Hi Elizabeth,
Sorry I haven't written much for the past couple of days, but I've just kinda been wiped out. I'm tired from going all the time (no hike today), and emotionally, things have been a little rough as well. If you go back to Sunday (I think it was Sunday) you'll see why. It's just the Usual List Of Tiresome Complaints from Adam, and I really don't have the energy, or right now the time, to write 'em all out again. I have wanted to write my usual long and tedious blog on the subject over the past couple days, but every time I have sat down to do it, I just can't. It takes a lot of emotional energy to rehash the same old thoughts again, and I just don't have it at the moment.
On the surface, it will seem silly or downright stupid, this issue, but it's the same thing again, so I'll just ask you straight out - what's the deal with this boy Keith? I can see that he's gay, that's fine, he looks like a good guy and all. He is very demonstrative in his feelings, however, very extroverted or flamboyant or whatever you want to call it. And, you seem to have a great deal of feeling for him, so I'm just wondering - just asking, plain and simple - what the extent of it is.
When I was a kid, my sister was in love with a gay guy. I don't mean she loved him in a platonic or brother/sisterly way, I mean she was really in love with him. He filled some emotional need in her, and they connected in a very deep way. I was only 8 years old, but I could see that. Bernard may have loved my sister, too, I don't know, but he was over at our house all the time, just like a boyfriend would be. My sister didn't have a boyfriend at the time. The point is, regardless of sexuality, it is of course possible for two people to fall in love, just so long as they love each other. A famous case in Hollywood was Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift. She was totally in love with him her whole life, even as she went through eight marriages. Her husband Richard Burton even told Clift one time, "Old boy, she likes me, but she loves you". It was well known in Hollywood. She never married Montgomery Clift, perhaps because he didn't want to get married (and he was very gay), but he was the love of her life, and vice-versa. He loved her as well.
So that's my tedious point, and I make my tedious point because this boy Keith seems to want to express himself quite often, and to send you hearts and flowers so to speak. And from your responses, you seem quite fond of him as well. Are you in love with him, in the way of my sister and Bernard, or Taylor and Clift?
I'm sorry, but I just have to ask. It has ground me down all weekend, or the past couple days or whatever, ever since I read those posts, and also because his posts to you have been ongoing for a little while now. It just makes me feel like a Fifth Wheel yet again, just a guy on Facebook sitting on the sidelines, watching you interact with somebody who is closer in your life. It's getting so that it's not as easy for me to do that anymore, harder for me to blow off.
I realise that you know these people personally, but I have hoped you'd want to get to know me personally as well. I know I am older, and I know that a lot of what I write may be dull or not of interest. I have not been a guy who's been on a lot of dates in my life, in part perhaps because of that. I know I don't have the most exhilarating personality, and in fact, I may cut back a lot of my writing, because I feel like it's not of interest to anyone but me. Same with Facebook. I probably wouldn't be on there very much (if at all) if it weren't for you.
But once again, I don't know where I stand with you, and especially in relation to the place in your life of a guy like Keith, who seems, from what I read anyway, to be pretty near and dear to you. That's the way it feels to me, because I feel like I can write and write (one of my tedious blogs), but then all Keith has to do is write how much he loves you in an FB comment, and then it's all hearts and flowers between you guys, and I feel like I just wasted my time writing whatever I've written. And then I go emotionally into the gutter and lie there for two days, unable to do much of anything.
Elizabeth, as always, take all of this with a grain of salt, and yet, give it some thought as well. What are your feelings for Keith? Does he supply some spark, of humor, emotion, closeness of some type, that you don't feel from me? Only you can answer those things.
As always, none of this would be as tough to deal with if we had real communication, say if we talked on the telephone everyday. But we don't. As such, when a guy like Keith comes along, I feel crowded out, left behind. I'm just a one-way guy on Facebook to whom you can't respond. I know you love me, I know you care about me, but I just wonder where this is all going, if there is gonna be a third party in the mix. With Keith, he is very demonstrative with his feelings, and I know some gay guys are that way naturally, but in your case he really seems to mean his words. I am just wondering what your mutual feelings are for one another, so I can know where I stand. Whatever the answer is, I will accept it.
So there you have it, my girl, the usual tiresome complaints from yours truly. Sorry, I tried for a couple days to let them blow over, but they just wouldn't, so I had to write them out.
I Love You, as always. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
Love, Adam
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