Hi Elizabeth. I saw your post a little while ago. I don't know if you meant it as a response to what I wrote last night, about my own feelings about the 4th of July, but it's understandable in any event. One thing I would want you to know, and I am sure you do anyway, is that I am anything but a mindless, flag-waving, sexist, beer-swilling 'Murican. Of course you know that. And you know that I feel the same way about those types of people as you do. I only have your past postings on the subject to go by, and there haven't been all that many, but the subject has come up from time to time, and I have guessed, in the past, that you have a lot of that element in the area around where you live. If I am wrong, please forgive me. I must say, from what I have seen just on the Internet, your town looks like such a nice place with nice people, as does Madison. But as I myself pointed out in a blog I wrote many months ago, I thought the same thing about the San Francisco Bay area - which has the reputation as one of the most liberal, free-thinking places in the country. But when I visited it, I was surprised at the number of "4 wheel drive types" that I saw; cowboy types with gun racks in their trucks. So, I guess there is no telling. A person cannot know what a place is like unless they live there or at least visit.
I also know that there is enough evidence in the media and on TV (everywhere, really) to show America as a country of redneck morons, so even if you live in a perfectly nice town, it is still easy to dislike what you see about this country. What I want you to know is that not only do I understand your point of view, but I agree with it. I have written before that it is easier for me to ignore those elements of our culture, because they are not as prevalent here, but by no means does that mean I am not aware of them. I am just like you, in fact; I abhor stupidity, arrogance, ignorant nationalistic pride, the whole works. I cannot stand Dumbell Culture.
I have to be honest and say that I wish I could take you away from it, so you don't have to deal with it anymore. I of course know you to be an upbeat, positive and fun loving person, so intelligent and creative, but as I also have remarked before, it is that very intelligence and creativity borne of sensitivity (awareness) that makes all the stupidity, inequity and intolerance in America harder to deal with. Sometimes, when I don't hear from you, I wonder if these things are bothering you, and then even more I wish we could discuss it because I do understand, believe me I do. As I've said, I feel the same way, though living away from that type of culture, and not watching it on TV - completely tuning it out - has afforded me the luxury of not focusing on it. I have always advised as much, too, because Dumbellism is not going to go away any time soon. Too much money is spent keeping people in that mindset, where they are not only ignorant but proud of it, cheering endlessly for their sports teams, their military, their macho culture - anything that allows them to have a sense of place, of "side". "Their side".
I am a lifelong history buff, and all of that dumbell redneck culture really originates out of the South not only losing the Civil War, but getting routed, and made to re-join the Union on the Union's terms. There was a lot of resentment as a result, and it persists to this day. You can make slavery illegal, but you cannot outlaw what is in a man's heart and mind; prejudice, hatred, shame, etc. There is an enormous inferiority complex behind it all. All the macho posturing in this country, all the sexism, racism, homophobia, mindless cheering of the military, unquestioned wars, "USA!, USA!, USA!" - it all boils down, in the psychological sense, to fear of inadequacy that stems from being undereducated, being brought up "hard". Many males in that culture come from homes where "whippings" are commonplace, they are taught not to cry, that education is for "liberal" types (with all the implications that word implies). The male role models they have are, unfortunately, the same types that have made America such a caricature nation in the eyes of so many. Big, beer-gut rednecks, gun culture, red meat eating types, the kind of guys who, if they have read a book, it was likely a sports biography or something by Rush Limbaugh. Now, you know that - because I am exposed to another type of idiot out here - that I also have issues with phony-baloney hypocrite liberals, because like their redneck opposites, they too do not possess a mind of their own, and they too exhibit reactionary behavior and hatred, they too believe they are on a "side" that is "right". Most expressly, just like the rednecks, they too are ill-informed about most everything that is happening in the world today. So yes, there are a lot of idiots in this country, no shortage whatsoever.
So I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from, and I wish we could have actual conversations about the subject, because I think we would both have a lot of insight to share.
About the 4th of July, though, I still wanna wish you a nice day, even if you do not celebrate it. As for me, I don't "celebrate" it in any sense except in an inner sense, and despite the ways in which much of our culture (and it's adherents) have become degraded over the decades of my lifetime, I am still grateful for the ideals on which the country was founded. That is something I keep in my heart as I watch the fireworks. And I go to the fireworks show, also, just because it's fun. No other reasons than that.
I will tell you something else I am extremely grateful for, and that is your intelligence. I have told you this before, Elizabeth, but it is so true: I can count on less than one hand the people with whom I can (and have) had fulfilling, interesting conversations of depth. You are one of those people. That we happen to also love each other is an untold blessing . I just wanted you to know that, and I know you already do. Anytime anything is bugging you, whether it be dumbells or anything else, you can always share it with me. I know, from experience, that it feels better to get things off your chest, and when you tell me, whenever and if ever you want to, you can be sure I will understand.
I Love You, and I will write more later tonight. :):)
6:55pm : I'm home from Pearl's, so I wanted to check in before I left for the fireworks show. I just wanted to see how you are feeling. I am gonna hang out here until about 7:25, then go for a part of my walk, then come back and go to the show. Grimsley is gonna come with me. Anyway, let me know (if you want to) how things are going. I'll write again, too, when I get back, which should be around 10:pm, give or take. :):)
11:10pm: I'm back from the fireworks show. It was fun, they always put on a good show in Porter Ranch, which is a Valley town four miles northwest of Northridge. There were thousands of people there, so we parked about a mile away and walked. While I was there, I was thinking of being at the same show last year. I was by myself at that show, and as I watched the fireworks, I was filled with excitement and anticipation, and also some trepidation, which was a result of knowing I had to do something I could no longer postpone. You will know what that something was when I remind you that just the week before, we had both posted about the full moon within seconds of each other, a coincidence that had set my decision in stone. I'd had feelings for you since - well, really since we met - but in the formal sense, the comprehended sense, since May 2012. And after holding in those feelings for six weeks, after that full moon I knew I could not hold them in much longer. And so, as I watched the fireworks, I thought of what I would say, and I weighed it against what you might think of me. I didn't want to shock you, but I knew I had to tell you, because I suspected you might already know anyway. I was so excited at that show, last year.
It was all because of you, Elizabeth.
And so, while I was at the fireworks show last year, I resolved to tell you something. And three days later, on July 7th, I did tell you (oh, the butterflies!).
And here we are, a year later. We have been through a lot during that time, so we have weathered some things, but here we are. So we know that last year wasn't just a flash in the pan, or a fluke.
It was real.
It is a gift so precious that it must be cherished and realized for what it is.
It is Love. Thank You, God. For me, I say, thank You for Elizabeth.
And to you, my Elizabeth, I say again what I resolved (with great courage) to tell you, one year ago tonight : "I Love You".
I am so glad you accepted those words from me, and considered them, and made an effort to truly understand their meaning. Those three words, uttered without meaning, or off the cuff, can lose their power. Though I have repeated them hundreds of times in the past year, I have only ever meant them in their Divine sense, the way I felt the emotion in my soul when I first fell in love with you.
It will always be with me, that love, and I will always give it to you, because it is yours.
I Love You, and I will see you in the morning! :):)
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