Good Morning, my Darling,
I'm just checking in to say hi and see how things are going, cause I haven't heard from you for a while. I know you are busy, so maybe it's just that, but I also wonder if you are upset with me. If so, I am trying to understand the reason, and all I can do on my end is just go over what I've written. It's been a complicated few days, what with all my explanations and lengthy blogs, but after Monday I figured we had it all sorted out and everything was okay. Looking at things from there, I posted another long blog, and in hindsight, I see that it's possible that what I wrote didn't translate as I'd intended. Such is often the result of an attempt at humor over the Internet, and especially my humor (probably dumb).
If that is the case, that you are upset because of that blog, please know that it was just my attempt to lighten the situation, but in reading it back myself, I can see how it might not have come across that way. Writing about stupidity can come across as arrogant, and while I was trying to poke fun at myself, too, I realize that the humor might not have come across, and that it could seem callous instead.
Right now, I just opened another window on the computer, so I can alternately type this blog and read back the other blog, too, the one entitled "Sheepish". And in reading it back, right now, I can see that it reads as glib. Me talking first about being in good humor, and then going on to say how "stupidity really bugs me", etc. etc. Boy, Ad - note to self : "Think before just assuming that what you type will come across, especially after going through a sensitive situation". The whole thing comes across as glib, and I can see that.
I was feeling very relieved on Monday, because I had gone through my jealousy, which I "acted out" by allowing my hurt feelings to get the better of me, and subsequently not writing to you on Friday night. Then on Saturday, I wrote all my explanations and you posted the Hand Over Heart. Then on Sunday, you were indeed busy with your photography, but I also got confused by the day's posts (no need to rehash them here), which were then cleared up when I saw your photo of Rebecca on Monday morning. So, after going through jealousy and a confusing few days, I was very relieved by Monday afternoon to have everything straightened out. And do you know how, when you go through a unpleasant or unnerving situation (cause I love you and misunderstandings equate to that feeling), you sometimes try to use humor to laugh it off, to lighten up the mood? That's what I was trying to do with my "Sheepish" blog. I was relieved, and was trying to make light of everything by making fun of my attitude, by bringing in my Dad's mindset and the way it affected me, etc., etc. etc.
And in reading that blog back, right now, I see that it only comes across as glib. I was feeling relief, but the only thing that comes across is arrogance, as if I was being dismissive of the whole situation over the weekend. You may have taken my words to mean that the weekend situation, brought on by my imperfections and plain old jealousy, was something I thought was stupid, or that I thought your friend was stupid - that I was dismissing the entire situation and being contemptuous.
Now I need to cross my hands over my heart and tell you, honestly, that was not my intention.
In my relief over the jealousy situation being resolved, I was attempting to be "cute" in my writing, and to unite everybody - so to speak - by saying that, if there was one thing we can all agree on, it's that stupidity sucks. By that, I did not mean that the weekend situation was stupid, or that your friend is stupid (I can tell he certainly isn't), but that we are all united, instead, by our love of intelligence. That's why I wrote the last part about Hipsters, too (because they really are dumb, lol).
I actually did have that conversation with my brother that day, talking about political correctness, and I am not particularly politically correct myself. It's why I generally keep my politics to myself, because I find a lot of absurdity coming from all factions, even though I have always been a registered Democrat, and the absurdity in politics, and in life as reported by the mainstream media, can take up all one's time if one chooses to focus on it. That's why I focus on art and the things I usually talk to you about. But all of that is neither here nor there, as far as that blog was concerned.
I did try to convey, in the "Sheepish" blog, that I was sheepish about my feelings of jealousy, because while I was able to analyse their origins in hindsight, I was still unable to prevent them from arising, me being "just a guy" and all. So, in the "Sheepish" blog, I wrote that in hindsight, I did not like (was not proud) that I had expressed dislike for your friend, and that it is against my nature to dislike anyone. Then I went further, and tried to explain that - being politically incorrect due to living in the modern world - and simply being an intelligent human, that it wasn't always possible to like everything and everyone, but that for me, because I really want to like everyone, what I was really not liking in life was the general stupidity in the world as a whole.
It was all my inept attempt to try and relate complicated feelings by relating a conversation between Chris and I, and trying to leaven it with humor - humor that I see could easily have come across as glib. In hindsight, all I did with that blog was make things more complicated. Humor doesn't always translate on the internet, especially when it's obtuse.
If you are mad at me - and I say "if" because I don't know for sure if that's the case - but if you are, and if that blog is the reason, I apologize. I didn't mean it the way it reads. If you were not mad at me, and just busy, then that blog needed explaining anyway. Always, always remember, if anything is ever wrong, you can always tell me about it, just like you used to when we were talking one-to-one. I don't want you to hurt; things have been going so well, at least it seems to me, and you are doing so well in your photography and with your other projects (film, etc), that I don't want anything to cause you to hurt, or even be a distraction.
I will always do anything for you, Elizabeth. If we go back to some of our one-to-one conversations, it's important to remember some of the things we said. I Love You, and I also wish for your family harmony, and I also like to think of myself as part of the family, even if I haven't met you guys yet. But support is one thing you can always count on from me, in communication, and in all ways.
I Love You, have a great afternoon, and I will be back this evening. :):)
10:45pm : That is a pretty picture of the water lillies and the bird. That's part of his world. We have this huge round tree a few doors down from my building, full of leaves, branches sticking out in every direction, and I like to think of it as a globe, a Critter World housing everything from birds to squirrels to insects, and then I like to imagine it from their perspective, like a major expedition for the ants would be going all the way down one branch, past the trunk and all the way up another long branch to "the other side of the world". Then for the bigger critters, each branch is like a neighborhood. It's neat to look at an environment from a small creature's perspective.
I was out with my camera too this eve. Just went down to the grove, nothing fancy, but I'm always looking for new ways to shoot stuff and I'm still on my black and white kick. Nothing exceptional tonight, but I did get a cool picture of some turtles that I put on Flickr.
I wanna start shooting more at random, not uncomposed but just trying to capture scenes with lots of different objects in them, random stuff, buildings, street scenes, a light in the distance, a car turning a corner, a cloud in the sky - lots of stuff in the same picture, but without clutter, and trying to "vibe" it so it comes out looking random yet still with good composition. What I want to do is remove myself from the process, so that I am not "taking a photo" but capturing something in it's own space. I have thought that the human eye is literally - physically - part of the picture taking process, and if you think of an SLR camera, and that the light goes right through the lens and is refracted through the viewfinder, and furthermore that the eye is looking through the viewfinder, and the eye is refractory itself, then you see that the eye, at least in a through-the-lens SLR camera, is physically part of the photographic mechanism. In a single lens reflex camera, the eye refracts the light back at the frame. That is why you can get those "iris" shaped light artifacts when the sun is shining at a certain angle into your lens. You know how it's fun to squint when the sun is coming through your lens? And you know how you can sort of adjust the lighting artifacts, to produce "light rings" or "sunray showers", etc? Well, you can get those "iris cresents" too. You can get all kinds of effects when utilizing your eye as part of the camera mechanism.
I want to take it a step further and try to use the mind as part of the mechanism, too, in those random (but not uncomposed) shots I was talking about. In that respect I am influenced by my late friend Dave (aka Mr.D), who was not a technical photographer in the slightest, but who got some intuitive shots that I wish I had taken.
So there's a few photographic thoughts for the evening.
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxo :):)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
A Special Memory (more added, thinking about you) (goodnight kiss added)
Happy Afternoon, my Sweet and Wonderful Lady. I am getting started a little later today. I actually slept in until 9:30. That almost never happens on my first day off because I am so programmed to wake up early, but I am glad I was able to get the extra sleep, cause I feel really good. I hope your day is going well. I wanted to tell you about something I thought of, one of those special memories that make me love you so much, even though I already love you so , so much. This is one of those little things that mean so much, a day that lives on in memory, and I was reminded of it just a little while ago.
I was on FB, and I saw that Agalloch had announced a short California tour, which includes a stop in Los Angeles. So, I was excited. Then I wished you could come with me, and of course I hope they expand the tour so that you do get to see them. But then came the really special part, my memory from last Summer. I remembered back to a night from a year ago, can't remember if it was July or August, but it was a night when you were going to see Agalloch in Chicago, and I was going to see a theater version of "The Exorcist" in Westwood. This was during the time you were working on your version of "Not Unlike The Waves", (which I love), and you were going to try and talk to the guys in Agalloch to see if you could send it to them. I knew you were a little nervous because you had said as much, and as it turned out, you did meet Aesop, and then John after the show, and ultimately you did send the song to Aesop. Things changed after that, and you decided to change your focus a little, in music, and lean toward photography a little (and I know you still love both music and photography, and you always will do both), but the memory is more about the activity of that evening, rather than anything else.
We had chatted earlier in the day, and maybe in the days prior, about you meeting those guys. I remember saying something like, "oh, it's easy. Just wait around by the stage door" (or merch table, etc). I said something like that, and you mentioned that you were a little apprehensive about it, but my memory begins that evening. I was just getting to Westwood, which is down near UCLA, about 20 miles from Northridge, and I think I was just getting ready to enter the playhouse. It was - okay, I just Googled it! - the date was July 20th, 2012. So it was the first time I saw the play of "The Exorcist" (I wound up going a second time, in August). I had asked you to tell me how things went at your Agalloch show, and you were two hours ahead of me, so if I got to Westwood at around 7 or 7:30, then it was 9 to 9:30 for you. And I remember thinking, "this is exciting"!, because you were at Agalloch, and they rarely had toured up to that point, and neither of us had ever seen them, and I was about to go in to see "The Exorcist", which I'd seen many times as a movie, but never as a play. So there was a lot of excitement in the air.
And much of the excitement, for me, was built upon the fact that I loved you, and had just told you so only two weeks prior to that evening. And now here we were, each at our respective shows. We were two thousand miles apart, and yet we were right next to each other. Such was the feeling of a shared evening of excitement.
So, I was getting ready to enter the theater, and it was such a lovely evening, and I was thinking of you, and I decided to check FB on my cell phone. I don't have a fancy cell, no iPhone or anything, just a basic cell, so I rarely use it for data purposes, because it just isn't that efficient. But, that night, I just wanted to see if you had messaged.
And lo and behold, while I was standing in the theater lobby, looking at my FB on my cell phone, you messaged me. And you said something like, "I just met Aesop". Or maybe it was just before you met him. But we started talking back and forth, and you were nervous but excited, and I was saying things like, "just act like you own the place", and "don't worry, rock stars are just people like you and me". I was trying to encourage you. Then, after a few minutes, you signed off, and both your concert and my play were about to begin. It was a very exciting night.
My special memory is of being in that lobby, and seeing that FB chat message all of a sudden, and thinking, "wow! We're both at our different shows, so far apart, but here we are together". And I was trying to egg you on, and you said you had just met one of the guys.........and it was all so very, very sweet.
So exciting, and also so very sweet.
After signing off on FB, I went into the playhouse and sat down, in expectation of an awesome show, which I got. But as I watched the play, my mind never left the club in Chicago, where you had messaged me from earlier.
I thought, "Wow................just a couple weeks before this night, it took me all the courage in the world to tell Elizabeth I loved her. Now, tonight, she just messaged me from Chicago, and we talked like the closest couple in the world. She is away from home, and I am away from home (though not as far away), and we are both seeing shows for the very first time, and it is all so very exciting........
......but just now, to meet up like that in the lobby - that's what it felt like, that we had "met up" before our shows began - was so special.......".
And my heart and mind stayed with you all during the play. When it was over, I couldn't wait to check my FB again, from my cell phone, to see how your concert had gone. I don't remember if I heard from you later that night, which would have been very late, your time, or if you told me about it the next day, but you did give me a full report, and, as in life in general, everything worked out as fate would have it. And here we are today. :):)
But that's my memory - being in that lobby, deciding to check FB from my cell, and having you pop up on chat almost exactly at the same time.
I thought - my goodness do I ever love that girl.
And I just had an inkling.........just a little bit, that night a year ago......"maybe she loves me, too".
God Bless You, my Dear Elizabeth. Here's to special nights and wonderful memories.
I Love You So Very, Very Much! :):)
9:50pm : Hi, my Darling. I just got back from the second half of my walk. I like to divide it up whenever possible so I don't have to do the whole five miles at once, and since I had the day off I could do that. It's cool outside, almost cool enough for a sweatshirt. Strange for July, but then, with the exception of a few really hot days, this has been a mild Summer so far. I hope your day was good. I didn't hear from you, so I hope everything is okay. I know you work, too, and you are busy enjoying your Summer and your photography. I always hope things are good for you at home, too.
I didn't do much today, but it always feels good to rest up and get my full energy back, and it is always interesting how my body resets to it's natural biological hours. On my days off, I go back to feeling like myself, in the physical sense. But I sure wish you were here, or I were there. I sure loved thinking and writing about the Agalloch memory from last year. It's nice the way a memory can be so strong as to bring a moment or an evening back to life, so that you can almost re-live it. And when you re-live such a memory, you can remember, in our case, how our love was created, and how it grew, and how the days and nights felt, and the special, memorable moments.........and you can re-live them.
And it's very beautiful.
With special memories (and we have many), I like to sort of keep them in a "jewelry box" in my mind, and in my heart, and take them out with special care at special times, when I can really appreciate them, and never just give them a once-over, or think of them in passing, or when I am rushed. When I think of meeting you, and the instantaneous way we clicked, for instance.........that memory is like a jewel, something precious to be examined in a special light, a special frame of mind, so that it can be seen, and re-lived, for it's full worth.
I will be up for a little while, and I will be back to say goodnight. But as always, I've been thinking about you all day. You are My Angel. :):)
11:50pm : You might be asleep by now, but I will say goodnight anyway and the thought will still reach you. I am gonna imagine myself there next to you, and we will be together all night. I Love You, Elizabeth.
You are everything to me. xoxoxoxo :):)
I was on FB, and I saw that Agalloch had announced a short California tour, which includes a stop in Los Angeles. So, I was excited. Then I wished you could come with me, and of course I hope they expand the tour so that you do get to see them. But then came the really special part, my memory from last Summer. I remembered back to a night from a year ago, can't remember if it was July or August, but it was a night when you were going to see Agalloch in Chicago, and I was going to see a theater version of "The Exorcist" in Westwood. This was during the time you were working on your version of "Not Unlike The Waves", (which I love), and you were going to try and talk to the guys in Agalloch to see if you could send it to them. I knew you were a little nervous because you had said as much, and as it turned out, you did meet Aesop, and then John after the show, and ultimately you did send the song to Aesop. Things changed after that, and you decided to change your focus a little, in music, and lean toward photography a little (and I know you still love both music and photography, and you always will do both), but the memory is more about the activity of that evening, rather than anything else.
We had chatted earlier in the day, and maybe in the days prior, about you meeting those guys. I remember saying something like, "oh, it's easy. Just wait around by the stage door" (or merch table, etc). I said something like that, and you mentioned that you were a little apprehensive about it, but my memory begins that evening. I was just getting to Westwood, which is down near UCLA, about 20 miles from Northridge, and I think I was just getting ready to enter the playhouse. It was - okay, I just Googled it! - the date was July 20th, 2012. So it was the first time I saw the play of "The Exorcist" (I wound up going a second time, in August). I had asked you to tell me how things went at your Agalloch show, and you were two hours ahead of me, so if I got to Westwood at around 7 or 7:30, then it was 9 to 9:30 for you. And I remember thinking, "this is exciting"!, because you were at Agalloch, and they rarely had toured up to that point, and neither of us had ever seen them, and I was about to go in to see "The Exorcist", which I'd seen many times as a movie, but never as a play. So there was a lot of excitement in the air.
And much of the excitement, for me, was built upon the fact that I loved you, and had just told you so only two weeks prior to that evening. And now here we were, each at our respective shows. We were two thousand miles apart, and yet we were right next to each other. Such was the feeling of a shared evening of excitement.
So, I was getting ready to enter the theater, and it was such a lovely evening, and I was thinking of you, and I decided to check FB on my cell phone. I don't have a fancy cell, no iPhone or anything, just a basic cell, so I rarely use it for data purposes, because it just isn't that efficient. But, that night, I just wanted to see if you had messaged.
And lo and behold, while I was standing in the theater lobby, looking at my FB on my cell phone, you messaged me. And you said something like, "I just met Aesop". Or maybe it was just before you met him. But we started talking back and forth, and you were nervous but excited, and I was saying things like, "just act like you own the place", and "don't worry, rock stars are just people like you and me". I was trying to encourage you. Then, after a few minutes, you signed off, and both your concert and my play were about to begin. It was a very exciting night.
My special memory is of being in that lobby, and seeing that FB chat message all of a sudden, and thinking, "wow! We're both at our different shows, so far apart, but here we are together". And I was trying to egg you on, and you said you had just met one of the guys.........and it was all so very, very sweet.
So exciting, and also so very sweet.
After signing off on FB, I went into the playhouse and sat down, in expectation of an awesome show, which I got. But as I watched the play, my mind never left the club in Chicago, where you had messaged me from earlier.
I thought, "Wow................just a couple weeks before this night, it took me all the courage in the world to tell Elizabeth I loved her. Now, tonight, she just messaged me from Chicago, and we talked like the closest couple in the world. She is away from home, and I am away from home (though not as far away), and we are both seeing shows for the very first time, and it is all so very exciting........
......but just now, to meet up like that in the lobby - that's what it felt like, that we had "met up" before our shows began - was so special.......".
And my heart and mind stayed with you all during the play. When it was over, I couldn't wait to check my FB again, from my cell phone, to see how your concert had gone. I don't remember if I heard from you later that night, which would have been very late, your time, or if you told me about it the next day, but you did give me a full report, and, as in life in general, everything worked out as fate would have it. And here we are today. :):)
But that's my memory - being in that lobby, deciding to check FB from my cell, and having you pop up on chat almost exactly at the same time.
I thought - my goodness do I ever love that girl.
And I just had an inkling.........just a little bit, that night a year ago......"maybe she loves me, too".
God Bless You, my Dear Elizabeth. Here's to special nights and wonderful memories.
I Love You So Very, Very Much! :):)
9:50pm : Hi, my Darling. I just got back from the second half of my walk. I like to divide it up whenever possible so I don't have to do the whole five miles at once, and since I had the day off I could do that. It's cool outside, almost cool enough for a sweatshirt. Strange for July, but then, with the exception of a few really hot days, this has been a mild Summer so far. I hope your day was good. I didn't hear from you, so I hope everything is okay. I know you work, too, and you are busy enjoying your Summer and your photography. I always hope things are good for you at home, too.
I didn't do much today, but it always feels good to rest up and get my full energy back, and it is always interesting how my body resets to it's natural biological hours. On my days off, I go back to feeling like myself, in the physical sense. But I sure wish you were here, or I were there. I sure loved thinking and writing about the Agalloch memory from last year. It's nice the way a memory can be so strong as to bring a moment or an evening back to life, so that you can almost re-live it. And when you re-live such a memory, you can remember, in our case, how our love was created, and how it grew, and how the days and nights felt, and the special, memorable moments.........and you can re-live them.
And it's very beautiful.
With special memories (and we have many), I like to sort of keep them in a "jewelry box" in my mind, and in my heart, and take them out with special care at special times, when I can really appreciate them, and never just give them a once-over, or think of them in passing, or when I am rushed. When I think of meeting you, and the instantaneous way we clicked, for instance.........that memory is like a jewel, something precious to be examined in a special light, a special frame of mind, so that it can be seen, and re-lived, for it's full worth.
I will be up for a little while, and I will be back to say goodnight. But as always, I've been thinking about you all day. You are My Angel. :):)
11:50pm : You might be asleep by now, but I will say goodnight anyway and the thought will still reach you. I am gonna imagine myself there next to you, and we will be together all night. I Love You, Elizabeth.
You are everything to me. xoxoxoxo :):)
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sheepish (sweet dreams added)
Good Evening, my Baby. It's just me, feeling a bit sheepish but in good humor. I know I get pretty wordy sometimes, lol. "Jeez Louise, Ad" - me to self. But, it's good for me to analyse my thoughts and motivations, and to work on things, and I promise to keep working on the things that need working on! That said, I am glad everything is good, and I always enjoy it when the humor comes through on things. I was talking with my brother earlier, and I mentioned the Dad thing, and how it influenced us kids and our way of thinking, and I was then also thinking of Mom, and her viewpoint, and trying to balance the two influences, and I mentioned to Chris that we were brought up, in general through a combination of both parental influences, to treat people right and not to judge, and I also grew up in the 1960s, when schools were integrated. We thought nothing of other skin colors, nationalities, etc. I have mentioned that, at least in L.A., is it generally the same way with gay people - they are just another type of "L.A.People" because here, nobody generally notices or cares much about racial or sexual differences, or if they do they keep it to themselves.
But the point is that, as I was talking to my brother, I mentioned that I am not Pollyanna about people, despite my Mom's best intentions, and because of Dad's influence and the fact that we live in dumbed-down times, I do have things that bug me. And I thought about it, and I said, well, I don't like rap, for instance, but I'm certainly not a racist. Definitely not homophobic, not anti-Religion (though I hate the way Christianity gets twisted around by some factions). I'm not a right-winger but I don't defacto hate Republicans.
But I still have things that bug me, and it comes from Dad's influence. So I thought, what does that make me?
And it hit me : I'm a Stupidist.
Stupidity really bugs me; I don't like it, I'm definitely against it, and I know it when I see it, in all it's forms. So, I also thought that it's the one "ism" that might actually catch on! I mean, everyone knows that racism isn't cool, nor other "ism"s, even ones that don't have an "ism" at the end! But Stupidism? Now that just might be socially acceptable, and it might even catch on! Nobody likes stupid people, or stupid culture, and of course we are talking not about nice people of lesser intellectual ability, but about Stupid People and Stupid Stuff, and everybody knows it when they see it. So yeah, that's me - I'm a Stupidist. But then, there are times when I will have to be prejudiced against myself, because I do Stupid Stuff, too. But I will keep learning, or else I could wind up having to kick myself out of the Stupidist Party.
Me and Chris were talking, and I was thinking about it, and I was thinking that I do like people, it makes me happy to like people, I hate disliking people, but all the same, I'm not Pollyanna. I do wear rose colored glasses, but they're a little scratched. So, I thought, wouldn't it be great if everybody could unite on something, some principle that would make us all look past our differences? That way the whole world could get along, and there would be Peace On Earth. But then I thought, well, people are people, and the World has been fighting since time began. But then my optimism took over again, and I thought, "there must be a way........there's got to be some principle that will unite everyone, regardless of race, religion, national background, etc".
And then it hit me : Hipsters.
Name me one person who likes Hipsters! The whole world agrees that they're obnoxious, even Eskimoes at the North Pole think so! And even the Hipsters themselves know they're uncool, so in that way, the whole world can unite around that belief.
Anti-Hipsterism is the wave of the future. Brought to you by the leader of the Stupidist Party. ///
I am gonna be up for a little while because I can sleep in tomorrow, so I will be back in a little bit. I Love You So Much, Elizabeth. A giant hug and kiss, and I will be back in a few to say goodnight. xoxoxoxo :):)
11:15pm : I will say goodnight now, because it is two hours later for you, and you are going to sleep or are already there. But I hope you're still awake! With your pic this morning, when you say "client" I am guessing that means the model (your friend) solicited you? That is fantastic, Elizabeth. You have an eye for photographing people, which is not an easy thing - making people look good in pictures. Not everyone is photogenic, even good looking people, so to be able to capture their best looks and best angles is a real art. You love photography, and I think that is awesome. Just keep putting your pictorial stamp on everything you photograph, and that will bring more clients. And, as with someone like Annie Liebowitz, a great people photographer, it is not only your photographic talents that will bring out your best work, but your ability to make the subject relax and feel uninhibited - as if there was no camera watching them. You are taking great pictures this summer! And if you are having a great summer, as it seems, then that makes me very happy indeed, for I have had the privlege of watching you blossom as an overall Artist, with now your photography included. I just say, as always, keep going. It's all about the journey - the pictures taken, songs written, places visited, sensations felt - and the more you do it, every day, the more it becomes indelible.
It becomes your new dna, who you are . You are creating yourself.
I Love You and will see you in the morn, maybe an hour later than normal, but who knows - I can never seem to sleep in on my first day off anyhow. But I will be here, and on FB, in any case.
Sweet Dreams and Much Love. :):)
But the point is that, as I was talking to my brother, I mentioned that I am not Pollyanna about people, despite my Mom's best intentions, and because of Dad's influence and the fact that we live in dumbed-down times, I do have things that bug me. And I thought about it, and I said, well, I don't like rap, for instance, but I'm certainly not a racist. Definitely not homophobic, not anti-Religion (though I hate the way Christianity gets twisted around by some factions). I'm not a right-winger but I don't defacto hate Republicans.
But I still have things that bug me, and it comes from Dad's influence. So I thought, what does that make me?
And it hit me : I'm a Stupidist.
Stupidity really bugs me; I don't like it, I'm definitely against it, and I know it when I see it, in all it's forms. So, I also thought that it's the one "ism" that might actually catch on! I mean, everyone knows that racism isn't cool, nor other "ism"s, even ones that don't have an "ism" at the end! But Stupidism? Now that just might be socially acceptable, and it might even catch on! Nobody likes stupid people, or stupid culture, and of course we are talking not about nice people of lesser intellectual ability, but about Stupid People and Stupid Stuff, and everybody knows it when they see it. So yeah, that's me - I'm a Stupidist. But then, there are times when I will have to be prejudiced against myself, because I do Stupid Stuff, too. But I will keep learning, or else I could wind up having to kick myself out of the Stupidist Party.
Me and Chris were talking, and I was thinking about it, and I was thinking that I do like people, it makes me happy to like people, I hate disliking people, but all the same, I'm not Pollyanna. I do wear rose colored glasses, but they're a little scratched. So, I thought, wouldn't it be great if everybody could unite on something, some principle that would make us all look past our differences? That way the whole world could get along, and there would be Peace On Earth. But then I thought, well, people are people, and the World has been fighting since time began. But then my optimism took over again, and I thought, "there must be a way........there's got to be some principle that will unite everyone, regardless of race, religion, national background, etc".
And then it hit me : Hipsters.
Name me one person who likes Hipsters! The whole world agrees that they're obnoxious, even Eskimoes at the North Pole think so! And even the Hipsters themselves know they're uncool, so in that way, the whole world can unite around that belief.
Anti-Hipsterism is the wave of the future. Brought to you by the leader of the Stupidist Party. ///
I am gonna be up for a little while because I can sleep in tomorrow, so I will be back in a little bit. I Love You So Much, Elizabeth. A giant hug and kiss, and I will be back in a few to say goodnight. xoxoxoxo :):)
11:15pm : I will say goodnight now, because it is two hours later for you, and you are going to sleep or are already there. But I hope you're still awake! With your pic this morning, when you say "client" I am guessing that means the model (your friend) solicited you? That is fantastic, Elizabeth. You have an eye for photographing people, which is not an easy thing - making people look good in pictures. Not everyone is photogenic, even good looking people, so to be able to capture their best looks and best angles is a real art. You love photography, and I think that is awesome. Just keep putting your pictorial stamp on everything you photograph, and that will bring more clients. And, as with someone like Annie Liebowitz, a great people photographer, it is not only your photographic talents that will bring out your best work, but your ability to make the subject relax and feel uninhibited - as if there was no camera watching them. You are taking great pictures this summer! And if you are having a great summer, as it seems, then that makes me very happy indeed, for I have had the privlege of watching you blossom as an overall Artist, with now your photography included. I just say, as always, keep going. It's all about the journey - the pictures taken, songs written, places visited, sensations felt - and the more you do it, every day, the more it becomes indelible.
It becomes your new dna, who you are . You are creating yourself.
I Love You and will see you in the morn, maybe an hour later than normal, but who knows - I can never seem to sleep in on my first day off anyhow. But I will be here, and on FB, in any case.
Sweet Dreams and Much Love. :):)
I Think I Got It (I Hope So, I Have A Thick Skull, lol)
Good Morning, my Darling. I am home from Pearl's, and now I have five days off, until Saturday afternoon. Yippee is the word for it, and I am gonna relax and sleep in. (Man, I miss my Myspace emoticons, cause they really helped me tell a story!).
Well...............sigh.
So I think I've got it now. The late-night camera guy post meant that you were doing a photo shoot yesterday. We need a language, like "camera picture means photo shoot". I mean, we do already have a language, and I have remarked in the past on how amazing it actually is, considering what we've built out of it, and doubly considering that we never formally said, "This symbol means such-and-such, and that symbol means thus-and-so". I have come to learn a lot of the language just by intuition, and also because you are so good at symbolic messaging, and I am good at understanding them; that is part of our Connection, something that, as a gift, is never to be underestimated.
But as we know, I am not perfect - nobody is - and so I did not understand the Aurelien post yesterday, mostly because of the immediacy of it, and then moreso because up until late last night, when you posted the camera guy, it was your only post of the day. So, I thought the Aurelien post might be a way of saying "......in your face, Ad"! As in, "He's my friend and that's that, and if you don't like it, tough". But I had already said as much, that you didn't need to change anything for me, and that of course you should still be his friend.
Coming on the heels of your Saturday posts, which I had interpreted as being "for me" - come visit Madison (which I want to asap), the "hands over heart" pic, the "baby" pic (baby pics I have always interpreted as "I'm your baby" and vice-versa), and the "girl-in-hat, life is good" photo - I then saw only the Aurelien post all day Sunday, and again, because of it's immediacy, and because it was something of his that you might not ordinarily have responded to, just a note about a Neil Halstead show, I got a mixed signal about the whole thing. Here again are the mechanics of what happened, and they happened because my symbol reading got thrown out of whack:
A) I thought everything was good after Saturday, because I interpreted all your posts as being directed toward me. Every post, as I interpreted each, sent a message saying "It's okay, I understand, I love you". That was how I interpreted your response to my long explanatory blog about Thursday's episode re: Aurelien. So, by Saturday evening, after seeing your posts, and especially "hands over heart", I wrote my blogs of Saturday night, to say thank you for understanding, and that I love and cherish you.
But then, B) Late afternoon Sunday I saw the Aurelien post, which caused me to second guess my earlier interpretations of your Saturday posts. I got a mixed-message from it. Remember that I only have symbols. I know I keep repeating that fact, but it is important, because if we were talking, the message would be clear. With symbols, I only have my best guess, without any follow-up acknowledgement from you. Usually, 99% of the time, our symbolic language works fine. But yesterday, it broke down, for me, because of the immediacy of the Aurelien post (the first post following Saturday's wonderful posts), and also because of what I took as the randomness of it. I mean, a Neil Halstead Paris show is nice, but not something you normally respond to. So, the immediacy coupled with the randomness caused me to second guess, and my symbolic reading ability got thrown out of whack. I thought you might be saying, "I like Aurelien and tough luck if you don't like it", or I also thought you might be mad at me because I had said I wasn't a big fan of the guy. But I did try to explain my reasons. And then I even added at the end of my explanation that maybe, in the long run, I might discover that he was okay after all. If you go back and read it, you will see I said that.
It is not my nature to dislike people. Though I am far from Pollyanna in the social aspect of things, and though I do agree with my Dad's infamous statement that "not everyone is entitled to his opinion" (lol), I still, in my nature and in my heart, like to take people at face value. There are out-and-out a-holes in the world, of course, and there are saints, and there are everyday people in the middle. Most of us, socially speaking, are just everyday people with our (mostly) good points and our imperfections. If you were physically around me - here with me, or I with you - you would see how I am in person. I like to think people like me, and almost always I like people. I even have friends who I find somewhat obnoxious, but I try to find the parts I like about them. I am not an overly social person, however, and that is because I find that many people - even friends - have "agendas", and they want to bring you down with a lot of negativity, or they have superficial interests, or they just plain don't understand things - they don't understand The Glimpses, if you know what I mean (and I know you do!). In my life, I have had maybe four or five people I could converse with who understand and are interested in the things I like to talk and think about. Let me count them; One was my best friend Dave. He is gone, he died in 2008. Another was my Dad. He died also in 2008. A third person was my Mom, she has been gone since 2005. And I guess I can kind of count Grimsley. He is a bit of a wacky guy, but he has the kind of wisdom I am talking about. Wisdom is more than mere intelligence. There are myriad people, especially in this "acheivement" oriented age, who have facility with various subjects. There are a lot of "smart" people out there who have little to no wisdom. Then, also in this day and age, there are a whole slew of superficial people out there - from the downright idiotic to the "hip" to the supposedly educated. I was a shy kid, but I was a people observer as a child, and thus, I have kept away from a lot of what I observed. And, having been around the block a couple times, I can attest to the fact that a great number of people can do nothing but drain one's energy.
Still, I like to think I go by two maxims. One would be my Mom's, and it is of utmost importance to me:
"Never think you are any better than anyone else, and never think you are any worse, but always just as good".
That is, of course, a Christian viewpoint (non-judgemental Christian, of course), and it is a good thing to live by, even if, in practical terms, it might not be entirely accurate. After all, am I to think I am "no better, no worse", than Charles Manson or Adolph Hitler? Am I to think we are all "just as good" as one another? Well, I suppose my Mom meant it not in practical terms but in spiritual, as in "Judge not, lest ye be judged". And though I am far from perfect - a fact of which I am reminded on a daily basis - I do try to avoid judging people, and I try to fend off any feelings I have of not liking people, meaning just everyday people, of course, and not murderers or other horrible people in the news. I don't even wanna judge those types of people, however, because the way I was brought up, it is not for me to do so. So that is what I got from my Mom, that people, in general, are good, and that I should look for the good in people, and never place myself above or below anyone. I loved my Mom very much, and am grateful for what she gave me.
But I also got something from my Dad. He was not religious, not a fan of religion, and although he was a kind-hearted and generous guy (despite his drinking problems, which goes for both my parents) he really, really, really prized wisdom, and true education, which is to say classical education. He knew a lot about a lot of subjects, but what was more impressive about him was what he knew intuitively. Dad didn't overvalue what I will call "facility", which might be the ability to recite a lot of facts. That often passes for an education. What Dad prized was knowledge, and wisdom. It is not easy to explain what those things are, but I know you understand them, Elizabeth. You see, you are the fifth person on my list, the one I wrote a few paragraphs up, of the people I can have an in-depth conversation with, who truly understand what Life is, or more accurately (since none of us can ever completely "know" Life), you are one of the five people I have met who understand Life's Wonder.
People like you and me could be standing on a beach, or by a lake, or even be walking down a busy street together..........but if the breeze hit us both a certain way, or if we saw a shadow flitter on a wall, or even if it was just a certain time of day perhaps a "late afternoon" feel, we would both understand it, in the deepest sense - subliminally (a Glimpse) - and what is most important is that we would understand it together , even without saying anything .
So that is what I got from my Dad, that kind of understanding and appreciation for knowledge and wisdom, and I have known five people in my life who share it. You are one of those people. But Dad had been around the block many, many times, he had been in World War Two and had come to Hollywood, and - unlike my Mom - he called a spade a spade. If he thought someone was an idiot, he just plain said so. He was cynical about a lot of people, at least in his mind. In his heart he was friendly and generous to most people, but he didn't have a high regard for most people's intelligence.
And, for better or worse, I suppose I got that from him.
From my Mom, I got "do not judge people", and from my Dad I got "there are a lot of stupid people in the world", and of course I am me - I am an individual and I have a personality of my own - but there is no doubt that the words of both Mom and Dad have stuck with me over the years.
When I find myself disliking someone, though, I do try to understand why, and that is because it is really and truly not my nature to dislike people. I am Aries with Leo rising; a "people person" if there ever was one. I am not outgoing in the sense of a lot of socialising, or initiating friendships, but everyone who knows me would tell you that, in general, I like people and the people who know me like me.
So, I guess with Aurelien, as I explained, the "Autre Temps" photography thing (his use of the phrase) initially brought out my "Dad" instinct - not that Aurelien was stupid but that he was using someone else's words as his own. That cynicism, from Dad, came out in me because of that. Then later, as I also explained, I took his one and only comment to me - in your post about the Neige guest vocal - as a smart-ass remark. That doubled my "Dad cynicism", and I thought "who the F is this guy"?
Looking back, both "cynical judgement calls", on my part, could be viewed as being provoked by trivialities. I could, in hindsight, say "So what - big deal - that he used a certain phrase ("Autre Temps") for his photographic page". And I could look at his comment to me, "Haha! Secret revealed", as just his way of saying, "Hey, I like Neige too, and it was really me who discovered that song". That would be the "Mom influence" in me, to say, "hey, he seems like a nice enough guy, and he likes Neige, so that's why he used that phrase and why he made that comment".
But the "Dad side" also, in this case, had it's influence. That influence made me see the phrase as unoriginal and a rip-off of Neige. And it made me see his comment to me as a "dig". And though I try not to dislike anyone, and try to analyse it when I do, the "Dad side" won out, in Aurelien's case, because - this is the important part - I could see he also had a crush on you. Ergo, the "Dad side" won, and spoke out : "this guy's an idiot, and he made a smart remark to me, and he's got a thing for Elizabeth; I don't like him".
The "Dad side" in me is also influenced, as I've described, by the types of individuals You-Know-Who chose to fool around with. Not exactly geniuses or classy individuals.
So .........wow. I really didn't intend to write so much when I sat down a couple hours ago, but here it is. I guess that, rationally, away from "the moment" and as emotionally removed as possible, I guess I can say that I have no reason - no legitimate reason - to dislike the guy. I don't enjoy disliking anyone; it's not my nature. I am a Guy, however, as described, and therefore I have certain Caveman instincts. When another guy likes my girl, or even moreso, I can tell, and it makes me defensive or offensive or whatever you wish you call it. Most guys are like that toward their girls, and the ones who aren't are, in my opinion, wimps. In your case, it is only natural that guys like you, for many reasons. Most of the guys at FB have been low-key about it, and that is fine and understandable, again for many reasons. Aurelien was a little less low-key. That, combined with my "Dad cynicism" toward him, which came about for the aforementioned reasons, caused me to dislike him. I have tried to analyze that dislike, and add humor and rationality to diffuse it, and to see the guy from my "Mom influence", and I will continue to try and do so.
I promise!
It's just that, when you posted so quickly about him yesterday, only a day after your wonderful Saturday posts, I got confused about your meaning, and I took it negatively. In hindsight - and maybe because you chose a seemingly random "Neil Halstead" post to "like" on Facebook - it is possible you were saying - via the symbolism - that you and Aurelien like some of the same stuff. That was probably your meaning, now that I think about it, and not "in your face, Adam", lol.
Well, I hope I got it right, or at least got a little closer. I am sorry I got a little cross last night, but it was late and I was stressing about it. But everything is good now. I hope it is for you, too. That is a great modeling shot you took of that girl, the one you posted this morn.
Thanks for reading all of this. I will be back later this evening. I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
Well...............sigh.
So I think I've got it now. The late-night camera guy post meant that you were doing a photo shoot yesterday. We need a language, like "camera picture means photo shoot". I mean, we do already have a language, and I have remarked in the past on how amazing it actually is, considering what we've built out of it, and doubly considering that we never formally said, "This symbol means such-and-such, and that symbol means thus-and-so". I have come to learn a lot of the language just by intuition, and also because you are so good at symbolic messaging, and I am good at understanding them; that is part of our Connection, something that, as a gift, is never to be underestimated.
But as we know, I am not perfect - nobody is - and so I did not understand the Aurelien post yesterday, mostly because of the immediacy of it, and then moreso because up until late last night, when you posted the camera guy, it was your only post of the day. So, I thought the Aurelien post might be a way of saying "......in your face, Ad"! As in, "He's my friend and that's that, and if you don't like it, tough". But I had already said as much, that you didn't need to change anything for me, and that of course you should still be his friend.
Coming on the heels of your Saturday posts, which I had interpreted as being "for me" - come visit Madison (which I want to asap), the "hands over heart" pic, the "baby" pic (baby pics I have always interpreted as "I'm your baby" and vice-versa), and the "girl-in-hat, life is good" photo - I then saw only the Aurelien post all day Sunday, and again, because of it's immediacy, and because it was something of his that you might not ordinarily have responded to, just a note about a Neil Halstead show, I got a mixed signal about the whole thing. Here again are the mechanics of what happened, and they happened because my symbol reading got thrown out of whack:
A) I thought everything was good after Saturday, because I interpreted all your posts as being directed toward me. Every post, as I interpreted each, sent a message saying "It's okay, I understand, I love you". That was how I interpreted your response to my long explanatory blog about Thursday's episode re: Aurelien. So, by Saturday evening, after seeing your posts, and especially "hands over heart", I wrote my blogs of Saturday night, to say thank you for understanding, and that I love and cherish you.
But then, B) Late afternoon Sunday I saw the Aurelien post, which caused me to second guess my earlier interpretations of your Saturday posts. I got a mixed-message from it. Remember that I only have symbols. I know I keep repeating that fact, but it is important, because if we were talking, the message would be clear. With symbols, I only have my best guess, without any follow-up acknowledgement from you. Usually, 99% of the time, our symbolic language works fine. But yesterday, it broke down, for me, because of the immediacy of the Aurelien post (the first post following Saturday's wonderful posts), and also because of what I took as the randomness of it. I mean, a Neil Halstead Paris show is nice, but not something you normally respond to. So, the immediacy coupled with the randomness caused me to second guess, and my symbolic reading ability got thrown out of whack. I thought you might be saying, "I like Aurelien and tough luck if you don't like it", or I also thought you might be mad at me because I had said I wasn't a big fan of the guy. But I did try to explain my reasons. And then I even added at the end of my explanation that maybe, in the long run, I might discover that he was okay after all. If you go back and read it, you will see I said that.
It is not my nature to dislike people. Though I am far from Pollyanna in the social aspect of things, and though I do agree with my Dad's infamous statement that "not everyone is entitled to his opinion" (lol), I still, in my nature and in my heart, like to take people at face value. There are out-and-out a-holes in the world, of course, and there are saints, and there are everyday people in the middle. Most of us, socially speaking, are just everyday people with our (mostly) good points and our imperfections. If you were physically around me - here with me, or I with you - you would see how I am in person. I like to think people like me, and almost always I like people. I even have friends who I find somewhat obnoxious, but I try to find the parts I like about them. I am not an overly social person, however, and that is because I find that many people - even friends - have "agendas", and they want to bring you down with a lot of negativity, or they have superficial interests, or they just plain don't understand things - they don't understand The Glimpses, if you know what I mean (and I know you do!). In my life, I have had maybe four or five people I could converse with who understand and are interested in the things I like to talk and think about. Let me count them; One was my best friend Dave. He is gone, he died in 2008. Another was my Dad. He died also in 2008. A third person was my Mom, she has been gone since 2005. And I guess I can kind of count Grimsley. He is a bit of a wacky guy, but he has the kind of wisdom I am talking about. Wisdom is more than mere intelligence. There are myriad people, especially in this "acheivement" oriented age, who have facility with various subjects. There are a lot of "smart" people out there who have little to no wisdom. Then, also in this day and age, there are a whole slew of superficial people out there - from the downright idiotic to the "hip" to the supposedly educated. I was a shy kid, but I was a people observer as a child, and thus, I have kept away from a lot of what I observed. And, having been around the block a couple times, I can attest to the fact that a great number of people can do nothing but drain one's energy.
Still, I like to think I go by two maxims. One would be my Mom's, and it is of utmost importance to me:
"Never think you are any better than anyone else, and never think you are any worse, but always just as good".
That is, of course, a Christian viewpoint (non-judgemental Christian, of course), and it is a good thing to live by, even if, in practical terms, it might not be entirely accurate. After all, am I to think I am "no better, no worse", than Charles Manson or Adolph Hitler? Am I to think we are all "just as good" as one another? Well, I suppose my Mom meant it not in practical terms but in spiritual, as in "Judge not, lest ye be judged". And though I am far from perfect - a fact of which I am reminded on a daily basis - I do try to avoid judging people, and I try to fend off any feelings I have of not liking people, meaning just everyday people, of course, and not murderers or other horrible people in the news. I don't even wanna judge those types of people, however, because the way I was brought up, it is not for me to do so. So that is what I got from my Mom, that people, in general, are good, and that I should look for the good in people, and never place myself above or below anyone. I loved my Mom very much, and am grateful for what she gave me.
But I also got something from my Dad. He was not religious, not a fan of religion, and although he was a kind-hearted and generous guy (despite his drinking problems, which goes for both my parents) he really, really, really prized wisdom, and true education, which is to say classical education. He knew a lot about a lot of subjects, but what was more impressive about him was what he knew intuitively. Dad didn't overvalue what I will call "facility", which might be the ability to recite a lot of facts. That often passes for an education. What Dad prized was knowledge, and wisdom. It is not easy to explain what those things are, but I know you understand them, Elizabeth. You see, you are the fifth person on my list, the one I wrote a few paragraphs up, of the people I can have an in-depth conversation with, who truly understand what Life is, or more accurately (since none of us can ever completely "know" Life), you are one of the five people I have met who understand Life's Wonder.
People like you and me could be standing on a beach, or by a lake, or even be walking down a busy street together..........but if the breeze hit us both a certain way, or if we saw a shadow flitter on a wall, or even if it was just a certain time of day perhaps a "late afternoon" feel, we would both understand it, in the deepest sense - subliminally (a Glimpse) - and what is most important is that we would understand it together , even without saying anything .
So that is what I got from my Dad, that kind of understanding and appreciation for knowledge and wisdom, and I have known five people in my life who share it. You are one of those people. But Dad had been around the block many, many times, he had been in World War Two and had come to Hollywood, and - unlike my Mom - he called a spade a spade. If he thought someone was an idiot, he just plain said so. He was cynical about a lot of people, at least in his mind. In his heart he was friendly and generous to most people, but he didn't have a high regard for most people's intelligence.
And, for better or worse, I suppose I got that from him.
From my Mom, I got "do not judge people", and from my Dad I got "there are a lot of stupid people in the world", and of course I am me - I am an individual and I have a personality of my own - but there is no doubt that the words of both Mom and Dad have stuck with me over the years.
When I find myself disliking someone, though, I do try to understand why, and that is because it is really and truly not my nature to dislike people. I am Aries with Leo rising; a "people person" if there ever was one. I am not outgoing in the sense of a lot of socialising, or initiating friendships, but everyone who knows me would tell you that, in general, I like people and the people who know me like me.
So, I guess with Aurelien, as I explained, the "Autre Temps" photography thing (his use of the phrase) initially brought out my "Dad" instinct - not that Aurelien was stupid but that he was using someone else's words as his own. That cynicism, from Dad, came out in me because of that. Then later, as I also explained, I took his one and only comment to me - in your post about the Neige guest vocal - as a smart-ass remark. That doubled my "Dad cynicism", and I thought "who the F is this guy"?
Looking back, both "cynical judgement calls", on my part, could be viewed as being provoked by trivialities. I could, in hindsight, say "So what - big deal - that he used a certain phrase ("Autre Temps") for his photographic page". And I could look at his comment to me, "Haha! Secret revealed", as just his way of saying, "Hey, I like Neige too, and it was really me who discovered that song". That would be the "Mom influence" in me, to say, "hey, he seems like a nice enough guy, and he likes Neige, so that's why he used that phrase and why he made that comment".
But the "Dad side" also, in this case, had it's influence. That influence made me see the phrase as unoriginal and a rip-off of Neige. And it made me see his comment to me as a "dig". And though I try not to dislike anyone, and try to analyse it when I do, the "Dad side" won out, in Aurelien's case, because - this is the important part - I could see he also had a crush on you. Ergo, the "Dad side" won, and spoke out : "this guy's an idiot, and he made a smart remark to me, and he's got a thing for Elizabeth; I don't like him".
The "Dad side" in me is also influenced, as I've described, by the types of individuals You-Know-Who chose to fool around with. Not exactly geniuses or classy individuals.
So .........wow. I really didn't intend to write so much when I sat down a couple hours ago, but here it is. I guess that, rationally, away from "the moment" and as emotionally removed as possible, I guess I can say that I have no reason - no legitimate reason - to dislike the guy. I don't enjoy disliking anyone; it's not my nature. I am a Guy, however, as described, and therefore I have certain Caveman instincts. When another guy likes my girl, or even moreso, I can tell, and it makes me defensive or offensive or whatever you wish you call it. Most guys are like that toward their girls, and the ones who aren't are, in my opinion, wimps. In your case, it is only natural that guys like you, for many reasons. Most of the guys at FB have been low-key about it, and that is fine and understandable, again for many reasons. Aurelien was a little less low-key. That, combined with my "Dad cynicism" toward him, which came about for the aforementioned reasons, caused me to dislike him. I have tried to analyze that dislike, and add humor and rationality to diffuse it, and to see the guy from my "Mom influence", and I will continue to try and do so.
I promise!
It's just that, when you posted so quickly about him yesterday, only a day after your wonderful Saturday posts, I got confused about your meaning, and I took it negatively. In hindsight - and maybe because you chose a seemingly random "Neil Halstead" post to "like" on Facebook - it is possible you were saying - via the symbolism - that you and Aurelien like some of the same stuff. That was probably your meaning, now that I think about it, and not "in your face, Adam", lol.
Well, I hope I got it right, or at least got a little closer. I am sorry I got a little cross last night, but it was late and I was stressing about it. But everything is good now. I hope it is for you, too. That is a great modeling shot you took of that girl, the one you posted this morn.
Thanks for reading all of this. I will be back later this evening. I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Question (with humor) (just making sure I got things right, lol)
Hey my Angel,
Well, that was quick! (said with humor). I just thought I should check, though, to make sure I have my symbolism right. I made a point in my first blog yesterday, the lengthy one, to say that the issue was all on me, something I need to work through. I also said that in no way was I asking you to stop being friends with Aurelien. So, I am guessing that your post just a little while ago, Aurelien/Neil Halsted, is just that? An acknowledgement of the friendship? I am only asking (and this is all said with humor and my own acknowledgement of my foibles) because it is your only post of the day, and it was an "immediate" (so to speak) Aurelien post.
This next question is asked with full humor toward myself, so please don't kill me. All I have is symbolism to go by, remember. So, I ask only because it was your first and only post of the day........did you post it because you are mad at me? Remember, I only have symbolism. So, because I just wanna make sure I have it right, I interpreted yesterday's posts as loving responses: Your beautiful photo. The hands over heart? Did I interpret that picture correctly? I sure hope so. And the two pictures that followed? One was of a baby; I usually interpret those to mean "you are my baby", and the photo of the girl in the hat had a caption or comment like "life is good with beautiful people". So, I interpreted all of that as "everything is good". I hope I got it right. If not (yikes), the baby could mean that I'm a big baby (which I had suggested myself, lol).
Aw heck, I dunno. So, I am guessing that the Aurelien post today was just your way of taking me at my word and showing me you are still his friend. If, on the off chance you did post it because you are mad at me, please remember that I did say to "please change nothing" about your friendship. So maybe that's all it is. I only ask because it was your very next post, after all the symbolic ones from yesterday, and it was your only post for today, so I just wanna be sure I had the message right from yesterday, and that your pictures of hands over heart and the others (baby & girl in hat) symbolised a positive response to my explanatory blog of yesterday afternoon.
I'm only asking to be sure. I Love You! (back in a little while) :):)
10:35pm : Well, the Sinatra song title says it all. That's all I really know. I will be up for a while, till midnight or 12:30 my time, so I'll check back in a while. Hope your day was good!
11:15pm : Maybe you have gone to sleep. Please know that I am trying as hard as I can, to communicate, to understand all the symbols. I also work seven days a week. I really am trying, Elizabeth. If you are mad at me, please let me know. I just don't want to have to go to sleep all full of stress. Thanks.
11:45pm: I don't understand what is going on, the late night post of the guy with the camera. You don't usually make random posts so late at night. Whatever is happening, you can just tell me. I wish we could just talk out in the open like normal people. I am gonna go to bed now, and I have to say I am sad, because I don't know what is happening. But I will try again in the morning. :) I am kind of blown away, to be honest, because for months I have written my heart out..............
Well, that was quick! (said with humor). I just thought I should check, though, to make sure I have my symbolism right. I made a point in my first blog yesterday, the lengthy one, to say that the issue was all on me, something I need to work through. I also said that in no way was I asking you to stop being friends with Aurelien. So, I am guessing that your post just a little while ago, Aurelien/Neil Halsted, is just that? An acknowledgement of the friendship? I am only asking (and this is all said with humor and my own acknowledgement of my foibles) because it is your only post of the day, and it was an "immediate" (so to speak) Aurelien post.
This next question is asked with full humor toward myself, so please don't kill me. All I have is symbolism to go by, remember. So, I ask only because it was your first and only post of the day........did you post it because you are mad at me? Remember, I only have symbolism. So, because I just wanna make sure I have it right, I interpreted yesterday's posts as loving responses: Your beautiful photo. The hands over heart? Did I interpret that picture correctly? I sure hope so. And the two pictures that followed? One was of a baby; I usually interpret those to mean "you are my baby", and the photo of the girl in the hat had a caption or comment like "life is good with beautiful people". So, I interpreted all of that as "everything is good". I hope I got it right. If not (yikes), the baby could mean that I'm a big baby (which I had suggested myself, lol).
Aw heck, I dunno. So, I am guessing that the Aurelien post today was just your way of taking me at my word and showing me you are still his friend. If, on the off chance you did post it because you are mad at me, please remember that I did say to "please change nothing" about your friendship. So maybe that's all it is. I only ask because it was your very next post, after all the symbolic ones from yesterday, and it was your only post for today, so I just wanna be sure I had the message right from yesterday, and that your pictures of hands over heart and the others (baby & girl in hat) symbolised a positive response to my explanatory blog of yesterday afternoon.
I'm only asking to be sure. I Love You! (back in a little while) :):)
10:35pm : Well, the Sinatra song title says it all. That's all I really know. I will be up for a while, till midnight or 12:30 my time, so I'll check back in a while. Hope your day was good!
11:15pm : Maybe you have gone to sleep. Please know that I am trying as hard as I can, to communicate, to understand all the symbols. I also work seven days a week. I really am trying, Elizabeth. If you are mad at me, please let me know. I just don't want to have to go to sleep all full of stress. Thanks.
11:45pm: I don't understand what is going on, the late night post of the guy with the camera. You don't usually make random posts so late at night. Whatever is happening, you can just tell me. I wish we could just talk out in the open like normal people. I am gonna go to bed now, and I have to say I am sad, because I don't know what is happening. But I will try again in the morning. :) I am kind of blown away, to be honest, because for months I have written my heart out..............
Saturday, July 27, 2013
So Grateful For You :):)
I Love You, my Beautiful Angel. I hope you are still awake. I wanted to say thank you for being so understanding of me, and thanks from the bottom of my heart for loving me. I liked the video this afternoon of Madison. Your town is very picturesque. It looks pretty lively, and I guess it's fairly good sized city, am I right? Populationwise, I mean. I know it is the state capitol, and you also have the University as a centerpiece, so there's a lot going on. I have seen before, too, on Google Maps, that you are surrounded by lakes (one big lake, at least, and maybe more?) and I can see them in the video. I also see, near the end, a trail with bare-looking trees that looks like a place I have seen maybe in the "Where She Walks" video. A beautiful town for sure, and one thing I noticed is that you have a mixture of the old and the new, in architecture, and even some factories, but nothing looked run down. That could be an advantage for a mid-sized city over a highly populated place like Chicago, New York or Los Angeles. We are kind of lucky in that respect, because of the sprawl, that our nice neighborhoods are waaaaay over here in one direction, and our not-so-nice neighborhoods are waaaay over there, in another direction, sometimes 20 to 30 miles away. Another advantage of a mid-sized city might be that it is somewhat homogenous, meaning that everything runs smoothly and is easy to manage from a civic point of view. No bad traffic, efficient city services, low crime, etc. A nice town, and you live just a few miles outside the city, do I have that right as well? So everything is easy to get to. Well, I will just have to come and see for myself! :)
I loved, loved, loved the picture of you that you posted around 7pm. Elizabeth, that picture, with it's careful framing of hands over heart, just melted me. It made me so happy to see it - what a wonderful image to portray. In it's spiritual symbolism, and in it's use of your hands, it reminded me of one of my favorites by you, your "Praying" photo from last Winter. The two photos show different aspects of spirituality, but the message is similar in both, and you can really feel it in each one. I am so lucky to have you, and I never forget that for a minute. The title of the song I posted tonight, "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", was so appropriate, because for me, that was when it all began. I saw a beautiful girl, to be sure, but I intuited so much as well. As I wrote in those early Myspace blogs, I just knew , in the span one of our talked-about Glimpses, that my life was going to change.
And it has.
Life is amazing when you hone, and trust, your intuition. It is your surest guide.
Elizabeth, I am so grateful that you hold me in your heart. One of my favorite words in the English language is "cherish", and though I have never looked up it's definition, that is what I have always pictured: To cherish is to cup someone's heart, to love and protect it. To understand it's strength and also it's fragility. To Cherish.
I Cherish You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxo
I will see you in the morn, it will be a great Sunday. I loved the later pictures you posted, too, from this evening. You are beautiful, and you are indeed my baby. :):)
I loved, loved, loved the picture of you that you posted around 7pm. Elizabeth, that picture, with it's careful framing of hands over heart, just melted me. It made me so happy to see it - what a wonderful image to portray. In it's spiritual symbolism, and in it's use of your hands, it reminded me of one of my favorites by you, your "Praying" photo from last Winter. The two photos show different aspects of spirituality, but the message is similar in both, and you can really feel it in each one. I am so lucky to have you, and I never forget that for a minute. The title of the song I posted tonight, "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", was so appropriate, because for me, that was when it all began. I saw a beautiful girl, to be sure, but I intuited so much as well. As I wrote in those early Myspace blogs, I just knew , in the span one of our talked-about Glimpses, that my life was going to change.
And it has.
Life is amazing when you hone, and trust, your intuition. It is your surest guide.
Elizabeth, I am so grateful that you hold me in your heart. One of my favorite words in the English language is "cherish", and though I have never looked up it's definition, that is what I have always pictured: To cherish is to cup someone's heart, to love and protect it. To understand it's strength and also it's fragility. To Cherish.
I Cherish You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxo
I will see you in the morn, it will be a great Sunday. I loved the later pictures you posted, too, from this evening. You are beautiful, and you are indeed my baby. :):)
I Love You. :):)
Good Morning, my Angel,
I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. You had not posted either, and it felt like there was some tension in the air, and I wanted to let it pass, to sleep on it in order to best articulate what I wanted to say. My sister did not come over for her usual Saturday shopping, so I will be here all afternoon until it's time to go back to Pearl's at 4:30. Thus, I will have time to write. I have always said that communication is our most important tool, and I think that it is best utilized when a person (me, in this case) has had a little time to analyse a situation. Of course, the whole idea of communication is to communicate - and not to wait and therefore be silent - and so I apologize again for not writing last night, but I just wasn't feeling very good, and because of that, anything I wrote would have been influenced by those feelings, and would not have been a true reflection of the totality of how I feel. That totality, of course, is a profound love for you, the likes of which I have never known for anyone.
Which makes my silence yesterday, and my little complaint today, seem incredibly stupid, I realize. But, as humans, we know that feelings can be unruly things, and sometimes they come over us of their own accord, regardless of how silly or irrational they seem.
Because conversation on the internet does not allow for voice inflection, or finely tuned emotional nuance, I ask you to please read everything that follows as being voiced in a loving manner. It's just me trying to explain myself, and I feel dumb, but I still need to communicate. The most important thing is that I love you, all the time. That is the emotion - the most powerful emotion of them all - that conquers all the others, every single time. I love you, so that is what is important here. I love you, and nothing can or will ever change that.
Okay, so that is what is important. Now for the dumb stuff, the stuff that makes me feel like an idiot but I have to say it anyway. Well, of course you can guess, because the timing coincided with when both of us stopped posting for a day, and when the feeling of tension set in. It's my friend again, Aurelien, and before you kill me (and please don't!) - let me explain. It was just a case of timing, and reaction.
For several days, maybe a couple of weeks - ever since you posted your first batch of pictures from Porcupine Mountain State Park, and also your picture before that of your poem on the rock at Lake Superior - I have had this feeling, and the accompanying imagery of a daydream being willed into reality of walking along that shore with you, and visiting that park with you. This was an incredibly special feeling that stayed with me for days (it's still with me), and the imagery stayed in my head as I went about my daily business. In that sense, it was not unlike the much more brief, but every bit as vivid and powerful, image I had last year of your EP cover, which came to me as I was driving. That I described to you possibly the day it happened, in Spring of last year. This recent and present feeling, of walking with you along the shore, I wrote about just the other day, in a blog. Though my description was brief, I hope it conveyed the power of the feeling, of being right there along the shore, with you : my Elizabeth, the Love Of My Life. And we are walking in one of your most special places. I know I write (or try to express) my feelings for All Things Profound to such an extent that it may at times become redundant, but in this case, there was absolutely nothing redundant about such a vision, so clear as if it were actually happening, of being in such a special place with your True Love, and sharing the moments. In daydreaming about this vision over the past couple of weeks, I vowed to make it happen. I wrote about that, too, when I said we could go anywhere in the World. To walk that shore with you was (and is!) going to be special beyond words.
I admit, I am a hopeless romantic (though I think that is a dumb cliche, because there is nothing hopeless about romance! Quite the opposite.....). I am also known for wearing my heart on my sleeve, and at the end of the day, I am still only human. I'm "just a guy", in other words. We guys can be incredibly dumb, and it may seem like we are Big Babies sometimes, but there is a method to our madness, or at least a reason for it. It is called rivalry. Guys like chivalry, but not rivalry. And, rightly or wrongly, we feel we have a radar for it.
So, to get into the mechanics of what happened on Thursday, it's really just as simple as it is dumb. It was afternoon, maybe 3 o' clockish. I was at Pearl's, and I saw your latest batch of pictures come up on Facebook. I could see from the thumbnails that they were beautiful, and they were from the Park. I wanted to see them full-size, but Pearl's computer crashes almost every single time you click the mouse. Some kind of Symantec problem. Not my computer, they don't wanna fix it, so - I drove home. Pearl was at the hairdresser and I had the time. I wanted to see your pictures of the Special Place, the place I'd been thinking about, near the lake. So, Pearl's computer be damned!, I drove home to my trusty little Chromebook, and clicked to Facebook, and saw the photos in all their beauty.
Now, I ask you to read with some compassion for my Guy-ness, because I am me, but I'm also just a Guy.
I had driven home, mission accomplished!, and I was looking at the photos, and they were beautiful, and.........then there's my friend again, Aurelien. Please don't kill me. It's just that, I have been thinking about that park, and especially the lake, as our special place. For a couple of weeks I had been thinking of it that way, really visualising it, and then there he is again. I know he is your friend, and I don't expect otherwise, but please, please bear with me. I am a Guy, and we Guys feel we have a radar for rivals. No doubt women feel the same about their own radar. I ask for just a moment that you remember back to when you posted the Pavanne For A Dead Princess by Ravel, and it took me a few days to understand who you were referring to, but when I did figure it out, I understood completely, even though she has been out of the picture for ages, and even though you were the one who got me to stop wasting energy on her. But it was still only natural for you to post that Pavanne. Feelings are feelings, and as we have said, all feelings are legitimate, because we feel them. Posting that piece signalled to me that you did not like Lillian - perfectly natural and understandable - and so I tried to stop mentioning her altogether, although I may have on one or two occasions since, perhaps for storytelling reasons or some non-personal detail. But it was natural for you to feel dislike, knowing what you know about her, and reading what you read in the old blogs. And she has been gone for ages, out of my life since before you were born. So, I only mention her for comparison now, on the subject of rivalry, even if she was never a rival to you. I only mention her because you indicated natural, negative feelings toward her, and so now I ask you to put yourself in my shoes.
I will admit, I am not Aurelien's biggest fan. I don't know him, but it's just a couple things. The first was way back, probably more than a year ago, when he first was sending out his FB photography page to potential fans and friends. I was not his FB friend, didn't know him, but had seen him post on your page. He sent me a solicitation for his photographic page, I accepted it. I "liked" it on FB. He was talented enough, no problem there. He called his page something like "Photography (the French spelling) du Autre Temps". That may not be exactly right, but it's close. So, I thought he was Alcest's photographer, their personal guy. So I was like, "cool"!, and I sent a quick message saying something to the effect, but I think it was a question, like "are you the photographer for Alcest"? I heard nothing back, so I just forgot about it, and it passed. Later, probably last summer, I would see him posting on your FB occasionally. Nothing obnoxious, just "likes" and a few comments. But it reminded me, "oh yeah, the Alcest photographer", and so I checked his FB, and all the Alcest info, and I could see he was not the Alcest photographer. He was using Neige's phrase for his own stuff. That rubbed me the wrong way, but just a little bit. Not very original, but then he was just some guy on FB who posted once in a while on your page, and so, he didn't really cross my mind much for a while.
Then fast forward to this past Spring. I had lived through Fall and part of a Winter in which I thought I had lost you. Elizabeth, you will only truly understand the day you meet me and see my eyes, but the feeling
I had inside, beginning with Bai Xu on New Year's Day, and continuing with Eric Whitacre "A Boy and A Girl", and culminating with Sam Cooke - realizing that you were not only back in my life, but that you loved me - can never be described in words, except to call it pure euphoric joy. To go from thinking I had lost you forever, to mutual love? As I've said before, you have no idea ! :)
So, it was maybe around late March or early April, just a few months ago, one day you had posted a song by a group I did not know, but it featured Neige on vocals, another of his many guest appearances. I listened, and then made an FB comment, something like "another great find"!, because you had also just previously turned me on to Insomnium. Well, a minute or so passed, maybe a few minutes, I don't recall but it wasn't long, and there was Aurelien with his own comment : "Haha! Secret revealed." Here is where my "Guy's Rival Radar" kicked in for the first time. I remembered his comment because I took it as a snide remark. I had given you the credit for the discovery, but he wanted me to know it was really his discovery; that it had preveously been a "secret". And so......"Haha", in his words. Again, I didn't think too much of it, and that's the honest truth. At the time, I hadn't even thought of the guy for months. But, I still got the feeling he was trying to get a dig in at me. So I thought, "Oh, it's that photographer guy again, the guy I thought worked for Alcest". And I got the feeling he'd made a smart remark, in the way of "Elizabeth and I knew about this song before you, and that's because I told her". It was like he knew I was in love with you, so he wanted to get a little dig in.
That might sound really stupid to you, but remember I have asked you to bear with me through the perspective of my Guy's Rival Radar. My Radar works pretty good, because I had to use it many times before with Lillian. With her, things degenerated to the point where she invited rivalry, as I have said before, and I could always tell who my rival was, almost from the get go.
In this case, much is different. Most importantly, you aren't like Lillian. This is also FB, so a lot of guys who admire you and like you do so from a distance, and with that electronic wall in place. Most of the guys from the Alcest fan base just press "like" or make nice little comments and leave it at that. But even though it is "only" FB, you and I have seen how our feelings for each other are just as real as if we'd known and loved each other all our lives. So in our case, there is no "wall" at all, electronic or otherwise. I have read of others who have fallen in love at Facebook (and other sites) and gotten married, and please Lord, so may it be for us! But just as we can develop feelings, and even though most FB friends are nice, polite guys, there can always be one who can feel like a rival. And, that is how I feel about Aurelien. I am a guy, with Guy's Radar, and I can see how he feels about you. I mentioned it before, I know.
There are other guys who like you a lot, guys from other countries who hit "like" all the time, and that would be just as if you were famous with a big following. Perfectly normal, perfectly understandible. No Guy Radar involved. But with Aurelien, my radar went up, and it did back in the Spring when he made that little remark. Please don't kill me for being a Guy, but I had to deal with so much BS with Lillian, that I do notice the way in which other guys act around you. And he is the only one who gets my radar up.
Now for the "boy, it all seems so stupid" part. I must admit that, on the surface - being perfectly honest here - none of Aurelien's comments seem suggestive, or that he is "coming on" to you in any way. But though he once posted infrequently, he now turns up all the time. Fine, right? He is being seemingly polite, and enthusiastic, and after all it is Facebook; the point is to comment and converse.
But that's part of the problem; he can converse with you, I can't, because of our post-2012 conversation limitations. And, though he is certainly polite, he is in a subtle way leaving no doubt that he really likes you. Couple that with my own take that, at least as of last Spring, that he didn't like me (hence the smart remark), and there you have it, the reason that I am not his biggest fan. Then, add into the mix that I was thinking all week about being with you at Lake Superior, and then on Thursday you posted your second set of pictures, and because Pearl's computer didn't work I drove home to see them, only to find.............Aurelien.
So, that was the emotional mechanics of what took place, as dumb as they might sound. I am in no way asking you not to be his friend, or to stop or even slow down talking to him, because that really would be dumb. That's why I wanted to wait until all the "hurt feelings" part of this episode passed, which they did overnight, because had I written all of this with only those feelings as an influence, and without any analysis or rational thought (and humor) about those feelings, then this blog would have been truly irrational. I know it is your nature to be friendly, and conversational, and enthusiastic. Don't change a thing. One way to see my side, however, would be to imagine how you might feel if there was a girl you felt was a rival who was posting on my FB all the time, leaving subtle clues about her feelings. It might make you dumb to feel jealous, or it might make you feel justified, but either way, the feeling would still be present, and therefore legitimate, and would therefore need processing. And what better way to process feelings than to communicate them, am I right? So that's what I am doing, and I hope you aren't mad at me.
I wanted to wait a night to let my hurt feelings settle, feelings which developed out of a dream of being with you in a special place by the lake, then blossomed with more beautiful photographs of that place, then were frustrated by a faulty computer, then reinstated by a drive home, then frustrated again by...........a rival (?).
I know Aurelien is your friend. Please change nothing about that. I know you are not trying to instigate a rivalry, but I have that residue from the past, from you-know-who, and I guess I am still working on it. Aurelien may bug me a bit, but in the long run I am sure he's alright. I just wanted to explain to you the mechanics of what happened, and I hope you aren't mad at me.
I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. You had not posted either, and it felt like there was some tension in the air, and I wanted to let it pass, to sleep on it in order to best articulate what I wanted to say. My sister did not come over for her usual Saturday shopping, so I will be here all afternoon until it's time to go back to Pearl's at 4:30. Thus, I will have time to write. I have always said that communication is our most important tool, and I think that it is best utilized when a person (me, in this case) has had a little time to analyse a situation. Of course, the whole idea of communication is to communicate - and not to wait and therefore be silent - and so I apologize again for not writing last night, but I just wasn't feeling very good, and because of that, anything I wrote would have been influenced by those feelings, and would not have been a true reflection of the totality of how I feel. That totality, of course, is a profound love for you, the likes of which I have never known for anyone.
Which makes my silence yesterday, and my little complaint today, seem incredibly stupid, I realize. But, as humans, we know that feelings can be unruly things, and sometimes they come over us of their own accord, regardless of how silly or irrational they seem.
Because conversation on the internet does not allow for voice inflection, or finely tuned emotional nuance, I ask you to please read everything that follows as being voiced in a loving manner. It's just me trying to explain myself, and I feel dumb, but I still need to communicate. The most important thing is that I love you, all the time. That is the emotion - the most powerful emotion of them all - that conquers all the others, every single time. I love you, so that is what is important here. I love you, and nothing can or will ever change that.
Okay, so that is what is important. Now for the dumb stuff, the stuff that makes me feel like an idiot but I have to say it anyway. Well, of course you can guess, because the timing coincided with when both of us stopped posting for a day, and when the feeling of tension set in. It's my friend again, Aurelien, and before you kill me (and please don't!) - let me explain. It was just a case of timing, and reaction.
For several days, maybe a couple of weeks - ever since you posted your first batch of pictures from Porcupine Mountain State Park, and also your picture before that of your poem on the rock at Lake Superior - I have had this feeling, and the accompanying imagery of a daydream being willed into reality of walking along that shore with you, and visiting that park with you. This was an incredibly special feeling that stayed with me for days (it's still with me), and the imagery stayed in my head as I went about my daily business. In that sense, it was not unlike the much more brief, but every bit as vivid and powerful, image I had last year of your EP cover, which came to me as I was driving. That I described to you possibly the day it happened, in Spring of last year. This recent and present feeling, of walking with you along the shore, I wrote about just the other day, in a blog. Though my description was brief, I hope it conveyed the power of the feeling, of being right there along the shore, with you : my Elizabeth, the Love Of My Life. And we are walking in one of your most special places. I know I write (or try to express) my feelings for All Things Profound to such an extent that it may at times become redundant, but in this case, there was absolutely nothing redundant about such a vision, so clear as if it were actually happening, of being in such a special place with your True Love, and sharing the moments. In daydreaming about this vision over the past couple of weeks, I vowed to make it happen. I wrote about that, too, when I said we could go anywhere in the World. To walk that shore with you was (and is!) going to be special beyond words.
I admit, I am a hopeless romantic (though I think that is a dumb cliche, because there is nothing hopeless about romance! Quite the opposite.....). I am also known for wearing my heart on my sleeve, and at the end of the day, I am still only human. I'm "just a guy", in other words. We guys can be incredibly dumb, and it may seem like we are Big Babies sometimes, but there is a method to our madness, or at least a reason for it. It is called rivalry. Guys like chivalry, but not rivalry. And, rightly or wrongly, we feel we have a radar for it.
So, to get into the mechanics of what happened on Thursday, it's really just as simple as it is dumb. It was afternoon, maybe 3 o' clockish. I was at Pearl's, and I saw your latest batch of pictures come up on Facebook. I could see from the thumbnails that they were beautiful, and they were from the Park. I wanted to see them full-size, but Pearl's computer crashes almost every single time you click the mouse. Some kind of Symantec problem. Not my computer, they don't wanna fix it, so - I drove home. Pearl was at the hairdresser and I had the time. I wanted to see your pictures of the Special Place, the place I'd been thinking about, near the lake. So, Pearl's computer be damned!, I drove home to my trusty little Chromebook, and clicked to Facebook, and saw the photos in all their beauty.
Now, I ask you to read with some compassion for my Guy-ness, because I am me, but I'm also just a Guy.
I had driven home, mission accomplished!, and I was looking at the photos, and they were beautiful, and.........then there's my friend again, Aurelien. Please don't kill me. It's just that, I have been thinking about that park, and especially the lake, as our special place. For a couple of weeks I had been thinking of it that way, really visualising it, and then there he is again. I know he is your friend, and I don't expect otherwise, but please, please bear with me. I am a Guy, and we Guys feel we have a radar for rivals. No doubt women feel the same about their own radar. I ask for just a moment that you remember back to when you posted the Pavanne For A Dead Princess by Ravel, and it took me a few days to understand who you were referring to, but when I did figure it out, I understood completely, even though she has been out of the picture for ages, and even though you were the one who got me to stop wasting energy on her. But it was still only natural for you to post that Pavanne. Feelings are feelings, and as we have said, all feelings are legitimate, because we feel them. Posting that piece signalled to me that you did not like Lillian - perfectly natural and understandable - and so I tried to stop mentioning her altogether, although I may have on one or two occasions since, perhaps for storytelling reasons or some non-personal detail. But it was natural for you to feel dislike, knowing what you know about her, and reading what you read in the old blogs. And she has been gone for ages, out of my life since before you were born. So, I only mention her for comparison now, on the subject of rivalry, even if she was never a rival to you. I only mention her because you indicated natural, negative feelings toward her, and so now I ask you to put yourself in my shoes.
I will admit, I am not Aurelien's biggest fan. I don't know him, but it's just a couple things. The first was way back, probably more than a year ago, when he first was sending out his FB photography page to potential fans and friends. I was not his FB friend, didn't know him, but had seen him post on your page. He sent me a solicitation for his photographic page, I accepted it. I "liked" it on FB. He was talented enough, no problem there. He called his page something like "Photography (the French spelling) du Autre Temps". That may not be exactly right, but it's close. So, I thought he was Alcest's photographer, their personal guy. So I was like, "cool"!, and I sent a quick message saying something to the effect, but I think it was a question, like "are you the photographer for Alcest"? I heard nothing back, so I just forgot about it, and it passed. Later, probably last summer, I would see him posting on your FB occasionally. Nothing obnoxious, just "likes" and a few comments. But it reminded me, "oh yeah, the Alcest photographer", and so I checked his FB, and all the Alcest info, and I could see he was not the Alcest photographer. He was using Neige's phrase for his own stuff. That rubbed me the wrong way, but just a little bit. Not very original, but then he was just some guy on FB who posted once in a while on your page, and so, he didn't really cross my mind much for a while.
Then fast forward to this past Spring. I had lived through Fall and part of a Winter in which I thought I had lost you. Elizabeth, you will only truly understand the day you meet me and see my eyes, but the feeling
I had inside, beginning with Bai Xu on New Year's Day, and continuing with Eric Whitacre "A Boy and A Girl", and culminating with Sam Cooke - realizing that you were not only back in my life, but that you loved me - can never be described in words, except to call it pure euphoric joy. To go from thinking I had lost you forever, to mutual love? As I've said before, you have no idea ! :)
So, it was maybe around late March or early April, just a few months ago, one day you had posted a song by a group I did not know, but it featured Neige on vocals, another of his many guest appearances. I listened, and then made an FB comment, something like "another great find"!, because you had also just previously turned me on to Insomnium. Well, a minute or so passed, maybe a few minutes, I don't recall but it wasn't long, and there was Aurelien with his own comment : "Haha! Secret revealed." Here is where my "Guy's Rival Radar" kicked in for the first time. I remembered his comment because I took it as a snide remark. I had given you the credit for the discovery, but he wanted me to know it was really his discovery; that it had preveously been a "secret". And so......"Haha", in his words. Again, I didn't think too much of it, and that's the honest truth. At the time, I hadn't even thought of the guy for months. But, I still got the feeling he was trying to get a dig in at me. So I thought, "Oh, it's that photographer guy again, the guy I thought worked for Alcest". And I got the feeling he'd made a smart remark, in the way of "Elizabeth and I knew about this song before you, and that's because I told her". It was like he knew I was in love with you, so he wanted to get a little dig in.
That might sound really stupid to you, but remember I have asked you to bear with me through the perspective of my Guy's Rival Radar. My Radar works pretty good, because I had to use it many times before with Lillian. With her, things degenerated to the point where she invited rivalry, as I have said before, and I could always tell who my rival was, almost from the get go.
In this case, much is different. Most importantly, you aren't like Lillian. This is also FB, so a lot of guys who admire you and like you do so from a distance, and with that electronic wall in place. Most of the guys from the Alcest fan base just press "like" or make nice little comments and leave it at that. But even though it is "only" FB, you and I have seen how our feelings for each other are just as real as if we'd known and loved each other all our lives. So in our case, there is no "wall" at all, electronic or otherwise. I have read of others who have fallen in love at Facebook (and other sites) and gotten married, and please Lord, so may it be for us! But just as we can develop feelings, and even though most FB friends are nice, polite guys, there can always be one who can feel like a rival. And, that is how I feel about Aurelien. I am a guy, with Guy's Radar, and I can see how he feels about you. I mentioned it before, I know.
There are other guys who like you a lot, guys from other countries who hit "like" all the time, and that would be just as if you were famous with a big following. Perfectly normal, perfectly understandible. No Guy Radar involved. But with Aurelien, my radar went up, and it did back in the Spring when he made that little remark. Please don't kill me for being a Guy, but I had to deal with so much BS with Lillian, that I do notice the way in which other guys act around you. And he is the only one who gets my radar up.
Now for the "boy, it all seems so stupid" part. I must admit that, on the surface - being perfectly honest here - none of Aurelien's comments seem suggestive, or that he is "coming on" to you in any way. But though he once posted infrequently, he now turns up all the time. Fine, right? He is being seemingly polite, and enthusiastic, and after all it is Facebook; the point is to comment and converse.
But that's part of the problem; he can converse with you, I can't, because of our post-2012 conversation limitations. And, though he is certainly polite, he is in a subtle way leaving no doubt that he really likes you. Couple that with my own take that, at least as of last Spring, that he didn't like me (hence the smart remark), and there you have it, the reason that I am not his biggest fan. Then, add into the mix that I was thinking all week about being with you at Lake Superior, and then on Thursday you posted your second set of pictures, and because Pearl's computer didn't work I drove home to see them, only to find.............Aurelien.
So, that was the emotional mechanics of what took place, as dumb as they might sound. I am in no way asking you not to be his friend, or to stop or even slow down talking to him, because that really would be dumb. That's why I wanted to wait until all the "hurt feelings" part of this episode passed, which they did overnight, because had I written all of this with only those feelings as an influence, and without any analysis or rational thought (and humor) about those feelings, then this blog would have been truly irrational. I know it is your nature to be friendly, and conversational, and enthusiastic. Don't change a thing. One way to see my side, however, would be to imagine how you might feel if there was a girl you felt was a rival who was posting on my FB all the time, leaving subtle clues about her feelings. It might make you dumb to feel jealous, or it might make you feel justified, but either way, the feeling would still be present, and therefore legitimate, and would therefore need processing. And what better way to process feelings than to communicate them, am I right? So that's what I am doing, and I hope you aren't mad at me.
I wanted to wait a night to let my hurt feelings settle, feelings which developed out of a dream of being with you in a special place by the lake, then blossomed with more beautiful photographs of that place, then were frustrated by a faulty computer, then reinstated by a drive home, then frustrated again by...........a rival (?).
I know Aurelien is your friend. Please change nothing about that. I know you are not trying to instigate a rivalry, but I have that residue from the past, from you-know-who, and I guess I am still working on it. Aurelien may bug me a bit, but in the long run I am sure he's alright. I just wanted to explain to you the mechanics of what happened, and I hope you aren't mad at me.
I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Late Night Check In
Hey my Angel,
Not much to report today, but I did see your pictures from Porcupine Mountain State Park. You really, really captured the beauty of the place in those shots, and one in particular I really liked, shot # 36 in the FB album, where the trees fade gradually into the mist. That one is magic! You got so many good ones, and that is a nice pic of you and your brother by the lake, too. That is Lake Superior, do I have that right? Well, as I have been saying, next time I am going with you guys!
Did you have your film premier this evening? If so, I hope it turned out as good as you thought it would, and that it did well in the film festival.
Well, only three days til the end of this work cycle, and then five days off, oh boy! The sleep-ins are what is most important......
Anyway, I Love You, and wish you sweet dreams. :):)
I will see you in the morning.
Not much to report today, but I did see your pictures from Porcupine Mountain State Park. You really, really captured the beauty of the place in those shots, and one in particular I really liked, shot # 36 in the FB album, where the trees fade gradually into the mist. That one is magic! You got so many good ones, and that is a nice pic of you and your brother by the lake, too. That is Lake Superior, do I have that right? Well, as I have been saying, next time I am going with you guys!
Did you have your film premier this evening? If so, I hope it turned out as good as you thought it would, and that it did well in the film festival.
Well, only three days til the end of this work cycle, and then five days off, oh boy! The sleep-ins are what is most important......
Anyway, I Love You, and wish you sweet dreams. :):)
I will see you in the morning.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Super Romantic (late night love and travel thoughts)
Sweet, Incredible and Wonderful Lady!,
I just watched an awesome movie called "The Earrings Of Madame de......". We never learn her last name, hence the title. It was made in 1953 by a director named Max Ophuls, who was German, although the film is French. He was renowned for his camerawork and the elegant look of his pictures, but I had never seen any. Criterion put out "Earrings", so I thought I'd give it a try and it was fantastic. It stars a French actress named Danielle Derrieux, and also Charles Boyer, a famous French leading man of the time, as her husband, a General. Vittorio Di Sica, an actor who went on to become a great director (and one of my favorite directors) play her suitor. They don't make films like this anymore, but I wish they did. The story, the acting, the camerawork, the sets..........wow.
It's a tragic story, but it was also so romantic, so of course I had to tell you about it! :):)
I want to watch super romantic movies with you. Other kinds, too, but definitely super romantic ones!
So, I just wanted to tell you about it, because it was really great, and I also wanted to tell you how much I love you, and also to wish you a great afternoon. I love the picture of the kitty just now on FB!
Huge love, multiple hugs and kisses from me, The Guy Who Loves You So Much. xoxoxoxoxo :):)
(back later........)
P.S. Re: the Emily Tebbets pics - now I see.........it's a Unikitty!
11:05pm : I saw the pic earlier of your friend Isabelle in San Francisco, and I am thinking that we need to start planning what our first destination will be. It doesn't matter if it is still a little ways off, because in reality it could happen at any time, so the important part is to think about it, and to believe in it. Elizabeth, if we were going to go somewhere, where would you want to go? It wouldn't have to be the moment we met, obviously, because we would want to get settled first, after meeting one another.
But whether we met in your state or mine, we would get settled, and then we could go someplace. Where would you like to go? It could be anywhere, you know? Well, just for tonight, think about it and plant a seed in your mind that it can be anyplace, and that it will happen, anytime you want. A couple years ago, my sister and I had been making plans to go to France, because I finally had the money to do so. But you know how things go - we all can get stuck in our routines of work, or school, or family, and it isn't always easy to just take off somewhere.
But on the other hand - it is easy.
Really, it isn't that big a deal, and people do it all the time. You just make up your mind to go, and then you go. My sister is probably never gonna go with me to France, or anywhere, because she has too many obligations, work and family, etc.
I know that, as of this moment, it is preliminary to say "let's go, you and me", but on the other hand, it is not preliminary to begin thinking about it. And it can be anywhere. It can be a simple road trip, or a getaway to another country. So at least start thinking about it as a reality. The way to do it, eventually, will be to just go. And we will do it.
I can't wait.
I love you, and tonight we will think about being together, and we will focus on it as we dream.
And it can be anywhere in the world. So just think about where you would like it to be.
It is our time, and we deserve it.
Sweet dreams my love, I will see you in the morning. :):)
I just watched an awesome movie called "The Earrings Of Madame de......". We never learn her last name, hence the title. It was made in 1953 by a director named Max Ophuls, who was German, although the film is French. He was renowned for his camerawork and the elegant look of his pictures, but I had never seen any. Criterion put out "Earrings", so I thought I'd give it a try and it was fantastic. It stars a French actress named Danielle Derrieux, and also Charles Boyer, a famous French leading man of the time, as her husband, a General. Vittorio Di Sica, an actor who went on to become a great director (and one of my favorite directors) play her suitor. They don't make films like this anymore, but I wish they did. The story, the acting, the camerawork, the sets..........wow.
It's a tragic story, but it was also so romantic, so of course I had to tell you about it! :):)
I want to watch super romantic movies with you. Other kinds, too, but definitely super romantic ones!
So, I just wanted to tell you about it, because it was really great, and I also wanted to tell you how much I love you, and also to wish you a great afternoon. I love the picture of the kitty just now on FB!
Huge love, multiple hugs and kisses from me, The Guy Who Loves You So Much. xoxoxoxoxo :):)
(back later........)
P.S. Re: the Emily Tebbets pics - now I see.........it's a Unikitty!
11:05pm : I saw the pic earlier of your friend Isabelle in San Francisco, and I am thinking that we need to start planning what our first destination will be. It doesn't matter if it is still a little ways off, because in reality it could happen at any time, so the important part is to think about it, and to believe in it. Elizabeth, if we were going to go somewhere, where would you want to go? It wouldn't have to be the moment we met, obviously, because we would want to get settled first, after meeting one another.
But whether we met in your state or mine, we would get settled, and then we could go someplace. Where would you like to go? It could be anywhere, you know? Well, just for tonight, think about it and plant a seed in your mind that it can be anyplace, and that it will happen, anytime you want. A couple years ago, my sister and I had been making plans to go to France, because I finally had the money to do so. But you know how things go - we all can get stuck in our routines of work, or school, or family, and it isn't always easy to just take off somewhere.
But on the other hand - it is easy.
Really, it isn't that big a deal, and people do it all the time. You just make up your mind to go, and then you go. My sister is probably never gonna go with me to France, or anywhere, because she has too many obligations, work and family, etc.
I know that, as of this moment, it is preliminary to say "let's go, you and me", but on the other hand, it is not preliminary to begin thinking about it. And it can be anywhere. It can be a simple road trip, or a getaway to another country. So at least start thinking about it as a reality. The way to do it, eventually, will be to just go. And we will do it.
I can't wait.
I love you, and tonight we will think about being together, and we will focus on it as we dream.
And it can be anywhere in the world. So just think about where you would like it to be.
It is our time, and we deserve it.
Sweet dreams my love, I will see you in the morning. :):)
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Togetherness (more added)
Good Evening, my Sweet Angel :
I'm home from Pearl's and I've been thinking all day how much I want to visit Lake Superior with you! Something about that idea really stuck with me the past couple days, and I have been picturing us walking along the shore together. Maybe it's all the news about the Royal Baby, or maybe it's (of all things) the movie I saw yesterday, and the way in which family strength is depicted, or maybe (and most probably) it's just a feeling from you, and the bond we have that already feels like family to me - that already is a family bond.
But I have really been feeling it today, and it makes me feel united with you in a bond of great strength, built upon the love we share. I wanted to tell you about it, and the way I have been especially feeling it today (all day), and the way I picture us at Lake Superior. All of these things gave me a magical feeling today!
So, I am gonna go for my walk, and I'll be back later as always, but I wanted to share with you right away.
I Love You, Elizabeth! (Thank You, Lord). :):)
11:10pm : The night is peaceful, and I haven't much news to report, so I am just listening to KUSC and allowing the ebb and flow to take effect in the ways that it will, before I go to sleep. Another thought I had today had to do with recognotion - recognizing something you have never seen before. Not like deja vu, which is a place or maybe a situation you feel you have seen before. What I am talking about is more immediate, and also possibly expected, in the subconscious.
The subconscious is working on another level, and is possibly ahead of your conscious mind in some ways. Maybe it has access to more information. And so, sometimes you can see something that you have never seen before, and yet you immediately know what it is, and more importantly, what it means.
I lived on Hatton Street as a kid, until I was seven years old. Now, I work right around the corner from my childhood home, but that is not important. But I pass my old home every morn, while walking Kobi the dog. We had Mulberry trees lining the street in the 1960s. One in our front yard still stands to this day. I used to climb that tree as a child.
Once, about fifteen years ago, I happened to be in Reseda, and I saw berries on the Mulberry trees. When I had lived there, there had never been berries, and in the time I have been working for Pearl, I haven't seen any. But what is important is that, on the day I saw those berries, just right out of the blue I got a feeling of recognition. Not deja vu, which is a feeling of reliving something. This was a knowing, or more precisely an acknowledgement .
I know it sounds strange, and it sounds like something small. Just berries.
But the feeling was very powerful, and there was an immediacy to it, and there was also an acknowledgement.
I had never seen berries on the Mulberry trees before, and on the day I did see them, I wasn't expecting them in advance. Why would I? Who would think of such a thing?
And yet - when I did see them, something hit me.
"Oh yeah, there's the berries".
And what I think it is, is a cycle. We go around, and sometimes we see things we recognize from a cycle. I don't want to say it is a previous cycle, because this is not deja vu. And I don't want to say it is a future cycle, because then how could we see it?
So I just call it A Recognition. I haven't had a lot of these Recognitions, but the one with the Mulberries was extremely powerful. I sometimes think we have been around for ages.
And I am always coaxing the Recognitions, because they don't always come on their own. ///
I Love You, Awesome Lady. I tell you these things because you are an Artist, and a rare one at that.
I will see you in the morning. Until then, many hugs and kisses, then sleep and sweet dreams. :):)
I'm home from Pearl's and I've been thinking all day how much I want to visit Lake Superior with you! Something about that idea really stuck with me the past couple days, and I have been picturing us walking along the shore together. Maybe it's all the news about the Royal Baby, or maybe it's (of all things) the movie I saw yesterday, and the way in which family strength is depicted, or maybe (and most probably) it's just a feeling from you, and the bond we have that already feels like family to me - that already is a family bond.
But I have really been feeling it today, and it makes me feel united with you in a bond of great strength, built upon the love we share. I wanted to tell you about it, and the way I have been especially feeling it today (all day), and the way I picture us at Lake Superior. All of these things gave me a magical feeling today!
So, I am gonna go for my walk, and I'll be back later as always, but I wanted to share with you right away.
I Love You, Elizabeth! (Thank You, Lord). :):)
11:10pm : The night is peaceful, and I haven't much news to report, so I am just listening to KUSC and allowing the ebb and flow to take effect in the ways that it will, before I go to sleep. Another thought I had today had to do with recognotion - recognizing something you have never seen before. Not like deja vu, which is a place or maybe a situation you feel you have seen before. What I am talking about is more immediate, and also possibly expected, in the subconscious.
The subconscious is working on another level, and is possibly ahead of your conscious mind in some ways. Maybe it has access to more information. And so, sometimes you can see something that you have never seen before, and yet you immediately know what it is, and more importantly, what it means.
I lived on Hatton Street as a kid, until I was seven years old. Now, I work right around the corner from my childhood home, but that is not important. But I pass my old home every morn, while walking Kobi the dog. We had Mulberry trees lining the street in the 1960s. One in our front yard still stands to this day. I used to climb that tree as a child.
Once, about fifteen years ago, I happened to be in Reseda, and I saw berries on the Mulberry trees. When I had lived there, there had never been berries, and in the time I have been working for Pearl, I haven't seen any. But what is important is that, on the day I saw those berries, just right out of the blue I got a feeling of recognition. Not deja vu, which is a feeling of reliving something. This was a knowing, or more precisely an acknowledgement .
I know it sounds strange, and it sounds like something small. Just berries.
But the feeling was very powerful, and there was an immediacy to it, and there was also an acknowledgement.
I had never seen berries on the Mulberry trees before, and on the day I did see them, I wasn't expecting them in advance. Why would I? Who would think of such a thing?
And yet - when I did see them, something hit me.
"Oh yeah, there's the berries".
And what I think it is, is a cycle. We go around, and sometimes we see things we recognize from a cycle. I don't want to say it is a previous cycle, because this is not deja vu. And I don't want to say it is a future cycle, because then how could we see it?
So I just call it A Recognition. I haven't had a lot of these Recognitions, but the one with the Mulberries was extremely powerful. I sometimes think we have been around for ages.
And I am always coaxing the Recognitions, because they don't always come on their own. ///
I Love You, Awesome Lady. I tell you these things because you are an Artist, and a rare one at that.
I will see you in the morning. Until then, many hugs and kisses, then sleep and sweet dreams. :):)
Monday, July 22, 2013
Two Spirits (more added) (The Conjuring)
Good Morning, my Love :
I am gonna go see a matinee of "The Conjuring" with my sister, so I will be going to Pearl's right after the movie is over, and then I will be back this evening. I loved the photos you posted this morn. The first one is very representative of living the physical and spiritual life simultaneously, as we always talk about. There is a famous photograph in a similar vein, called "The Spirit Leaving The Body", a double exposure by a guy named Duane Michals. It could represent death or - I think - astral projection. But I like our idea best, of living both existences in life.
And I love the photo of the lake and driftwood as well. Next time you go to Lake Superior, I am coming with you! I would love to see what I could find along the shore, perhaps a piece of driftwood, maybe hundreds of years old, or perhaps the beginning of a poem, written on the side of a rock by a Beautiful Artist......
Here's to a great start to the week! I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
(back later....)
7:30pm : I am back, and I am gonna go for my walk before I settle in, but I just wanted to say right away that I saw your posts while I was at Pearl's, and Elizabeth - what wonderful things to say. You (and the man quoted) are exactly right about "what decides the feeling" - "it's who you're with". And that is why I have been feeling so happy ever since I met you. And when we are together, visiting special places or simply "shopping for needles or postage stamps", oh what wonderful times we will have!
Thank you, my Angel. I Love You So. :):)
I will be back later this eve.
10:05pm - Well, "The Conjuring"...........a very effective movie, with an ending that ranks with the scariest movies ever. I was very impressed. I knew of Ed and Lorraine Warren from listening to them on the Art Bell show years ago. Back then, I knew nothing about the case this film is based on, or that the Warrens did things like exorcisms. On the Art Bell show, all they ever talked about was EVP, or electronic voice phenomena, which is the recording - with permission - of spirits on the other side. The Warrens usually did this in a cemetary or haunted house or some other notorious place where troubled spirits were reported. Seeing the film, and getting a more complete idea about the full spectrum of their work, I know now that what they did was to help people indentify and eliminate hauntings. So the spirits they communicated with were all troubled (at least) or far worse, like in the movie. And so, for EVP recordings, they always asked the spirit's permission before recording, so as to promote a feeling of trust and avoid causing problems. Hearing their tapes on Art's show - we are talking about 8 to 10 years ago now - I thought I might one day like to try making an EVP recording. On the show, the Warrens used to give listeners instructions on how to do it (i.e. common sense stuff like "start with a brand new tape"). It sounded pretty easy, but I never did it because I am not a clarvoyant and therefore not in the business of dealing with troubled or evil spirits, and thus it is not something I would want to mess with.
I don't fool around with Ouija boards, either, or anything of the kind. No seances, nothing like that. The Warrens were equipped for that kind of thing because she was a true clarvoyant (and not a sham like so many, who play it like a parlor game), and Ed was a demonologist with an education on the subject. They were also strong Catholics with solid faith, and even with all that to back them up, they still paid quite a price for their work.
So then I thought I'd one day like to try and record, either by sound or photography, the happy side of the spirit world. I was walking through the Orange Grove tonight, and it is an old grove, at least by Northridge standards. Old here, as far as local landmarks, is anything over 75 years old, and the grove is probably pretty close to 100 years old, seeing as how it was planted by the same Norwegian farming families who built the old wooden church in 1911. Anyway, I have heard the grove described before as "haunted". That might be a vibe picked up by someone who doesn't know it well, maybe someone who only lived here a few years and remembers it only in hindsight. I walk past it almost nightly, and it does give off a vibe, but the word I would use is enchanted. I think it is a place of great spiritual energy, but the feeling I get is all positive.
I began to tune in to such things after the earthquake, when I went into the Meadows. As I've said, that building became a photographic and video project for 18 months in 1994-5, and what got me so intrigued about the place was the vibe it gave off. I had never been around death at that point in my life, never had known anyone who had died. But in this building, 16 people had died, and looking at the place, you could just feel it. Because of the force of the quake - the strongest recorded vertical shaking in recent North American history - the building was all smashed and twisted, and in places, the rooms and windows seemed to have developed "expressions", as if they had absorbed the pain inside. I know that sounds weird, but anyone looking for it could plainly see it.
It was in photographing The Meadows - a huge 162 unit complex - and noticing all it's "personalities" and "expressions" that I first came to notice "faces" in inanimate objects. And I came to wonder if an object, a building, say, or a tree, could absorb feeling. That's what they say about haunted houses, that they literally absorb what has taken place inside, usually something unpleasant.
What started the whole Meadows thing was the vibe it gave off, but then something really upped the ante. I had taken rolls and rolls of pics of the outside of the place, and I wanted to see inside, but I couldn't because it was off limits due to city regulations. It was a hazard, for one thing. And, people had died, and for others, their belongings were still in their apartments for months afterward. But I had to see inside, so I finally asked a man who was working there if he would take some photos for me. This man was what is called a Demolition Contractor, and due to a class action lawsuit by some tenants, he was in charge in taking parts of the building apart, piece by piece like a reverse puzzle, to look for faulty construction. One day, in May 1994, four months after the quake, I asked him if he would take some pictures for me of the inside of The Meadows. I didn't ask for anything specific, but I think he knew what I meant.
I wanted to see what "The Rooms" looked like. Rooms where people had died. Many of those rooms had been on the first floor, which was now only about two feet high in most places.
I wanted to see it, not because I am a gruesome person, but because I had been drawn in by the look of the building, and it's seeming "expressions". The only way to photograph the first floor, I later found out, was to get down on your hands and knees in a second floor unit (which was now the ground floor), and reach through a hole in the floor that had been sawed out by the fire department. That was the only way they could get to some of the deceased, by sawing through floors of second floor units.
At any rate, this Demolition Contractor came back that day about an hour later, handed me my camera, and said, "I think I got you some good ones". I was excited to get the roll developed, so I took it right away to the local supermarket (which had a photo service) and they got it back from the Kodak facility a day later.
Looking at the pictures, I could hardly believe my eyes. The rooms in which they had been taken were jumbled and destroyed, but there was also all kinds of what I might call "organic artifacts" visible. Remember that this was in May, four months after the quake, and things had had time to settle, and time to grow.
The vibe of The Meadows, so visible on the outside in it's "faces", had had time to grow throughout the building. Humans - with the exception of a few lawyers and the demolition contractor and his small crew - had not been inside the building for four months. But "The Vibe" had been in there all that time, and it had taken over. And that was visible in the photographs, in what you might call an "organic" way.
The way a shadow can look like a face. The way a blanket that once kept somebody warm can look like a spider web. Things that were inanimate now looked alive.
And in some of the photos, taken by the Demolition Contractor, were ghosts. There more I looked at one photo in particular, the more I was certain. I took that photo back to show to the Demolition man, and I didn't want to prompt him, so I just said, "do you see anything weird in that photo"?
And he pointed at the bottom of the pic - where one of those fire dept. holes had been cut - and he said :
"Oh, you mean down there where all the spirits are"? He had been going in those rooms for weeks, and surely he had gotten the same vibes that had drawn me to the place. Probably stronger, in his case. And so, when I asked him to take pictures for me - even without being specific - he got my drift and took some photos that truly changed the way I look at things.
There was one ghost in that particular picture that I referred to as The Ghost Lady, because her image was so clearly defined. Of course, when I would show her to friends, most would scoff, but I could see her clearly, and with my video camera I isolated her in the photo and videotaped her up close.
This story could fill a book (and I am sorry for rambling!), but what happened later is that in September of that year, it was announced that a local painter had painted a portrait, as a tribute, of all the poor folks who had died inside The Meadows. It was to be unveiled at the Oviatt Library at CSUN, where it was to then hang for a year or so. Well, I went to see the unveiling. I was invited, because of my project at The Meadows. And when the painter took the draping from her portrait, I looked at the portraits of the deceased who had lived at The Meadows. There were 16 in all.
One lady, white haired and smiling, with glasses and a full face that suggested she might have been a bit overweight, stood out to me.
It was The Ghost Lady, there was absolutely no doubt. I took a photo of the painter's portrait and later isolated her individual portrait with my video camera, and I incorporated both images into my video film called "The Meadows". I showed a close up of the "ghost" photo taken by the Demolition Contractor, and then I showed another close up of the white haired lady from the painting.
To this day, the whole thing blows my mind, and not just because of the photographs but because of time spent inside the building for a summer, and the "organic" aspect of things "growing" into something else, when no human involvement is allowed to disrupt the process. Think of ivy growing over an old brick building, or moss, or a spiderweb covered doorway. Only this was different; this was an organic spiritual overgrowth. Things - objects like blankets and lamps - becoming tinged with something else. Something that is different, but you recognize it when you see it.
This is an unusual subject for the blog, I realise, and if it is too dark I apologize, but the film today was very powerful, not only in it's depiction of haunting but also in it's depiction of faith and family.
I saw nothing evil in The Meadows. What I saw was inert, but still alive in that organic way. And I tell you about it because you are an incredibly intelligent woman, and you are a Capital "A" Artist, and most of all because you and I are on the same wavelength.
That's the way Ed and Lorraine Warren are depicted in "The Conjuring". Their lives were about demonology and helping people - living and dead - who were spiritually troubled. But in the movie, it is shown that they are clearly made for each other. They have love, faith, trust and devotion.
You and I are made for each other as well. But I think we are made for Enchantment rather than hauntings. I am interested in both. But I think our energy is suited to the magical.
I Love You my Angel! Thanks for reading all of this. I will see you in the morning.
Sweet dreams until then, and a warm hug and kiss. :):)
I am gonna go see a matinee of "The Conjuring" with my sister, so I will be going to Pearl's right after the movie is over, and then I will be back this evening. I loved the photos you posted this morn. The first one is very representative of living the physical and spiritual life simultaneously, as we always talk about. There is a famous photograph in a similar vein, called "The Spirit Leaving The Body", a double exposure by a guy named Duane Michals. It could represent death or - I think - astral projection. But I like our idea best, of living both existences in life.
And I love the photo of the lake and driftwood as well. Next time you go to Lake Superior, I am coming with you! I would love to see what I could find along the shore, perhaps a piece of driftwood, maybe hundreds of years old, or perhaps the beginning of a poem, written on the side of a rock by a Beautiful Artist......
Here's to a great start to the week! I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
(back later....)
7:30pm : I am back, and I am gonna go for my walk before I settle in, but I just wanted to say right away that I saw your posts while I was at Pearl's, and Elizabeth - what wonderful things to say. You (and the man quoted) are exactly right about "what decides the feeling" - "it's who you're with". And that is why I have been feeling so happy ever since I met you. And when we are together, visiting special places or simply "shopping for needles or postage stamps", oh what wonderful times we will have!
Thank you, my Angel. I Love You So. :):)
I will be back later this eve.
10:05pm - Well, "The Conjuring"...........a very effective movie, with an ending that ranks with the scariest movies ever. I was very impressed. I knew of Ed and Lorraine Warren from listening to them on the Art Bell show years ago. Back then, I knew nothing about the case this film is based on, or that the Warrens did things like exorcisms. On the Art Bell show, all they ever talked about was EVP, or electronic voice phenomena, which is the recording - with permission - of spirits on the other side. The Warrens usually did this in a cemetary or haunted house or some other notorious place where troubled spirits were reported. Seeing the film, and getting a more complete idea about the full spectrum of their work, I know now that what they did was to help people indentify and eliminate hauntings. So the spirits they communicated with were all troubled (at least) or far worse, like in the movie. And so, for EVP recordings, they always asked the spirit's permission before recording, so as to promote a feeling of trust and avoid causing problems. Hearing their tapes on Art's show - we are talking about 8 to 10 years ago now - I thought I might one day like to try making an EVP recording. On the show, the Warrens used to give listeners instructions on how to do it (i.e. common sense stuff like "start with a brand new tape"). It sounded pretty easy, but I never did it because I am not a clarvoyant and therefore not in the business of dealing with troubled or evil spirits, and thus it is not something I would want to mess with.
I don't fool around with Ouija boards, either, or anything of the kind. No seances, nothing like that. The Warrens were equipped for that kind of thing because she was a true clarvoyant (and not a sham like so many, who play it like a parlor game), and Ed was a demonologist with an education on the subject. They were also strong Catholics with solid faith, and even with all that to back them up, they still paid quite a price for their work.
So then I thought I'd one day like to try and record, either by sound or photography, the happy side of the spirit world. I was walking through the Orange Grove tonight, and it is an old grove, at least by Northridge standards. Old here, as far as local landmarks, is anything over 75 years old, and the grove is probably pretty close to 100 years old, seeing as how it was planted by the same Norwegian farming families who built the old wooden church in 1911. Anyway, I have heard the grove described before as "haunted". That might be a vibe picked up by someone who doesn't know it well, maybe someone who only lived here a few years and remembers it only in hindsight. I walk past it almost nightly, and it does give off a vibe, but the word I would use is enchanted. I think it is a place of great spiritual energy, but the feeling I get is all positive.
I began to tune in to such things after the earthquake, when I went into the Meadows. As I've said, that building became a photographic and video project for 18 months in 1994-5, and what got me so intrigued about the place was the vibe it gave off. I had never been around death at that point in my life, never had known anyone who had died. But in this building, 16 people had died, and looking at the place, you could just feel it. Because of the force of the quake - the strongest recorded vertical shaking in recent North American history - the building was all smashed and twisted, and in places, the rooms and windows seemed to have developed "expressions", as if they had absorbed the pain inside. I know that sounds weird, but anyone looking for it could plainly see it.
It was in photographing The Meadows - a huge 162 unit complex - and noticing all it's "personalities" and "expressions" that I first came to notice "faces" in inanimate objects. And I came to wonder if an object, a building, say, or a tree, could absorb feeling. That's what they say about haunted houses, that they literally absorb what has taken place inside, usually something unpleasant.
What started the whole Meadows thing was the vibe it gave off, but then something really upped the ante. I had taken rolls and rolls of pics of the outside of the place, and I wanted to see inside, but I couldn't because it was off limits due to city regulations. It was a hazard, for one thing. And, people had died, and for others, their belongings were still in their apartments for months afterward. But I had to see inside, so I finally asked a man who was working there if he would take some photos for me. This man was what is called a Demolition Contractor, and due to a class action lawsuit by some tenants, he was in charge in taking parts of the building apart, piece by piece like a reverse puzzle, to look for faulty construction. One day, in May 1994, four months after the quake, I asked him if he would take some pictures for me of the inside of The Meadows. I didn't ask for anything specific, but I think he knew what I meant.
I wanted to see what "The Rooms" looked like. Rooms where people had died. Many of those rooms had been on the first floor, which was now only about two feet high in most places.
I wanted to see it, not because I am a gruesome person, but because I had been drawn in by the look of the building, and it's seeming "expressions". The only way to photograph the first floor, I later found out, was to get down on your hands and knees in a second floor unit (which was now the ground floor), and reach through a hole in the floor that had been sawed out by the fire department. That was the only way they could get to some of the deceased, by sawing through floors of second floor units.
At any rate, this Demolition Contractor came back that day about an hour later, handed me my camera, and said, "I think I got you some good ones". I was excited to get the roll developed, so I took it right away to the local supermarket (which had a photo service) and they got it back from the Kodak facility a day later.
Looking at the pictures, I could hardly believe my eyes. The rooms in which they had been taken were jumbled and destroyed, but there was also all kinds of what I might call "organic artifacts" visible. Remember that this was in May, four months after the quake, and things had had time to settle, and time to grow.
The vibe of The Meadows, so visible on the outside in it's "faces", had had time to grow throughout the building. Humans - with the exception of a few lawyers and the demolition contractor and his small crew - had not been inside the building for four months. But "The Vibe" had been in there all that time, and it had taken over. And that was visible in the photographs, in what you might call an "organic" way.
The way a shadow can look like a face. The way a blanket that once kept somebody warm can look like a spider web. Things that were inanimate now looked alive.
And in some of the photos, taken by the Demolition Contractor, were ghosts. There more I looked at one photo in particular, the more I was certain. I took that photo back to show to the Demolition man, and I didn't want to prompt him, so I just said, "do you see anything weird in that photo"?
And he pointed at the bottom of the pic - where one of those fire dept. holes had been cut - and he said :
"Oh, you mean down there where all the spirits are"? He had been going in those rooms for weeks, and surely he had gotten the same vibes that had drawn me to the place. Probably stronger, in his case. And so, when I asked him to take pictures for me - even without being specific - he got my drift and took some photos that truly changed the way I look at things.
There was one ghost in that particular picture that I referred to as The Ghost Lady, because her image was so clearly defined. Of course, when I would show her to friends, most would scoff, but I could see her clearly, and with my video camera I isolated her in the photo and videotaped her up close.
This story could fill a book (and I am sorry for rambling!), but what happened later is that in September of that year, it was announced that a local painter had painted a portrait, as a tribute, of all the poor folks who had died inside The Meadows. It was to be unveiled at the Oviatt Library at CSUN, where it was to then hang for a year or so. Well, I went to see the unveiling. I was invited, because of my project at The Meadows. And when the painter took the draping from her portrait, I looked at the portraits of the deceased who had lived at The Meadows. There were 16 in all.
One lady, white haired and smiling, with glasses and a full face that suggested she might have been a bit overweight, stood out to me.
It was The Ghost Lady, there was absolutely no doubt. I took a photo of the painter's portrait and later isolated her individual portrait with my video camera, and I incorporated both images into my video film called "The Meadows". I showed a close up of the "ghost" photo taken by the Demolition Contractor, and then I showed another close up of the white haired lady from the painting.
To this day, the whole thing blows my mind, and not just because of the photographs but because of time spent inside the building for a summer, and the "organic" aspect of things "growing" into something else, when no human involvement is allowed to disrupt the process. Think of ivy growing over an old brick building, or moss, or a spiderweb covered doorway. Only this was different; this was an organic spiritual overgrowth. Things - objects like blankets and lamps - becoming tinged with something else. Something that is different, but you recognize it when you see it.
This is an unusual subject for the blog, I realise, and if it is too dark I apologize, but the film today was very powerful, not only in it's depiction of haunting but also in it's depiction of faith and family.
I saw nothing evil in The Meadows. What I saw was inert, but still alive in that organic way. And I tell you about it because you are an incredibly intelligent woman, and you are a Capital "A" Artist, and most of all because you and I are on the same wavelength.
That's the way Ed and Lorraine Warren are depicted in "The Conjuring". Their lives were about demonology and helping people - living and dead - who were spiritually troubled. But in the movie, it is shown that they are clearly made for each other. They have love, faith, trust and devotion.
You and I are made for each other as well. But I think we are made for Enchantment rather than hauntings. I am interested in both. But I think our energy is suited to the magical.
I Love You my Angel! Thanks for reading all of this. I will see you in the morning.
Sweet dreams until then, and a warm hug and kiss. :):)
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Great Photos! (goodnight kiss added)
Hey my Darling,
The first thing is, those are some great pictures you got from your film set. There are all kinds of jobs for still photographers in the TV and movie biz, as I'm sure you know. I know it's a little late in the game, considering you've been in college for 2 years (or is it three, counting your pre-college units?), but did you ever consider that you might like film school? I wanted to go to film school, waaay back when, before I even started playing guitar. Film was the only thing that made me want to go to college, when I was out of high school and had no idea what I wanted to do. Now, in those days, there were nowhere near the amount of cinema courses being offered at so many Universities as there are now, and back then, it was UCLA or USC, and those were big bucks schools where you also had to have top notch grades, which of course I did not have, haha. Now, film schools are everywhere, and even CSUN has caught up with the biggies, and is now on par with the other two.
Anyway, I know you can't just willy-nilly change majors, and I also know it wasn't too long ago that you were disenchanted with school altogether, so I am just mentioning it as a "what-if". Are your friends film students and/or former film students, or drama students? My sister Vickie was in the drama department from Junior High all through CSUN, and was in a ton of plays and musicals. I remember walking through the Drama Building at CSUN, which was on my way to elementary school, and because I was Vickie's little brother, some of her drama friends would come up and "act" at me. "Beware the Ides Of March, Landers"!, with the Togas on, and makeup. I used to think, "Man, those drama people are weird"! , lol. But yeah, they do have fun. One thing about movies, though; that business becomes your whole life. "Once you're in, you're in", as they say. Anyhow, I just wanted to congratulate you on your photos, because they are excellent. Are you guys making a horror film? It looked like it, from the one photo of the guy with the heart! Yow! Best of luck for the end result, and for your screening.
Earlier at Pearl's, I posted two responses to your other posts. My friends who know me think I am nuts when I post something that seems like a non-sequitur : "Ha! That's a riot"!, or "True"!, or something like that. But I like to do it anyway! I always hope you can see them. The first one I posted, "That's a riot", was about the Googshnizzle, or whatever it was called. Yeah, you know me girl - jive talk, Ebonics, don't get me started! :) But at least Snoop Dogg made a style out of it. Still......... ;)
And the other one I posted must really have seemed like a non-sequitur : "Torsion"!
"What the Hell is with him"? - My friends.
What I meant was, besides it being a beautiful picture of a snail, was that the shell featured the spiral pattern I wrote about the other night, as indicated by the Kozyrev Time Flow. I figured that maybe you were indicating the Snail's shell as well. If so, then you would have known what I meant. I'm not as weird as I seem, lol! Anyhow, when I was out with the Kobedog at CSUN this morn, I was making a point to notice all the spiralling patterns I could find, and I noticed them especially in tree roots. A lot of the trees seem screwed or twisted into the ground, and even the branches have a spiral flow, if you look for it. That is the Torsion Tensor at work. Torsion is the twist, and the tensor is the conduit that transfers the torsion from one system to another. So, if time is flowing in a spiralling pattern, or if it has a spiralling effect when flowing through and around the Bodies Of The Universe, and further, if the spiralling patterns are also affected by the local spacial geometries of planetary bodies and star systems, then those patterns are transferred into our dimension via a torsion tensor, and the patterns show up most prominently in mollusk shells, but also in trees, and all kinds of places. All you've gotta do is look for them!
So says Nikolai Kozyrev, anyway, and Joe Farrell too. :)
Well, I am gonna go for my walk now, but I will be back later to say goodnight. I Love You, my Beautiful Artist! :):)
11:30pm : It is once again time for an embrace ( a lingering one!) and a goodnight kiss, as we spend the night together in spirit. I want to once again congratulate you on your photography, you really captured the moment in those pictures from the film. Just keep shooting, as you know, and use the rest of this summer to also establish a rock solid foundation in your mind that "This Is Your Life". Remember (and of course you already know) that 99% of life is Intent - placing your imprint upon Life rather than the opposite. As long as You Are Being You, your life will proceed along it's proper course.
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I will see you in the morning as always. xoxoxoxo :):)
The first thing is, those are some great pictures you got from your film set. There are all kinds of jobs for still photographers in the TV and movie biz, as I'm sure you know. I know it's a little late in the game, considering you've been in college for 2 years (or is it three, counting your pre-college units?), but did you ever consider that you might like film school? I wanted to go to film school, waaay back when, before I even started playing guitar. Film was the only thing that made me want to go to college, when I was out of high school and had no idea what I wanted to do. Now, in those days, there were nowhere near the amount of cinema courses being offered at so many Universities as there are now, and back then, it was UCLA or USC, and those were big bucks schools where you also had to have top notch grades, which of course I did not have, haha. Now, film schools are everywhere, and even CSUN has caught up with the biggies, and is now on par with the other two.
Anyway, I know you can't just willy-nilly change majors, and I also know it wasn't too long ago that you were disenchanted with school altogether, so I am just mentioning it as a "what-if". Are your friends film students and/or former film students, or drama students? My sister Vickie was in the drama department from Junior High all through CSUN, and was in a ton of plays and musicals. I remember walking through the Drama Building at CSUN, which was on my way to elementary school, and because I was Vickie's little brother, some of her drama friends would come up and "act" at me. "Beware the Ides Of March, Landers"!, with the Togas on, and makeup. I used to think, "Man, those drama people are weird"! , lol. But yeah, they do have fun. One thing about movies, though; that business becomes your whole life. "Once you're in, you're in", as they say. Anyhow, I just wanted to congratulate you on your photos, because they are excellent. Are you guys making a horror film? It looked like it, from the one photo of the guy with the heart! Yow! Best of luck for the end result, and for your screening.
Earlier at Pearl's, I posted two responses to your other posts. My friends who know me think I am nuts when I post something that seems like a non-sequitur : "Ha! That's a riot"!, or "True"!, or something like that. But I like to do it anyway! I always hope you can see them. The first one I posted, "That's a riot", was about the Googshnizzle, or whatever it was called. Yeah, you know me girl - jive talk, Ebonics, don't get me started! :) But at least Snoop Dogg made a style out of it. Still......... ;)
And the other one I posted must really have seemed like a non-sequitur : "Torsion"!
"What the Hell is with him"? - My friends.
What I meant was, besides it being a beautiful picture of a snail, was that the shell featured the spiral pattern I wrote about the other night, as indicated by the Kozyrev Time Flow. I figured that maybe you were indicating the Snail's shell as well. If so, then you would have known what I meant. I'm not as weird as I seem, lol! Anyhow, when I was out with the Kobedog at CSUN this morn, I was making a point to notice all the spiralling patterns I could find, and I noticed them especially in tree roots. A lot of the trees seem screwed or twisted into the ground, and even the branches have a spiral flow, if you look for it. That is the Torsion Tensor at work. Torsion is the twist, and the tensor is the conduit that transfers the torsion from one system to another. So, if time is flowing in a spiralling pattern, or if it has a spiralling effect when flowing through and around the Bodies Of The Universe, and further, if the spiralling patterns are also affected by the local spacial geometries of planetary bodies and star systems, then those patterns are transferred into our dimension via a torsion tensor, and the patterns show up most prominently in mollusk shells, but also in trees, and all kinds of places. All you've gotta do is look for them!
So says Nikolai Kozyrev, anyway, and Joe Farrell too. :)
Well, I am gonna go for my walk now, but I will be back later to say goodnight. I Love You, my Beautiful Artist! :):)
11:30pm : It is once again time for an embrace ( a lingering one!) and a goodnight kiss, as we spend the night together in spirit. I want to once again congratulate you on your photography, you really captured the moment in those pictures from the film. Just keep shooting, as you know, and use the rest of this summer to also establish a rock solid foundation in your mind that "This Is Your Life". Remember (and of course you already know) that 99% of life is Intent - placing your imprint upon Life rather than the opposite. As long as You Are Being You, your life will proceed along it's proper course.
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I will see you in the morning as always. xoxoxoxo :):)
Saturday, July 20, 2013
After Midnight (goodnight kiss & sweet dreams)
Good Evening, my Darling :
Is that us in the photo you posted earler? I think it should be! "A guy and his chick". Seriously though, that could be me, cradling you, so it's very representative. I Love You, Elizabeth! (I think I am gonna have to shout it from the rooftops). :)
Is your film coming along well? I hope so. I took a few pics today myself. Grimsley came over. He just got a new job, driving for a limo company. He is not driving the limos yet, just a black Town Car, but he still looked pretty snazzy (and very un-Grimsleylike!) so I had to snap a few quick pics. I made 'em look like papparazi photos, like Grim is a Big Wheeler Dealer, haha. So that was fun. I also took some more B&W night shots at CSUN, and got a few good ones of buildings and sky. Other than that, today was typical Saturday shopping with my sister. I have one more week to go until I get my next break, and this time I will get five days off, so I am really looking forward to it. If you were here, it would be road trip time!
Well, I am gonna post this now, so I can catch you while you are still up, and then I will be awake for a little while myself, so I will check back in to say goodnight. For now, a Preliminary Hug & Kiss, and then another one before bedtime.
xoxoxoxo :):)
11:10pm : I wanted to add that, in the photo you posted, I know that was your friend, so I most certainly wasn't making fun. I just loved the symbolism! Anyhow, I think about you all the time, my girl, and I am always thinking of things we can do. We can take all of these feelings we feel, and turn them into something very original. On my own, I often do not know what I am looking for, creatively speaking. And so I like to let the Muse decide for me. Sometimes, I like not knowing what I am going to photograph, or write about, because then it puts the impetus on me (and on the Muse) to look for that New Thing. And I think, you and me together, creatively of a similar mind but with our own individual takes on things.......I think that one day, we are going to produce something that is very interesting. It will come out of that mindset of not knowing, but seeking - paying attention. The Muse is there - "what should we create"?
You and I both have the ability to focus in on what is being inwardly directed . This direction comes not from the world at large, but from an inside source. And we have the ability to tune it in.
And so, there is a line of creativity awaiting us. The best part - I think, anyway - is not knowing exactly what it is.
I Love You, my Angel. I wish you sweet dreams, and daydreams, and pure imagination.
I will see you in the morning. :):) xoxoxoxo - the hug and kiss for happy sleep.
12:30am : I Love You So Much, Elizabeth.
Is that us in the photo you posted earler? I think it should be! "A guy and his chick". Seriously though, that could be me, cradling you, so it's very representative. I Love You, Elizabeth! (I think I am gonna have to shout it from the rooftops). :)
Is your film coming along well? I hope so. I took a few pics today myself. Grimsley came over. He just got a new job, driving for a limo company. He is not driving the limos yet, just a black Town Car, but he still looked pretty snazzy (and very un-Grimsleylike!) so I had to snap a few quick pics. I made 'em look like papparazi photos, like Grim is a Big Wheeler Dealer, haha. So that was fun. I also took some more B&W night shots at CSUN, and got a few good ones of buildings and sky. Other than that, today was typical Saturday shopping with my sister. I have one more week to go until I get my next break, and this time I will get five days off, so I am really looking forward to it. If you were here, it would be road trip time!
Well, I am gonna post this now, so I can catch you while you are still up, and then I will be awake for a little while myself, so I will check back in to say goodnight. For now, a Preliminary Hug & Kiss, and then another one before bedtime.
xoxoxoxo :):)
11:10pm : I wanted to add that, in the photo you posted, I know that was your friend, so I most certainly wasn't making fun. I just loved the symbolism! Anyhow, I think about you all the time, my girl, and I am always thinking of things we can do. We can take all of these feelings we feel, and turn them into something very original. On my own, I often do not know what I am looking for, creatively speaking. And so I like to let the Muse decide for me. Sometimes, I like not knowing what I am going to photograph, or write about, because then it puts the impetus on me (and on the Muse) to look for that New Thing. And I think, you and me together, creatively of a similar mind but with our own individual takes on things.......I think that one day, we are going to produce something that is very interesting. It will come out of that mindset of not knowing, but seeking - paying attention. The Muse is there - "what should we create"?
You and I both have the ability to focus in on what is being inwardly directed . This direction comes not from the world at large, but from an inside source. And we have the ability to tune it in.
And so, there is a line of creativity awaiting us. The best part - I think, anyway - is not knowing exactly what it is.
I Love You, my Angel. I wish you sweet dreams, and daydreams, and pure imagination.
I will see you in the morning. :):) xoxoxoxo - the hug and kiss for happy sleep.
12:30am : I Love You So Much, Elizabeth.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Have Fun! (late night kiss added)
Hey my Angel,
Happy Friday afternoon! I am checking in to wish you good luck on your film project! I know you will come up with some great ideas, and have fun in the process. So, have a blast, and I will be back later tonight. Maybe I will try to take some pictures myself - creativity is always infectious!
I Love You! :):)
(back later.......)
11:10pm : I am guessing you are still up and working on the film. Is this an arts program or competiton, sponsored by the city? In any case, I hope it is coming along well. I have just been hanging out tonight, watching an X-Files episode on dvd and talking to Grimsley. He wants me to go with him to see a band called Dillinger Escape Plan, but I don't think it's my kind of thing, so I am gonna pass. That was a pretty good Neige interview, don't you think? He opened up a bit about his songwriting, and his commitment to melody. An intelligent guy for sure.
Well, that's all for today. Continuing best wishes on your film! A hug and kiss for tonight, and I will see you in the morning.
I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
Happy Friday afternoon! I am checking in to wish you good luck on your film project! I know you will come up with some great ideas, and have fun in the process. So, have a blast, and I will be back later tonight. Maybe I will try to take some pictures myself - creativity is always infectious!
I Love You! :):)
(back later.......)
11:10pm : I am guessing you are still up and working on the film. Is this an arts program or competiton, sponsored by the city? In any case, I hope it is coming along well. I have just been hanging out tonight, watching an X-Files episode on dvd and talking to Grimsley. He wants me to go with him to see a band called Dillinger Escape Plan, but I don't think it's my kind of thing, so I am gonna pass. That was a pretty good Neige interview, don't you think? He opened up a bit about his songwriting, and his commitment to melody. An intelligent guy for sure.
Well, that's all for today. Continuing best wishes on your film! A hug and kiss for tonight, and I will see you in the morning.
I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Love Affair (goodnight kiss added)
Awesome Lady!
That's exactly right! Photography is a love affair with life, in wanting to capture all the special moments and bring them with us! That's why I love to write things down, too, so I can remember them.
In our case, I would add one thing to the photography quote:
"Photography is a love affair with life.........and also with the other photographer".
I got ya with that one! :)
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I am thinking about you all day as always. :):)
(back later this eve, continue having a great day)
11:15 : I haven't much to report this eve, so I will just say goodnight with a hug and kiss. I am always interested in your day, too, and I take it that things are good right now, at home and at work, even if somewhat routine. That's the way my days are with Pearl - good but routine. But I am loving the Summer energy, and I hope you are too.
I will see you in the morn. I Love You! :):)
That's exactly right! Photography is a love affair with life, in wanting to capture all the special moments and bring them with us! That's why I love to write things down, too, so I can remember them.
In our case, I would add one thing to the photography quote:
"Photography is a love affair with life.........and also with the other photographer".
I got ya with that one! :)
I Love You, Elizabeth, and I am thinking about you all day as always. :):)
(back later this eve, continue having a great day)
11:15 : I haven't much to report this eve, so I will just say goodnight with a hug and kiss. I am always interested in your day, too, and I take it that things are good right now, at home and at work, even if somewhat routine. That's the way my days are with Pearl - good but routine. But I am loving the Summer energy, and I hope you are too.
I will see you in the morn. I Love You! :):)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Art Astronauts (more added)
Hey Sweet Baby,
I'm home from Pearl's. Lots of driving back and forth today, so I am gonna relax for a few and then go for my walk later. I saw your yoga picture. Does that mean you do yoga yourself? If so, you can teach me! I want to keep in tip-top shape always, and right now I am just walking and doing my dumbells. But I know yoga is supposed to be the ultimate, as far as a holistic body is concerned. So let's stretch and hold the position! I liked the t-shirt you posted earlier too. That's us, we are Art Astronauts, exploring the Universe of Creativity!
Well, I am gonna take my shoes off and relax for a bit, then put 'em back on later and go for my walk. I'll be back to write more later tonight. Hope you had an awesome day, and if you went to Las Vegas right now, and placed a bet on "Adam Loves Me", you'd win big, baby!
You Rule. :):)
(back in a while......)
10:30pm : I am reading my Joe Farrell book, "The Philosopher's Stone", and Joe is discussing the experiments of a Russian astronomer/physicist named Nikolai Kozyrev. He was influenced by his observations of spirals on sea shells (and on dna and many life forms, galaxies, etc. from the small to the enormous), and he came up with the idea that time is not merely a duration but an actual energy force that permeates everything, like water that saturates a sponge. He basically says time is the aether out of which everything arises, and also that it has a torsion (twisting) effect on all physical bodies it wraps around. Not real romantic stuff to write about, I realise, but I am fascinated by the concepts of duration and extension, and when I read about them as talked about by physicists, in their difficult and convoluted language, I like to try and wrap my mind around the ideas, to understand the mechanical processes involved. I am really interested in the ideas of different and simultaneous incarnations, or let's say different forms, of a person living a current life on Planet Earth.
One form could be the body of the person (you & me), and another form could be the thought of the person, and a third form could be the positioning of the person in what we consider the past, present or future. This guy Kozyrev said that time (a fabric that is non-physical and yet still dimensional) could be affected by electromagnetic forces of rotation from other systems - think "planets & star systems" - and that what we sense as "duration" is actually a condensing or stretching of the fabric of "time", which is actually the matrix of physical reality, the Aether.
Did you ever have, when you were a little kid maybe, one of those days where things seemed to last a very long time? The morning went on, slowly, and you saw and did many things, and then came noon. Then the afternoon felt like another day in itself, and then came dinnertime, with family perhaps, and that, too, was a seperate entity of "time experience" in that particular day, when time felt really stretched out? Finally, you might have had a memorable evening to top it off, and it might not have been anything extraordinary, maybe just an evening at home watching TV, or talking with friends.......
But on such a day - a long, long day of extension that felt like magic and produced many detailed memories - I will bet that, in memory for certain (in hindsight), such a day felt as if time were Stretched Out, like an elastic band.
I have such days in memory, and I'll bet you do too. Dr. Kozyrev says that they are not illusions, but experiences of elongated time.
I think of the time elapsed since I met you, and very often I say to myself, considering a particular period between events, "that was only three months ago", or four or five months. Time has certainly stretched out in this way for us. So, even though physics isn't a romantic subject (Einstein may disagree!), I like to contemplate it from a spiritual standpoint.
For you and I, I am always interested in the bigger picture, though I love the everyday human details just as much.
That is all I know for tonight, my girl. I Love You and send you Sweet Dreams.......
(hug and kiss and cuddle) :):)
I'm home from Pearl's. Lots of driving back and forth today, so I am gonna relax for a few and then go for my walk later. I saw your yoga picture. Does that mean you do yoga yourself? If so, you can teach me! I want to keep in tip-top shape always, and right now I am just walking and doing my dumbells. But I know yoga is supposed to be the ultimate, as far as a holistic body is concerned. So let's stretch and hold the position! I liked the t-shirt you posted earlier too. That's us, we are Art Astronauts, exploring the Universe of Creativity!
Well, I am gonna take my shoes off and relax for a bit, then put 'em back on later and go for my walk. I'll be back to write more later tonight. Hope you had an awesome day, and if you went to Las Vegas right now, and placed a bet on "Adam Loves Me", you'd win big, baby!
You Rule. :):)
(back in a while......)
10:30pm : I am reading my Joe Farrell book, "The Philosopher's Stone", and Joe is discussing the experiments of a Russian astronomer/physicist named Nikolai Kozyrev. He was influenced by his observations of spirals on sea shells (and on dna and many life forms, galaxies, etc. from the small to the enormous), and he came up with the idea that time is not merely a duration but an actual energy force that permeates everything, like water that saturates a sponge. He basically says time is the aether out of which everything arises, and also that it has a torsion (twisting) effect on all physical bodies it wraps around. Not real romantic stuff to write about, I realise, but I am fascinated by the concepts of duration and extension, and when I read about them as talked about by physicists, in their difficult and convoluted language, I like to try and wrap my mind around the ideas, to understand the mechanical processes involved. I am really interested in the ideas of different and simultaneous incarnations, or let's say different forms, of a person living a current life on Planet Earth.
One form could be the body of the person (you & me), and another form could be the thought of the person, and a third form could be the positioning of the person in what we consider the past, present or future. This guy Kozyrev said that time (a fabric that is non-physical and yet still dimensional) could be affected by electromagnetic forces of rotation from other systems - think "planets & star systems" - and that what we sense as "duration" is actually a condensing or stretching of the fabric of "time", which is actually the matrix of physical reality, the Aether.
Did you ever have, when you were a little kid maybe, one of those days where things seemed to last a very long time? The morning went on, slowly, and you saw and did many things, and then came noon. Then the afternoon felt like another day in itself, and then came dinnertime, with family perhaps, and that, too, was a seperate entity of "time experience" in that particular day, when time felt really stretched out? Finally, you might have had a memorable evening to top it off, and it might not have been anything extraordinary, maybe just an evening at home watching TV, or talking with friends.......
But on such a day - a long, long day of extension that felt like magic and produced many detailed memories - I will bet that, in memory for certain (in hindsight), such a day felt as if time were Stretched Out, like an elastic band.
I have such days in memory, and I'll bet you do too. Dr. Kozyrev says that they are not illusions, but experiences of elongated time.
I think of the time elapsed since I met you, and very often I say to myself, considering a particular period between events, "that was only three months ago", or four or five months. Time has certainly stretched out in this way for us. So, even though physics isn't a romantic subject (Einstein may disagree!), I like to contemplate it from a spiritual standpoint.
For you and I, I am always interested in the bigger picture, though I love the everyday human details just as much.
That is all I know for tonight, my girl. I Love You and send you Sweet Dreams.......
(hug and kiss and cuddle) :):)
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Evening Kiss (more added) (kiss goodnight)
Good Evening my Beautiful Angel,
I just got home from Pearl's a few minutes ago, and I wanted to say hi right away because I've been thinking of you all day and I love you so much. These are good days, my girl, warm, contemplative and wonderful. My building is quiet in the summer, so I can really get into "my world with you", where I can bring us together through thought and desire. Soon we will be together like your friends in today's picture, and we will be smiling and happy too. This is a beautiful feeling tonight, I'm absorbing it as I write and sending it back to you. It's like a current, cycling between us and through us, and really it's a part of us because it emanates from us, one to the other and vice-versa. So, I am gonna go on my walk now, and you will be with me the whole way, and I will be with you, too, where you are. And later I will write some more.
I Love You So, So Much, Elizabeth. :):) xoxoxoxox
9:40pm : Yeah, working on a painting......that is something I'd love to get back to myself. I only ever did it for about two years, back in the mid-90s. No training, I just went for it. That's how things were at the Burton Street house, when I was living with Dave, Dad and Ryan after the earthquake. When that event happened, it was so disorienting and threw things so out of whack that we (and especially me) just reacted with an all out Art Blitz. It started with photography, because I wanted to document what happened. Then one day I came home and Dave had made a couple paintings. He had even made his own frames and stretched his own canvases over them. He learned from another guy we knew named Steve, who was a friend of my Dad's from the VA hospital. So all of a sudden, painting was the thing, and I gave it a go myself. I think I did about 30 of 'em, in various shapes and sizes. We loved all kinds of art, including abstract, and since none of us had any training, that's what we went for. We figured we could do it. I do hate it, though, when you hear people say, about Jackson Pollack or someone like him (someone original, in other words), "Oh, my five year old could do that". It's not true, because there is feeling inside the best abstract art, and it is often complex feeling, and it is there for the same reason a certain guitar note or piano chord has feeling: because the emotion existed inside the musician at the moment he transferred the notes through his instrument. And it's the same deal with a good painter, abstract or otherwise. The painting is a product of transferred emotion.
So, just like you have to "be in the moment" while playing music, so as not to be "phoning it in", you also have to be in the moment when painting, and feeling what you wish to convey. Now, that doesn't mean the painting will be everyone's cup of tea. The painting by Dave that is in the background of a photo I posted last night on Flickr is an example. Up close, it is a very dark and chaotic artwork, full of layers and hidden images. Dave was sometimes a tormented guy, and he would paint over his paintings, sometimes several times. He'd decide he didn't like it, or maybe part of it, and instead of whiting it over and starting anew, he'd just start painting over the top of the finished work. That's what's going on in the painting on my wall in that photo. It is a painted-over painting. A lot of people would not like it, and it certainly is dark in it's energy, especially in person.
But Dave had a good visual sense, and most importantly, he put every bit of emotion into whatever he was working on, no matter the art form.
That's why, when someone says "my five year old could do that", they are wrong. A five year old would not have the emotional development to feel such things, and therefore to convey them. This is not to say that every abstract painter is great, just because they felt something and transferred it to canvas. But when you go to a modern art museum, you can get a feel for the ones that are good, and of course it's all subjective, just like any other matter of personal taste. We liked guys like Pollack, Willem deKooning, Vasily Kandinsky, Marc Chagall, and a bunch of others.
For "regular" painting, my favorite artist (and I have mentioned him before) is George Inness, the American landscape master from the late 19th century. I also love JMW Turner, and of course Monet, and Gustav Klimt, and again - a whole bunch of others.
I haven't been to the museum in a while. I need to go! We have the Getty, which is a good one, but I think the L.A. County Museum Of Art is even better. Then we have MOCA, too, the Museum Of Contemporary Art.
So let's go to some museums, and let's paint! We can draw, too. I love to draw.
Hey! That reminds me of something I haven't thought of for ages......hand-tinted photographs! I'm sure you've heard of the technique. The photo has to be black and white, and has to be a print. Then you take these colors (and I can't remember if they were pastel pencils or if they were painted on with a brush), but anyway, you color (hand-tint) the photo yourself. We did that in photo class and it was a blast. I still have a few hand-tint photos and I will have to dig them out. I also really, really hope you get to try a black & white enlarger, and make and develop your own prints. If you ever want to, that is. It is truly a blast to do it, and it's one of the reasons I loved photo class so much.
So, that's a little bit about something else we are gonna do together: paint! And take photos! And go to museums! And make our own little museum out of our own paintings and photos!
I Love You, Elizabeth! (back in a little while, to kiss you before I go to sleep)
11:25pm : Getting near bedtime for me, even later for you. What time do you have to be at work in the morning? Or maybe afternoon, if you are part-time. Ah well, I know at heart you are like me - a Night Person. We like the night because that's when the quiet comes out. Quiet of sound, but also of light, and therefore of shape. Things become less structured, less formed. There is less noise for the visual and aural senses to decode. Quiet brings the mind to life, it's inner workings, which during the day (or much of it anyhow) are dormant, as the surface-level mind deals with all it must react to. But at night the inner mind can venture out and wander. There is no stimuli at night, so things clear up, and life becomes clearer as a result. The day's "news" is put into perspective, and the realization that one lives in an enormous Universe, filled with mystery, gives a person clarity as to what to prioritize.
I love the night.
So, now that it is late, I will kiss you again before I go to sleep. And then I will see you in the morning.
:):)
I just got home from Pearl's a few minutes ago, and I wanted to say hi right away because I've been thinking of you all day and I love you so much. These are good days, my girl, warm, contemplative and wonderful. My building is quiet in the summer, so I can really get into "my world with you", where I can bring us together through thought and desire. Soon we will be together like your friends in today's picture, and we will be smiling and happy too. This is a beautiful feeling tonight, I'm absorbing it as I write and sending it back to you. It's like a current, cycling between us and through us, and really it's a part of us because it emanates from us, one to the other and vice-versa. So, I am gonna go on my walk now, and you will be with me the whole way, and I will be with you, too, where you are. And later I will write some more.
I Love You So, So Much, Elizabeth. :):) xoxoxoxox
9:40pm : Yeah, working on a painting......that is something I'd love to get back to myself. I only ever did it for about two years, back in the mid-90s. No training, I just went for it. That's how things were at the Burton Street house, when I was living with Dave, Dad and Ryan after the earthquake. When that event happened, it was so disorienting and threw things so out of whack that we (and especially me) just reacted with an all out Art Blitz. It started with photography, because I wanted to document what happened. Then one day I came home and Dave had made a couple paintings. He had even made his own frames and stretched his own canvases over them. He learned from another guy we knew named Steve, who was a friend of my Dad's from the VA hospital. So all of a sudden, painting was the thing, and I gave it a go myself. I think I did about 30 of 'em, in various shapes and sizes. We loved all kinds of art, including abstract, and since none of us had any training, that's what we went for. We figured we could do it. I do hate it, though, when you hear people say, about Jackson Pollack or someone like him (someone original, in other words), "Oh, my five year old could do that". It's not true, because there is feeling inside the best abstract art, and it is often complex feeling, and it is there for the same reason a certain guitar note or piano chord has feeling: because the emotion existed inside the musician at the moment he transferred the notes through his instrument. And it's the same deal with a good painter, abstract or otherwise. The painting is a product of transferred emotion.
So, just like you have to "be in the moment" while playing music, so as not to be "phoning it in", you also have to be in the moment when painting, and feeling what you wish to convey. Now, that doesn't mean the painting will be everyone's cup of tea. The painting by Dave that is in the background of a photo I posted last night on Flickr is an example. Up close, it is a very dark and chaotic artwork, full of layers and hidden images. Dave was sometimes a tormented guy, and he would paint over his paintings, sometimes several times. He'd decide he didn't like it, or maybe part of it, and instead of whiting it over and starting anew, he'd just start painting over the top of the finished work. That's what's going on in the painting on my wall in that photo. It is a painted-over painting. A lot of people would not like it, and it certainly is dark in it's energy, especially in person.
But Dave had a good visual sense, and most importantly, he put every bit of emotion into whatever he was working on, no matter the art form.
That's why, when someone says "my five year old could do that", they are wrong. A five year old would not have the emotional development to feel such things, and therefore to convey them. This is not to say that every abstract painter is great, just because they felt something and transferred it to canvas. But when you go to a modern art museum, you can get a feel for the ones that are good, and of course it's all subjective, just like any other matter of personal taste. We liked guys like Pollack, Willem deKooning, Vasily Kandinsky, Marc Chagall, and a bunch of others.
For "regular" painting, my favorite artist (and I have mentioned him before) is George Inness, the American landscape master from the late 19th century. I also love JMW Turner, and of course Monet, and Gustav Klimt, and again - a whole bunch of others.
I haven't been to the museum in a while. I need to go! We have the Getty, which is a good one, but I think the L.A. County Museum Of Art is even better. Then we have MOCA, too, the Museum Of Contemporary Art.
So let's go to some museums, and let's paint! We can draw, too. I love to draw.
Hey! That reminds me of something I haven't thought of for ages......hand-tinted photographs! I'm sure you've heard of the technique. The photo has to be black and white, and has to be a print. Then you take these colors (and I can't remember if they were pastel pencils or if they were painted on with a brush), but anyway, you color (hand-tint) the photo yourself. We did that in photo class and it was a blast. I still have a few hand-tint photos and I will have to dig them out. I also really, really hope you get to try a black & white enlarger, and make and develop your own prints. If you ever want to, that is. It is truly a blast to do it, and it's one of the reasons I loved photo class so much.
So, that's a little bit about something else we are gonna do together: paint! And take photos! And go to museums! And make our own little museum out of our own paintings and photos!
I Love You, Elizabeth! (back in a little while, to kiss you before I go to sleep)
11:25pm : Getting near bedtime for me, even later for you. What time do you have to be at work in the morning? Or maybe afternoon, if you are part-time. Ah well, I know at heart you are like me - a Night Person. We like the night because that's when the quiet comes out. Quiet of sound, but also of light, and therefore of shape. Things become less structured, less formed. There is less noise for the visual and aural senses to decode. Quiet brings the mind to life, it's inner workings, which during the day (or much of it anyhow) are dormant, as the surface-level mind deals with all it must react to. But at night the inner mind can venture out and wander. There is no stimuli at night, so things clear up, and life becomes clearer as a result. The day's "news" is put into perspective, and the realization that one lives in an enormous Universe, filled with mystery, gives a person clarity as to what to prioritize.
I love the night.
So, now that it is late, I will kiss you again before I go to sleep. And then I will see you in the morning.
:):)
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