It's Me (Love)

Hi Elizabeth,

I hope you had a nice day. Mine was the usual Tuesday stuff, taking Pearl to her church meeting, etc. I'm sorry I didn't write last night to say goodnight, but I've been a little confused as to what's going on. A lot of times lately, I come to the blog to write something, and the hit counter is still at zero, and I think, "I wonder if Elizabeth even reads this thing anymore". Now, very often there are still some page views to be sure, but sometimes it just reads zero for a whole day. That's understandable, because often I am not writing anything interesting, though I have tried to articulate why that is on many occasions; i.e. it's not easy for me to carry on a one-sided conversation. I try, and when I have something to respond to, I can usually do it - carry on my end of the conversation that is.

But I have written, maybe a couple weeks ago, that something has felt wrong to me for a while now. I guess I would date it back to about the first of the year, maybe a little earlier. First you stated, via someone's FB post, that you didn't want to spend so much time on FB, or "social media", and instead wanted to concentrate on your music and photography. I did remark on that, in a blog, and I think the gist of my thoughts were that it was understandable for you to want to work on your arts, but by the same token, that FB was the only way I had to communicate with you, or at least receive communication from you. I communicate mostly through this blog, and a little bit on FB, too. But both sites are "social media", so I wondered what you meant by saying you wanted to cut down the social media usage. I didn't know if you wanted to communicate with me less, or how much less, etc. I remarked on that in a blog, as I said, and then things kind of cruised along for a while. I still made attempts to write everyday (and at night), but because I had little to respond to, I can see how those attempts would not be interesting to read.

Lately, and especially the last few days, I have wanted to write, and tried to, but all I see on FB is your posts with your heavy metal friends. So I get confused again, and I wonder (especially in conjunction with your earlier stated desire to spend less time on social media) what that means as far as I am concerned. I think, "does Elizabeth want me to still write to her? Does she still have feelings for me"? Then I feel dumb writing the same old "daily details" when it appears you'd rather be talking to your friends. One guy has been popping up all over the place, that Johan guy. I had never seen him around before maybe Christmastime or so, and then suddenly he was in every post, you know, hitting the "like" button or sometimes making a comment. I'm an observant person, and so I thought obviously this guy knows and likes you, or he wouldn't come out of nowhere and then be liking every single post you make. So then I thought, when that factor is added to everything else, "maybe Elizabeth has a guy she likes", because I see you respond to his posts. In other words, it's not like with some of those guys who hit "like" all the time because they are fans - with this guy, he obviously knows and likes you. So, I don't know what is going on with that situation, and again I am confused.

It would be easy if we had a normal relationship where we talked on the telephone and could communicate directly. I have only even assumed that we do have a relationship because our special form of communication was so direct last year, so symbolically direct, that there could be no mistaking the meaning of your posts.

I have tried my best, I really have, to communicate within that framework, and even though I haven't actually heard from you directly since September 1992, I have kept writing. Now as I say, for many, many months it was easy to do (with a few miscommunications and misinterpretations along the way) because it seemed that you had real feelings for me. I mean, it didn't just seem it, I knew it. But as I say, since about New Year's or thereabouts, I can't tell for sure. I don't want to have to try and compete with these metal guys for your attention, if you would rather spend your social media time with them.

The thing is, Elizabeth, ever since the beginning, I have loved you and I would and will do anything for you. You really are my Baby, my Darling and my Angel as I like to call you. I also know your personality, and you are very social, you have many friends, and that's fine. I've said that before, too. But lately, in this recent period when things have felt wrong to me, much of this social activity has included these guys, and in particular the one guy, and I am past the point in my life where I want to compete with that. Some guys are just friends, some want to be more than that. I can tell which is which. I'm not saying you are leading them on, in no way am I saying that. Still, there they are. To see how I feel, just put yourself in my shoes if you will: what if you wrote, or tried to write, a personal blog every day (and I've written 242 in a row, even more going back to Myspace), to the guy you loved and who you assumed was in love with you. What if that guy responded a lot, for a long time (by symbolism), but then little by little you noticed a change. What if the guy then announced that he didn't wanna spend so much time on social media, and then finally, what if that guy all of a sudden was corresponding with a bunch of girls, some of whom clearly had a thing for him. How would you feel? Would you keep writing?

I have kept writing, and that's because I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. I know you are social, I know you have fans, and I know you are not one to snub anybody who wants to post or to talk.

It just when that is put into context with the other factors I have mentioned that I get confused. And right now, I am confused. That's why I didn't write last night. So, if there is an issue, would you please let me know? That's all I have ever asked, was that if you are mad at me, bored with me, too busy for me, or have someone else you like better than me, please let me know. If there is an issue, and I haven't covered it in this blog, let me know that, too. When we first got together, after Valentine's Day last year, I used to go after these communication breakdowns as soon as they cropped up, to fix the problem. I haven't done that recently, and I suppose that's been my mistake. Communication breakdowns are a given in any relationship, they are gonna happen sooner or later, and when they do happen, you can always fix things by talking about them. We have always been successful at that in the past.

So, that's all I wanted to say. The bottom line is always the same for me : I love you from the bottom of my heart, want to be with you, and will always care for you and be here for you no matter what. For me, nothing has changed. If I've got it all wrong - everything I've mentioned in this blog - and none of it is any big deal, then please disregard the blog. It's just that things have felt confusing to me for several weeks now, which is why I say all this. But for me, things are the same. I love you, I think you're the best, just like always.

I am gonna go for my walk, and will be back in a little while.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo  :):)

11pm : Just wanted to wish you Sweet Dreams. I Love You, and that's something you can always count on.

xoxoxoxoxo  :):)