Hi Elizabeth,
I hope you are having a nice morning. I am sorry I didn't post or write yesterday. I was feeling a little bit out of sorts and confused, to be honest. I saw your pictures from yesterday afternoon, and they were nice. Then I also saw that they were taken on an excursion with Stephane, and that kind of threw me for a loop. I know that you posted quite a while back, or posted something that alluded to, the fact that you have been friends with him and his sister since childhood. Way back, maybe in the Spring, I asked about that, and you posted a photo of them as kids, and I took it to mean, "oh, they are both friends since childhood". But he was also your boyfriend. I mean, during the period when you and I were actually talking (by way of FB chat), I never actually asked about him, but I had seen your FB photos from times past, and I just took it that he had been your boyfriend, and I am guessing that was the case.
Anyway, what kind of threw me yesterday, was that the photos didn't mention you and Stephane and a bunch of other people - a group outing. It just mentioned you and Stephane. It can happen sometimes that boyfriends and girlfriends can retain feelings for one another, even after a relationship has ended, and again, I don't know for certain what the extent of your relationship was, other than to assume it was boyfriend/girlfriend.
So, if you put yourself in my shoes, I was looking at the pictures thinking, "well, it's not a group of friends out on a walk, it's just Elizabeth and Stephane". Stephane, who was your boyfriend.
I am 2000 miles away, and so I obviously don't know the exact details of your everyday life. Because of this present method of communication, I have to assume a lot. Way back to last January, I made the assumption, from posts you made, like Bai Xu and Eric Whitacre, that you wanted to talk to me again. Then, more specific things happened, like when (it sure seemed to me, anyway), that your friends had taken a few lines out of that poem I wrote on Valentine's Day and had made something funny out of them. That led me to assume you'd read my poem, and showed it to your friends, which I may or may not have gotten right.
Well, we both know what it led to, which I have always assumed was mutual love between the two of us. I would actually go farther and say that I know (rather than simply assume) it is mutual love. I know this because our form of communication developed over the past year into something very direct, and much easier to interpret. On my side, you have my direct words, and in return, you have sent posts that speak in a language I have come to understand pretty well.
Still, I am 2000 miles away, and I haven't actually had direct, one-to-one communication with you for over a year. Generally, that hasn't been a problem, but it still cannot, in matters like yesterday, remove assumption entirely from the equation. So, when I saw that the nature walk was just you and Stephane, the first thing I thought was, "boy, that hasn't happened in a while". I mean, not to my knowledge, anyway. And to your credit, you posted that it was the two of you on the walk. You could have very easily not mentioned it, or just posted the photos and left his name out. But you didn't, you were open about it.
It still caused me to wonder, however, because it was a one-on-one walk, and he is your old boyfriend, and being so, he is also part of the equation. Being 2000 miles away, I couldn't know if he asked you to go on the walk, or if so, for what reason. If you are me, and I will ask you to put yourself in my shoes for just a minute, you might have thought, "what is happening? Is he asking her to get back together"? So regardless of what your feelings are for Stephane, his feelings become part of the equation just by going on that walk, alone with you.
So here I am, a long ways away, and I haven't had any direct communication with you for over a year, and because I don't know the details between you guys, I had to guess at the situation yesterday. I did not assume the worst, because as I say, you were open about it - you did post the photos and include his name. But it still threw me off balance, because I have assumed a lot about you and me in the last 11 months, and really going back to April of 2012. My assumptions have been based on powerfully strong and seemingly undoubtable symbolic, psychic and emotional connections that have created what I have thought - what I have been certain - were unbreakable bonds of love. It is a very special love, I have always thought.
Don't think for even a second that anything I have written here changes my feelings in any way. That is not the case whatsoever.
It's just that I'm only human, and Stephane is your old boyfriend, and he lives a lot closer to you than I do, and I had no way of knowing, when I saw those pictures, what constituted the reason for the walk, nor would I have any way of knowing what his feelings are/were toward you.
So that is what happened yesterday. Today, I am just gonna take it easy and hang around the apt.
I Love You, Elizabeth. That is something you can always count on. :):)
6:20pm : Elizabeth, oh my goodness. I am at Pearl's and I just saw your post, and I can hardly believe my eyes. "All this for nothing"? That is not the case at all. I will be home in less than half an hour, and I will write more as soon as I get there, but this needs to be cleared up, so please keep an eye on your computer and I will post more in this blog as fast as I can. We have always communicated, and it is not good when something like this happens. Please wait till I get home, and I will write more asap.
It's not all for nothing. It's always been for everything. I'll be home soon. I Love You. :):)
6:45 : I am home. It doesn't look like you've seen my entry from a few minutes ago. There is a hit counter on this thing, and it's still at zero. So, I will write a little bit more and then re-post, in the hope that you will read it, but I want to re-post as quickly as I can so we can communicate.......in fact, what I am gonna do is re-post right now. I really hope you read this. I will be back in just a minute to write more.
6:53 : Hit counter is still at zero. Sigh..........well, here goes. I will try to remember everything I wanted to say, and I will also try not to ramble. The first thing is I love Black Metal Elizabeth. I try not to use expletives too much, but you look fucking awesome, right down to the cammo pants and boots. Your makeup; everything. I didn't hit the "like" button because I had written this long blog about yesterday, and I was waiting around all day long for a clarification of the Stephane situation, and there never was one.
I would have felt silly writing all of that, and then just pressing "like" on your photo, as if nothing was bothering me at all. But - of course I love the photo. You know that normally, I'd have been the first guy hitting "like". But I was waiting for a response - any response - to what I'd written in this blog. Maybe you hadn't read it yet, and maybe you haven't even read it as of now. I have no way of knowing. There is a hit counter, but I can't identify who has made the hit. The only thing I know for sure, is that when no one has read it, it reads zero. There were some hits this afternoon, so maybe you did read it, I don't know.
But just to reiterate what I was trying to say, please understand - I have no way of knowing what your relationship is with Stephane. How am I to know that? All I know, or knew, was that when I first met you, I would see Stephane in a picture here or there, or mentioned several times. That led me to look at his FB page after a few weeks, because by then I was developing feelings for you, and I wondered who he was. Back then, on his FB, your name was listed in his relationship status. "In a relationship with (your name)". I thought, "okay, she's got a boyfriend". Obviously, I had no idea things were gonna develop the way they have between us. So I just thought, "he's her boyfriend" and left it at that. This was very early on, in April or May of 2012. But as we know, one thing led to another, and by that July, I told you I loved you. It was at the point where I couldn't not tell you. Also - and this is important - I also thought that just maybe you might have had feelings for me. If I hadn't thought that, there was no way in a million years I would have built up the nerve to tell you. But you were talking to me so much in those days (and we hit it off from the word "go"), that I thought it just might be mutual.
So, even though I never asked about it, I just figured that Stephane was out of the picture. I didn't feel I knew you well enough in those early weeks to inquire about anything that personal, and even when I told you I loved you, I tried to keep it "in check", and not write things that were outright romantic. In those days, I tried to keep it to music, because I didn't want to come on too strong. I am a shy person anyway. Last summer (2012), there was also a trip to Canada with Stephane and his sister. Again, at the time I didn't ask the status of your relationship, because I figured it was none of my business. Keep in mind that, even though I had told you I loved you by then, that we were still not really in an "official" relationship. That part didn't happen until Valentine's Day of this year, or whatever day it was that you posted the Sam Cooke song. You had known my feelings since July 2012, but I did not know of your feelings for me until January of this year, when you posted Bai Xu and Eric Whitacre. Even then, I only suspected. I didn't know for sure because we were no longer communicating directly. So, I had to devise a way to find out, and I did it by communicating my thoughts and feelings and questions in my Myspace blogs, which I suspected you might be reading because of the Valentine's Day poem. Once I started communicating that way, through blogs (and also songs on FB), you responded by posting "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke.
I knew what was happening then, and there was no doubt about it. And here we are.
During all of that time, almost a year now if you start with Bai Xu, I figured Stephane was out of the picture. I didn't ask, because again, I didn't feel it was my business. I mean, I did ask that one time, maybe last April (this year) or May, because we were now "official" (I felt), but there were still a few times when Stephane's name was mentioned by you in a post, or you sent him something on FB. So, that was the one time I asked about him, and your answer was the one I described in this morning's part of this blog, which is at the top of the page. You answered by sending me a photo, on FB, of Stephane and his sister as little kids, and as I tried to explain at the beginning of this blog, I took that picture to mean that you three were "childhood friends" : You, Stephane, and his sister. So, I further took it to mean that, even though you were no longer in a relationship with him, you were still friends. All three of you had known each other since you were little, and you were also friends with his sister. Okay, so that was back in April or May, and it settled the issue.
Many guys and gals do indeed remain friends after their relationship is over. Some do not, but many do.
Since then, since late Spring, we have settled into our relationship, and I hestitate to even limit it's description by simply calling it a "relationship". It is that, of course, but I have always thought it was so much more. I mean, I have tried to describe it in so many ways and it still overwhelms me to try. Elizabeth, not a day goes by when I am not blown away by the fact of what has happened in our lives, and to me personally in my life. To first meet you out of the blue, and then fall in love with you, and then to have you fall in love with me? I have tried to describe it, and to describe exactly how it happened - so that I will never forget a detail. I have tried to describe exact details of how I felt at certain times, at certain places, because I could feel you with me. Go back and read the blogs, if you want. The whole experience has been profound beyond words.
Here, I will ask you to bear with me for a moment, because I will write a little about human nature. Nothing terrible, just basic traits that have always existed in man.
I don't know Stephane. From what I can tell from his FB (I have only seen it a few times), he looks like a good guy. Certainly a smart guy, highly intelligent. Doesn't look like the kind of guy that will "chat up" (i.e. try to pick up on) someone's girl. Those kind of guys are prevalent nowdays, but he doesn't look like that kind.
But (and this is where the human nature comes in), he did have a relationship with you. He was your boyfriend. It said so right on his FB when I first met you. So, like I said at the beginning of this blog, sometimes when a relationship ends, one person retains feelings. Sometimes both people do. When that happens, they might arrange to get together to talk things out, maybe try to make their relationship work again. That's the human nature part. So if you're the "new boyfriend" (me), and you suddenly see the "old boyfriend" back in the picture, it's also only human nature to wonder why. And with no direct communication to explain the situation, it can cause all kinds of wonder and worry - call it confusion - for the "new guy". I'm human, and so I am subject to human nature.
That is why I asked you to try and put yourself in my shoes this afternoon. Please, Elizabeth, just imagine you are me, and everything is going beautifully. You are so totally in love that you consider your girlfriend your wife already, she is your family. Everything is great, you both have exchanged wonderful, loving communication of late, she has just celebrated an important birthday. So much good is happening, you have had a wonderful year.
But then, a couple pictures are posted out of the blue. They are nice pictures, one very sweet, the other of an interesting location.
But they were taken by, and with, her ex-boyfriend.
Please, Elizabeth. Before you post something like Zero's "Thanks For Nothing" post, please put yourself in my shoes yesterday.
As I wrote earlier in the blog, how am I to know Stephane's intentions? I don't know the guy. Very often, if two "ex" 's get together for a walk, it is very often because one of them wants to "talk things out" with the other. I know that you have said, via a childhood photo of the Coopersteins, that they were childhood friends. But it was not all three of you on that walk (or if it was, you did not indicate that). So, even if you saw it as just a friendly walk, how am I to know how Stephane saw it, or if he went on the walk because he wants you back?
Really, how am I supposed to know those things?
So, I ask you to please, please consider that, before just thinking me a bad guy for not posting last night, or today, and then responding by posting that Zero quote. I really couldn't believe my eyes when I read that. Because, "thanks for nothing"?........
I mean, c'mon Elizabeth, that's not fair. I write to you every night. Every night. Even when I don't hear from you for almost a week, as happened in mid-November - I kept writing. I also know, or could imagine, that on many nights what I write is boring to read, or simply repetitive. I can't always light up the page, because I am often just reciting details of an average day. But I try. I try because I Love You, and to me, nothing could ever be more important than taking care of the one you love : communicating with you, taking care of you, listening to you, being there for you in the best way I can. I may live miles away, but I try to be as close as I can, every single day. Even on days when I don't hear from you.
I know you have a lot of friends, a lot of them are guys, and I have mentioned this before - it is part of your personality, you are the gregarious type. I am not, I am pretty much "keep to myself", except with a handful of people I know. I usually respond every single time on FB, even though sometimes I have to get in there past a whole lot of guys who know you personally. A lot of boyfriends wouldn't go for that, but I have tried to blow it off, because A) I know that is your personality, you are very outgoing, and B) I know that some of those guys are your fans. But, please keep in mind that it seems like you correspond with at least a few of those guys (I gather that from some of the posts they make), and yet I never get to talk to you directly at all. And still I write, every day.
I write, and I post my little love songs every night, because I really do love you, Elizabeth. I have remarked that those words are at risk of losing their power, because I say them so often. But what else can I say? After I write my blogs, that is the only way to tell you how I feel, with those words. I hope to be able to show you before too long. I can't wait for the day when you can see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice. I am saving my money, as I have written, for us to use as a launching pad, or nest egg, or whatever. I wouldn't in a million years tell you these things and write every day of my love for you, of sharing life with you, if it weren't my desire to make it happen. I hope, too, that we can have direct communication again before too long, so that we can make plans for the future. I will always be here for you, because I love you and want to marry you, but we have to be able to communicate.
I was confused yesterday when I saw that you had gone for a long walk with Stephane. If you look at recent blogs, that is one of the very things I have written about wanting to do with you, going for walks in parks and taking pictures. So, I was confused, and - yes - I was sad.
I was sad - even though I know you, and you are friendly and gregarious - because I don't know Stephane. He seems like a top-notch guy, but sometimes even top-notch guys try to get their girl back. That's human nature, too, sometimes. If we had direct communication, you could have messaged me and said, "Hey Adam, I'm going for a walk with Stephane. It's no biggie, we're just gonna go take some pictures". And then, I could say "okay" and not worry. But this just came out of the blue, and it was just you and him on the walk, and I had no way of knowing what to think. If you put yourself in my shoes, I don't think you will find it's an unfair thing to say.
I am gonna post this now, and then go for my walk. It is now 8:50pm. I will be back by 10. I hope you read it, my Darling. I will write a little bit more when I get back. You are everything to me. :):)
10:05pm : Okay, I am back from my walk. The hit counter on this blog still says "0", but it turns over at around 4pm, so that just means zero page views since 4. So, I am guessing you haven't read what I wrote this evening, but maybe you read the stuff from this morning or afternoon. I see the Sophie Miller post. I don't know if it is related to what I wrote, or if you just like what she posted, but I will guess it's the former. If so, I am gonna guess it means...........family? Or maybe siblings? Brothers and sisters? So maybe you are saying that you guys (you & Stephane, maybe his sister, too) are like siblings? Or maybe brother & sister?
That will be my guess. If I have it wrong, I apologize. Anyway, I hope you read this tonight. I have tried to explain things from my perspective, and I hope I did a satisfactory job. I am gonna eat something real quick and maybe will write just a little more in a few minutes. I will post this now and check back in a few minutes.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo :):)
11:50pm : The hit counter is still at zero, so................I will try again tomorrow. I have gotta say that I am a little bit disappointed, having written so much.........
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