Good Morning, my Darling. I am home from Pearl's, and now I have five days off, until Saturday afternoon. Yippee is the word for it, and I am gonna relax and sleep in. (Man, I miss my Myspace emoticons, cause they really helped me tell a story!).
Well...............sigh.
So I think I've got it now. The late-night camera guy post meant that you were doing a photo shoot yesterday. We need a language, like "camera picture means photo shoot". I mean, we do already have a language, and I have remarked in the past on how amazing it actually is, considering what we've built out of it, and doubly considering that we never formally said, "This symbol means such-and-such, and that symbol means thus-and-so". I have come to learn a lot of the language just by intuition, and also because you are so good at symbolic messaging, and I am good at understanding them; that is part of our Connection, something that, as a gift, is never to be underestimated.
But as we know, I am not perfect - nobody is - and so I did not understand the Aurelien post yesterday, mostly because of the immediacy of it, and then moreso because up until late last night, when you posted the camera guy, it was your only post of the day. So, I thought the Aurelien post might be a way of saying "......in your face, Ad"! As in, "He's my friend and that's that, and if you don't like it, tough". But I had already said as much, that you didn't need to change anything for me, and that of course you should still be his friend.
Coming on the heels of your Saturday posts, which I had interpreted as being "for me" - come visit Madison (which I want to asap), the "hands over heart" pic, the "baby" pic (baby pics I have always interpreted as "I'm your baby" and vice-versa), and the "girl-in-hat, life is good" photo - I then saw only the Aurelien post all day Sunday, and again, because of it's immediacy, and because it was something of his that you might not ordinarily have responded to, just a note about a Neil Halstead show, I got a mixed signal about the whole thing. Here again are the mechanics of what happened, and they happened because my symbol reading got thrown out of whack:
A) I thought everything was good after Saturday, because I interpreted all your posts as being directed toward me. Every post, as I interpreted each, sent a message saying "It's okay, I understand, I love you". That was how I interpreted your response to my long explanatory blog about Thursday's episode re: Aurelien. So, by Saturday evening, after seeing your posts, and especially "hands over heart", I wrote my blogs of Saturday night, to say thank you for understanding, and that I love and cherish you.
But then, B) Late afternoon Sunday I saw the Aurelien post, which caused me to second guess my earlier interpretations of your Saturday posts. I got a mixed-message from it. Remember that I only have symbols. I know I keep repeating that fact, but it is important, because if we were talking, the message would be clear. With symbols, I only have my best guess, without any follow-up acknowledgement from you. Usually, 99% of the time, our symbolic language works fine. But yesterday, it broke down, for me, because of the immediacy of the Aurelien post (the first post following Saturday's wonderful posts), and also because of what I took as the randomness of it. I mean, a Neil Halstead Paris show is nice, but not something you normally respond to. So, the immediacy coupled with the randomness caused me to second guess, and my symbolic reading ability got thrown out of whack. I thought you might be saying, "I like Aurelien and tough luck if you don't like it", or I also thought you might be mad at me because I had said I wasn't a big fan of the guy. But I did try to explain my reasons. And then I even added at the end of my explanation that maybe, in the long run, I might discover that he was okay after all. If you go back and read it, you will see I said that.
It is not my nature to dislike people. Though I am far from Pollyanna in the social aspect of things, and though I do agree with my Dad's infamous statement that "not everyone is entitled to his opinion" (lol), I still, in my nature and in my heart, like to take people at face value. There are out-and-out a-holes in the world, of course, and there are saints, and there are everyday people in the middle. Most of us, socially speaking, are just everyday people with our (mostly) good points and our imperfections. If you were physically around me - here with me, or I with you - you would see how I am in person. I like to think people like me, and almost always I like people. I even have friends who I find somewhat obnoxious, but I try to find the parts I like about them. I am not an overly social person, however, and that is because I find that many people - even friends - have "agendas", and they want to bring you down with a lot of negativity, or they have superficial interests, or they just plain don't understand things - they don't understand The Glimpses, if you know what I mean (and I know you do!). In my life, I have had maybe four or five people I could converse with who understand and are interested in the things I like to talk and think about. Let me count them; One was my best friend Dave. He is gone, he died in 2008. Another was my Dad. He died also in 2008. A third person was my Mom, she has been gone since 2005. And I guess I can kind of count Grimsley. He is a bit of a wacky guy, but he has the kind of wisdom I am talking about. Wisdom is more than mere intelligence. There are myriad people, especially in this "acheivement" oriented age, who have facility with various subjects. There are a lot of "smart" people out there who have little to no wisdom. Then, also in this day and age, there are a whole slew of superficial people out there - from the downright idiotic to the "hip" to the supposedly educated. I was a shy kid, but I was a people observer as a child, and thus, I have kept away from a lot of what I observed. And, having been around the block a couple times, I can attest to the fact that a great number of people can do nothing but drain one's energy.
Still, I like to think I go by two maxims. One would be my Mom's, and it is of utmost importance to me:
"Never think you are any better than anyone else, and never think you are any worse, but always just as good".
That is, of course, a Christian viewpoint (non-judgemental Christian, of course), and it is a good thing to live by, even if, in practical terms, it might not be entirely accurate. After all, am I to think I am "no better, no worse", than Charles Manson or Adolph Hitler? Am I to think we are all "just as good" as one another? Well, I suppose my Mom meant it not in practical terms but in spiritual, as in "Judge not, lest ye be judged". And though I am far from perfect - a fact of which I am reminded on a daily basis - I do try to avoid judging people, and I try to fend off any feelings I have of not liking people, meaning just everyday people, of course, and not murderers or other horrible people in the news. I don't even wanna judge those types of people, however, because the way I was brought up, it is not for me to do so. So that is what I got from my Mom, that people, in general, are good, and that I should look for the good in people, and never place myself above or below anyone. I loved my Mom very much, and am grateful for what she gave me.
But I also got something from my Dad. He was not religious, not a fan of religion, and although he was a kind-hearted and generous guy (despite his drinking problems, which goes for both my parents) he really, really, really prized wisdom, and true education, which is to say classical education. He knew a lot about a lot of subjects, but what was more impressive about him was what he knew intuitively. Dad didn't overvalue what I will call "facility", which might be the ability to recite a lot of facts. That often passes for an education. What Dad prized was knowledge, and wisdom. It is not easy to explain what those things are, but I know you understand them, Elizabeth. You see, you are the fifth person on my list, the one I wrote a few paragraphs up, of the people I can have an in-depth conversation with, who truly understand what Life is, or more accurately (since none of us can ever completely "know" Life), you are one of the five people I have met who understand Life's Wonder.
People like you and me could be standing on a beach, or by a lake, or even be walking down a busy street together..........but if the breeze hit us both a certain way, or if we saw a shadow flitter on a wall, or even if it was just a certain time of day perhaps a "late afternoon" feel, we would both understand it, in the deepest sense - subliminally (a Glimpse) - and what is most important is that we would understand it together , even without saying anything .
So that is what I got from my Dad, that kind of understanding and appreciation for knowledge and wisdom, and I have known five people in my life who share it. You are one of those people. But Dad had been around the block many, many times, he had been in World War Two and had come to Hollywood, and - unlike my Mom - he called a spade a spade. If he thought someone was an idiot, he just plain said so. He was cynical about a lot of people, at least in his mind. In his heart he was friendly and generous to most people, but he didn't have a high regard for most people's intelligence.
And, for better or worse, I suppose I got that from him.
From my Mom, I got "do not judge people", and from my Dad I got "there are a lot of stupid people in the world", and of course I am me - I am an individual and I have a personality of my own - but there is no doubt that the words of both Mom and Dad have stuck with me over the years.
When I find myself disliking someone, though, I do try to understand why, and that is because it is really and truly not my nature to dislike people. I am Aries with Leo rising; a "people person" if there ever was one. I am not outgoing in the sense of a lot of socialising, or initiating friendships, but everyone who knows me would tell you that, in general, I like people and the people who know me like me.
So, I guess with Aurelien, as I explained, the "Autre Temps" photography thing (his use of the phrase) initially brought out my "Dad" instinct - not that Aurelien was stupid but that he was using someone else's words as his own. That cynicism, from Dad, came out in me because of that. Then later, as I also explained, I took his one and only comment to me - in your post about the Neige guest vocal - as a smart-ass remark. That doubled my "Dad cynicism", and I thought "who the F is this guy"?
Looking back, both "cynical judgement calls", on my part, could be viewed as being provoked by trivialities. I could, in hindsight, say "So what - big deal - that he used a certain phrase ("Autre Temps") for his photographic page". And I could look at his comment to me, "Haha! Secret revealed", as just his way of saying, "Hey, I like Neige too, and it was really me who discovered that song". That would be the "Mom influence" in me, to say, "hey, he seems like a nice enough guy, and he likes Neige, so that's why he used that phrase and why he made that comment".
But the "Dad side" also, in this case, had it's influence. That influence made me see the phrase as unoriginal and a rip-off of Neige. And it made me see his comment to me as a "dig". And though I try not to dislike anyone, and try to analyse it when I do, the "Dad side" won out, in Aurelien's case, because - this is the important part - I could see he also had a crush on you. Ergo, the "Dad side" won, and spoke out : "this guy's an idiot, and he made a smart remark to me, and he's got a thing for Elizabeth; I don't like him".
The "Dad side" in me is also influenced, as I've described, by the types of individuals You-Know-Who chose to fool around with. Not exactly geniuses or classy individuals.
So .........wow. I really didn't intend to write so much when I sat down a couple hours ago, but here it is. I guess that, rationally, away from "the moment" and as emotionally removed as possible, I guess I can say that I have no reason - no legitimate reason - to dislike the guy. I don't enjoy disliking anyone; it's not my nature. I am a Guy, however, as described, and therefore I have certain Caveman instincts. When another guy likes my girl, or even moreso, I can tell, and it makes me defensive or offensive or whatever you wish you call it. Most guys are like that toward their girls, and the ones who aren't are, in my opinion, wimps. In your case, it is only natural that guys like you, for many reasons. Most of the guys at FB have been low-key about it, and that is fine and understandable, again for many reasons. Aurelien was a little less low-key. That, combined with my "Dad cynicism" toward him, which came about for the aforementioned reasons, caused me to dislike him. I have tried to analyze that dislike, and add humor and rationality to diffuse it, and to see the guy from my "Mom influence", and I will continue to try and do so.
I promise!
It's just that, when you posted so quickly about him yesterday, only a day after your wonderful Saturday posts, I got confused about your meaning, and I took it negatively. In hindsight - and maybe because you chose a seemingly random "Neil Halstead" post to "like" on Facebook - it is possible you were saying - via the symbolism - that you and Aurelien like some of the same stuff. That was probably your meaning, now that I think about it, and not "in your face, Adam", lol.
Well, I hope I got it right, or at least got a little closer. I am sorry I got a little cross last night, but it was late and I was stressing about it. But everything is good now. I hope it is for you, too. That is a great modeling shot you took of that girl, the one you posted this morn.
Thanks for reading all of this. I will be back later this evening. I Love You, Elizabeth. :):)
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