? One month from now? Six months? Longer? All I have asked for is just an estimate.
I am not mad or upset about any of it. Oh sure, I have written blogs complaining about Johan or one of the other guys, and I've complained about the lack of direct communication, but once I write about it and have my say, I tend to absorb both the emotion and the situation. That's why I say, as an analogy, that if we were married it would be okay if Johan came by, say, a few times a year. But if he was coming by every weekend, I'd begin to wonder why you married me, lol. :)
I am at an age where, if I am to be in a relationship, I wanna lock things down. But there are levels of such a desire, and of the expectations involved. You and I are not married, so of course I understand and accept all your male friends. How could I not? Right now, I am just a guy on the Internet. Love or no love (and I know you love me and you know it's mutual), I've still never met you, nor spoken to you, nor even do we message each other. So it would be ridiculous for me to sit here and demand of a young lady I've never met, "Hey, you've gotta stop seeing all those guys"!
If we were actually married, that would become a reasonable request.
So there are variations on all these things, and I'm sure you see what I'm getting at.
I have never had a lot of women friends, myself. That's neither here nor there, because I don't have a great many friends of either sex. I am somewhat a shy person, not that gregarious, and it's not my nature to have hundreds of friends and acquaintances. But what if I did have a whole lot of female friends, and what if I hung out with them and went to concerts and such? Would you be able to deal with it? Perhaps you would. But I'll bet if we were married, you'd want me to stop.
So, it depends how far you want to go with this. If you want to move forward, it has to start with real communication, and I repeat that all I've asked for, for starters, is just an estimate of when that might happen. Meanwhile, I not only expect you to have fun with any and all guys and gals you know, I encourage it. You are 22, you should be having a blast, and you are a Sagittarian and it is your nature to be gregarious. You are a People Person, period. I have no problem with that whatsoever.
The complicated part seems to be on my end. I have only ever had one girlfriend in my life. I am not gonna discuss our relationship except to say that we went through something at the end that was not only extremely difficult for both of us, but it was also something that has been so incredibly difficult to comprehend that it has never been fully understood to this day, at least by me.
I have spent 26 years trying to understand what happened to us, and I am talking about a series of events here, and I have only - in my estimation - little more than scratched the surface. I would say I have been able to remember about 60 to 70% of the events in the given time period, but to remember what happened and to understand it is two different things entirely.
Understanding what happened to me in 1989 is the main goal of my life. You'd have to be me to see why, but if I ever had the chance to explain in person, you'd have a better understanding yourself.
If you ever do become personally involved in my life, rather then just over the Internet, then you will have to accept that what happened to me was real, and that I must get to the bottom of it. It's what I do. I also love to do all the regular everyday things I enjoy, but understanding 1989 is at the heart of it all. Lillian was also involved in 1989, and I don't mean as any kind of bad person, but as a victim.
I have no idea what her position is on the subject, because I have not spoken with her in 20 years. Two decades ago, when I had a drug problem, I was also just recovering my memory, and I approached the subject, and Lillian and others involved, wrongly and with aggression (though no violence). I paid my price for that, stopped taking all drugs 18 years ago, and in the meantime I have learned a more methodical approach. Mostly I keep the subject to myself, but I do continue to research it, and I also write the occasional FOIA letter to the Justice Dept., the Air Force, and others. What happened to us is not a figment of my imagination, not a joke, not a hallucination, not drug induced. It was none of those things. What it was, was 100% real.
Lillian was my girlfriend at the time it happened. I will not discuss our relationship on the Internet, though I used to write a lot of blogs on Myspace, and when you met me you may have read some or many of those, I don't know. I know you have some degree of access to my computer, maybe even total access, because you have been able to see when I have sent a friend request to Lillian on FB, or even when I have searched her name on FB so that I could look at her profile (which is private anyway, all I can see is her friends list). You are able to do all that, and I have forgiven that, too. I am beginning to think that there is something more than meets the eye with this computer thing, this ability you have to see what is being searched and looked at on FB. I am hardly tech-savvy, but I am perceptive to an extremely high degree.
All I have done is looked at Lillian's FB profile once in a while, and even so, all I can see is her friends list. Her FB is privatised, just like yours.
I have accepted and absorbed the idea of you going to concerts with Johan and Kyle, and as I've said it would be completely ridiculous of me to assume I had any right otherwise. If we were living together, or married, then I would have that right. But as of now, we don't even have direct communication.
If you want to have direct communication, then we can start to move things forward and lock things down. By "lock things down" I don't mean to ever suggest I would ask you to go against your nature. I have seen relationships where one of the two people tries to restrict all friendships and keep people out of their significant other's life, and it doesn't work. All it does is cause resentment. If you were with me, you could have as many friends as you wanted. All I would expect is that the male friends would not be calling and coming over all the time. That part would have to be toned way down (except for professional relationships of course). At my age, I just want my family to come first, even if my family is just me and my wife. And I would hope my wife would want the same.
But right now, things aren't locked down. We live in two different cities. You do have a lot of male friends, some of whom you see regularly, so - even though it's okay with me, I don't mind, honest - it's not what you can call a locked-down situation. But it can be, if you want it to move forward.
To move it forward, we have to move the communication forward.
I fully understand that you are just 22, just starting what is gonna be a fantastic career, and that you are in a very exciting time in your life. I begrudge you none of it, the opposite it true, and I am willing to wait, just as I've been waiting now - and writing - for three years. All I am asking for is an estimate. That's all. And if you don't know, that's okay too. I'll still write, I'll still wait.
I have only ever asked you for two definitive answers, should the issues ever come up. One is The Boyfriend Thing. If it ever happens, please tell me right away. And the other is if you ever just plain lose interest. I say that because sometimes you just don't communicate at all for two or three days, and I think, "hmmmm, maybe her heart isn't in it". I know it is, though, because you are still here too.
Well, this has certainly been a lot more than the "few sentences" I said I could sum things up with, but you know me - once I start writing, if I have something to write about, there's no telling where I'll stop.
I guess the bottom line, for now, is that if you wanna move things forward, then let's try to do that. If it's not possible at the moment, then we can keep going along as we have been. I won't complain about your friends, or the computer attachment you have on me. For your part, please don't get upset if you see an FB search name that you don't like. If you want to lock things down, we can lock them down. But it's gotta work both ways, and it's gotta involve direct communication.
That's all for now. I Love You, Elizabeth, and I am a good person. If you knew me in real life, you could see that for certain.
I'll write more back at Pearl's. For now, no worries, okay? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
12:20am : Hi Elizabeth, and Happy Late Night. I hope it is happy. I know I went on and on in this blog, but things are okay on my end, and what I would say now, at this hour, is just don't worry about stuff. I saw your post from "Back To The Future" (loved those movies!), and I like that message : "The Future Is Now". So please, even though I wrote a lot, about a lot of stuff, just don't worry and instead, just allow things to evolve and fall into place. You can help that process along by thinking about the things I've suggested earlier in the blog. But, as always, don't stop seeing your friends, etc. Go to concerts with whomever you want.
I want you to have a blast. Really! :)
That's what early 20s is all about. And in your case, you really are taking off in your photographic career. So just please concentrate on all the awesome stuff that is happening.
And last but not least, please just try to communicate. I know you have jobs lined up and tons of people wanting your time, but what you will learn as time goes by is how to manage all of that. It's all a matter of priorities and time management. With the guys, and I am talking about the guys who like you, they will want to monopolize your time when you are with them. That's how guys are. Especially young guys, with outsized egos. So if you go to Chicago, for concerts or projects or just to hang out, just try to set aside some time to communicate. That's all I'm saying.
Just think "time management" and "priorities", and then remember that I am working too, seven days a week, many hours a day, and I still make time to communicate. Do these things if you want to, and if you feel them in your heart.
Most of all, please continue to have fun and enjoy every day, because when you are my age, you will want to look back and see how incredible your life has been. So you've gotta focus on the positive, and if you knew me in person, you'd see that's what my life is about.
That's enough for tonight. I will see you in the morning. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
No comments:
Post a Comment