It's Me

I suppose I might as well keep writing while I am in the groove, even though that last blog was very long. You've probably noticed in the last couple days that my Facebook profile has changed, meaning the privacy settings, and that I deleted some recent photos, too. Last night, I even deleted a dozen or so of these blogs, and now I wish I hadn't done it, but they're gone and I can't get them back. It was stupid of me to do, but I was upset.

Elizabeth, I Love You Very Much. I have since Day One, as you know. I repeat it so much that it probably becomes monotonous, but it's the truth all the same. Lately, though, I have been feeling like a fifth wheel, like a hanger-on between you and your friends. They all seem like good guys in every respect, and highly intelligent and talented guys, too, but I am wondering if you want me in your life as compared to them. Sometimes it seems all your conversation is directed to Brian and sometimes the guys at Megatone. I know you post things for me, too, and fairly often. Your posts are very loving, and I love to see them, but the fact remains that I haven't had any direct communication with you in a long time. In September it will be two years. I remember how much fun we had in Spring and Summer 2012, at least I sure did. Our conversations were the most exciting and wonderful thing that had happened to me in decades, and meeting you lit up the world for me, and of course it changed my life. Ever since that time, every day - literally - has seen me thinking of you, and writing to you. I write and write, every day (or 99.9% of days). I know, and I've mentioned several times, that my writing is often repetative, or maybe too "out there", and I realize it's not always the most interesting thing in the world. I am not the wittiest, or quickest with a joke, but what I have tried to do is to dig deep, to give you my whole heart. To love you is to give you everything I've got. I don't know any other way.

In the beginning, though, we had conversations that I thought were lively, about all kinds of stuff. Pretty much any subject. It's one of the reasons we hit it off so well. Then, in September 2012, something happened. Whatever it was I still do not know, and don't need to, unless you ever wanted to tell me. Then we developed our current form of communication, and I have been willing to continue to use it for as long as necessary. But because it is not direct, it is hard to ask direct questions, and to get direct answers. For instance, like yesterday, when you posted the nice photo of the engaged couple, I could wonder if you meant it straightforwardly, as in: you consider you and I to be engaged. Or I could wonder, because it was April Fool's Day, if you meant it ironically. Normally, of course, and especially in the past (like last year), whenever you made such a post, I had no doubt about it's meaning. But by yesterday morning, because there was some tension in the air, I wasn't certain. And I can't ask you directly about it, except via a blog. The thing is, I've never had an actual conversation with you about the way we feel for each other. I have, however, tried to put my own feelings into words on a nightly (if sometimes repetitive) basis. Because if you do truly love me, and if you do consider yourself engaged to me (even if it's just in the general sense), I want to never leave you in doubt about how I feel, or ever let the conversation lag in that regard. It is a fact that things drift, in relationships, when there are extended or continued lags in conversation.

Like I say, though, so don't get me wrong, you have posted many, many very loving things to me, sweet enough to melt my heart. That is true, and my heart is permanently melted as a result.

But I remember back to when we used to talk directly, and we used to talk about art, and music, and photography and all kinds of stuff. I know I was a "drill sergeant" in some of those conversations, because you were recording, and I didn't really know what the aims were, and I had just met you. So we were getting to know one another, and there were some bumps. But still, those conversations were great, I thought.

Then, we had our period from October 2012 to January 2013 where we had no communication. Sometime in the interim, I noticed that you had a new friend, Brian. Perhaps you've known him all your life, I don't know. He seems like a supremely good guy, and I know he's married, so don't get me wrong on either count. I only mean it at face value, that I saw he was your friend, not just on FB but who also lived nearby. Also during that time (Oct. 2012 to Jan. 2013), you started recording at Megatone, and you became close friends with the guys there. Again, good guys all. I remember when you were home recording, and I even suggested you try doing it at a studio, because it would take the technical load off your shoulders, and I also mentioned several times that I was not the guy to ask about tech stuff, especially modern recording with computer programs and the like.

At any rate, things have gone on, and we've had a good relationship for the most part, despite a few bumps. But every so often, things drift, and lately it seems as I said earlier, that most of your conversation is with Brian, and also, if less so, with the Megatone guys. That is of course fine, and it is your right to talk to whomever and hang out wherever you want. And I know you are very interested in the technical aspect of things, and you can learn a lot from those guys. But it kind of leaves me wondering where I stand, and if you have any interest in me as a person. I know I write about unconventional stuff, esoteric stuff, and believe me when I say that I am aware that it's not of interest to most people. But that's only because I am writing from a one-sided standpoint. You know that I'm also an excellent conversationalist, if I do say so myself, and on practically any subject as well. But when I am just writing one-sidedly, about my day? Well then it's just gonna be the "Daily Details", i.e, "I read this, and I did that, and I think this, and I said that". And a lot of that stuff will just be weird stuff or philosophical stuff, cause that's what I read  about and think about.

I know I am not the world's most exciting guy, nor am I a laugh a minute. But I don't think I'm a crashing bore, either, if given a chance.

I used to go on and on about us being The Art Couple, but sometimes it seems like you've got Brian for your movies and the Megatone guys for your music, and you don't need me. If that's the case, it's okay. No worries. But I'd just like to know where I stand. In previous blogs like this one, I have asked you to put yourself in my shoes, and I will ask you again now: Let's assume we are engaged, as your posts have sometimes alluded to, or at the very least let's say that we've had a rock solid love relationship for almost two years now. The evidence shows this to be true, even though we've never talked about it face to face. Anyway, let's say it's true, and we love each other and are engaged or practically engaged. Now let's say we went to a party together. Please put yourself in my shoes here. How would you feel if I talked to everybody at that party but you? Now, I don't mean "ignored". If we look at Facebook as "the party" (because it's the only place we have two-way communication), it's true that you don't ignore me. Not even close. You post very loving and sweet things much of the time. But if Facebook is "the party", it's also true that you lately, in the last few months or so, spend a great deal of time talking to Brian, and he to you, and to the Megatone guys, and to other heavy metal friends of yours. So it feels like you've got them for your music and movies, and you don't need me. Of course, I know that you also work with all of them on various projects, and that they are in your hometown and I am 2000 miles away. Still, please put yourself in my shoes. What if you had written your heart out to me, about art or philosophy or movies or love or any old thing, but every time we went to a party, I spent most of the time talking to other ladies about those subjects? Even if those other ladies were only my local friends, and even if they were married to other guys, you might still wonder, "how come Adam never wants to talk to me about that stuff? I thought we were engaged"?

I'm just asking you to put yourself in my shoes, just for that part of it. Obviously, in the working world, an actor/photographer/artist works with all kinds of people besides just their spouse (usually, anyway). But those who are spouses still spend the majority of their time in each other's company. Otherwise they don't have much of a relationship, or marriage.

I know we have an age difference. I know you are in school, and also that you've been cooped up a lot in the cold weather, and I know that you wanna go out and have fun. I've always encouraged you to do so. But, like when you went to Montreal, it would be nice - if we really are a couple - to talk about it, so I can have some vicarious fun, too! "Hey, sweetheart, how was your trip? What'd ya do, what did you see"? Isn't that only normal? It would be fun. But instead, I feel like the fifth wheel, looking in from the outside at projects I know nothing about, projects that you are working on with friends who seem closer to you than you want me to be.

Elizabeth, you are such a wonderful person. You know I have loved you from the bottom of my heart, and I've tried to show it every day. I may not be the world's most exciting guy, but I am reliable, haha. You can always count on me in any situation, and you can always count on me to love you and be honest with you. In the beginning, with these blogs, I was very quick to rush in with a "communication solution" whenever we hit a bump in the road. I usually wrote those when I could see that you were upset with me for one reason or another, and I always wanted to explain and iron things out as thoroughly and as quickly as possible.

But this time it's been different, because it's been me who's been feeling upset and being a non-confrontational person, I tend to let things pass, and to hope that they will. But things can drift when one does that, and when they drift too far, it can be hard to put them back in place again.

It was stupid of me to delete those blogs, and the pictures from FB, and to change those privacy settings. I just did it because I was upset, and I will change them back, and replace what I can of what was deleted.

But please let me know if you still want me to write, and post songs, and such. I just want to know where I stand, and what you see in the future, even if it's not yet a totally clear picture. Instead, think of what you imagine in the future. I know it's hard even to do that. But one thing I know that I know more than anything else, and this is soooo true after 54 years: it is very, very good to have someone in this world who truly loves you, and who is not fly-by-night, who does not go any way the wind blows, but who loves you for better or worse, through thick and thin, no matter what. It's very good to have such a person in your life, but I also know, for me at least, that such a love is difficult to find. So we have been lucky that way. But it's the best, and optimal, when two people who love each other also want to be with each other.

You know me, I'm an even-keel guy, and even though I am not super-social myself, I honor and respect that you are. It just has felt like I'm a bystander sometimes, to others that you'd rather talk to, so I'm just venting, is all. Let me know what you think. I still feel the same, of course, and if you love me, need me and want me, I will never let you down.

I Love You, Elizabeth. Thanks for reading all of this. I'll be around most of the day.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo  :):)