Good Morning, my Darling,
I'm just checking in to say hi and see how things are going, cause I haven't heard from you for a while. I know you are busy, so maybe it's just that, but I also wonder if you are upset with me. If so, I am trying to understand the reason, and all I can do on my end is just go over what I've written. It's been a complicated few days, what with all my explanations and lengthy blogs, but after Monday I figured we had it all sorted out and everything was okay. Looking at things from there, I posted another long blog, and in hindsight, I see that it's possible that what I wrote didn't translate as I'd intended. Such is often the result of an attempt at humor over the Internet, and especially my humor (probably dumb).
If that is the case, that you are upset because of that blog, please know that it was just my attempt to lighten the situation, but in reading it back myself, I can see how it might not have come across that way. Writing about stupidity can come across as arrogant, and while I was trying to poke fun at myself, too, I realize that the humor might not have come across, and that it could seem callous instead.
Right now, I just opened another window on the computer, so I can alternately type this blog and read back the other blog, too, the one entitled "Sheepish". And in reading it back, right now, I can see that it reads as glib. Me talking first about being in good humor, and then going on to say how "stupidity really bugs me", etc. etc. Boy, Ad - note to self : "Think before just assuming that what you type will come across, especially after going through a sensitive situation". The whole thing comes across as glib, and I can see that.
I was feeling very relieved on Monday, because I had gone through my jealousy, which I "acted out" by allowing my hurt feelings to get the better of me, and subsequently not writing to you on Friday night. Then on Saturday, I wrote all my explanations and you posted the Hand Over Heart. Then on Sunday, you were indeed busy with your photography, but I also got confused by the day's posts (no need to rehash them here), which were then cleared up when I saw your photo of Rebecca on Monday morning. So, after going through jealousy and a confusing few days, I was very relieved by Monday afternoon to have everything straightened out. And do you know how, when you go through a unpleasant or unnerving situation (cause I love you and misunderstandings equate to that feeling), you sometimes try to use humor to laugh it off, to lighten up the mood? That's what I was trying to do with my "Sheepish" blog. I was relieved, and was trying to make light of everything by making fun of my attitude, by bringing in my Dad's mindset and the way it affected me, etc., etc. etc.
And in reading that blog back, right now, I see that it only comes across as glib. I was feeling relief, but the only thing that comes across is arrogance, as if I was being dismissive of the whole situation over the weekend. You may have taken my words to mean that the weekend situation, brought on by my imperfections and plain old jealousy, was something I thought was stupid, or that I thought your friend was stupid - that I was dismissing the entire situation and being contemptuous.
Now I need to cross my hands over my heart and tell you, honestly, that was not my intention.
In my relief over the jealousy situation being resolved, I was attempting to be "cute" in my writing, and to unite everybody - so to speak - by saying that, if there was one thing we can all agree on, it's that stupidity sucks. By that, I did not mean that the weekend situation was stupid, or that your friend is stupid (I can tell he certainly isn't), but that we are all united, instead, by our love of intelligence. That's why I wrote the last part about Hipsters, too (because they really are dumb, lol).
I actually did have that conversation with my brother that day, talking about political correctness, and I am not particularly politically correct myself. It's why I generally keep my politics to myself, because I find a lot of absurdity coming from all factions, even though I have always been a registered Democrat, and the absurdity in politics, and in life as reported by the mainstream media, can take up all one's time if one chooses to focus on it. That's why I focus on art and the things I usually talk to you about. But all of that is neither here nor there, as far as that blog was concerned.
I did try to convey, in the "Sheepish" blog, that I was sheepish about my feelings of jealousy, because while I was able to analyse their origins in hindsight, I was still unable to prevent them from arising, me being "just a guy" and all. So, in the "Sheepish" blog, I wrote that in hindsight, I did not like (was not proud) that I had expressed dislike for your friend, and that it is against my nature to dislike anyone. Then I went further, and tried to explain that - being politically incorrect due to living in the modern world - and simply being an intelligent human, that it wasn't always possible to like everything and everyone, but that for me, because I really want to like everyone, what I was really not liking in life was the general stupidity in the world as a whole.
It was all my inept attempt to try and relate complicated feelings by relating a conversation between Chris and I, and trying to leaven it with humor - humor that I see could easily have come across as glib. In hindsight, all I did with that blog was make things more complicated. Humor doesn't always translate on the internet, especially when it's obtuse.
If you are mad at me - and I say "if" because I don't know for sure if that's the case - but if you are, and if that blog is the reason, I apologize. I didn't mean it the way it reads. If you were not mad at me, and just busy, then that blog needed explaining anyway. Always, always remember, if anything is ever wrong, you can always tell me about it, just like you used to when we were talking one-to-one. I don't want you to hurt; things have been going so well, at least it seems to me, and you are doing so well in your photography and with your other projects (film, etc), that I don't want anything to cause you to hurt, or even be a distraction.
I will always do anything for you, Elizabeth. If we go back to some of our one-to-one conversations, it's important to remember some of the things we said. I Love You, and I also wish for your family harmony, and I also like to think of myself as part of the family, even if I haven't met you guys yet. But support is one thing you can always count on from me, in communication, and in all ways.
I Love You, have a great afternoon, and I will be back this evening. :):)
10:45pm : That is a pretty picture of the water lillies and the bird. That's part of his world. We have this huge round tree a few doors down from my building, full of leaves, branches sticking out in every direction, and I like to think of it as a globe, a Critter World housing everything from birds to squirrels to insects, and then I like to imagine it from their perspective, like a major expedition for the ants would be going all the way down one branch, past the trunk and all the way up another long branch to "the other side of the world". Then for the bigger critters, each branch is like a neighborhood. It's neat to look at an environment from a small creature's perspective.
I was out with my camera too this eve. Just went down to the grove, nothing fancy, but I'm always looking for new ways to shoot stuff and I'm still on my black and white kick. Nothing exceptional tonight, but I did get a cool picture of some turtles that I put on Flickr.
I wanna start shooting more at random, not uncomposed but just trying to capture scenes with lots of different objects in them, random stuff, buildings, street scenes, a light in the distance, a car turning a corner, a cloud in the sky - lots of stuff in the same picture, but without clutter, and trying to "vibe" it so it comes out looking random yet still with good composition. What I want to do is remove myself from the process, so that I am not "taking a photo" but capturing something in it's own space. I have thought that the human eye is literally - physically - part of the picture taking process, and if you think of an SLR camera, and that the light goes right through the lens and is refracted through the viewfinder, and furthermore that the eye is looking through the viewfinder, and the eye is refractory itself, then you see that the eye, at least in a through-the-lens SLR camera, is physically part of the photographic mechanism. In a single lens reflex camera, the eye refracts the light back at the frame. That is why you can get those "iris" shaped light artifacts when the sun is shining at a certain angle into your lens. You know how it's fun to squint when the sun is coming through your lens? And you know how you can sort of adjust the lighting artifacts, to produce "light rings" or "sunray showers", etc? Well, you can get those "iris cresents" too. You can get all kinds of effects when utilizing your eye as part of the camera mechanism.
I want to take it a step further and try to use the mind as part of the mechanism, too, in those random (but not uncomposed) shots I was talking about. In that respect I am influenced by my late friend Dave (aka Mr.D), who was not a technical photographer in the slightest, but who got some intuitive shots that I wish I had taken.
So there's a few photographic thoughts for the evening.
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxo :):)
No comments:
Post a Comment