Good Evening, my Darling Elizabeth,
I just wanted to say that I think I get what you are saying with your posts a little while ago. "Nothing more" + "(making) friends". So, "just friends and nothing more"? About you and Keith? If that's correct, it took me a few minutes to get it. And the Sha Rika pic is self explanatory.
With Keith, I knew you guys were just friends, but it's just that some guys (gay or otherwise, I suppose) may want to be, or tend to be, what I will call "overtly expressive", even in friendship. I know that some gay guys, ala Richard Simmons, are that way in the extreme. But then other guys may just be bisexual, or not sure, and may really and truly fall in love with a girl. So, just because he was very expressive, it got me down for a little while there, but it's okay now. I am sorry I didn't post, but I am back. One thing I want you to know is that you can always count on me, and I won't ever let you down in that regard. It is very important to me that you know that. I have to go pick up Pearl in a minute, from the hair salon, but I should be back by 2:30 to 2:45pm, and I will write a little more then if you're still awake, just a few thoughts on stuff, but nothing troublesome.
The bottom line - always - is that I Love You.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
3:15pm : I am back, had to stop at the bank on the way. Anyhow, I think that in my case, I can have a bit of a Pavlovian response to certain things having to do with matters of the heart. It probably began when I was an adolescent, with my parents fighting. It got to the point where, even if they weren't arguing but only having a discussion, that I would automatically assume the worst. I'd be in my room and hear a raised voice (my parents both had theatrical voices) and I'd instantly think, "Oh no, here we go again". Then I'd put some music on, to drown it out. The point is, is that there was so much trouble that I'd automatically assume the worst, even when that wasn't the case.
So that's probably where it all started.
In social situations, I've always been the guy standing off to the side. I was never a guy who went to a lot of parties or to high school football games or functions, or was really that comfortable in a situation where everyone is extroverted or in what I will call "social competition" with one another. You know how sometimes at a party, there may be more than one guy who is trying to be "the life of the party", the guy trying to attract all the attention. Sometimes, there might be several such people. In high school, we called them "soshes" (for "socials"). Back then, I was always intimidated by the Soshes. Everybody thought they were The Coolest, all the girls wanted to hang around them.
But I was only intimidated when I was in their proximity. When by myself I was always confident, or with my own small group of friends, I was very outgoing, talking about the subjects we liked. So I am shy, but only up to a point. It's just that I have never wanted to be "in competiton" with anyone who was trying to impress in any way. I was always the guy who would step aside and say, "Oh, you want the stage? Well, take it, it's yours".
I was never a guy with a fast quip, or who was bubbling over with enthusiasm and charisma. So I avoided the people who were. It's not that I didn't like them (my FB friend Mike B. was a Sosh, and he knew all the Soshes), it's just that I am quiet in a crowd, but talkative and very enthusiastic in a small, likeminded group, or even moreso in a one-on-one situation.
Facebook can be kind of a microcosm of high school, with the Sosh types all trying to "outquip" each other, lol, or to be the squeaky wheel seeking the grease (the attention). I avoid all of that, of course. But for me, because I can have a Pavlovian reaction to certain "triggers", if I see the word "love" in a post to you by a guy (or a picture of a heart), I automatically assume the worst, even when I can see that the guy is gay. It's a reaction to a symbol, by me, and it's also compounded by the fact that I am "the guy standing off to the side" at the Facebook party, and that the guy (Keith, in this case) is a Sosh, and has your attention. I guess it takes me right back to high school, lol (embarassment!), and I feel once again like the quiet guy who was never "quick with a quip", or who was never The Attention Getter.......stupid, I know, because I am much older, and very confident of myself now, and of who I am and what my life is about. That's why I say it's positively Pavlovian, lol. If we were living in a house, you and I, and Keith (or anybody) wanted to come over, I'd have absolutely no problem. I'd be sitting in my chair in the living room, reading my Joe Farrell, while you guys talked about whatever you wanted to talk about. But for some reason, when it's at a distance on FB, I feel like the quiet guy back in high school, who was not one of the Soshes........
Well, my girl, I have got to leave a couple minutes early, to stop at the store. Gotta get some ground turkey to make turkey burgers. I started eating 'em for more protein. Gotta make Kobi a small one, too, or he'll bark at me. Tonight is movie night, so I'll be back and write more later.
Sleep well and Sweet Dreams. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:50pm : We saw a tremendous film tonight, "Black Narcissus" by Powell & Pressburger. Wow, everything about this movie was a 10, from the story to the setting to the acting to the sound design. It's also one of the greatest Technicolor pictures I've seen, a masterpiece of color, which in this case was hyper-real, oversaturated for a phantasmagoric effect. It's the story of a group of nuns who try to establish a convent in the Himalayas, for humanitarian purposes, to help the natives there, but who succumb to madness and repression. This one will go into my all time top 50, and probably higher after I think about it, top 25 perhaps. Deborah Kerr was an absolutely ethereal actress, and she is phenomenal in this film. Like all the P&P films I've seen so far, it fits no category. You start watching it, and you just go with where the story - and more importantly the atmosphere takes you. P&P made personal films, about stories with philosophies and artistic possibilities that were important to them. It's a far cry from today's formulaic digital blockbuster formats, but back then they had the artistic licence to do so. It's a different kind of razzle-dazzle, but boy do these pictures stay with you.
I will see you in the morning, my girl. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
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