Good Morning, Elizabeth,
I am just waking up, gonna have my morning coffee. I see that there are still zero page views since Monday, so I guess you didn't see my comments from last night. I hope all is well but it just feels like something funny is going on, in looking at some of your most recent posts. Everything seemed great, but as soon as I got a few days off it seems like you stopped reading.
Anyway, again I say that I hope all is well, but if it's not would you please let me know what is happening? It is hot and humid outside once again, so I am gonna hang around here til the afternoon. I sure hope to hear from you.
I Love You Always. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
2:35pm : I'm just checking in to see if you're there. Still no page views as of now. I have a feeling I know what's going on but I just wanna know if you're out there before I say anything. If it's what I think it is, all I can tell you is that you've got it wrong, and you're not in a country music video, either. I will be here for a little while if you wanna post anything, probably til 3:15 or 3:30, then I am gonna go back out to Chatsworth just for something to do. It's my last full day off. Sigh......I hope you read this, Elizabeth. I Love You. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
8:20pm : I am back. I went out to Stagecoach again, and then Grimsley called while I was out there and wanted to meet me at Aliso, so I did that too. A double trail day. Anyway, I see a couple page views so I guess you finally read again. I hope so anyway. If you feel like posting anything, I will be here for the rest of the evening. I hope we can clear things up, if indeed there has been a problem, and if it's what I think it is. I hope you are feeling okay and anything you feel like posting will be a big help to me. I will be back later to write more.
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxo
10pm : I will write a little bit now, just to try and get some communication started. All I can do for starters is just tell you what I've observed for the past few days, and from that, what I think the problem is. It may take awhile for me to type it all, though I don't want to get into a long-winded and overblown explanation, or one that is overwrought, either. I think it will help if we both communicate, just so we can clear the air, and so I will write a bit now, then post. I hope you read it, and if you do and then feel like posting something yourself, that will help me as I said earlier.
Well, here I go, and I will start at the beginning, going back a little over a week ago, maybe around the 4th of July or just after that. As you know, I am a person who notices the details of things. It's not because I'm suspicious or anything like that. I am not a cynical or ironic person and I think you know that about me. Rather, the reason I notice things (at least I think the reason) is more like a right-brain thing, like an intuitive noticing of patterns. We have patterns in our communication; everybody does, but we do especially because part of our communication is symbolic. I have learned to interpret your posts and because we think alike and because you are so creative and intelligent, most of your posts are easy to interpret. And it's precisely because they are usually easy to interpret that I notice when one seems a little different.
So, around July 5th or 6th, you posted a "like" of somebody's picture who was moving to Japan. The reason I noticed it was because of phonetics. That's what I mean when I say my brain picks up on patterns. It's like it is always trying to translate stuff. So, in the post, the person was moving to (and I will try to get the name and spelling as close as I can remember it) "Fukuoka, Japan".
Here's why I noticed it. First, it was kind of an unusual "like" for you. "Likes" that you post on FB are often as not meant for me to see - messages to me - and I could not, at first, figure out why you would have posted a "like" of someone moving to Japan. I checked and from what I could see, you were not on the person's "mutual friends" list, and I had never seen you use this person in your posts before. It didn't appear that you knew the person. So it seemed really random. But I thought, "well, usually Elizabeth means her posts for me".
The other thing I noticed was the phonetics. "Fukuoka, Japan". In other words, "F. You", Japan. One thing I know about my Elizabeth is that she is super-smart, super creative and she knows that I get stuff. But still, I couldn't understand that particular post, and I wrote off the phonetics explanation because at that time, we were celebrating two years of loving each other and things had been just beautiful. So I thought, "well, it's gotta just be a post of somebody I don't know and I don't understand the meaning. Or maybe Elizabeth is saying she'd love to visit Japan". So I dismissed the phonetics, and I think I referred to visiting Japan in my blog that evening. I chalked it up to "Elizabeth is saying 'let's go to Japan' " and I wrote in my blog that I would love to.
Okay, then some time went by, and some of your posts were about us, directed at me, some were of photos you liked, there was some World Cup stuff. That was over the ten days (or so) period since the Japan post. I just now checked on FB, and it was just a few days ago, July 12th to be exact (which would be last Saturday), that you posted a "like" of the beautiful picture of the Middle Eastern woman and her baby. I responded in my blog by saying "this time I'm your Baby"! (because very often the picture is of you as my Baby). At any rate, that would have been last Saturday and everything seemed fine, just wonderful in fact. Then came Sunday and World Cup. Germany won, everything seemed fine.
Then came Monday, two days ago. It was a day off for me, I slept in, and when I woke up I saw two pictures posted. Two "likes" by you, of the hot air balloon, and the dragonflies. They were a little different from some photos you post, but both were nice shots, and at first I just thought the balloon post was your way of saying, "let's go ballooning"! An adventure for us, because we talk about adventures from time to time, like last Summer when I mentioned going to Puma Punku and places like that. An adventure. The dragonflies post was by Wisconsin Wildlife Photographers, and they do excellent work and I know you like and have posted their stuff before. So I just figured, well, those posts are a little different, but not too different. One's an adventure and the other is a pretty Summer picture. We've been talking about Summer a lot, and I just figured, "dragonflies are a Summer thing, and there's two of them......they're us"! And that's what I wrote in my blog that day.
Then I was gonna go see The Beatles movie that night in Hollywood, with Grimsley, and I wanted to let you know, so I wrote it in my blog. And I checked after that and there were no page views. I think there were still none when I left for the movie, but I just figured, well, Elizabeth must be out with friends or doing something. I know you don't just sit around waiting for me to post. :)
But when I got back from the movie, at about 10pm, there were still no page views. There was a post from you on FB, though, of the guy with his friends. I thought, "hmmm, I don't think that one has to do with me, it's just a friend of Elizabeth's. Maybe she talked to him today".
Right now I am gonna take a short break and post this. Hopefully you will read if you are still awake. If you feel like posting anything on FB, please do. If not, or if you can't find anything to fit what you want to say, that's okay too. I will write more in a few minutes, but I just wanna eat something first.
Back in a few. :):)
11:50pm : I don't think I will be able to entirely finish what I want to say tonight, as it is late, and by the time I type and post this part you may be asleep anyway, but in checking back just now, I see a page view and that is good. Remember way back, my girl, when I used to say "communication is everything"? Well it still is, and as long as you are reading, then I have at least communicated my end of things.
I will pick up where I left off and go as far as I can for this evening. Well, by this time it was yesterday, and I was heading out to Chatsworth to the trail, and things still felt off. There were little to no page views on the blog for a couple days, and posts by you that either didn't seem to apply to me or just didn't feel right for some reason. And then yesterday - I don't recall if it was before I left for Stagecoach or after I got back - but there was a "like" by you of your friend Tina's post. The picture of the painting.
"Looks like a Monet", was your comment.
I go by feeling, my whole life is that way, just inputting and intuiting stuff. I analyze too, using logic, but what I always notice first, on the periphery, is the intuitive stuff. I think you know that because you know me pretty well by now, and you are also super-intuitive. We think alike, you and I.
I also retain memory, so even if I had put aside something that didn't feel right to me - just "wrote it off", say - if something else comes along that doesn't feel right, then I will go back and pull the first thing out of the old memory bank, because it means I am seeing a pattern.
So I saw your post of Tina's picture, and by now I know something is off. For a little while, I thought she herself had painted the picture. I know some of your friends are artists, and because you said "looks like" a Monet, I thought you were complimenting her on her ability to duplicate a style.
I was trying to enjoy my days off, and I was going on my hikes, and yesterday I even went almost all the way to the top of that part of the Santa Susanas, and there was nobody back there but me, and I was kind of blowing my mind because you can really feel the energy of those old rocks and hills, way back in the corner of the Valley and way up high. And the best part is that it's a relatively easy hike, because you ascend gradually.
So I was loving being back there all by myself, but at the same time I knew something was wrong.
Monet. "Water Lillies".
Dragonflies on lily pads from the day before.
All the other stuff I have mentioned, the Japan post.
A very long time ago, going way back to early 2013, you posted something having to do with a "lily", perhaps in a painting or something. The exact post I don't remember. But I know I figured it out, and then later, maybe in Spring 2013, you posted the "pavane" by Ravel, and I was at first nonplussed. Then I figured that out too.
So this time, it took me a couple of days, because I am out of practice, but with the help of Tina's picture and the dragonflies, I finally understood your reference.
I don't have the time or energy to finish writing tonight, because I still have a lot to say, but I will say that I think I know why you are making references to "lily". I mean, if those two posts (dragonflies and Monet) are a coincidence, then I'll be a monkey's uncle.
Elizabeth, you are referring to Lillian, are you not? And if you are, you must have noticed that I sent her a friend request on Facebook.
Here is where things can get touchy if we don't trust one another, and so I am offering my trust by being honest with you, even though you haven't posted in a while now and thus I have had no input from you on this matter.
Everything I have written in this blog leads up to that - you have noticed that I had sent Lillian a friend request. Is that what the problem is? That's my guess, because of "F. You" (Japan), and then later, "A Man Of The Hot Air Balloon" (i.e. "A Man Who Is Full Of Hot Air") and then on the same morning, dragonflies on "lily" pads. And then Monet. And then finally, Tina's comment about you being in a country music video (cheatin' hearts, et al). In fact, now that I thnk of it, there was also a post of yours, a "like" of Simone L.'s post, in which she won an award for a play called "Crimes Of The Heart". So maybe you meant that one for me, too. Or maybe it was coincidental. But I know the others were meant for me.
So now I am going to tell you what happened. I will have to give you the brief version now, because it is late and I have been writing a lot. But I promise to finish in the morning or early afternoon tomorrow. And at some point, I am going to need your help. Communication takes two, and you will see what I mean as we continue.
Elizabeth, yes I did send Lillian a friend request on Facebook. She is not, as far as I am aware, a person who uses social media very much, if at all. I was surprised to even see that she had an FB account. I looked her name up a while back, maybe six months ago, and that was that.
Here is what has been difficult for me, though I have learned to deal with it. I have mentioned it before, so it will be no surprise. You are very social, and you have quite a few male friends. Don't get me wrong, I know you, and I know that you love me, and I know that your friends are just friends. Still, because I am not all that social, except with close friends, and because I don't have a lot of female friends, it is something I have had to learn to deal with. You are social, it is your personality, I don't want to change it (nor can I or should I) because who you are is a beautiful person.
What I do have, because I am older, is a little bit of perspective, and as I have said when I have complained (or whined, if you prefer, lol) about one guy or another : in some cases, I can see the guy coming a mile away. When you have been around a while, you can see these things.
Elizabeth, do not take any of the following the wrong way, because all of what I am about to say is past history, and it's water under the bridge, and it's no big deal now, and wasn't really that big a deal when it was happening, but : you know that, since I have known you, there have been a few guys with whom I have felt I had to compete for your attention. Maybe I was right in feeling those feelings, and maybe I was wrong, but the feelings were there all the same, and at the time I expressed them, because I have always felt we should communicate.
Last Summer it was the French guy, Aurelien. For a while, it seemed he was always around. Now, he doesn't seem to be so much, but at the time I complained, and I said something like "it's hard for me because he can talk to you directly and I can't".
The other thing was that he was crazy about you, Elizabeth. You may see it as "just friends", but the guy doesn't see it that way. I mean, some guys do, guys that are just "nice guys" or Joe Schmoe or whatever, but with that particular guy there was no doubt. He was a guy who collects girls. How do I know that? Because I have been around the block. He is a kid, and I can see him coming from a mile away.
But I also know - and knew at the time - that you love me, so his attentions, and your communication with him, was something I could let pass, and in the end it proved to be no big deal.
Keep in mind the important part : that all along, I have not been able to talk to you directly. So if a guy like Aurelien was in the picture, posting and posting, with you responding to some extent, all I could do was sit there and watch, or complain in my blog. And then, it felt like I was a fifth wheel, whining off to the side. He could talk to you directly; he was a girl collector; I am an older guy and can see him coming.
Not fun for me, but it didn't last, and then he seemed to be gone.
Most of the other guys have been fans. Easy to tell a fan, they are appreciative, make a few posts, no big deal.
But then - and you probably know what I am gonna say now - then came the other guy. Johan.
He came along about last Fall or so, at least on FB. Maybe you have known him in real life for a long time, I don't know. But from the gist of what I could see on FB, your friendship was fairly recent.
He went from not being there at all, to posting "like" so fast on every post you made, that you'd have thought his FB was hooked up directly to his brain. I complained about him, too. I thought he lived in Germany, so it didn't bother me too much, but then on your birthday last year I saw some post about drinking in a bar or something........and I thought, "whoa".
Who is this guy?
Then I saw that he didn't live in Germany. He lived in Chicago. And he just posted "like" after "like", very rapidly, and I thought, "It's another Aurelien, except tenfold".
Elizabeth, that guy is crazy about you. Again, you may not see it that way, but I am coming from the perspective of age, and more that that - from being a guy.
I can tell who's who, every time. I don't know this guy, and he doesn't seem to be around at the moment. I haven't seen him post in a while. I am making no judgement on the guy, and I am sure he's a superb guy. But he likes you a lot. Just sayin.
And so here was I, sitting off to the side again, just like with Aurelien. I am sitting 2000 miles away, unable to talk to you directly, and what happened?
Around Memorial Day weekend (or whenever school got out), I see that the guy has travelled to Madison to record music with you. Music he could easily have recorded at home in Chicago. And I knew he had come to Madison specifically because of you. Now, there is no doubt he came because he wanted to use your vocals. I was one of the first to encourage you to keep singing and develop your voice, and I remember the special feeling of hearing you sing on the demo to "Not Unlike The Waves", so you know your vocals are special to me, and he knew it, too.
But the way I saw it, he also came to Madison because he likes you a lot, and there was also absolutely no doubt of that. Just as I get a feel for other stuff, I get a feel for that kind of thing, too. So Johan likes you, a lot, and when he posted the photos you took of him, and then he commented that you had also recorded music together, I thought "oh no, she's his girlfriend now".
As you may remember, there was a four or five day period when I didn't blog or post anything because of that. Elizabeth, it came out of the blue, you didn't mention it beforehand, nothing. It was just all of a sudden : "we recorded music in Madison", and there's the guy's photograph, and I'm thinking, "well, the guy got what he wanted. He's been posting and posting and posting since last Fall. He's the first guy to like every post Elizabeth makes, and now he's got what he wants, he's her boyfriend.
That's what I thought, because it came out of the blue. I had been dealing with one guy or another who liked you for a long time at that point, and mostly I was able to blow it off, even with Aurelien who finally went away.
But this time I couldn't blow it off. It hurt, even if I had it wrong. You see, a guy can have it "half wrong", because I know now that you are not his girlfriend. But I still had it "half right" because he would like you to be, or at least he would have liked it to be that way at the time, a couple months ago.
And here I was sitting two thousand miles away, having no direct communication for a year and a half now, and I was watching this guy do his thing, and I just said, "the heck with it".
And I sent Lillian a friend request on Facebook.
I sent it knowing that never in a million years would she accept it. But you know all these guys, and I have only ever known one other lady, and I was hurting.
So, to end for the evening, yes, I did send Lillian a friend request on Facebook, for the aforementioned reasons. I knew when I sent it that she was not gonna accept it. I only sent it because that guy was in my face and I was hurting.
If you are wondering if I have had any contact with Lillian, the answer is no.
I will write some more tomorrow, but I hope you will also post because communication takes two, and there are still some things that need to be cleared up.
For me, the Johan thing is in the past. I get over things quickly, especially once I understand them. But that's what happened at the time. Tomorrow I will finish my end of the story.
I hope you will post, too.
I Love You, Elizabeth. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
No comments:
Post a Comment